Funny how being overweight for awhile makes you confident
augustremulous
Posts: 378 Member
I really hope I hang on to this confidence when I get to my goal weight. Seems like a lot of people actually become more insecure as they lose though - especially women.
And I think a big part of this is American culture and its weird standards of beauty - we're the fattest country in the world, and yet being a size 8 makes you a plus size model. And I genuinely think that women who are 10 pounds overweight get more pressure and criticism about their bodies than women who are 70 pounds overweight. That's certainly been the case in my life.
Anyone want to weigh in on this? Anyone lost a lot of weight and ended up with more self esteem and body image issues?
And I think a big part of this is American culture and its weird standards of beauty - we're the fattest country in the world, and yet being a size 8 makes you a plus size model. And I genuinely think that women who are 10 pounds overweight get more pressure and criticism about their bodies than women who are 70 pounds overweight. That's certainly been the case in my life.
Anyone want to weigh in on this? Anyone lost a lot of weight and ended up with more self esteem and body image issues?
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I've certainly received lots of advice from overweight people about how I should eat. Don't touch white potatoes, carrots and sweet potatoes are the only root vegetables that are good for you. Never eat out, always make your own food. Buy organic. Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, they're munching on their takeaway fries cause the kids wanted it and they were too busy that week...0
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Ugh, people who constantly give advice about eating are the worst - overweight or not.
I genuinely think that part of healthy living is to create a space of safety and non judgment. Food is food - some of it is healthy, much of it is not. It doesn't have moral value in itself, you don't have a responsibility to the world to eat and look a certain way, and you certainly don't have to be apologetic about what you eat.0 -
I definitely have had the opposite experience. My self confidence decreased as my weight increased. I wanted to blend in and not be seen. Nowadays I am not trying to be noticed but if I walk past people and they glance my way I no longer internally cringe because I think I look terrible.0
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The fattest people I know have the most opinions on what you "should" and "should not" eat. I don't understand how they can be so opinionated and be so fat.
If a person wants to be fat - yay for them - but why on earth would you give advice on losing weight?
I found that as I got heavier, I didn't gain or lose self esteem. My self-esteem kind of went away. It wasn't high, it wasn't low. It was more of a "Yes I will have that extra piece of cake. I'm already fat, so who cares!" and also a "I'm going to have a badass time in fitness class today, because no one ever stares at the fat girl, so who cares!"0 -
I think, at least in my experience, I had more confidence when I was heavier because I didn't stand out and no one noticed me. All of a sudden I'm changing things up and I have eyes (real or imaginary) on me and I don't like that one bit.0
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And I genuinely think that women who are 10 pounds overweight get more pressure and criticism about their bodies than women who are 70 pounds overweight. That's certainly been the case in my life.
Yep...I've found that to be true too.
I was very very rarely criticized about my weight. I have always been about 100 lb overweight, since my mid to late teens and now in my 30's am finally at a healthier weight.
I know many women who are 10-20 lb overweight and get a lot of unsolicited "advice" about how they can lose the unwanted pounds, or get into a smaller size...it seems like that happens more to people who are only a LITTLE overweight, than really obese. At least in my experience.
I have always had a lot of confidence in my appearance even at 300 lb, but I feel that I have a different (higher) level of confidence now in the 170s because I am no longer fidgeting with my clothes or worrying as much about how my body looks to others, in various positions, etc. It's nice. I know at 5'8" and 170s I am still a lot of people's "before" photo and that is kind of funny to me because I am super happy with myself and the way I look right now. I think many women who weigh 10 lb more than their ideal are actually more miserable than some other women who weigh like 70 lb more than their ideal. Confidence and self image isn't always directly related to one's weight/size. Many people believe it is, though...0 -
I agree, weighing in at 265 pounds, I felt more confident - I guess I felt off the chart and nobody paid much attention to my size (except my MD).
When I have lost weight before and got down to about 185 pounds, THEN people started to make comments but not necessarily helpful.
For example, some said that they had given up on me at the higher weight and that I now MUST continue to lose weight to get to a "Normal" weight. I thought I looked pretty OK at 185 (!), but agree that for many I was still a" Before" picture. As I get older, I am more confident in general so I hope that holds when I get below 200 pounds again.0 -
Maybe this relates to the social expectation of being "fat & jolly".0
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Yep!
I know few very obese ppl, and nobody comments their looks at all. BUT it's in front of their eyes. Behind their back- hours and hours.
IMO it's coz ppl think that person at 340 lb knows that he is overweight and no need to remind about pain. But person with extra 10 lb might need a little push from outside.
I constantly get comments on what I eat and it's so annoying, but i understand why.. Ppl tend to try to look smart and helpful0 -
I've always been curvy, even when I was 110-115 pounds (at 5'0) and active in wrestling. When I hit my highest, 147lbs, last year, I felt like **** but no-one pressured me at all. At my lowest, I would say I could stand to lose a few pounds and people would agree. At my higher weight, they said I was fine just the way I was. I was twenty pounds overweight and people refused to acknowledge it. I was "curvy" or "fine the way you are". But, in the middle of the healthy weight category, people had no issue commenting that I could stand to lose more.
I had ridiculous body insecurity (mind you, being 17-18 years old at the time didn't help) at my lowest weight, even though looking at photos makes me aware of how perceptually off I was. I'm gaining confidence as I lose because I'm coming at it from a different perspective.
It's harder to hate my body when I know that this time last year I was 25 pounds heavier and buying size 10 pants because none of my clothes fit me. I have a much healthier perspective on weight loss and size now.0 -
i know what you are saying... when i was younger i was much more self concious about the weight i was gaining... i wouldnt wear a swimsuit in public between 1997 and 2010 or so.
but at some point, i think when my son was born, i decided that i didnt care as much. not that i was confident suddenly. confidence would require me to also like my non physical self enough... but the two are so entwined its hard to know which i was more frustrated with and what causes what... but i stopped thinking i had to do all i could to make sure nobody noticed. i no longer refused to let people see me eat or was embarrast.
but i am pretty sure that was partially that i gave up, not that i accepted myself. i was the heaviest i have ever been for the last 5 or 6 years. and at one point i just didnt think i could ever change so i started to just... accept it. not like it. accept it.
i dont know if it was the same as confidence for me though.
another part of it is that when i had my son my self worth was improved because i found more value in being mom than in how i looked. so that could be part of why i stopped trying to deny it and hide.
its a very complicated subject really, because there are so many different reasons people gain weight. and in my case overeat. i consider my problem a mental illness and i wont say i should be proud of it. it is self destructive behavior on my part. so there will probably never be a time when i look in the mirror as an overweight person and say ï am who i am and that is ok again. i hope not. because for me the behavior is not ok and i dont want it to be who i am. (and this is just me, not speaking for anyone else)
lately i DO have confidence though because i can say every day that i am doing the right things and trying to beat it. I only imagine i will have more confidence as i work on the issues that got me here.0 -
I have been overweight (obese actually) for my entire life. Seriously. The last time I was in the "normal" weight range I was less than a year old. Partly because I overeat, partly because of an autoimmune condition and other health issues that arose over the years.
Anyway....I have always been very confident in myself. Other's opinions of me just don't register. You want to stare? Take a picture then. You want to talk smack? Go for it, no skin off my *kitten*, I'll have something to say right back. I like me. My appearance, as long as it pleases me, is fantastic.
Now, for my best friend, who is about 15 lbs overweight. She's one of the most self conscious people I've ever met. She struggles everyday to fight off reverting to anorexia because she feels she doesn't meet society's standards of thin. It' makes me sad. She tells me daily that she wishes that she had my confidence. I have a cousin also, who is under weight at 4'11 and 90 lbs and she refuses to go swimming because she hates her body because it's a different shape than what is photo shopped in all of the women's magazines out there.0 -
I seriously didn't realize how big I'd gotten at my heaviest, and nobody ever told me. I don't know if it was because the majority of the people I spend my days with were overweight, too, or what, but I found that the smaller I've gotten? The more insecurities I've experienced. At size 18-20, I just put on something not very form fitting and felt ok in that. Now I gravitate toward clothing that is more form fitting and I find that I am more concerned with my perceived flaws now than I ever was when my BMI number told me I'd fallen into the obese category.
Now that I am within ten pounds of my ultimate goal weight (and even now, I am not sure if I want to get that low), everyone and their brother has something to say about my food choices. I kind of wonder where they all were when I was at my largest, lol...0 -
Agreed that overweight people seem to be more comfortable. Having grown up in a girls boarding school, I have watched the way people talk about weight according to their size. The normal size girls would always try to eat healthy and talk about working out, but binge all the time on sweets ever friday. The bigger girls would joke about their weight but were more confident and physical with their friends- more affectionate. I have never felt insecure about my weight until this last year as I have always been very muscular for a girl( six pack, man legs and arms, which I was kind of self conscious about but most of my friends were like this, rowing squad) Now my mom comments on my weight all the time and I no longer show that much skin anymore.0
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Some big people are worth listening to regarding diet. Take into consideration that they know how they got fat, therefore, many of them know what not to do if you don't want to get fat. I think too often people assume that people who are overweight are ignorant of how they gained weight... which just is not the case. When I was overweight, I definitely knew why. I'm not overweight now, and people often ask for my advice regarding diet. They take it now. Yet didn't when I was overweight. Even though I was telling them the same exact sh**. Go figure. (Of course, I only give advice if asked - the people who do it without being asked, yeah, are annoying)
My confidence has always been low. It's not in regards to body image, though, so much as... other reasons. It neither increased nor decreased as I lost weight. I will say, however, that now I am more aware of my size. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad. I have my days where I feel horrible about my weight, and then days where I think Dang, I look good today. My confidence can go from extreme confidence, to very low self confidence in a week.
Many people will comment on your weight regardless. At my highest, people seldom said anything. But they would give me this look. I'm sure some people here know what look I'm talking about. It can range from pity to disgust. And the sad part is, I think they think we don't notice the look, but we do. We definitely do. And honestly, the look hurt far more than the words people would occasionally throw at me. At my lowest weight, though, I got a similar look. Except this one was contempt. Probably because it was pretty easy to tell I wasn't healthy. Once again, that look hurt far more than the occasional skinny insults I'd have thrown at me.0 -
So many interesting comments in this thread!
I think it's true that if you're truly fat, people assume you know, but if you're only a little chubby, people think you need a little push.
I think the other problem is that once someone loses a ton of weight, people have a way of complimenting you that makes it sounds like you were really gross and disgusting before.
I haven't gotten much of 'the look." I mean, oddly enough, the few times I've gotten it, it's been from my own sister (who has her own issues), but overall, I think once I got really heavy, I just became invisible to the world. And yes, it does feel lonely at times, but I think lack of scrutiny from the world allowed me to reflect in different ways.
That said, I'm now 205 pounds (also a before pic). Six months ago, I was 230. I'm visiting family in New York City right now, and all I can think of is a visit I had years ago, right after college. At the time, I was 170, up from the 130 I was when I started college. And I felt so ugly at 170, walking the streets among the New York thin women. I remember walking into a favorite store called APC, planning to treat myself, and discovering that they didn't have anything big enough for me. And I remember how the women working there were trying so hard to me nice to me and not make me feel bad about it. Cattiness would have been fine - pity was so much worse.
Now, at 205, trending *down* instead of trending up, I feel so confident and pretty. I'm wearing a size smaller than I was wearing before (16 instead of 18, lol) . And I wonder if I'll eventually hit 170 and start feeling like **** again. Will I feel like I'm worthless until I hit 130 again?
I don't know. A psychologist might say that I'm afraid to be thin because I've gotten used to my life the way it is. I don't know if that's true or not. It might be a little.0 -
Great post, thanks.0
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I've certainly received lots of advice from overweight people about how I should eat. Don't touch white potatoes, carrots and sweet potatoes are the only root vegetables that are good for you. Never eat out, always make your own food. Buy organic. Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, they're munching on their takeaway fries cause the kids wanted it and they were too busy that week...
I hope this doesn't come across as being too rude, but there's always an even fatter person telling you how fat you are, and how NOT to be fat. I'm always left wondering how they become so knowledgeable about weight loss and fitness. :grumble: Then we have some people who lose weight and start picking on other big people. Like, uhm......don't forget where you came from, boo!0 -
And I genuinely think that women who are 10 pounds overweight get more pressure and criticism about their bodies than women who are 70 pounds overweight. That's certainly been the case in my life.
Yep...I've found that to be true too.
I was very very rarely criticized about my weight. I have always been about 100 lb overweight, since my mid to late teens and now in my 30's am finally at a healthier weight.
I know many women who are 10-20 lb overweight and get a lot of unsolicited "advice" about how they can lose the unwanted pounds, or get into a smaller size...it seems like that happens more to people who are only a LITTLE overweight, than really obese. At least in my experience.
I can understand the theory that people might be more inclined to say something to someone who is 10 - 20 lb overweight than to a really obese person, because they are tip toeing around the really obese person or think they are so over weight they wont try to lose weight anyway.
I have never been obese so cant comment on what people say to the obese - but as someone whose weight crept up into the overweight category, this wasn't my experience. At most, I was about 10kg (or 22 lb) overweight.
I didn't really notice anyone saying any weight loss advice or comments at all actually.
Having said that, I am not in America, so cultural attitudes might come into play here - also my weight crept up gradually and I don't wear skimpy clothing - so other people may not have noticed my weight gain anyway.
Interesting thread OP.0 -
I really hope I hang on to this confidence when I get to my goal weight. Seems like a lot of people actually become more insecure as they lose though - especially women.
And I think a big part of this is American culture and its weird standards of beauty - we're the fattest country in the world, and yet being a size 8 makes you a plus size model. And I genuinely think that women who are 10 pounds overweight get more pressure and criticism about their bodies than women who are 70 pounds overweight. That's certainly been the case in my life.
Anyone want to weigh in on this? Anyone lost a lot of weight and ended up with more self esteem and body image issues?
for me personally i definitely agree with this partly.
i wasnt overweight all my life, in fact i didnt become overweight until my 30's and at that stage i did it on purpose. this is because when i was smaller i had to deal with all kinds of BS , not to toot my own horn, but I'm outgoing, charming and fairly generous with my smile so I tend to get male attention no mater what my size.but when i was smaller i ran into many situations with men trying to impose themself on me either via their opinions or by physically picking me up. my last straw came when i lived in paris and some guy decided to carry me into an alley and tried to rape me. i fought him off but that was pretty much when i was like screw this i'm going to gain weight.
with the weight gain, i noticed that I had to do less proving myself intellectually and less having people discount my ideas, opinions and experiences; people actually listen to what I have to say now! i also noticed that men approached me way more respectfully on average and they were definitely less likely to pull me by the arm or the hand.
although now i'm at the stage where part of me is ready to lose the weight, a part of me is still wondering if i'll have the same experiences now as i did then.0 -
for me personally i definitely agree with this partly.
with the weight gain, i noticed that I had to do less proving myself intellectually and less having people discount my ideas, opinions and experiences; people actually listen to what I have to say now! i also noticed that men approached me way more respectfully on average and they were definitely less likely to pull me by the arm or the hand.
although now i'm at the stage where part of me is ready to lose the weight, a part of me is still wondering if i'll have the same experiences now as i did then.
omg, I agree with this so much! Beautiful women get objectified so much more, and have to spend so much time and effort enforcing boundaries. In the professional world, you very rarely see beautiful women rise to positions of leadership. I see attractive people get those positions, of course. But all my peers who are beautiful - they have to deal with all sorts of bull**** from their male coworkers that I never have to deal with - and it's a time consuming part of your day if you're also trying to get promoted. I also found that when I got heavier, it was much easier to "take charge" of situations at work and exert authority, when I especially had trouble doing that before with people older than me.
Then again, correlation doesn't mean causation - as I was gaining I was also getting older and getting experience, so that may be a big part of it.
I am so, so deeply sorry that you had to go through what you went through in Paris. I'm glad you came out safe.0 -
I've yoyo-ed between 230 and 120, sitting at a size 16 right now, and let me tell you that I feel much more confident and happy about myself when I am smaller! For me, big does not equal self-confidence at all and I am very surprised about all of your comments! And, in the past, I have not found that people were commenting on my weight at any point ( size 20 or size 5). I do not hate myself at all, but I hate being fat!0
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The fattest people I know have the most opinions on what you "should" and "should not" eat. I don't understand how they can be so opinionated and be so fat.
If a person wants to be fat - yay for them - but why on earth would you give advice on losing weight?
These overweight people have been using shame and control big time and have been on every diet trying to get everything just right. Their advice to others about the "right way" is about their baggage and I can have compassion on them. Theirs isn't a problem I have, but I have my own and I'm working through them as best I can.
Like starting this program and getting help for my incredibly huge overeating.
The good thing about advice is we can check in with ourselves and see if it will work for us, and then take it or leave it as need be. Strict control and perfectionism will not work for me. Being honest with myself and others and working to be reasonable and balanced works for me.0 -
I'm WAY more confident and happy now after losing!!0
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I was definitely more confident before losing weight; I think this is because, while I cared about how I looked, I wasn't completely obsessed before losing but I became hyperaware of every little flaw as I lost, and definitely felt worse at goal than overweight.0
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I have had weight issues since I was 17. At my heaviest I knew I was overweight, but I think I didn't really know so I was a little under confident ie wouldn't wear a swimsuit but it didn't stop me doing most hings I wanted.
Then I lost 25 kgs. Still not thin but around 'normal' size and I felt great. And I looked at my old photos and thought Wow I was really big and I really hated what I could see in the photos. People thought they were being nice by telling me how great I looked and how much better I looked than before and how much weight I had lost which was fine at the time.
Then I put back on all the weight I had lost plus a little more. Nobody said a thing about the weight gain but I remembered all the comments that were to the effect of how terrible I looked at that weight. And my confidence plummeted and my anxiety grew and I really have had a rough time in the last 2 years, I stopped exercising and riding my horse because I knew what people were thinking even if they weren't saying it (because they had said it when I had lost weight!).
Fortunately I have managed to get started again and have lost 12kgs and am starting to feel better and exercise more but I still feel less confident than I ever have before in my life. Rationally I know my self worth should not be attached to my weight but emotionally its a whole other ball game.0 -
I've been underweight and overweight. Each has its monsters. Each has things that are easier. I think the thing that matters most is how we take this knowledge and apply it to our interactions with others going through the same struggles.0
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I have to say I hope my confidence improves as I lose weight. . . .I don't have much confidence and that helped me hit rock bottom. I am only on day 17 but I'd always given up by day 5 before I am just taking one day at a time.
I turn 40 on Thursday and my hope to get through each day is that I will feel better each day as I lose weight. Shoot today I danced in my room to get in my steps. I find the exact opposite!0 -
I think most people who are overweight or obese typically have self esteem issues resulting from being obese, therefore submarineing their confidence level. As they start to lose weight they gain motivation which instills confidence.
As far as the model theory, who cares about Twiggy anymore? If you expect to look like a Victoria Secret model at goal weight then you are going to be disappointed.
Obesity in this country today is now our number HEALTH concern. Type 2 diabetes is sky rocketing. It's a horrible disease, and it's got to be stopped. No one has a perfect body, nor will they when they get to their goal weight, but they will most certainly be healthier, happier, and more confident of themselves by taking on this challenge and beating it.0 -
I never felt confident being fat ever.
It does matter what country you are in too.
When I would go to the US, I would almost feel slim at 211. Nobody commented on my weight because fat is pretty normal there. There are so many really obese people, nobody really notices anymore.
When I go to an Asian country, well women will tell me right to be my face I am fat lol. I felt huge and out of place there.
In Australia, I was usually the fattest person at work and people will comment on what you are eating and you are discriminated against during interviews. I think people think you are lazy, dumb, and slow if you are fat in Australia.0
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