Binge eating.. The never ending cycle of self sabotage

I don't want to make this post about me because clearly you are in need of some sound advice, thoughts and opinions. But I got into that same cycle a little while ago, it lasted for a few months and I was finally able to break through.

I was always the "fat" girl growing up and I always wanted to be skinny. At some point I made the decision to really change and in one day I changed my entire routine e.g., exercise, clean eating, juicing, tons of veggies, fruit, protein, no carbs, etc. The weight fell off of me and I progressed quickly. I felt awesome. I never had any disorders and I always had plenty of confidence but I was absolutely soaring... loving my progression, getting stronger and healthier, loving my new body, buying new "cute" clothes and all that. I never stopped...

Once I was at my goal I was happy but not satisfied, I just wanted to be thinner and thinner. I started with various vitamins which turned into various supplements which turned into diet pills and remedies and slim tea and slimquick and up to seven or eight pills, three times a day including some from Asia that really messed me up. I knew that I was in the cycle of binge, diet, exercise, restrict, binge, puke, guilt, exercise, restrict, etc. I also knew it was about body image and the fact that I was freaked out at the thought of gaining weight back.

Then my energy level crashed and I didn't feel good at all, then I really started hating my new body for not allowing me to push it where I wanted it to go. At some point during my journey, although I was successful in losing all of my weight and becoming underweight, I lost track of the difference between skinny and fit/healthy.

I took two weeks off... full recovery... and I thought hard about what it was that I really truly wanted. Do I want to be skinny? yeah sure... but is being healthy and happy more important than skinny? Well... honestly the verdict is still out on that for me. One day after getting sick I took a good look in the mirror and wondered what the hell I was doing to myself. It just wasn't worth it anymore. I looked like ****, I felt like ****, and all the nasty effort was not really changing anything cept for maybe an ounce or two.

So I slowed things down. I remembered the fact that in the beginning when I started, all of my weight loss and all of my awesome progression happened without starving myself, and without the use of any supplements. So I started again. I went back to the beginning... I re-learned to listen to my body, I eat when I am hungry and I eat all clean foods that I know will nourish my body, I give my body what it needs based upon my activity level, I don't alienate food groups from my diet although I do very well on low, low carbs and limited sugars. I also started incorporating more than just cardio to lose weight, e.g., lifting, boxing, sculpting, running (yeah that's cardio but great for the legs). The few times I fell off the wagon and had a binge instead of feeling guilty and running to the bathroom I told myself that one, it happened because my body needed the extra calories/food and two, I'm in great shape so I'll burn thru it quickly and most likely weigh less the next day as a result and guess what... that rings true for me (calorie cycling).

While I never gained any real weight back I do still have a goal number that is sort of un-realistic, but I'll hit it. Only this time I'll hit is slowly and doing things the right way. And yeah... I am doing 1200 a day which many people feel is too low and/or unrealistic, but I know what works for my body and for my life. And hey, sometimes that number goes up, sometimes it goes down.

I guess my point here is... I know you feel stuck where you are right now but remember, this is a journey not a sprint. Sooner or later, with or without help, you'll realize that you're going down a bad path and it's just not working for you. It's only then that you'll be able to make some positive changes. People can give you advice and ideas all day long but nothing will work unless you decide to make the change.

You are here and you are working at it. Good or bad, it at least shows that you have some motivation and will power. No one can fix you but I have confidence and faith that you'll figure it out and do the right thing. In the meantime, try to remind yourself that the guilt won't change anything. **** happens.

I hope reading this has helped a little. Sometimes just knowing that others understand where you are in your head helps.

Wow! thank you so much for taking the time to write this - Very interesting story you went through! I do have the modvation and will power but for some reason when ever i slim down i bounce back like my body want to hold on to the unnecessary weight.. You are very strong wiled and are very determined. You succeded only eating 1200 cal a day? That is very low and i feel like that restriction for me is what would make me binge! How do you do it?

@cushman5279 and OP

I so feel not alone now...

I know my body like the current weight but I also have hard time to accept that. I have never been thin in my life while all my friends were small and slim. I guess I am getting the wrong signal on the internet every time when I see someone claim they lost weight even they were already smaller than me. And in this forum, all you get is "you are eating more than you think" and it makes me feel such a big loser and failure because I can't eat less than I do...anyway, thank you for posting this thread...