How can I get my fiance to start with me?

VeryKatie · July 2014

My suggestion is to get a job and start buying and preparing your own food. Prepare it for him too.

Talk to him about him saying he wants to do it but not actually doing it. Some people need a kick. You can't force him, but you can help him realize that he either MEANS what he says or he's LYING. There's really no in between. But do it in a nice way! If he still doesn't join you, then drop it and don't bug him about it again. He'll decide if he ever wants to do it on his own and doesn't need nagging as that would probably make him wait even longer. Once he sees your success, maybe he'll get more inspired.

If you don't get a job, why don't you offer to do all the grocery shopping and cooking for the family? They could give you money and you could do the work. Yes, it's a lot of work, but no different than a mom or dad who cooks and shops for their family while holding down a job and other activities on top. You should be able to find time, even if you're in school. It's about learning how to be efficient. It takes time but you'll get there.

ETA: Remember you can't get a job without actively looking for one. For now focus on that. And I mean spend 8 hours a day writing your resumes and cover letters, and applying until you get a job. Getting a job is A LOT OF WORK so you have to WORK at it (not implying that you don't but you didn't mention how hard you were working and it seems odd to me that you say "you don't know when you'll get one" - if you're actually trying to get one it will be in 6 months or less). AND you can take a temporary job in the mean time. I suggest places like grocery stores, butchers who also sell salads, bar tending, waitressing, washing cars at a dealership, etc. You can work part/full time at those places while still looking for the job you actually want. One job hop looking thing on your resume will not hurt you. You could also try being a mystery shopper and mystery shop some grocery stores. Buy health food there and the company you're working for should reimburse you up to a certain amount. All you have to do is review the staff. Sneaky, sneaky.

amymeenieminymo · July 2014

Like other's have said, you cannot get him to do something he doesn't want to do. He may say he wants to, but until he actually puts in the effort there isn't much you can do.

Since he seems very picky with healthy foods and you don't have the means to even buy and prepare healthy foods, perhaps try getting him to see that he can make smarter choices with the unhealthy food he currently eats.

When I was pregnant I had gestational diabetes so I had a strict diet of low carb and high protein. I was very exhausted after work each day and often too tired to shop and cook, so we ate out a lot. Of course eating out is not ideal nor very healthy, but I ate what I could based on my diet and I did the best I could. Not only did I not end up gaining anything during my pregnancy, I even lost weight (which was fine with my doctor). So maybe start by encouraging him to just make better choices with the food he already eats.

Also, if you're asking him to go for walks, start very slow. At his size, even just a walk around the block would help but wouldn't be that overwhelming.

SonicDeathMonkey80 · July 2014

tl;dr

Just break up and find a guy who cares about fitness, until you start up a new hobby, then dump him, repeat, until you find someone you unconditionally are happy with.

phoenixx866 · July 2014

Thank you very much for all the responses. Addressing a couple things:

- I cook when I am able to, and when I do cook, I try to cook as healthy as possible and substitute fattening ingredients for better ingredients. Other times, his father wants to cook (he is mostly disabled and not working, so if he wants to cook, that's fine too). When he does cook, he doesn't watch what he puts in. I usually find something else to eat when he does.

- I have applied, since June 1st, to well over 100 jobs and I've received 8 interviews. I have applied to grocery stores, clothing stores, regular full time jobs, entry level jobs, restaurant jobs, etc. Michigan -- especially where I live, near Detroit -- is deplorable for job hunting. However, I have a 2nd interview to a job on Monday so I'm crossing my fingers.

- I nearly forgot that he loves to swim. When he was younger, he was on a swim team. I spoke it over with his mother and she's looking into gifting him a membership to a place that has a pool. I ran it by him and so far he seems all for it. The man is like a fish when he swims.

- I have decided to make a more conscious effort into preparing his meals for him. This morning I made my usual eggs, but I also made eggs with onions and peppers (and just a bit of cheese) for him and I think he licked the plate clean. And as a bonus he's not hungry and it's 1pm. I made the meal at 10:30am. Usually he gets hungry again within just 2 hours. Minor victory? I hope so!

Today we're going to visit his parent's cabin up north. I love archery and I'm going to do some up there, with him. It's a start, right?

I'm going to ignore the very obvious troll in the thread. Because part of being engaged is sticking with a person through thick and thin. I'm not going back on my promise to him. If you dump someone just for having a "fault" then I don't suppose you would be successful at relationships, now would you? I'm going to work with him because I can tell he wants to do this but doesn't have the motivation/willpower to do it. So I'll be his rock until he takes the final step and learns to fly.

Thanks again to everyone else!!

sudmom · July 2014

Great attitude! Stick with it!

leggup · July 2014

Someone mentioned you're in school; have you talked to the career office? They may be able to set you up with something part time on campus, working in the library or gym.

Also, call him out when he says, "I want to walk I like walking." The next time he says no to a walk, tell him that he can either tell you he wants to walk and go walking, or tell you he doesn't like walking and not go. He can't say he's going to do something and then never do it. People often say things like, "I'm going to get in shape" or "I'm going to eat well" out of guilt and not a genuine desire to better themselves.

StaciMarie1974 · July 2014

Stop enabling him. When he says 'Amanda help me lose weight' tell him to let you know when he's ready to help himself and then you'll do what you can. Don't ask him to go for a walk with you. Tell him you're going for a walk and he's welcome to join you. When the topic of kids come up, mention how sad it is to think he won't be around to see them grow up. (Cold move, but if he's asking for help & not willing to do anything to help himself: I think playing dirty is fair.)

He might think losing weight has to mean giving up everything he likes and doing lots of unpleasant things. It doesn't. Run his #s for sedentary - estimating of course as best you can. I'm guessing he could easily lose 1-2 pounds a week by eating 2000-2400 calories per day.

VeryKatie · July 2014

You're awesome!

Good going on the job hunting, interviewing is a lot of work too (so much studying).
Also great that he liked the eggs you made him and that you recalled he likes swimming. Swimming is a great total body workout.

Good luck!

ETA: One more suggestion, can you and his dad cook together? You could invite him to cook with you some days (do have pre-planned recipes written out, and maybe pre-set out the ingredients too). It would be a great way to bond with your future father-in-law plus being able to take note of what he's putting in there. Then eventually he might ask you to cook with him too!

So when you're planning you can be like "I need 1/4 cup of shredded cheese and 2 cups of chopped onion" or "Do you mind making the marinade for this steak? I really want to try this balsamic marinade I saw online". You may not be able to change his meals but at least you can see what's in them and help portion them out for your fiance if he is still intending on eating opposed to something else.

How can I get my fiance to start with me?

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