How do you deal with your relatives around food issues?

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xenu01
xenu01 Posts: 117 Member
in Motivation and Support
This weekend, hanging out with my husband's family, my attempt to quietly and unobtrusively avoid gluten (something I've been doing for over two years anyway and that they know about) and to limit my portions in restaurants was met with confusion, concern (mother-in-law), and plenty of mildly hostile "jokes" from my sister-in-law. Which, whatever. I can deal.

But in a couple of weeks, I will be going face to face with my mother, she who:
1. Asks (after a complete meal!) if anyone wants snacks, and when we of course say no, will go into the kitchen and make up a plate of them.
2. Does the triple-threat of "Oh, I wish I had that much willpower/Oh, I'm on a diet, too!", "Oh, you look great. I bet you can have just one piece," and then sort of a heavy deluge of pouting/complaining designed to wear you down.

Now, I'm a Good Girl from way back, and I tend to usually say yes to things so that people won't be upset/will leave me alone, but I'm trying really hard with this one, and I feel like I made it through one weekend of people being weird, so I owe it to myself to get through another.

I guess I'm looking for whatever you're inspired to say, here. Feel free to gripe as well, if you have any gripes of your own, or to give advice about dealing with relatives and their food stuff, or maybe you have some light at the end of the tunnel regarding people finally laying off being so concerned with what's going in your mouth?

Replies

  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
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    never back down. they will get the point eventually

    its frustrating as hell but its the only thing you can do short of sitting them down and having a talk with them about it
  • 126siany
    126siany Posts: 1,386 Member
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    With my own Mom, I actually started bringing my own food. She wasn't one to force food on anybody, but she ate terribly and had enough knee issues from her weight that if she were to go shopping before I arrived, she wouldn't have been able to walk at all the next day. So that worked for us--just took all the stress out of it for both of us. (Incidentally, she ended up liking some things I made so I eventually started bringing big batches of it for her on visits!)

    It sounds as though your mother feels as though she's only taking care of you when she's feeding you. Perhaps the best route with her is to tell her how much you enjoy the other ways she takes care of and that make you feel supported and loved?
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
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    I usually go with " I am absolutely stuffed and can't eat another bite. " If it continues I tell them to pack up a piece for me to take home to eat later when I am not as stuffed.
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
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    It's just a weekend and it's very easy to continuously say "no". Hopefully, they would eventually stop, but you giving in isn't helping your situation. What you eat doesn't effect them in any way. If you don't want to eat it, don't. You're not insulting anyone by choosing what you want or don't want to eat.
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
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    i often bring my own food (i'm allergic to wheat, so sometimes i have to), and just won't eat more than i want to no matter what family says. at my birthday, we had a barbecue. i had 2 smart dogs on 2 pieces of small bread, and they were delish, but that's all i ate while everyone else was eating potato salad, tons of chips and slaw and the rest. people kept saying things to me indicating that i should enjoy more food as it was my birthday, or because it was a barbecue or because it was just this once.

    i did cave enough that when my daughter REALLY wanted something to stick a candle in, i let her give me a single 4 ounce serving of my favorite sugar free, low fat ice cream (and it was GOOD!), but that was it.

    i know they wanted to share their enjoyment with me, and they were afraid i was missing out, but i've been really happy with my progress of not only losing fat and losing weight but i'm so excited with my fitness and strength improvements, and having some potato salad and ice cream just didn't seem as wonderful as the way i've been feeling.

    as far as family and friends, i know they care about me, but i'm an adult and i know what i want. they'll always express some concern, and sometimes maybe a little jealousy when i eat light at meals, but i can live with that.
  • ponycyndi
    ponycyndi Posts: 858 Member
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    I hear you on the "good girl" part, and I'm also one to stay quiet in order to keep the peace. So I respond in kind, with my Double Threat-

    "Thanks."

    Or

    "No, thank you."



    Even a passive-agressive remark or so-called compliment gets a one-word "thanks."
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,741 Member
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    My usual M.O. is to pick one food, one food that is present that I really genuinely enjoy...and focus on that. ALL OF THE ATTENTION goes to that. "Deviled eggs, OMG. I love these!" and eat a couple and then pick at whatever food is there that I don't really want. If my mom makes a dessert I like, I rave and rave about how awesome it is, and I eat two tiny pieces or one normal sized serving. That way she doesn't pay much attention to the fact that for the meal I just ate half a baked potato with a bit of sour cream, one or two bites of her high-calorie cream laden chicken casserole entrée, and 2 cups of plain steamed broccoli that my husband brought from home ;-)

    I have noticed that the people who usually catch the most grief are those who draw a lot of attention to what others are eating or what they "can't" eat. I'm not saying you are like that, OP -- it doesn't sound like you are! But I feel like, in a lot of social situations, eating a "normal" meal in a smaller amount seems to get me totally off the hook while someone who is making a big show of separating all the parts of the pizza and giving a mini-speech on the evils of whatever ingredient(s), and longingly staring at someone else's macaroni or ice cream cake...that is the person who gets negative attention and people trying to feed them more snacks.
  • Oi_Sunshine
    Oi_Sunshine Posts: 819 Member
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    You need to speak to your mother before you get there.

    "Mom, I'm really looking forward to seeing you and I would enjoy myself even more if you wouldn't try to feed me while I'm there. If I say I don't want something, and you keep trying to give it to me, I feel unheard and like you don't understand or don't care about my feelings. I don't refuse food to insult you, I do it because I do not want to overeat. I'm working hard to get healthy and would appreciate your support."
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
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    I have noticed that the people who usually catch the most grief are those who draw a lot of attention to what others are eating or what they "can't" eat. I'm not saying you are like that, OP -- it doesn't sound like you are! But I feel like, in a lot of social situations, eating a "normal" meal in a smaller amount seems to get me totally off the hook while someone who is making a big show of separating all the parts of the pizza and giving a mini-speech on the evils of whatever ingredient(s), and longingly staring at someone else's macaroni or ice cream cake...that is the person who gets negative attention and people trying to feed them more snacks.

    This is very true, however, sometimes people don't understand why you do what you do which causes them to become obnoxious. I am not a meat eater, I don't talk about it, it doesn't effect anyone but me and is no one's business. Come holidays, I am constantly having to say "no, thank you", "I appreciate it, but I am fine", etc. I don't draw attention to myself, nor do I expect things to be cooked different for me. For some reason people take it personally that I won't eat what they made - they think I am missing out on something so they continuously ask. Of course it gets old, but people eventually will respect your choices and move on. Stick to your guns - eat what you want and nothing else.
  • dopeysmelly
    dopeysmelly Posts: 1,390 Member
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    In non-family social situations I just say "no thank you" again and again and again and again and again.. They'll give up eventually.

    Family is maybe a bit different, because there's a whole bundle of emotions in there that are sometimes not present in other situations . I would probably still do the "no, thank you" thing, but mentally prepare myself for the judgmental onslaught which I know will follow.

    This is kinda similar to the dreadful nagging I used to get from my Mom and sis about my excess weight. It didn't make any difference to my weight, made our relationship much worse and got me extremely upset. Eventually I told my Mom that if she didn't back off I'd stop visiting her. Sometimes family don't realize how much they are hurting you until you lay it out there. If it upsets you a lot, then you may have to lay it out there. If you can cope, then the long, patient method may work better.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
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    We have dinner with my mother in law twice a week. I always bring my own food. I can't eat what she makes because I don't have time to spend the next day being sick.
    She always offers something and my reply is "no, thank you, but thank you for offering.".
    You can be a good girl and keep the peace and still say no.
  • xenu01
    xenu01 Posts: 117 Member
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    These responses are so helpful, thank you! It is weird that not taking a piece of bread out of the bread basket when it goes around, or not eating donuts after you've already eaten breakfast, or cheese and crackers after dinner, can become Fraught and Political, but it can! Family is weird.

    I feel better equipped to handle it now, though. I am seriously printing this thread out and taking it with me next time!
  • dopeysmelly
    dopeysmelly Posts: 1,390 Member
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    Family is weird.

    Amen to that!
  • Kita328
    Kita328 Posts: 370 Member
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    My mom was a tough one too. Everyone would pick on me about what I was eating- Like ti wasnt good enough. I had too many veggies or no dessert or whatever the reason to say something. Eventually they noticed my weight loss and started to except the way I ate.

    I took it a step further and brought my own food several holidays in a row and now its just a regualr thing for me to bring something food wise to my parents house and now they even want to try some of the healthier foods and substitutions. Its hit or miss. Sometimes they like the food I bring sometimes they dont. Doesn't matter- Its MY body.

    I had to tell my mom that food isnt love. Im also a very blunt person so that may not work for you...but you could try.
  • moparjer
    moparjer Posts: 125 Member
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    I was forced to stay at my Dad's a couple years ago to help out when he recovered from back surgery (in his 80's). No matter that I tell him I can fix my own breakfast, he fixes a huge bowl of cereal, then piles on fruit that's been in the fridge for a very long time, and hands it to me thinking that's what he's supposed to do as a Dad! I can't throw part of it away because he's obsessive and checks the garbage! His freezer has food in it from 3 years ago! If we're at a restaurant, he'll order steak RARE. If I happen to order steak "medium" rare (because I don't like it pink and bloody!), he ridicules me and says his girlfriend (from 50 years ago) told him "steak should always be eaten RARE! Don't you know?" Rather than making up his own mind, he takes her word for it and I've had to listen to this story my whole life! Now that my husband's eating whole foods only (due to heart Dr. orders), I avoid most meats. We have a birthday party coming next week and I am going to have my first hamburger in weeks. I'll ask my brother to BBQ it WELL DONE! My Mom used to tell me "bread is evil" and "you're not SNACKING are you???" She died last Spring, but I still remember her comments. I think it was part of the dementia...

    Just ignore what relatives say! It's your body and relatives often don't think of how they hurt us.
  • SingRunTing
    SingRunTing Posts: 2,604 Member
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    Say "No" and mean it. Seriously, that's all that works. You are responsible for what goes into your mouth. No one can force feed you.

    At my inlaws, I actually break out her kitchen scale and weigh my food. They keep asking me if I want this or that, but I just say no (unless I do want it of course). They kind of roll their eyes at me and are waiting for me to be done with this "diet". Little do they know that this is something I plan on doing forever.
  • oksanatkachuk
    oksanatkachuk Posts: 149 Member
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    Grr.. I m trying to avoid family food gatherings latly. Last night I almost Got away with secretly feeding piece of horrible fried cheese to my husband. Didn't finish my plate saying I m full. Usually btw saying that u r full and not hungry anymore helps more than explaining ur future plans..
    PS. They still made me overeat :/ working on it

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