Asian family make me want to starve myself

violetrix
violetrix Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm staying with my aunt and grandma in Hong Kong for the summer and have been continuing to workout and eat healthy whilst I'm here. But it's so hard to stay motivated when all they ever do is call me fat. At every opportunity. It doesn't matter when, where or who we're with, they will always refer to me as 'big fat girl' or just call me fat straight up, tell me I have massive thighs or arms or face. They take note of everything I eat and comment that 'eating too much watermelon will make me fat' or 'eating meat is too fatty and that's why I'm fat'.

I'm 5'2.5" and 135lbs so I still have about 10-15lbs to lose but even when I was 13 and 120lbs they still called me fat! It doesn't help that by Asian standards, anything above a UK size 6 is 'fat'. I don't know how I'm going to survive this summer without trying to starve myself. Any advice?
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Replies

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  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    talk to them about it. if they dont listen, move. you shouldn't have to put up with ignorant people like that, honestly they sound cruel and bitter. alot of people would tell you straight up to tell them to *kitten* off, but they are family so i suppose you have to keep a decently cool head around them
  • QuietBloom
    QuietBloom Posts: 5,413 Member
    Wow, that's a tough row to hoe. Sorry about your grandparents. If it helps at all, they love you and probably think they are helping you. You aren't going to change them, so all you can do is change the way you think when they call you fat. With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.
  • Leana93412
    Leana93412 Posts: 162
    I'd tell them that they shouldn't moan about your fat, their not the ones carrying it. Or start being spiteful and comment on things that you know make them uncomfortable. Purposely show them how much you're enjoying your fattening meat.

    But that's just me. My other techniques include zoning out and focusing my attention on something more important and just saying hmmm... every now and then.
  • oksanatkachuk
    oksanatkachuk Posts: 149 Member
    I would get mad. Inside and outside. Inside anger always gives me great motivation, outside anger will shut them up.

    Go girl, nobody dares to be rude with u, even ur family. Never ever allow that. If u are overweight and You don't like it- use all ur emotions for the good
  • violetrix
    violetrix Posts: 60 Member
    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    talk to them about it. if they dont listen, move. you shouldn't have to put up with ignorant people like that, honestly they sound cruel and bitter. alot of people would tell you straight up to tell them to *kitten* off, but they are family so i suppose you have to keep a decently cool head around them

    To American standards, for sure they sound cruel and bitter. But I think what's more likely happening here is a cultural divide between what's socially acceptable to Asians, and what's not acceptable to Americans. Outside the States, people are typically much more frank with each other, especially concerning physical appearance and weight.

    For example, my mom lived in Spain for a few years, and an acquaintance looked behind her and remarked in Spanish "Wow, Katherine, you're carrying around a really big butt, huh?" It wasn't meant to be offensive, it was just an observation, like noticing how long someone's hair is, or the shape of their nose.

    OP. try to not let it get to you. Most likely they aren't trying to shame or embarrass you. It might help to mention politely to them that your weight can be a sensitive topic and while you're working on it, you'd appreciate it if they kept the weight remarks to a minimum.
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member
    Doesn't sound like there's much you can do to change them. Tune them out and try as hard as you can to not take it personally. You aren't fat. Enjoy your time in Hong Kong and avoid them as much as possible. And count down the days until you're outta there. Good luck and sorry you're being subjected to that.
  • dolliesdaughter
    dolliesdaughter Posts: 544 Member
    I would leave. No one should abuse you like that. Family or not, they have no right to berate you.
  • ValGogo
    ValGogo Posts: 2,168 Member
    Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc. I also understand that that you also respect your elders (unlike us yanks here) and can't tell them to piss off.

    Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.
  • sassyjae21
    sassyjae21 Posts: 1,217 Member

    talk to them about it. if they dont listen, move. you shouldn't have to put up with ignorant people like that, honestly they sound cruel and bitter. alot of people would tell you straight up to tell them to *kitten* off, but they are family so i suppose you have to keep a decently cool head around them


    To American standards, for sure they sound cruel and bitter. But I think what's more likely happening here is a cultural divide between what's socially acceptable to Asians, and what's not acceptable to Americans. Outside the States, people are typically much more frank with each other, especially concerning physical appearance and weight.

    For example, my mom lived in Spain for a few years, and an acquaintance looked behind her and remarked in Spanish "Wow, Katherine, you're carrying around a really big butt, huh?" It wasn't meant to be offensive, it was just an observation, like noticing how long someone's hair is, or the shape of their nose.

    OP. try to not let it get to you. Most likely they aren't trying to shame or embarrass you. It might help to mention politely to them that your weight can be a sensitive topic and while you're working on it, you'd appreciate it if they kept the weight remarks to a minimum
    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy

    The above is what makes them sound cruel and bitter.
  • letthetrexout
    letthetrexout Posts: 10 Member
    They are probably projecting their own insecurities onto you. Living a healthy lifestyle for yourself is the best way to handle this, because really, you get to leave at the end of the summer. Keep making good choices, and remember that you are more educated on healthy eating than they are.
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
  • LastMinuteMama
    LastMinuteMama Posts: 590 Member
    talk to them about it. if they dont listen, move. you shouldn't have to put up with ignorant people like that, honestly they sound cruel and bitter. alot of people would tell you straight up to tell them to *kitten* off, but they are family so i suppose you have to keep a decently cool head around them

    To American standards, for sure they sound cruel and bitter. But I think what's more likely happening here is a cultural divide between what's socially acceptable to Asians, and what's not acceptable to Americans. Outside the States, people are typically much more frank with each other, especially concerning physical appearance and weight.

    For example, my mom lived in Spain for a few years, and an acquaintance looked behind her and remarked in Spanish "Wow, Katherine, you're carrying around a really big butt, huh?" It wasn't meant to be offensive, it was just an observation, like noticing how long someone's hair is, or the shape of their nose.

    OP. try to not let it get to you. Most likely they aren't trying to shame or embarrass you. It might help to mention politely to them that your weight can be a sensitive topic and while you're working on it, you'd appreciate it if they kept the weight remarks to a minimum.

    This exactly.
  • Savlona
    Savlona Posts: 84 Member
    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    I love this! Can I borrow it even though I'm a Brit :)
    OP, families can be odd that way. My heart goes out to you. Remember though, no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
  • willrun4bagels
    willrun4bagels Posts: 838 Member
    I advise you beat them into submission.

    But since we know you can't do that, you are just going to have to work extra hard to tune them out. You're not fat. It's gotta do a number on your self-esteem, but do your best not to pay them any mind. Good luck.

    This. Maybe this is a cultural thing, idk. But if a close family member called me fat repeatedly (idc if it's my grandmother either), I'd start picking on them until they STFU and mind their own business. Do they know you're trying to be conscious of your daily intake and exercise? And they're still doing it? I'd smack a b!tch.
  • violetrix
    violetrix Posts: 60 Member
    Thanks for all the support guys, I'm trying to block it out but I'm not sure how long my self esteem can handle it. I keep coming back to MFP to remind myself that starvation is bad!
    Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc.

    Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.

    It really is brutal. I can pinpoint the exact moment 11 year old me started to hate my body. It was when my grandma commented on my chubby arms and said how fat I was getting (I was 100lbs max). It doesn't help that all the girls in Hong Kong seem to have legs the size of my arms. I feel obese next to them. But I'll do my best to keep my confidence up!
  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy

    Keep in mind, from their perspective, their lives are already settled. You're the one that they hope to "help" lose weight and attract a man. What they eat or look like doesn't matter, what you eat and look like does.

    It's difficult to be on the receiving end of so much "caring" but in Asian cultures that's really what this amounts to. Try to take it as it's intended, as difficult as that may be.

    And if you seriously just can't stand it any more, smile big and say "But I want to be just like you, aunties."
  • BondBomb
    BondBomb Posts: 1,781 Member
    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy
    I'm guessing you are young and single right? They want you to be skinny to get a man? Don't disrespect your family no matter how angry you get. Just know and understand that its a different culture and they do believe they are being helpful. It's easy for us to say to tell them off, but you still have to live with your family. The only thing you can do it keep remembering that you are not fat and working towards your goals. The culture in my family is the opposite. No matter what I'm too skinny and overdoing it. I'm 15 lbs overweight and they act as if I am anorexic and constantly force food on me. I just keep doing whats best for me and remaining patient with them. They are doing it because they love me. It sucks, but you can't change cultural norms overnight.
  • Quasita
    Quasita Posts: 1,530 Member
    I agree that it sounds like a culture thing, and not an intentionally offensive, meant to hurt you sort of thing. It doesn't mean that I agree with the tactic, but comparing yourself to other family members isn't going to do any good either.

    The thing about self-esteem is it is about the SELF. Why care what they think? Ultimately, you can choose whether or not you let it register with you, whether it means anything to you. If you think they are just being cruel for cruelty's sake, then blow it off. The only way it gets into your head is by you allowing it in.

    They can't make you want to starve yourself. Ultimately, the starve yourself response has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you and how you accept their statements. If they couldn't accept you at a normal weight, then there really is no use trying to convince them to do so at any weight really... So screw it. Enjoy your vacation, do what you know is right, and the next time you're invited out, say no thanks. If it's so bad that you can't handle it, go home.

    You either accept the culture or you don't. If you adhere to the respect of elders and all that part of Chinese culture, then perhaps in turn you should try to accept the bluntness that is often part of the Chinese character. Whether it makes sense or not, the mentality of hard work and minimalism is a strong undercurrent in Chinese society. They have a disparaging view of the US because of the characteristics of our society. Basically any Western culture really. It's likely that they would find some sort of improvement to push on you, whatever it might be, so I'd just chalk it up to cultural divide.
  • buzybev
    buzybev Posts: 199 Member
    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy
    I'm guessing you are young and single right? They want you to be skinny to get a man? Don't disrespect your family no matter how angry you get. Just know and understand that its a different culture and they do believe they are being helpful. It's easy for us to say to tell them off, but you still have to live with your family
    . The only thing you can do it keep remembering that you are not fat and working towards your goals. The culture in my family is the opposite. No matter what I'm too skinny and overdoing it. I'm 15 lbs overweight and they act as if I am anorexic and proactively force food on me. I just keep doing whats best for me and remaining patient with them. They are doing it because they love me. It sucks, but you can't change cultural norms overnight.

    I can relate to this, especially in Kenyan/Kisii culture where having some extra meat on your bones is a sign of good health. I went home after a 6 month absence (and around 25lbs lighter), and my mom was shocked and said that I looked like a bag of bones. Mind you I was around 155... Not excusing what is being said and done, but It definitely sounds like cultural disconnect. It can be tough being a diasporic kid.
  • csk0018
    csk0018 Posts: 219 Member
    I think it's best to just ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. I know it's hard and their words are hurtful but you have no control over what they are going to say to you -- you do have control over how you will let their words affect you.

    I went through this my whole life and instead of ignoring it -- I let it get to me and ate more to spite the loved ones who called me fat. That's no good. And I've tried talking to my mother about how she made me feel growing up but she just didn't get it.

    It's a cultural thing -- they probably got the same treatment growing up as they are doing to you so they don't think anything is wrong with it. I didn't grow up with hugs, kisses, encouraging words or I love you's -- my parents showed their love by feeding me, clothing me and providing shelter. Old school Asian parents are just like that -- nothing is going to change.

    I'm sorry you are going through this -- just remember, you're not alone.
  • slomo22
    slomo22 Posts: 125 Member
    Do the American thing and tell them to "Shut thier dam* commi mouths before you open a can of freedom on thier a*s!!" Adding a braveheart freedom scream is always a nice touch too.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Fight fire with fire and embarrass them in public - Asian culture frowns on that.
  • puddy29
    puddy29 Posts: 77
    Have you tried telling them how they make you feel. I think that is horrible. Is going home an option?
  • Oi_Sunshine
    Oi_Sunshine Posts: 819 Member
    "Well, you're ugly and I can diet."
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    I love this! Can I borrow it even though I'm a Brit :)
    OP, families can be odd that way. My heart goes out to you. Remember though, no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

    Of course you can. Southern belles have the tone of voice down to an art form, so that folks will know if they are being honest or sarcastic.
  • Zaftique
    Zaftique Posts: 599 Member
    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    Oh man. I haven't heard that choice phrase in ages. I had an aunt who would trot that out at the most fun of times. :P To be fair, I had the Minnestoan "well, that's different" cocked and loaded in my holster. ;)
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
    Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc. I also understand that that you also respect your elders (unlike us yanks here) and can't tell them to piss off.

    Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.
    My first instinct was to wonder why she added their ethnicity... it seems she did so to suggest it's cultural...if so, then yes, OP, your response should be cultural as well.

    Or, go home.

    But hey, while you're there, ask your aunt how to cooks some yummy healthy foods!
  • rexroars
    rexroars Posts: 131 Member
    One of my best friends is Korean and whenever she goes to visit her family there, they are pretty awful to her. In her case, as her sister explains it, her family thinks that (and honestly this is partially true due to our awful society/world) weight directly correlates to how successful someone is. They think that if she is thin, wears the right clothing/makeup and other physical things - it will help her find the best husband and career possible. They truly believe that. It's partially just superficial I'm sure, wanting to brag to their friends and family, but partially they are just being straight up and saying "hey if you're thin you won't be discriminated against when looking for jobs."

    Overall I think the way they talk to her is horrible, but that's also from my USA perspective. I know that after growing up here, it makes her feel way more horrible than it does motivate her.

    But I think in a way it's kind of like how my mother would absolutely freak out if I got a tattoo, and probably make passive aggressive comments about it whenever possible. Even though I have a fantastic job for my age making a great salary, and have a successful boyfriend of 3 years, she would literally think all of that would fall apart because of a tattoo. She'd think that no respectable man would want to be with a woman with tattoos, and no respectable company would hire me.

    That's obviously bull**** but at least I know it's not coming from 100% superficial thoughts. She would just be completely wrong.

    Remind yourself that many other children are going through this (and I know this is a huge problem for a lot of my Asian friends especially). And focus on proving to them that you can be successful in your own way! :) I hope that helps! Take this with a grain of salt of course since this is just my southern USA white girl perspective. :)

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