When people in your life aren't on board

sadiebrawl
sadiebrawl Posts: 863 Member
in Fitness and Exercise
I find it really hard when all 8 of my siblings and significant others and all 11 nieces and nephews are out of shape and over weight and I'm the only one trying. I studied Psychology in college and I believe human behavior is really affected by environment. So. I have been trying to be the "environment" for these kids. No support from their parents or my spouse. I'm losing my mind, and crying. It's so hard.


I don't know what to do. I keep giving in to ice cream and awful habits.

Replies

  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
    Worry about yourself. When you have a firm handle on your own habits, than it might make sense better to concern yourself with what everyone else is doing, but not before. Even then it is not your job to raise and lifestyle-educate other people's children. That would piss me off supremely if I caught anyone trying to horn in on my parenting, whether intentions were pure, or not. You just don't do that.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    You are you're own boat. they aren't on board with you.

    you all may paddle down the creek together as a caravan- but you are you're OWN boat.

    Worry about you- be responsible for you. plain and simple.
  • MrsSchimmy
    MrsSchimmy Posts: 255 Member
    I always rely on the saying

    "The weak cannot help the weak. Only the strong can help the weak."

    Or something like that...

    Basically, focus on YOU. Make yourself the best you can and THEN you can help others without feeling overwhelmed.
  • spa407
    spa407 Posts: 47 Member
    I can appreciate your frustration. I don't always get support when it comes to being healthy. Do your best to tune them out and stay true to yourself and your goals. Feel free to add me as a friend and we can help each other through.
  • weightliftingdiva
    weightliftingdiva Posts: 522 Member
    I feel like many of us have felt this way at one point. Like others said, you have to do this for you. The individuals in your family will either be inspired/motivated or they will not.

    If you (or anyone else) is looking for support, feel free to add me, I'm looking for more MFP friends.
  • TMattP
    TMattP Posts: 49 Member
    You can't save everyone. A really good friend told me once "You don't have a cape or wear your undies over your pants"

    Now I just temper my own frustrations by offering advice and support once. I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do.

    They need to decide.

    If they do then I am with them 100%
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
    I'm in a similar situation. I'm often around friends and family who are not always supportive and can sometimes be demotivating. I learned a long time ago that I need to be the captain of my own ship. Some people will be inspired by what you do and will see you as a role model and begin to tackle their own health issues. Some people will feel threatened and make unflattering comments.

    The best advice anyone has ever given me on this is:

    "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." Mahatma Gandhi
  • steve0820
    steve0820 Posts: 510 Member
    Besides counting calories, I think that's a big reason why a lot of us are on here, for interactions with like minded people.
  • zcb94
    zcb94 Posts: 3,678 Member
    I feel you! Sometimes friends would bring and share junk, but have slowed down on that. Every day, I hope and pray that I can set them straight and show them how good change is, without having to rudely correct/unfriend them.
  • Valrotha
    Valrotha Posts: 294 Member
    Lean on folks here in this communty, at least the ones who're worth spending time with. Most of us fall off the wagon from time to time. Keep trying and you'll be glad you did.

    And feel free to add me if you need more friends. Good luck in your journey!
  • Amairee
    Amairee Posts: 71 Member
    Be the change you want to see in the world. That's far easier said than done but you are the crusader for your family and more likely than not when they see you getting results and looking and feeling great they're going to be more motivated to work with you. Some may be jealous and try to sabotage your but for every moment you turn away from temptation that's where you're gaining your inner, long-term strength. You're overcoming years of conditioning here, cherish all victories big and small and try (as hard as it can be) to use those victories as your guiding star instead of the people around you!
  • FrankiesSaysRelax
    FrankiesSaysRelax Posts: 403 Member
    You are you're own boat. they aren't on board with you.

    you all may paddle down the creek together as a caravan- but you are you're OWN boat.

    Worry about you- be responsible for you. plain and simple.

    Yep. You can't force people to eat the way you do or exercise. Worry about your own weight and hopefully they will want to follow some day.
  • mochapygmy
    mochapygmy Posts: 2,123 Member
    I understand your frustration! I also would like my parents, brother and sister-in-law to be more active and healthy role models for my niece and nephew.

    In order to motivate everyone I made up a contest and a long term goal. The contest "ran" for 3 months. For every 30 minutes of activity (any activity at all) the person got a point. The person with the most points won our extremely small pot of dough and bragging rights. Each person tracked their own points and it was on the honor system. At the beginning I would send a friendly txt saying stuff like "Week 1 Can everyone get a point this week?" "Week 4 First person to 5 points gets a gold star!" Also reminding people that walking, gardening and other activities counted towards points. I kept it fun and light. It became pretty clear who did and didn't want to participate. I couldn't and can't change anyone's mind or habits and it's not my place to do so. I consider the fact that my Mom now goes to the gym semi-regularly and feels better and urges my Dad to join her a victory.

    Our long term goal was that the whole family complete a 5k run/walk. We picked one at the zoo so the kids would be excited about it. It's coming up and it looks like my niece and I will be the only ones doing it. My parents both need their knees replaced, my sister in law is gigantically preggers and my brother tore his ACL. Even if I'm the only one doing the 5k I'll do it. I'm walking the talk.

    You can't make them want to change if they don't want to. Focus on you and invite them along for the ride. Anyone that jumps on the fitness path is a victory and if they don't it's not a failure.

    Edited to add: I forgot that I tried to plan a once monthly fun family activity like a leisurely nature walk or game of Frisbee, mini golf etc etc. That idea totally tanked as it was near impossible to get anything scheduled/ get the family to agree on an activity. I tried but it wasn't meant to be.
  • arguablysamson
    arguablysamson Posts: 1,709 Member
    I find it really hard when all 8 of my siblings and significant others and all 11 nieces and nephews are out of shape and over weight and I'm the only one trying. I studied Psychology in college and I believe human behavior is really affected by environment. So. I have been trying to be the "environment" for these kids. No support from their parents or my spouse. I'm losing my mind, and crying. It's so hard.


    I don't know what to do. I keep giving in to ice cream and awful habits.

    So amazing how people make their problems other peoples' problems. It requires discipline, maturity, and an acknowledged need to come to terms with non-support, but you shouldn't need support. Do it for you. You will when you are ready. You do what you have to do. Be mature about it and just do it. A lot of us have and saw success by sitting right down when our friends all ate out while we had nothing but a Diet Coke or water. It can totally be done...when a person is ready to stop playing games.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    ...sometimes you have to sail without them.

    Bon Voyage! :drinker:
  • stephe1987
    stephe1987 Posts: 406 Member
    Lead by example rather than trying to tell/encourage them on what to do. They will notice your weight loss and will want it for themselves. Eventually they'll either get motivated to exercise or someone will get a health scare and need to lose some weight. Let's hope they get motivated by your example and don't have to wait for a tragedy.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    You cant save the world.
  • iMikky
    iMikky Posts: 30
    Don't worry about them, that could make you forget about your own needs. The doctor told my mom to lose weight and to stop eating certain foods. Fats in particular. You probably already know how the story goes. She's a first time dieter so she cut out some of the fats and overcompensated with sugar. We tried to tell her she couldn't do that so now she sneaks it. So one day I tried to lead by telling my mom that most of the time I eat 1700 calories a day. Naturally she looked shocked and said how even she doesn't eat that much, when she haves about 500-1000 alone in juices. So all that time I was focused on helping my mom I ended up gaining the weight it took me a whole 2 months to lose and I started over 2 weeks ago. I know you see the sad little 5 down there. I hate to say that I won't help my own mother lose weight especially since I lost about 50 pounds before MFP, but I can't focus on the both of us at the same time. Trust me, you don't want to end up there. At least they know to go to you for advice.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Spend more time away from those people. Pick up new interests and new people who share your goals.Instead of feeling like you are teaching others, let the knew people be your teachers.
  • joanna_82
    joanna_82 Posts: 151 Member
    I went for lunch with my mum yesterday, to a place approx 1 mile away from our respective homes.I walked in the sunshine. She drove. She couldn't understand why I wanted to walk home and was trying to make me take a lift home from her. She thought I was crazy for choosing to walk home!

    Its difficult but I try to inspire my family but don't expend too much energy trying to force them to do things they don't want to do.
  • sadiebrawl
    sadiebrawl Posts: 863 Member
    Thank you for all your kind thoughtful responses. I should tattoo "do it for you" on my wrist or something :)

    And to some of you, I would never tell others or especially others how to raise their kids. I literally just desired to be on the same team (or boat since that seems to be a theme here) as my family, just saying it would make life easier. I quit smoking a few years ago, have been running and trying to eat better for 3 years. Really, one sister kinda got on board. I never push my habits on others, but was hoping deep down more would follow. But a couple more got diabetes instead.

    Thank you all.
    Really.
    Even the tough love don't be a big baby replies... I needed those also.
  • _lyndseybrooke_
    _lyndseybrooke_ Posts: 2,561 Member
    Are you doing this for you or for them?
  • sadiebrawl
    sadiebrawl Posts: 863 Member
    Are you doing this for you or for them?

    at this point... my kids.
  • EternalFiend
    EternalFiend Posts: 9 Member
    If you are struggling to make good choices around them when they are making bad ones, have a conversation with them! Tell them that you are doing your very best to be healthy and that although you're not saying they have to do the same, ask them to understand that there will be times when you say no to food. I had to get over this with my boyfriend because he used to get upset if I didn't eat dessert when we were out for dinner (he didn't either, he just likes to treat me!).

    That will help you, as for helping them? You can't. The only way being healthy sticks is if you made that decision to do it yourself! So yes, it is frustrating and it sucks and you want to do all that you can for the people that you love but you need to let them find their own way. You will end up inspiring them in some way - I never encouraged my mum to run, but once she saw me complete a 5k, she started up. Praise your family for the smaller, healthy choices that they make - positive reinforcement really works! They walked to the shops? Tell them how awesome that is! Talk about the other great things that come from eating healthy - more energy, better sleep etc casually around them. If this is something that they want, then they will associate heathy eating with awesome benefits. If you make them dinner, make them something super tasty and healthy - they may be associating healthy food with boring food! I know I did for ages!

    Stay positive! It's so easy to slip into old habits, but try your best not to! Maybe set up a motivation board up in your house? I did that at uni when it was all too easy to eat pizza like the rest of the students! I had all my favourite motivational quotes and goals on it!

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a mammoth reply... so I hope that is helps!
  • WelshPhil1975
    WelshPhil1975 Posts: 138 Member
    I can very much relate to this. I am almost met with resistance from my wife and I have no idea why. I am doing this for me and the knock-on benefits the better health will have on my kids and I can't understand why she can't buy in to that. But no matter, I'm carrying on anyway, it will not stop me.
  • debraran1
    debraran1 Posts: 521 Member
    I try to stress how much better I feel, less tired, etc after eating better and losing weight. How can you argue with going from feeling crappy to better? I also default at times, although I don't need an excuse saying, how I have gastric issues with eating fried foods now which is true and too much dairy. My family and friends see me eat cake and sweets, I just don't go overboard as often as before.
    I think without words, many feel, if you don't do something, it means you think they are "bad". My kids had that in college when they didn't drink or drank little. I feel it's their guilt and their problem and think about how hard I worked to get back in a better place.
    I do get snide comments at times, "I guess you aren't trying the "fill in the blank" at parties or picnics, but I let it slide, again it's more about them. My hubby also needs to lose weight and sometimes makes comments I workout too much, I don't at all, but being home now vs the gym, he sees it and feels, "I'm doing nothing". I've learned to make my health uppermost and not someones feelings and hope that in time, we can support each other instead of having it divide.
  • FindingAmy77
    FindingAmy77 Posts: 1,268 Member
    I find it really hard when all 8 of my siblings and significant others and all 11 nieces and nephews are out of shape and over weight and I'm the only one trying. I studied Psychology in college and I believe human behavior is really affected by environment. So. I have been trying to be the "environment" for these kids. No support from their parents or my spouse. I'm losing my mind, and crying. It's so hard.


    I don't know what to do. I keep giving in to ice cream and awful habits.

    all you can do is lead by example. you cant force anyone to do what you do. you can eat ice cream. just make sure its portioned out. a level ice cream scoop is a portion. don't know what the awful habits are you mentioned but its all about the many small changes you make that lead you to your goals. you don't need anyone else involved to do this for yourself
  • shabaity
    shabaity Posts: 792 Member
    I think I've got a similar problem my family is on board with me getting healthy they just go about showing it the wrong way. They push exercise which is great I appreciate it all on board with fitness. However they always push me to eat more, which again I do understand why. I spent most of my k-12 years on medication that side effects are appetite suppression ergo I don't actually have much in the way of eating habits. So now the same foods that were used to increase my caloric intake then are still being pushed in my general direction and I don't need them anymore. I'm eating more often and watching my caloric intake and cutting back on refined breads and sugar. I'm always on the go so yeah its not the greatest nutrition wise but I'm replacing fries with apple packets and grilled wraps instead of burgers. I just wish they could see I'm doing better with this than I was back then.
  • marsellient
    marsellient Posts: 591 Member
    It's difficult to learn to say "no" to foods you don't want to eat, no to driving when you can easily walk, or to spending time doing for others or taking on responsibilities you don't have time for, but it's an important skill. What I've learned is that I don't have to explain or apologise (too much) when I say no. What I eat, when I exercise, how I choose to spend my time, is my decision and I don't owe anyone an explanation. What I'm trying to say is that you probably should just get on with your plan and forget justifying it to your family, and wait to see if any of them notice or are curious about how you've improved your health. Ask yourself this: do any of them feel the need to justify their choices to you?
    I hope you are successful in meeting your goals!
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I find it really hard when all 8 of my siblings and significant others and all 11 nieces and nephews are out of shape and over weight and I'm the only one trying. I studied Psychology in college and I believe human behavior is really affected by environment. So. I have been trying to be the "environment" for these kids. No support from their parents or my spouse. I'm losing my mind, and crying. It's so hard.


    I don't know what to do. I keep giving in to ice cream and awful habits.
    Stop trying to control everyone else and worry about yourself. That's what to do.

Categories