Chronic Cheating

lydia_the_tattooed_lady
lydia_the_tattooed_lady Posts: 324 Member
in Chit-Chat
Ok guys. My friend's fiancee was recently revealed to have been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship (almost 4 years). He claims not to have done anything physically but he did send graphic photos and texts to at least ten other women. In coming to terms with this, they are going through counseling with their pastor, he is getting help from a psychologist, and their end goal is to get back together if possible.

My question is this: have you ever known a person to chronically cheat, lie and act duplicitously for years....then find God and change permanently? I don't trust him to change for good. I don't believe he won't pull this again in a few years after the ring is on her finger. Do any of you have success stories? All I hear is one or two time screw ups that made good. I have no faith in him.

And while I realize that it isn't my relationship, I love this girl more than my sisters and I hate seeing her go through all this pain. I am fiercely protective of her because she is forgiving to a fault and has been cheated on by almost all of her boyfriends. I'm not meddling, I'm just trying to form an opinion of the situation!
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Replies

  • lawandfitness
    lawandfitness Posts: 1,257 Member
    I think that a person can change, but it also depends on their past and personality.

    If this guy has never been able to stay faithful in any of his relationships, past and present, then chances are not even god can change him. Some people just can't have a monogamous relationships, but they need to recognize this instead of hurting other people in the process.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    He claims not to have done anything physically but he did send graphic photos and texts to at least ten other women.

    So he is a member here already?
  • Escloflowne
    Escloflowne Posts: 2,038 Member
    No amount of indoctrination is going to stop him from cheating on her...
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
    Ok guys. My friend's fiancee was recently revealed to have been cheating on her for the entirety of their relationship (almost 4 years). He claims not to have done anything physically but he did send graphic photos and texts to at least ten other women. In coming to terms with this, they are going through counseling with their pastor, he is getting help from a psychologist, and their end goal is to get back together if possible.

    My question is this: have you ever known a person to chronically cheat, lie and act duplicitously for years....then find God and change permanently? I don't trust him to change for good. I don't believe he won't pull this again in a few years after the ring is on her finger. Do any of you have success stories? All I hear is one or two time screw ups that made good. I have no faith in him.

    And while I realize that it isn't my relationship, I love this girl more than my sisters and I hate seeing her go through all this pain. I am fiercely protective of her because she is forgiving to a fault and has been cheated on by almost all of her boyfriends. I'm not meddling, I'm just trying to form an opinion of the situation!

    1) yes. i have known someone to stop cheating. but this is usually after leaving the person they were cheating on. I have known one instance where a guy cheated for a while and reconciled. They are still together a year and a half later. I have no idea if he has started cheating again or not. I assume he has not.

    2) God really has nothing to do with the ability to be a good person. If this guy uses faith as motivation, then that is great. But I know a few religious people who aren't the most moral.

    3) You can warn her, and express concern - but don't push it. If you do, you might push her away. The best thing you can do is be there for her if this happens again.
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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Some advice:

    Your friend is going to do what she's going to do no matter what you say or how much "evidence" you have that this guy can't or won't change. Be her friend, lend an ear and a shoulder, but otherwise stay out of it.
  • deluxmary2000
    deluxmary2000 Posts: 981 Member
    Chances are he will cheat on her again, but that's her risk to take and her decision to make. Be her friend, and be there to (non-judgementally) pick up the pieces if/when it happens again.
  • _BearNecessities_
    _BearNecessities_ Posts: 432 Member

    I know one thing that won't help them, you constantly inserting yourself into their relationship waiting for him to screw up. Be her friend, but you have to let her make her own choices.

    ^^ This
  • kristarablue2
    kristarablue2 Posts: 386 Member
    He claims not to have done anything physically but he did send graphic photos and texts to at least ten other women.

    So he is a member here already?

    ROFL....I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING!!!!
  • FitGal4ever42
    FitGal4ever42 Posts: 265 Member
    So sending graphic photos and texts is not right ? :noway:
  • 365andstillalive
    365andstillalive Posts: 663 Member
    It really depends on what the core reason he's cheating is. There's been a lot of studies coming out recently that have shown that both men and women who are completely happy in their relationship and classed as "in love" with their SO, will cheat, often numerous times for a variety of reasons, usually having a lot to do with liking the attention from the other sex.
    My boyfriend did something similar, I caught him sending pictures/messages with other women about a year into our relationship, and the messages went back months. He swears he never did anything physical, but a year later, I'm still not completely over that incident. If I ever found out he was doing it again, I'd be out the door, no questions asked because that behavior is not excusable to me.
    We've worked a lot to get passed that point, and to rebuild our relationship and the trust we used to have, but I still get a sinking feeling in my stomach if he mentions any of the women that he messaged, or if I see one of them like his status on facebook etc. It's really rough, it's made me a jealous person when I've never felt that way, and for the first time in my life, it genuinely made me feel like I just wasn't good enough. I'm still trying to get passed that.

    Really, it's all about his behavior now. It's a good sign he's willing to do counselling, but you're right to be wary, and hopefully your friend is too. There's no real good advice to give, because it's a crappy situation no matter how you look at it. Their relationship may survive, he may keep his **** pics to himself for the rest of his life... or he might not, she might catch him cheating. It's a gamble, but ultimately it's hers to take. All you can do is express concern, but let her know that you will support her no matter her decision, and if he decision is to be with him, that means not being a jerk to him either. If she can get over it, so can you.
  • patrickblo13
    patrickblo13 Posts: 831 Member
    So sending graphic photos and texts is not right ? :noway:

    Get me on that distribution list please...thank you
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,275 Member
    So sending graphic photos and texts is not right ? :noway:
    in OP's situation I suppose not, but don't let that stop YOU :wink:
    \m/
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  • branflakes1980
    branflakes1980 Posts: 2,516 Member
    Most likely he will cheat on her again, and as her friend I understand your want to protect her from getting hurt. That said, she needs to find out on her own, as you being pushy and overinserting your opinions will most likely only push her further away from you. She has been betrayed, she is hurt and looking for support because she wants to fix her relationship. You constantly telling her it is a bad idea will not end well for your friendship. Even if what you are saying is most likely true, she doesn't want to hear that right now so unfortunatley you have to just support her in the decision and most likely will have to be there to pick up the pieces when he hurts her again.
  • AmyG1982
    AmyG1982 Posts: 1,040 Member
    My ex said I was the only girl he'd ever been with and not cheated on... so I guess it is possible. But I, like you wouldn't be able to trust him either
  • sinistras
    sinistras Posts: 244 Member
    I thought this was about food. Like, chronically having a cheat item every day, like pizza/beer/cake.
  • The_Aly_Wei
    The_Aly_Wei Posts: 844 Member
    He claims not to have done anything physically but he did send graphic photos and texts to at least ten other women.

    So he is a member here already?

    That's hilarious.

    People can change, but it takes work. Trust has to be rebuilt. It won't be easy, but relationships are never easy.

    I know one thing that won't help them, you constantly inserting yourself into their relationship waiting for him to screw up. Be her friend, but you have to let her make her own choices.

    This.

    It is a mindset and a mindset can only be changed by the person in question. No one else. ESPECIALLY someone not directly involved in the relationship.
  • AsaThorsWoman
    AsaThorsWoman Posts: 2,303 Member
    I'm so glad my religion has divination for weird unknowns like this.

    I guess ask God to show you a sign?

    There are Angel Tarot cards... is that allowed?

    I know each Christian is a little different on how much pagan they let in.
  • 6ftamazon
    6ftamazon Posts: 340 Member
    My ex was a chronic cheater....and he called himself Christian. He actually did have a high belief in god, but it didn't stop him from cheating over and over and over. He even tried to cheat on his new girlfriend with me. So, god really doesn't have anything to do with it imo. A cheater is a cheater.
  • FatFreeFrolicking
    FatFreeFrolicking Posts: 4,252 Member
    Kick him to the curb. She will never be able to trust him again, despite whatever counseling and help he gets. She will FOREVER have the thought that he is cheating in the back of her mind.
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    I do understand your need/desire to be protective, but it isn't your place to comment on any of her decisions, in my humble opinion.
  • accelerashawn
    accelerashawn Posts: 470 Member
    A dude that cheats is not happy with his girl. Therefore...the girl needs to get out.

    If a dude is not happy with his girl...he cannot just become happy...the girl needs to get out.

    In my experience...those who cheat repeatedly cheat until they find someone that they don't want to cheat on. She is obviously not that dude's someone...move on.
  • rebeccaplatt21
    rebeccaplatt21 Posts: 175
    i agree with everything that everyone has said so far.

    i will also say this, i have never been faithful to anyone in my life except ONE.....my now husband, and we've been together for 8 years this oct.

    people CAN change, they just have to WANT to!!
  • leggup
    leggup Posts: 2,942 Member
    He's probably done worse by her than the things she found. He will most likely continue to behave poorly and disrespect their relationship as long as he can get away with it.

    The best advice you can give your friend is that she should consider this day 1 of their relationship if they're going to move on together. That means pushing off the wedding several years while she rebuilds trust in him.
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,855 Member
    This is a train-wreck. .A person who cheats, particularly by pursuing relationships with multiple people, isn't doing it by some mistake. . he didn't fall in love with some co-worker he had to see everyday. .No, he's out there looking for women to send pics of his junk to. . .

    He's not going to stop doing this. .
  • Holly_Roman_Empire
    Holly_Roman_Empire Posts: 4,440 Member
    I've known one or two that have "reformed" but it wasn't because they found God. It was because they found the right person.
  • tabicatinthehat
    tabicatinthehat Posts: 329 Member
    I think a lot of people use God as more of a "get out of jail free" card than a morality guide. And it's because the majority of the population will fall for it. It's disgusting to prey on people's faith like that.

    Also, I think he could change, but she is apparently not worth it for him, so not for her.

    And I also thought this would be about food.
  • 6ftamazon
    6ftamazon Posts: 340 Member
    I've known one or two that have "reformed" but it wasn't because they found God. It was because they found the right person.

    This guy reminds me of my ex, who actually said to me once "women are like fruit, you can't just eat pineapple every day, or you'd get sick of it". Some people might cheat until they find the right person, but people like this guy who text and sext10 different girls (and I can almost guarantee he's doing more, because my ex first claimed that's all he was doing), are doing it because of an addiction. These people will never find "the right person", because they actually can't stop cheating.
  • jnichel
    jnichel Posts: 4,553 Member
    So sending graphic photos and texts is not right ? :noway:

    Let me be wrong. :bigsmile:

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