Finding my Beautiful

Mirrors are such a tricky *****. In one way they are a real asset...nobody wants to have their dress tucked in their underwear or the giant piece of poppy-seed in your front teeth, the inch long hag hair that someone from across the room could see......It protects you and gives you the one last look before you present yourself to the world. They can be discreet and small, floor to ceiling, or multi angle. They leave no stone unturned in the reflection department. In reverse though, they are such a terrible thing to have. You obsess about how your back fat looks in that dress...which you didn't even know was there until you took a visit to the mirror. You have the lighted mirror to inspect your age spots and wrinkles as they form and swear to have seen a difference from day to day....not for the better. You avoid or try to have the cloudy build up of the shower last long enough to get dressed because the idea of standing naked in the mirror is overwhelming to you. Oh and DEAR GOD if you have one in your bedroom and happen to get even a glance of yourself in a compromising position (It changed my love for certain positions DRASTICALLY)



I saw this post this morning and was mortified at the idea of it. I mean it would probably work, but what an AWFUL thing to do to yourself. I am always in awe of a woman who 'society' may not put into the pretty box, but she just OWNS IT and loves what she is looking at. She is confident and powerful in that. She isn't lacking socially or with whomever her recommended gender is for a partner. Her confidence is sexy. When I was single I would always play off the idea that I was not the reason that a man would be coming to my circle of friends. I am cursed and blessed with two amazingly beautiful best friends. So they would bring the men in and I would take on my role. I have a lot of male friends so I can hang with the boys. They are impressed with my knowledge of sports, my overall joking manner puts a lot of guys at ease. My wit and charm might be enough to woo a few.....the boobs help too. I am the funny fat chick. One night while out-of-town with a friend I decided to take on an alter ego. We thought "why not?"....we weren't going to be meeting our soul mates that night and just wanted to have fun. By the end of the evening, I literally had someone begging for my number....on hands and knees. It was CRAZY how much more men were attracted to me. Olive, an entrepreneur from Seattle was a sassy, sexy, confident women that people wanted to know. I loved every minute of it. I attempted to try to do that with good old Jen when I got home, but it wasn't the same. That's not me. I am not confident and comfortable in my skin. I struggle every day getting ready to look in the mirror at a person that I don't like. I hate almost all pictures I am in. I compare myself to everybody else and NEVER measure up. This I am sure is part of the reason I am this size. I am my worst enemy in so many ways.

I decided that I would try taking a baby step (well it was pretty big for me) in the right direction. I stood in front of the mirror this morning buck *kitten* naked and forced myself to find 10 things that I liked about the way I looked. I was astonished at how long it took me to do what seemed like a simple task. That is how far my self-hatred has gone. It's sad really. If you asked me about my personality or characteristics that I like I could probably list several things. I am a good person, with a good heart and I am okay with who I am....sometimes I would say even proud (there were times it wasn't looking good for me). When it comes to appearance I am not even close....I put so much on appearance too. It's the cover to the book. It's what draws a person in. As much as you can say "don't judge by the cover", you can't help what your attracted to. I am just as guilty of doing it to the opposite sex. The guy on his knees begging for my number was 5'6" and too short for me. I wouldn't even give him a chance. He may have been amazing, but because he didn't fit into the package that I generally attract to, I never got to see. I wonder though if he had a bit of the "Olive" attitude I would have been drawn to him??? So in order to get to there with just Jen, I start with a list (because I am a list girl)

Things I like about myself when I look in the mirror
1.My dimples
2.My Eyes
3.My Boobs
4.Small Ankles
5.My freckles on my shoulders
6.Clear skin on my face
7.My ears
8.My Clover tattoo on my left calf
9.My legs from the external side
10.My hands

I will try to focus on these attributes instead of what I normally do. I will take a minute each morning to do this. Hopefully after time it won't be such a chore....Hey I may even add to the list.

I challenge all of you to do the same. I would love to hear what your ten things are. You may even surprise yourself. I did. Embrace your beautiful!!!

Also, I have a confession. I weighed myself today. I was waiting for my yoga class and the scale was calling to me. I couldn't resist. I figured if my will power was going to cave on something though, I would rather it be that then cookies. The number was headed in the right direction though, which made me feel good. I had to come clean after the 30 day plan. I will do my best to not weigh again until that time. This blog is full transparency, so I didn't want to hide it.

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