Feeling discouraged

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124

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  • FindingAmy77
    FindingAmy77 Posts: 1,266 Member
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    Thanks to everyone for the encouraging words.

    And yes, I do know that he is not good for me.

    It has been years since we were actually "in a relationship" with each other, we've just been living together. At the moment I'm stuck because we are both on the lease here. I cannot make him leave and I am in no way capable of pulling off a move right ght now. So I have until...next May to figure it out for me and the kids.

    So for now I'm just trying to stay away from him as much as possible and not listen to the rude comments.

    But thank, a lot of these posts actually did make me feel much better.

    um there are shelters that help you get out of a bad relationship and living situation. They even help you find a job and house. Give them a call. This is not good for the kids or you. When you are ready for something better give them a call.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
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    I am having a hard time understanding why you would allow anyone to wake you up at 3 a.m., and then send you to Walmart.

    for real... anyone who wakes me up at 3am for a BS reason is getting heavy objects thrown at their head.
  • topeka999
    topeka999 Posts: 1
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    How on earth does he think this is okay? You need to lay down the law with this guy - you're losing weight for YOURSELF, and not anybody else. Next time he wakes you up to go buy him something, just say no and go back to bed!
  • rainydays5
    rainydays5 Posts: 217 Member
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    Wow what an a**! I didn't read anyone else's comments because I am sure they all say the same. I have several responses: First, why would you get up at 3am and go to walmart? And why would your husband expect you to do this? If my hubby asked me to run to get him food at 3am while I was ASLEEP he would surely die which is why he wouldn't ask, lol. Seriously though, how disrespectful. After reading this part, it comes as no surprise that he calls you the names he does. Second, you are never going to feel better about yourself with your husband around, even if you do lose the weight. It sounds to me like he is abusive but maybe I am wrong since I am just going off this one story. My advice to get your motivation back? Drop the a** hole!
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
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    If this has been going on for a long period of time, I'm guessing she is putting up with it for now to either keep the peace or because she is so broken down by him she doesn't have any fight in her.

    OP, I really hope you don't wait until your lease runs out to get out of there. Do you have any family or friends that can help you out for a bit?
  • besaro
    besaro Posts: 1,858 Member
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    you ever see John Stewart do that thing were he shakes his head and makes a raspberry sound with his mouth to express complete and utter shock? Well, thats what i just did.
  • Laura732
    Laura732 Posts: 244 Member
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    My husband did that only 3 times. Called me names, told me working out wasn't working, told me that at my age I was stuck with what I got. The 3rd time I got in his face and told him I was taking charge of my own life and taking better care of myself. He had two options shut up or get out. He's still here. Each time he takes an abusive tone, I don't let him get away with it. Sometimes that means stating your case and walking away.

    Point is, you're only a doormat as long as you allow yourself to be walked on.
  • myturn92014
    myturn92014 Posts: 7
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    Others have said it already but you deserve to be treated differently. If this man treats you this way more than once a decade he should be gone. It sounds like you are doing a good job of not letting him trigger you but during his next tantrum stand back and watch and ask what your children are learning from the way he is behaving. If you have sons they are learning to treat a woman this way. If you have daughters they are learning that "love" is a belittling and humiliating experience. You suspect that you deserve better. I am sure you know that they do. That man needs to shape up or ship out! I wish you all the best and wish your man some sense and sensitivity.
  • harlanJEN
    harlanJEN Posts: 1,089 Member
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    I'd be LOSING about 200 lbs REAL QUICK. as in overnight.

    Life is too short. *kitten* are always gonna be - they don't change much. You can tell when someone loves you by the way they TREAT you.

    Lose the weight - kick his butt to the curb. It's HIM, not you.
  • 365andstillalive
    365andstillalive Posts: 663 Member
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    I know you've said you're not in a relationship and just living together, which I'm guessing has to do with the financial side of things, as raising children isn't exactly cheap, but you do need to get out.

    I've been in abusive relationships, and it's never easy to leave and people will always say, why didn't you just go? There's always going to be excuses for staying: you can afford it with his help, there's someone there to watch the kids on occasion etc. But there is other help out there. Don't use that lease as an excuse.

    Contact a women's shelter in your area and go and meet with them. That doesn't mean you're 100% making a decision to leave, but it means you'll have all your options on the table. Laws differs from state to state, but in some places you can actually break a lease due to ANY form of abuse, and a shelter would help you do that, as well as potentially giving you a place to stay for up to a few months with your children while you sort out everything else, helping with any custody battles that may ensue, providing child care so you can continue working full time etc. It won't be easy, but it will be the most satisfying thing you ever do because it will be guaranteeing yourself and your children a better future.

    Because quite frankly, come May, I know what happens. You sign a lease together again. You won't want to; heck, I doubt you wanted to sign the current one just a few months ago, but you'll do it out of perceived necessity. What we're all trying to tell you is that the necessity you see isn't real, there are other options, and there are multiple venues that you can get help through. You do not have to feel trapped by your situation.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, with every aspect of your life; with getting away from that man if that's what you choose to do, with raising bright, unique, happy children, and with getting your health in order, physical, mental and every aspect.
  • Sarauk2sf
    Sarauk2sf Posts: 28,072 Member
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    http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

    I would call a helpline if I were you. The above includes one for the US, but if you are from another country - google 'domestic abuse hotline' to find one for your region

    .
  • autumnsquirrel
    autumnsquirrel Posts: 258 Member
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    I don't know why I even allowed this to hurt me. After all, I have lived with this man for 6 years. I know how much of a rude insensitive *kitten* he can be.

    Its bad enough that he wakes me up at 3am, knowing that is the first day of school and I have to wake up with the kids. So he sends me to Walmart for bread, tortillas and sprite (like he's a pregnant *****).

    So as I'm strolling through Walmart he sends me several texts of several other items to pick up. So being that I'm all over the store for him I decided to pick up a few things for the kids to eat in the mornings before school. Then I thought about how I am on vacation this week and I am sincerely trying to eat better. So I pick up a few things for myself: spring mix lettuce, cucumbers, celery, tomatoes, bell peppers, croutons and lite salad dressing.

    So I get home and when he sees all the groceries he goes off on me. He calls me hungry, says I'm always hungry. When I say I'm not even hungry right now, he looks me up and down in disgust and says "you don't have to say it, it shows for itself. He proceeds to call me selfish because " all of the food is for me, and not the kids" I'm thinking "wow. Wtf??!! All I got for myself is some *kitten* for a salad (and a 2liter sprite zero). He calls me hungry hippo, whale and several other kindergarten names. He continues talking shyt about how fat I am and how I only wasted my money when I bought my elliptical machine. Normally when he does thus to me it a trigger that sets off a binge cycle. This time I felt different. I don't even want to eat. I know that's crazy. I know he is just a ***** and the things he says aren't necessarily true. Its horrible because he knows what hurts me and he uses these things to hurt me. I know I will prove him wrong, and not for him, but because I have already made the decision to change and I'm not going to feel guilty for putting cheese on my salad like he wants me to.

    I know it doesn't really matter, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I want to cry but I can't. I feel, very discouraged right now. I want to slap myself for allowing his negative behavior to cause such an impact in the way I see myself, and treat myself. I just feel very alone. He us my only " friend" (some friend, huh?) So I really have no one but mfp to talk to. Thanks for reading.

    Good night
    Why are you still with this lump of nothing? If you stay with him, this is the treatment you will receive as long as you're together. Is that what you really want? You don' t need this in your life and I am pretty sure you know it. Take measures to get out or dump him and change the locks. He is verbally and mentally abusive. Sounds like you have not hit rock bottom enough to rid yourself of this mess. And that's what he sounds like, a mess. PS, unless he has the abs of Mark Wahlberg, he need not critique yours or anyone else's appearance for that matter.
  • StAnne03
    StAnne03 Posts: 1 Member
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    Not sure I should say anything because I've failed at my fitness goals several times and am starting over, BUT just don't listen to his garbage! He wants to discourage you. Prove him wrong by doing it for you and your children! I believe you can do it! That being said, I'm starting over ... encouraged! All the best to you.
  • blackcloud13
    blackcloud13 Posts: 654 Member
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    Why are you still with this guy? WHY??? I read your story - seems incredible. Is the lease the only reason?
  • idabentley
    idabentley Posts: 59 Member
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    From where I am standing this is domestic violence. Imagine a really good friend was in the place that you are right now, with this man, what would you advise her to do? Hopefully you've got your answer. As others have said you are worth more.
  • cheexy85
    cheexy85 Posts: 119
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    Get out!!! You can do so much better. There is no point living with someone who verbally abuses you and makes you feel worthless. You need to set a good example for your kids. This life is to be enjoyed with people you love and treasure you. Please get out ASAP. Don't listen to whatever he says. It won't get better. People hardly change.
  • CynthiasChoice
    CynthiasChoice Posts: 1,047 Member
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    Oh, my dear! I'm not sure now how I stumbled on to this thread, as it is old, but my heart went out to you. You are trying to make the best out of a very bad situation, but trying to just cope will not bring you the happiness and wholeness that you deserve.

    I know you feel stuck, and it's pretty likely that he knows that. A man who will say these kinds of things to you is a man who might become physically violent at some point, especially if he thinks you might leave him.

    Before doing anything else, I'd recommend making a "safety plan." It will help you feel so much more powerful and in control.

    1. Pack an overnight bag for you and the kids. If you can afford it, buy extra cosmetics, blow dryer, PJ's, cell phone charger, etc and pack them in the bag. Keep the bag in the car, or a friend's house, or some other safe place.

    2. If you don't want to call a shelter, pre-select a few nearby hotels/motels that you could go to, and keep the phone numbers in your bag.

    3. 1-800-799-7233 is the National Domestic Violence hotline. If you can't store the number in your phone, keep it in the overnight bag.

    Once you have prepared yourself for a hasty escape, I guarantee that you will feel better about yourself and your situation. It is a first step, and one that will give you a sense of power. You can then think more clearly about the if, when and how to separate from him. You may not feel ready to deal with this, but letting things stay the way they are is not an option, right?

    Someone recommended Patricia Evan's book to you, which is good, but reads like a text book. These books are easier:

    Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
    Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
    These authors both have other books that are well worth your time, too.
    Bancroft talks about HIS behaviors and attitudes and Cloud & Townsend focus on how you can learn to stand up for yourself.

    If you're a Christian woman, this blog might help: http://leslievernick.com/blog/

    After getting your safety plan in place, and educating yourself about the dynamics of abuse, the next order of business is to get in a support group, or begin sessions with a counselor or minister. Human contact and loving support is a MUST!! We are meant to be in relationship with others. Maybe your kid's dad has tried to isolate you from others? Please don't settle for a miserable life when you could have a magnificent one. It IS possible! Hugs.
  • archanajoyce
    archanajoyce Posts: 219 Member
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    You are being abused in your own home. Yes, read it again and again. Please try to stand up for yourself. Do not go to Walmart at 3 am, do not explain your food choices and DO NOT PUT UP WITH INSULTS. Imagine what the children are learning about body image and self-worth. It is shocking to see someone treat a ‘significant other’ like a servant from the dark ages. Learn to say NO. Our support and prayers are with you always.
  • MrsSullivan08
    MrsSullivan08 Posts: 274 Member
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    Don't let him get to you! My husband is sort of opposite in the fact that he claims I am not fat which I am in my opinion and says that me counting calories is stupid and I shouldn't be doing it. Well it helps me get comfortable with who I am amd gets me to where I want to be and how I want to look. I am doing it for myself. Not him!!! So keep that in mind that you are doing this for yourself!
  • KittieKatye
    KittieKatye Posts: 13 Member
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    Leave him. If he treats you that way, he will treat your kids that way. Don't go out at 3am for him, he can go. Don't take that.

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