Friends who tell you you don't need to lose weight
Jwildeboer
Posts: 85 Member
To start off, I'm not one of those people who are going around saying "I'm losing weight, etc etc look at me and give me attention"
I have, however, mentioned motivation to lose weight to closer friends. Mainly figuring they'd understand when I don't want to indulge in all the fried food, alcohol, etc quite as much as I did before and figure they would understand when I say hey, I'm just trying to get myself healthy. I'll still eat the stuff, too - just waaaay less of it and not as often. I'm still losing weight that way, and if that changes, I'll cut back more! I'm still living life, can't they just take it that I could be worse off cutting it out all together?
My friends all tell me I don't need to lose weight and I'm crazy for such things. I know they are being nice, but it's almost like negative motivation when I KNOW I NEED to lose weight. It would be cool if instead of "oh live a little and drink another beer" it would be "okay cool, drink to light beer or water, we won't give you crap"
They come out with all the typically things about how medical charts are wrong because "they don't take into consideration muscle mass or frame size" even though I've looked at charts that specifically take that into account when determining my goal weight.
Then they at times will talk about losing a few pounds themselves, when they only have 5 to lose. Thanks, it is okay for you to want to lose 5 lbs when you are in a healthy weight anyway, but when I need to lose 25 lbs just to poke out of the "overweight" BMI category, and 45 lbs to be of average, healthy, middle of the road weight for my height, then I'm the one who is crazy for wanting to lose that much?
I get part of it may be the fact that I've lost near 50 lbs since I was 18, so I do look waaaay better than I once looked. I also get part of it is that they are my friends and are just trying to make me feel better about my current self. It's really just giving the reverse effect, though.
Sorry for the bit of the rant, but it's almost demotivating hearing my friends say I look great and I don't need to lose weight, when I know when I go home and look in the mirror and scale, they are wrong.
I get I probably look at my flaws much more than they do, but how do you keep pushing on when that's the feedback you get?
I have, however, mentioned motivation to lose weight to closer friends. Mainly figuring they'd understand when I don't want to indulge in all the fried food, alcohol, etc quite as much as I did before and figure they would understand when I say hey, I'm just trying to get myself healthy. I'll still eat the stuff, too - just waaaay less of it and not as often. I'm still losing weight that way, and if that changes, I'll cut back more! I'm still living life, can't they just take it that I could be worse off cutting it out all together?
My friends all tell me I don't need to lose weight and I'm crazy for such things. I know they are being nice, but it's almost like negative motivation when I KNOW I NEED to lose weight. It would be cool if instead of "oh live a little and drink another beer" it would be "okay cool, drink to light beer or water, we won't give you crap"
They come out with all the typically things about how medical charts are wrong because "they don't take into consideration muscle mass or frame size" even though I've looked at charts that specifically take that into account when determining my goal weight.
Then they at times will talk about losing a few pounds themselves, when they only have 5 to lose. Thanks, it is okay for you to want to lose 5 lbs when you are in a healthy weight anyway, but when I need to lose 25 lbs just to poke out of the "overweight" BMI category, and 45 lbs to be of average, healthy, middle of the road weight for my height, then I'm the one who is crazy for wanting to lose that much?
I get part of it may be the fact that I've lost near 50 lbs since I was 18, so I do look waaaay better than I once looked. I also get part of it is that they are my friends and are just trying to make me feel better about my current self. It's really just giving the reverse effect, though.
Sorry for the bit of the rant, but it's almost demotivating hearing my friends say I look great and I don't need to lose weight, when I know when I go home and look in the mirror and scale, they are wrong.
I get I probably look at my flaws much more than they do, but how do you keep pushing on when that's the feedback you get?
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Replies
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It's not up to your friends. I say, don't discuss it with people-just DO it. It's no ones business but your own.0
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I know this.
My coworker who is also a very good friend was super supportive at the beginning and even helped me research etc. and giving me tips because she'd lost weight herself before.
But now after my first success of 20pounds and aiming for the next 20 lost, she suddenly did a turn around and is constantly going 'You don't need to lose anymore, you've already changed sooo much, you already look amazing' thanks I do but y'know I'm still 20 pounds away from a healthy weight anyway!
It's come so far that she will purposely prepare my favourite fatty foods in the kitchen we work at and eat for free to tempt me... -_-0 -
Normal and average are out of touch with healthy and have been for a while. What they're really saying is 'you do not need to lose weight to look normal' and they'd be right - most people in the US aren't at a healthy weight. You don't need anyone's approval to buck the group mentality though. One of the perks to already being down a good chunk of weight is that you can start using your size as a reason for what you're doing. That meal is too big for my stomach. I'm already blitzed. My legs get antsy and need to be tired out. Be weird
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I'd suggest being a bit sneaky from here on out. It's still summer so how about instead of going for a coffee or out for a meal you take them out to get Frozen Yoghurt. It's still amazingly tasty but very low in calories. Or instead of going out someplace fancy to eat invite them over to your place where you have control of the evening. Serve only low fat food (they probably won't even taste the difference) and while they all have wine you have sparkling water or juice. Maybe next time instead of going to watch a film you suggest going for a picnic in the park and then taking a walk with them. Again, you can be in control of what you eat in that situation and get some exercise in without it being a big deal and they'll be right there beside you.
Those are just a few suggestions but maybe if you don't bring up the diet in a while but slowly shift the dynamics of the group and how you spend time together then when you do bring it up you can point out 'Well yeah, that Froyo was amazing and fitted in perfectly with my diet!'. They can't protest to that because you ate what they ate, you spent time with them, in no way was your lifestyle forcing them to be uncomfortable etc0 -
I actually had people think I was sick and dying because I lost so much so quickly. (It didn't help that I was taking a lot of sick leave for a related, life altering, but hardly life threatening condition). This was a big reason people who were very supportive turned into semi-supportive friends.0
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It's not up to your friends. I say, don't discuss it with people-just DO it. It's no ones business but your own.
This. I often find that 'friends' who say that you shouldn't lose weight are the first to rib you for putting weight on!0 -
Oh, I'm so with you. I was never really big, but could see the weight going on slowly, and this time was determined to go back to a "pretty slim" weight, as i'm a cyclist and pushing fat up a hill on a bike isn't fun. People around me just didn't help.. I too kept it quiet until people noticed I gave up alcohol, and ate quite small portions, but everyone thinks they have an opinion of how much I should weigh.
Still, I carried on without them, I have now hit my target (just this morning!!), and my BMI is just under 22, and most importantly I think I'm the right size now, not anyone else :-)
Now to try to keep it off..... I've reset MFP for 2100 calories a day, and will use it to show me what the right amount of food looks like for a month, then will try to fly solo...
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Sounds like my family. I just carry on without telling them. When they ask I tell them I'm not losing. I'm just toning.
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It's not up to your friends. I say, don't discuss it with people-just DO it. It's no ones business but your own.
What she said.0 -
They're probably just trying to compliment you.
I used to say this to slimmer friends before I realised (from reading threads on here, actually) that it probably annoys the F out of them.0 -
Friends who tell me I don't need to lose weight...don't see me naked.
:laugh:0 -
I just keep in mind that the fact of being overweight and over bmi will lead me to an early death via stroke or heart attack. Most people cant judge what a healthy weight should look like because obesity and being overweight is on the rise. Those people also don't realize that just by losing ten lbs, it will greatly reduce your risks of developing diabetes or if you already have it: will be on the path of getting rid of it, reduce high blood pressure, and add years to your life. Not to mention the energy and confidence I have gained from losing. They aren't in your brain when you are standing in front of the mirror, on the scale or at your doctors so unless they are some type of health experts then don't listen to them. Just smile and nod and change the subject. Only talk about your weightloss endeavors with supportive people. It could be a bit of jealousy on their part as well. You never know how people think. Don't let others lead you off your path to success. Stay strong. Do this for your health and your peace of mind.0
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My husband is the one with the snarky comments. I just ignore him and eat healthy, he seems to have slowed down on the remarks ,things like, "Do you want to stop and get a bagel? Oh, that's right, you don't eat anymore." Or " So are you turning into an anorexic now?". "You're not fat." Funny thing is, he needs to lose about 50 or so pounds, I don't bug him about it. Hoping my good example will change his mind about his mindless eating habits. I feel great now, that's all that matters. Ignore 'em, I say and stay the course!:laugh:0
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I don't have any friends so it's not a problem ;-)0
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Still, I carried on without them, I have now hit my target (just this morning!!), and my BMI is just under 22, and most importantly I think I'm the right size now, not anyone else :-)
Congratulations!0 -
Friends who tell me I don't need to lose weight...don't see me naked.
:laugh:
This. x1000.
And we're not supposed to respond to someone saying they're on a weight loss plan with, "Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but you were getting pretty chubby there, tubby!" So it's the tried and true response to reassure each other that no, we don't need to lose weight, even when we do!0 -
I think you understand well why they do it, which is generous of you. They really need to shut their pie hole sometimes; making your weight loss a public topic is getting tiresome for you, and I don't blame you a bit. The only way to really deal with this is to ignore their remarks--thinking to yourself, "That's all well and good, but I'm still sticking to my goals!"--or simply say, "Thanks for your input" every time they start in. Unfortunately sometimes we don't get what we want from the people close to us. They have their own issues, like you said they mean well, they feel guilty about themselves as they watch you succeed….people just have their issues. Don't you give them too much weight, it's their issue, and you keep on keeping on!0
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Piss on them! You're doing a great job at losing and you just need to remember that you're doing this for yourself, this is an inside job.0
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To start off, I'm not one of those people who are going around saying "I'm losing weight, etc etc look at me and give me attention"
I have, however, mentioned motivation to lose weight to closer friends. Mainly figuring they'd understand when I don't want to indulge in all the fried food, alcohol, etc quite as much as I did before and figure they would understand when I say hey, I'm just trying to get myself healthy. I'll still eat the stuff, too - just waaaay less of it and not as often. I'm still losing weight that way, and if that changes, I'll cut back more! I'm still living life, can't they just take it that I could be worse off cutting it out all together?
My friends all tell me I don't need to lose weight and I'm crazy for such things. I know they are being nice, but it's almost like negative motivation when I KNOW I NEED to lose weight. It would be cool if instead of "oh live a little and drink another beer" it would be "okay cool, drink to light beer or water, we won't give you crap"
They come out with all the typically things about how medical charts are wrong because "they don't take into consideration muscle mass or frame size" even though I've looked at charts that specifically take that into account when determining my goal weight.
Then they at times will talk about losing a few pounds themselves, when they only have 5 to lose. Thanks, it is okay for you to want to lose 5 lbs when you are in a healthy weight anyway, but when I need to lose 25 lbs just to poke out of the "overweight" BMI category, and 45 lbs to be of average, healthy, middle of the road weight for my height, then I'm the one who is crazy for wanting to lose that much?
I get part of it may be the fact that I've lost near 50 lbs since I was 18, so I do look waaaay better than I once looked. I also get part of it is that they are my friends and are just trying to make me feel better about my current self. It's really just giving the reverse effect, though.
Sorry for the bit of the rant, but it's almost demotivating hearing my friends say I look great and I don't need to lose weight, when I know when I go home and look in the mirror and scale, they are wrong.
I get I probably look at my flaws much more than they do, but how do you keep pushing on when that's the feedback you get?
It makes them feel better if they aren't eating the fried food and drinking beer by themselves.0 -
when I discuss my plans to lose weight with my friends and even my boyfriend all I hear is youre not fat you don't need to lose weight. for a long time I believed them. why would they lie to me? but people will tell you what you want to hear to spare your feelings. ive only been doing this for about 2 weeks and has lost almost 2 pounds. no one notices yet but when they do I bet they will see the difference. don't let others stop you from doing whats best for you.0
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It makes them feel better if they aren't eating the fried food and drinking beer by themselves.
This. I never told anyone I was focusing on getting healthy (just one part of which is losing the lard), but it's amazing (a) how people notice - when honestly I only notice the number on the scales and the change in clothes size, (b) how people automatically assume you actually want their "input" and (c) how they assume I don't eat anything or spend 20 hours a day working out, and feel they are entitled to accompany this with sometimes snarky comments (which I ignore).
I've never commented on anyone else's appearance. It's just not something I've ever done. I wish others would have the courtesy to do the same with me, but then, I can't change the world, just myself.0 -
I have only just edged into a healthy BMI and I get this a lot.
As others have touched upon: 1) they don't see me naked; 2) they have a distorted idea of what a healthy weight is these days; 3) there may well be some jealousy there, if not about actual weight, then about them wanting to eat healthier but not managing to i.e. you being so committed may be making them feel inferior. This could be subconscious rather than outright malice.
And I'm going to add 4) they are used to you being a certain size and people are generally not very good at 'change'. I always think if I were introduced to these people for the first time at the size I am now, would they think to themselves 'well, she looks unhealthily thin'? No, they wouldn't, far from it.
Keep doing your thing.0 -
I get this a lot, I lost 130 pounds in a little over a year. I have gained about 20 back a year ago and decided I wanted to re-lose it. The people that were my best cheerleaders no say, "I can't tell you have gained it back, I wouldn't worry about it, you look great" They don't mean any harm, but it drives me crazy. I am like you in that I still go out, have fun, enjoy a few beers and the occasional fried food or pizza fest. They honestly don't give me trouble about that and tell me to enjoy more, so really it is more my problem, so I ignore it and know I am doing it for myself, but it just gets to you sometimes. All I can say, is keep working at it and do it for yourself0
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Some people really hate it when their friends do something to get healthier and fitter and the biggest reason is because you end up looking and feeling better than they do and that ticks them off; that's why they prefer you to stay the way you are [it's their way of feeling good about themselves]. Do it for yourself regardless of how your friends react. It's your health you're looking after, not theirs. Good for you on doing the right thing for yourself!0
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I had this when I'd lost about 35 pounds. I was still overweight (I had a BMI of 27, there or thereabouts), and I think it was down to two things. The first, the people who were saying this had only ever known me as obese, and the second, people will just compare what you look like to the norm, whether that is healthy or not.
Just push on through. I did, and now all I get mostly positive comments from family and friends. I get the odd "You're really skinny now/Are you ill/Don't become anorexic" comment from distant relatives, but if you carry on with your journey, you should start to see a decease in these comments. i hope so anyway!0 -
I find this happening to me sometimes and my favorite strategy for re-directing the conversation is to change the way I represent my goals to my friends and loved ones.
It's hard not to share my habit changes with them as it is pretty noticeable in social settings that I am eating different, drinking less, making workouts a priority, etc. but instead of telling them "I'm trying to lose weight" (which is undoubtedly met with "You don't need to lose weight!") I make my goal more specific, "I am training for a 10K, doing the 30 day shred, want to see my abs for the first time," etc. and then they seem to be more understanding that I need to fuel myself a certain way in order to meet my goals. They usually seem more receptive to a concrete goal than just a generic "I'm trying to lose weight."
Good luck to you! xx0 -
I just looked up some stats--about 1/3 of Americans are obese, and about 2/3 are either overweight or obese.
So "normal" these days is overweight.
Your friends probably just have the wrong idea about what healthy weight looks like.
When in doubt, go by the numbers. BMI & fat %.0 -
I also get that time to time, my co-workers were telling me that I am "disappearing". I just told them I haven't have my breakfast yet... The other lady one day said to me, OMG, you are loosing so much weight, you make me look like a fat person! I smiled at her and said, oh you are not but I was really thinking " then get your *kitten* to the gym!"
I am sure some people were just amazed and meant to compliment you, but I also think when you are loosing weight or being healthy, you reminded them that they are "not" ( rather eating healthy or excise ) so they say those things to make themselves feel better....
Just keep going, ignore those people, give them a nice friendly smile and don't be bothered.0 -
I find this happening to me sometimes and my favorite strategy for re-directing the conversation is to change the way I represent my goals to my friends and loved ones.
It's hard not to share my habit changes with them as it is pretty noticeable in social settings that I am eating different, drinking less, making workouts a priority, etc. but instead of telling them "I'm trying to lose weight" (which is undoubtedly met with "You don't need to lose weight!") I make my goal more specific, "I am training for a 10K, doing the 30 day shred, want to see my abs for the first time," etc. and then they seem to be more understanding that I need to fuel myself a certain way in order to meet my goals. They usually seem more receptive to a concrete goal than just a generic "I'm trying to lose weight."
Good luck to you! xx
That is a better way to go about it and I usually am training or working towards a fitness goal of some sort. The only time I really need to explain to anyone though is when I skip a happy hour to go work out.0 -
Friends who tell me I don't need to lose weight...don't see me naked.
:laugh:
So totally this!
My MIL visited this last weekend, and informed me that I needed to stop losing weight. Which I initially took for a compliment until my hubby told me that she had gone to him and told him he needed to make me stop losing. Makes me crazy. No one cares if you're over weight, but get to a healthy place and suddenly people worry that you're becoming anorexic. Grrrr. Makes me want to do 2 things - lose an extra 5 pounds to spite here, and strip off my clothes and ask her if she still thinks I'm too thin. LOL!0
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