need help with my wife

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Replies

  • NoxDineen
    NoxDineen Posts: 497 Member
    ! She sounds either seriously spoiled or seriously disturbed. You have little children? Are they OK? What exactly is she feeding them? Please ask her. Her whole story about how some guy said she was too heavy so now she starves herself? That kind of nonsense typically goes out the window after you have children. She needs to start cooking the chicken pal.

    Actually it sounds a lot more like an eating disorder and some degree of clinical depression.
  • Bounce2
    Bounce2 Posts: 138 Member
    As someone who has lived and breathed the same work industry as your wife I can fully understand this behavior. I was never a jockey but def. had weight restrictions imposed on me for my job to ride track work and jumpouts. I also dated a tall jockey and let me tell you its a hard life mentally and physically trying to live within those restrictions.

    At certain times in my life I have known more people with eating disorders than not and have had my own struggles with weight and body image issues. I see that your wife weighs 80lb's; which depending on her height may or may not be a health concern. Regardless I have NO doubt that she would benefit from seeing a counselor as the lifestyle that her work forced her to live is one that can have lifelong effects on not only her mental health but also her physical health. Feel free to send me a PM if you want to ask me some questions. Goodluck.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Jockeys have to br small and they go through extraordinary means to keep their weight down. She might have developed habits that she can undo.
    People are capable of learning new habits.
  • MoosyGoosy
    MoosyGoosy Posts: 44
    So what do your kids eat when yourer not there to cook..doesn't she prepare meals for them? Surely she must, then she could eat the same?!

    Doesn't make sense.

    If she has an eating disorder then chances are she feeds the kids but just doesn't eat the food herself.

    That's what I did when I watched my little brother when I used to have an eating disorder. I wasn't lazy or neglectful or spoiled. I ALWAYS made sure he was fed, well taken care of, did his homework and got to school on time.

    It's unfair for people to assume that she doesn't take care of her kids just because she doesn't eat

    Agreed. Many anorexics have been known to cook and care for others and refuse to eat themselves.

    This- that's exactly what I did in hardcore restriction phases of my disorder.

    I really don't like seeing all the assumptions here that just because she has problems, she can't look after her children. It's really disempowering to people with eating disorders and other mental and physical health issues, because we are able to look after the people in our lives. Mental illness does not define people.

    It also upsets me a bit to see people saying that she's lazy or implying that she's selfish because she doesn't cook- she may be depressed or have anxiety that renders her literally unable to cook or do things.

    Of course, I may be wrong, I don't know her- I think you should encourage her to see her doctor about this though, for her sake and health. Some therapy might be a good option :)

    I just don't like people making assumptions. Sorry for the rant!
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Feed her MREs without telling her.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    Hmm...

    As far as food going bad, when you buy chicken and other meat, freeze it immediately. Next, when you do have time to cook, try cooking in big batches so that she can just microwave the food (again, freeze individual portions and just take one out of the freezer for her every day to thaw). A slow cooker might also be a good investment since you wouldn't have to be there to cook it. You just have to start it.

    As for shakes, I'd definitely talk to a doctor. My family used to give my grandpa Ensure when he was underweight and he would have one a day.

    Try to keep high calorie, easy to grab items in the house like avocados, peanut butter, bread, high protein and fat cereals and whole milk, etc.

    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
  • muggzie399
    muggzie399 Posts: 116 Member
    When my 3 kids were small and I was a stay at home mom, I cooked every night. I ate when I had a chance to grab something. I was very thin. Most of the time, I would eat and it would pass right through. Could not eat out or eat at events.

    It turned out, I had IBS. Maybe she has a reason she doesn't want to eat. If you can't get her to talk to you, try getting her a doctor or counselor. They work wonders.
  • lporter229
    lporter229 Posts: 4,907 Member
    I have Crohn's disease and when I am struggling to get nutrition my doctor has recommended Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. I make them into shakes with milk and fruit or peanut butter, but they also come as pre-made shakes if she can't be bothered to mix it up. Compared to other meal replacement shakes, they are relatively inexpensive.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    I have Crohn's disease and when I am struggling to get nutrition my doctor has recommended Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. I make them into shakes with milk and fruit or peanut butter, but they also come as pre-made shakes if she can't be bothered to mix it up. Compared to other meal replacement shakes, they are relatively inexpensive.

    Oh I used these when I was younger for a breakfast replacement.
  • missycj87
    missycj87 Posts: 24 Member
    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
    [/quote]


    she is his WIFE. what do you mean he shouldn't have to look after her like that? she is experiencing difficult times and the worst thing he can do to her is not be supportive. i believe marriage vows goes something like "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part". i agree that she should start taking responsibility for herself, but we have no idea where she is mentally or emotionally at this time. it is not always that simple. like everyone else have said, he should seek counseling for him and his wife and take all the avenues they need to so she can get better. furthermore, even if his wife sends him pictures of what she is "supposed" to be eating, that wont stop her from flushing it down the toilet. he is not her drill sergeant and i dont think it would fly over well if he starts trying to control her. eating disorder's are largely about having control, and if she does in fact have an ED she will fight him tooth and nail. he is her husband. not her father.
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member

    Have you talked to her about this? I mean, really talked? Is she tired, is she stressed? What is behind the not eating? If you're in the Navy, you have health care resources that you can take advantage of if needed.

    I totally agree with this point! About a month ago, I went through a separation and even though I was the one who "tore off the band aid" so to speak, it devastated me. After that I would go until 5 or 6 at night without eating, and not even realizing I wasn't eating because of the other things going on around me. I would also binge and then not eat for a day; this went on for a good 3 weeks, so not the same as your wife but just an example. Granted the break up became ugly and really brutal, and obviously your wife is not going through a break up, but the point is that something mental/psychological - anything, literally - could be causing this. Being healthy is usually just as much mental as it is physical. Maybe there is something goin on that she can't talk to you about, or feels like she can't.

    That being said, she is an adult and she needs to realize that what she's doing is not only self-destructive it's causing problems with those closest to her. For example, if your children see their mom doesn't eat and she is staying thin (which, as we all know is the thing to be, as media tells us) it can cause your children to have an unhealthy relationship with food later on in life.

    Definitely would recommend some counselling or seeking help from a doctor/nutrition specialist. Good Luck!
  • acorsaut89
    acorsaut89 Posts: 1,147 Member

    she currently weighs about 80ibs

    she went to a doctor for another issue and it was observed she was very under weight she needs to put on 20-30ibs to be a healthy weight

    She only needs to put on 20 - 30 lbs to be healthy? Is she 5'0?

    I'm 5'9 so maybe a little taller than the average woman but my healthy weight would be about 160lbs. I know it's not going to be easy, and maybe 20 - 30 lbs to begin with but I would say a little more than 30lbs. I know it's not all about weight, but sometimes it is.
  • doctorregenerated
    doctorregenerated Posts: 188 Member
    I wish I could introduce her to my mom.
    My mom will never admit that she's had an eating disorder her whole life. She was always proud that she was skinny, that she didn't need to eat regular meals. As the years went by, she started to eliminate entire normal foods because of one reason or another. Beef will give her high cholesterol. Pasta will give her heartburn. Chicken could give her salmanella. Even things like vegetables will give her gas Little by little she withered away.
    She is now 62 years old and crippled with what the doctors will only call IBS constipation version. Every morning she is in severe pain. She needs pain pills to get through the day. The rest of her life where she is supposed to be enjoying it is pretty much ruined. She doesn't believe she will ever be pain free again. Once or twice a week she begs my poor father who has to deal with this to take her to the hospital. At this point, no doctor will even work with her because they all say there is nothing they can do.
    They believe it was caused from YEARS of eating too little. Her intenstines have atrophied from under use. The solution would be to gain weight, but at an older age plus with a system that doesn't process food correctly anymore, that's pretty much impossible.
    She's miserable and will likely be for the rest of her years at a young 62.
    She tells me all of the time she wishes she could talk to the younger her and tell her to eat more. So since she can't, read this to your wife so she can see where her future self will be heading if she doesn't begin to take nutrition seriously.
  • CarmenSRT
    CarmenSRT Posts: 843 Member
    OP, you haven't mentioned what base you're on, so I cannot be sure if your commissary is good or crud. If it's a good one, check for nutrition shakes like Ensure near the meds. I know you can't refer your wife for mental health care, but continue to encourage her (don't nag, don't threaten, none of those will work) to seek out help. Perhaps compile a list of resources with numbers and stick it on the side of the fridge. That way, if/when she is ready to look for outside help she won't have to do all the legwork. Good luck and hang in there.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
    she is his WIFE. what do you mean he shouldn't have to look after her like that? she is experiencing difficult times and the worst thing he can do to her is not be supportive.

    Um.. yes.. I said he should help her. But she also needs to help herself or the problem will not be resolved. It's the very same thing as weight loss. Until a person wants to do it for themselves, it's extremely difficult to do anything for them. So yes she ALSO has to take responsibility. That doesn't mean he can't help her when she's ready. And why does she have to take responsibility? Because she's an adult. If she were a child, sure he could force her to do what he wants. But that's not the case. When I said he shouldn't have to "look after her like that" I meant he shouldn't be treating her like a child because she isn't one. Not that he doesn't have a responsibility to be supportive as her husband. Obviously the photo thing was just an idea that WOULD require both people to be actively participating in the effort to get her healthy. I never said it was a good idea! Just that it was one. A professional is obviously who they need to talk to.

    If it were me having the issue, a month of my husband making me do this might really ring home with me and make me realize how much help I need.
  • CarmenSRT
    CarmenSRT Posts: 843 Member
    Point of order: If my husband of 27 years ever tried to tell me I needed to take pictures of what I was eating and send it to him, or in any other way tried to dictate or overtly monitor what I ate there would be serious trouble. That's not a relationship of equals.
  • missycj87
    missycj87 Posts: 24 Member
    She also needs to start taking responsibility for herself since she's a grown woman. If this means you have to take her in to see a professional about her eating disorder, then that's what it means. Tell her how much it scares you that she may not be around in a few years because of her behaviour. Maybe she needs to start sending you e-mails or text messages showing her eating a plate of food three to four times a day. You shouldn't have to look after her like that, but for now, to help her, it might be necessary. Tell her you're going to keep an eye on her food and the garbage can.

    Best of luck.
    she is his WIFE. what do you mean he shouldn't have to look after her like that? she is experiencing difficult times and the worst thing he can do to her is not be supportive.

    Um.. yes.. I said he should help her. But she also needs to help herself or the problem will not be resolved. It's the very same thing as weight loss. Until a person wants to do it for themselves, it's extremely difficult to do anything for them. So yes she ALSO has to take responsibility. That doesn't mean he can't help her when she's ready. And why does she have to take responsibility? Because she's an adult. If she were a child, sure he could force her to do what he wants. But that's not the case. When I said he shouldn't have to "look after her like that" I meant he shouldn't be treating her like a child because she isn't one. Not that he doesn't have a responsibility to be supportive as her husband. Obviously the photo thing was just an idea that WOULD require both people to be actively participating in the effort to get her healthy. I never said it was a good idea! Just that it was one. A professional is obviously who they need to talk to.

    If it were me having the issue, a month of my husband making me do this might really ring home with me and make me realize how much help I need.


    i see what you mean. you have some good points but there are so many women who suffer ED and never seem to realize that they have a problem. im not sure if it is denial or if they really believe that it is ok not to eat
  • Bella0531
    Bella0531 Posts: 309 Member
    I have Crohn's disease and when I am struggling to get nutrition my doctor has recommended Carnation Instant Breakfast packets. I make them into shakes with milk and fruit or peanut butter, but they also come as pre-made shakes if she can't be bothered to mix it up. Compared to other meal replacement shakes, they are relatively inexpensive.

    I was going to suggest Carnation or Ensure drinks. They are usually cheaper than the GNC stuff, and are super-simple.
  • b7bbs
    b7bbs Posts: 158 Member
    Try meal prepping. On the weekend, prep some meals for the remainder of the week. It will be easier since everything is already cooked and portioned out into containers.

    Maybe take a cooking class together. It may create a spark of enjoyment, and it could be a nice way to bond and just have some fun together.
  • btsinmd
    btsinmd Posts: 921 Member
    I had a roommate in college that was this way. She wasn't hungry a good portion of the time, but was on the track team, and generally more active than most people. Her mother actually paid one of her sisters during one summer to make sure that she had a nutritious lunch each day between her two jobs. What worked for her during college itself was to have a jar filled with granola, nuts, dried fruit, etc that she could grab a handful of whenever she went by it.

    It also helped that once during a date she actually fainted in a guy's arms. Romantic in fiction, but really embarrassing, and scary for him, in real life. After that she made sure to eat her granola mixture even when she didn't feel like it.
  • PhyllisUnterschuetz
    PhyllisUnterschuetz Posts: 1
    the fact that you think she's lazy and would actually write that on a semi-public forum is disturbing. I guarantee she knows that you think that about her and so you can't expect her to trust you. Just my humble opinion.

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