Marriage issues
secretcindy
Posts: 4
I've been married for just under 15 years. Married since I was a teenager. The thing is, I'm realizing how unimportant I've been for so many years. Especially the last few months. He needs me when he wants to vent about work and that's IT. There is nothing else to our marriage. I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never. The last few months I've had it though. I will talk to him, look him in the eye and his eyes are following some other girl. He doesn't sleep with me, has very little personal hygiene unless I remind him. The thing is, he's known as this incredibly dependent, hard working, amazing guy at work. Everywhere at his job! All of that is laughable at home. He needs his hand held to do anything here. He's seriously almost messed us up financially quite a few times. Things that could get him in huge trouble at work, they are all just clueless of who he really is. Who I deal with when he comes home.
It suddenly hit me recently, I've seriously wasted almost half my life with this man. It's got me into this depression and instead of working on myself, I can't snap out of wanting to just sit here and get sad and angry all at the same time. It's a very recent thing, all these emotions. Of course I've been angry at him before but not like this. This is way different. The knowledge of knowing its over? I don't know. Someone out there must know what I'm talking about. I get that my happiness shouldn't depend on another person. Its in my head all the time. I really do get everything logical that I should be doing. Its just....not happening.
I was doing really well. Following the NROL4W but now I haven't lifted in a while and the motivation to do so just flew out of me one day. Don't know when. I'm not very overweight, really. Just need to lose 40-50 lbs to weigh what I did as a teen. I'm in my very early 30s so not too much damage.
Has anyone been where I'm at and kept up the weight loss? Anyone to share my woes and then encourage a little bit? I'm normally an incredibly strong woman who can deal with almost anything but this feels like a kick in the gut every waking moment.
It suddenly hit me recently, I've seriously wasted almost half my life with this man. It's got me into this depression and instead of working on myself, I can't snap out of wanting to just sit here and get sad and angry all at the same time. It's a very recent thing, all these emotions. Of course I've been angry at him before but not like this. This is way different. The knowledge of knowing its over? I don't know. Someone out there must know what I'm talking about. I get that my happiness shouldn't depend on another person. Its in my head all the time. I really do get everything logical that I should be doing. Its just....not happening.
I was doing really well. Following the NROL4W but now I haven't lifted in a while and the motivation to do so just flew out of me one day. Don't know when. I'm not very overweight, really. Just need to lose 40-50 lbs to weigh what I did as a teen. I'm in my very early 30s so not too much damage.
Has anyone been where I'm at and kept up the weight loss? Anyone to share my woes and then encourage a little bit? I'm normally an incredibly strong woman who can deal with almost anything but this feels like a kick in the gut every waking moment.
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Replies
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I can not give advise about your specific situation as I have not been there, but I am here for you in any way. Please feel free to talk when ever you need.0
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I would definently suggest therapy first and foremost for yourself. And or CODA which is Co-dependants Anonymous which is the non-alcoholic version of Alanon or even try alanon. You need the tools to work on yourself. And for you to say he does not need you is untrue try to read some of Marianne Beattie a book called Codependant No More. It will help you more than you know. The end result could very well mean a end to your marriage but then if he sees a differance in you he may change also. Good luck and you do not have to go thru this alone.0
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Has anyone been where I'm at and kept up the weight loss? Anyone to share my woes and then encourage a little bit? I'm normally an incredibly strong woman who can deal with almost anything but this feels like a kick in the gut every waking moment.
:flowerforyou:
I knew someone like that once.
I think he thought that being a good provider was where his job as a husband started & ended.
In the end, you have to do what's best for you. Things will naturally take their course, but in the meantime, all you can do is work on you. Think everything through before you burn any bridges. He will either come around, or not.
Either way, you have a right to be happy. Focus on the positive aspects & as you progress, things will become clearer to you.:drinker:0 -
Let me encourage you. There is hope.
First, there is hope for your own personal happiness.
Second, there is hope for your marriage.
Let me address each one separately.
You CAN be happy, right now. But how? How can you be happy when your husband isn't making you happy? By not placing your self worth in the hands of a person who is self absorbed, jerk, i.e. ANY MAN. No matter who you are married to, in 15 years you would face a lot of disappointment from that person, because we ALL stumble in many ways. All people, including you.
You just have to take your mind OFF prince not-charming, and stop playing Cinderella. Stop waiting for him to sweep you off tour feet, and put your mind on God, who can make the most miserable person happy (think of the AA folks). Fix yourself up. Look good, for YOU. Get new clothes, take a class. Reacquaint yourself with the person you really are when you weren't wrapped up in your fairy tale narrative. But, what does that have to do with your marriage that is making you miserable? Nothing. It is dealing with the you being miserable part. You be happy. When you are tempted to brood on your misery, change your thoughts - read a good book.
Read this book, "How to Be Happy No Matter What."
Now, about your marriage:
You have been married a long time, and yet only in your thirties. That means you married reasonably young. The both of you may have the case of the what ifs. The key is to move slow, expect nothing to change, be happy, be nice, and touch him. Touch him on the shoulder as you walk by him when he's watching tv. Expect nothing. Men go through a lot of changes in their thirties. The no sex can be from all kinds of things. The thing to understand is that if he's very angry under the surface, his desire would be low. So disarm him. Be nice. Be respectful. Be thoughtful. You be a great wife because you are a great woman.
Google Mort Fertel. Do what he says in his free emails.
Then, finally, give it time. Then give your time some time.
Look up "How to appreciate an imperfect spouse." by Gary Thomas.
You can do this, best wishes to you!0 -
And how could I forget! The REAL secret to happiness?
Count your blessings every day. Keep a journal, and every day, write about things you are grateful for.
Some examples:
The sun shining on your face through the play of leaves.
The smell of baked goods coming out of your oven.
The way bubbles feel on your skin as you squeeze your loofa.
Food.
Shelter.
Water.
Clothes.
The power of an education. ( you can read)
And on, and on, and on.
I'm happy just thinking of it. Come, taste, and see that God is good. Mmmmmmmm!0 -
Also when my wife and I were having issues, My focus on myself excercise was my escape it was something I did soley for myself and still is. Wife and I are still together we both made changes and honestly probably happier than weve ever been. But it takes a willingness on both parties to make things work. Again you will have to change also becouse you have been here for 15 years your have some baggage of your own you need to clean up. wheather you know it or not.0
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I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never.
I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority. You should probably get a consult with a divorce lawyer... not necessarily to get a divorce (that's big decision), but just to know how to start protecting yourself.... because if you think you are not a priority now, just wait and see what happens when he thinks you want his money...
Don't let this keep you from living your life (whether you stay or not)... use it as motivation to be the best you can be. His biggest risk is that if he continues to take you for granted, he is setting you up to be swept away by someone who won't.0 -
Don't let him take more of your life. If he won't make you a priority... make it yours. Go to counseling with him. If he won't accept, go see a divorce lawyer. You're still young.0
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I've never been a priority ever in his life, not in front of his family or work, never.
I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority. You should probably get a consult with a divorce lawyer... not necessarily to get a divorce (that's big decision), but just to know how to start protecting yourself.... because if you think you are not a priority now, just wait and see what happens when he thinks you want his money...
Don't let this keep you from living your life (whether you stay or not)... use it as motivation to be the best you can be. His biggest risk is that if he continues to take you for granted, he is setting you up to be swept away by someone who won't.
Unfortunately this guy is right especially if you are a stay at home mother. Men like this will see their income as theirs alone and see your contribution to the family as worthless.
I also agree with the person above. Go get a new "hairdo", buy someone new clothes, but most of all don't give up on yourself because of him. You are worth the time! Much more than the time his negativity calls you to be upset. You have to change your mindset to a positive one despite him.0 -
I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.
I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?
Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....
Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.0 -
Not sure what family day it would be but personally, he's not at work if he's supposed to have off. Just saying.
On another note - you have to do right by YOU. Do you want it to work? If you do, talk to him about how you feel, about what he can do to make it better, and about if there's anything you can do for him. Talk to him in terms of feelings, not judgent and blame - no matter if he talks to you like that. If you don't want to see a counselor, then you're on your own. If he wants to work on it, then give it time and make an effort - go out on dates, talk when he's home from work, be intimate. If after a few months things aren't improving, then it's time to let go. If he's not willing, then you have to assess if it's worth your time to be with someone who doesn't make you feel wanted. It's easier said than done - it took 4 months of marriage counseling and my husband telling me I was a ***** and he was finally thinking about actually trying but changed his mind after I told him I didn't feel like he was making an effort not to blame everything on me, and then proceeded to tell me how I screwed up and everything was my fault. It was the fact that we had been supposed to be working on things for months and him telling me he was *considering* ACTUALLY trying, and then still blaming the failure on me, that made me realize I deserved much better.0 -
So sorry you're hurting. Unfortunately, I was dumb enough to marry mine twice and was never his priority either time. I'm going to go with the divorce lawyer on this one. Protect yourself, it will ALL come down to money. I was very fortunate to be self supporting and able to protect my home and children when he showed just how unimportant the family he helped create really was. Most women in my position wouldn't have been able to do so, so it doesn't hurt to take pro cautions.
Wishing you the best!0 -
I have my issues that someone else doesn't see as a problem while someone else might. Everyone does. But not once in our marriage, when I flat out ask him what I could be doing better that will make me worth it in his eyes, has he ever told me that I'm doing something wrong. Not once. Obviously there is something there, there HAS to be. It's really hard trying to figure out your biggest issues all by yourself. Therapy is not for me though. I'm a very private person, I don't tell anyone we know our issues. I never talk about him behind his back like this. I'm loyal to a fault (until now obviously, which I still feel very guilty writing about this) although I have felt my loyalty receding in recent months.
I told him that I get why people cheat. Not that I'm going to but I told him how low I was feeling about a month or so ago. That a lot of people don't feel like breaking up their families but they need someone, anyone, to put a smile back on their face. He told me to step out if I need to before I could finish. That's not what I was saying at all. But so quick to tell me that? Do I hold no value?
Found out today that today is a family day, meaning they have the day off, (he's military) from someone. He's not here, he's at work.....
Thanks everyone. I'll keep trying to figure things out.
If therapy is not for you than I am sorry for you, a sick mind cannot fix a sick mind. And yes you are also sick you have been in this unhealthy very co-dependant relationship for 15 years and wheather you know it or not YOU have allowed it to become where its at. I am not blaming you for his behavior but at the same time you have allowed him to continue his behavior towards you. And only you can change you0 -
He is at work, called his desk phone. Just to make that clear.0
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So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.
Uhh... if you like your friends and all that random stuff more than your husband... you probably picked the wrong husband.0 -
After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.
Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...0 -
Never give up, marriage is hard, and everyone goes through struggles. Make it better, find the joy again, and really there is only one person who can fulfill you and understand you and can transform hearts, yours and his. Seek God, you will find joy there. I promise, it's no fail advice. Be blessed and hope you see a better day soon.0
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After 15 years together, what relationship is not going to be co-dependent on each other? People who are married for almost their entire lifetimes can die within hours of each other.
Is it weird for couples to dependent on their spouse in marriage? And my mind is sick? Well yes, I do have a bit of depression right now but is my mind sick because I don't feel like therapy? I guess you would think so. It does kinda seem like your trying to insult me more than help me though. Maybe I'm just sensitive...
I have been in your shoes I see myself. There is help I am being truthful. There is healthy co-dependant and unhealthy codepent at the very least read co-dependant no more. I am not trying to insult you nor offend and if your not willing to do anything different than nothing will be different. best of luck to you.0 -
In my experience, if both parties in a couple are willing to work on problems, the relationship has a chance. Have you talked to him about this? Sit him down and tell him how you feel. Don't put any blame on him, he is not a mind reader and might not have any idea how you are feeling. Tell him you feel like you are not his priority, and see what he has to say. If he's willing to work on the problems, decide on a next step. That may be counseling. If he dismisses your feelings or isn't willing to work on it, there isn't much of a chance of working it out. At that point the next step might be divorce.
I've noticed a lot of people just ignore how they are feeling, figure it will work itself out or just go away, and they let things build until they are at a breaking point. Then they either give up and walk away or it blows up into a huge fight.
You have a right to feel however you feel, and discussing those feelings and finding ways to fix the problems is perfectly okay.0 -
You CAN be happy, right now. But how? How can you be happy when your husband isn't making you happy? By not placing your self worth in the hands of a person who is self absorbed, jerk, i.e. ANY MAN.
Thats a bit harsh!! Not all men are self absorbed jerks.
Anyway... since the one is question is...
If you beleive that the marriage is over. Then end it. Staying in an unhappy, miserable marriage will not do you or your husband any good.
Go out into the world and so whatever is going to make you happy because 15 years of misery is long enough.
Work on yourself and become the person you want to be.
One day you will meet a great man who dotes on you and adores you.0 -
From what you stated in the OP it also seems that because you were married so young, he still wanted or needed or expected a "mom" of some sort, too. Sometimes they can't see that the role of a wife is completely different than the role of "mom" even if you ARE a mom and have kids. I work on this with my sons. When they have a girlfriend, great (they've each already had a few long-term relationships), but do NOT expect her to be your mom, i.e. picking up after you, cleaning, feeding you, etc. If you are adult enough to be living on your own and in an adult relationship, act like one! Defining your role with you husband is very important.0
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I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority.
So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.
My husband is absolutely at the top of my list alongside my kids. If I absolutely had to put one above the other, I would pick my husband because I know that my husband will always protect my kids with his own life if need be.
Honestly.0 -
The key to a successful marriage is for both partners to make each other their TOP priority (over the children, job, whatever)..... if you dont have that as the basis for the marriage then none of the other things in the marriage can be successful. I met my wife when we were teenagers, been together for 22 years/married for 17 and that is what has kept us together all these years through every hardship imaginable....we always put each other first above all and work together on all of life's challenges. When she isn't happy then I am not happy and vice versa......if you don't have that you will never be truly blissful in your marriage. I can't give you advice but I can tell you that you are worth it and if you believe that you are worth it, you have to make it happen at whatever cost. Life is too short. Good luck to you.0
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"Make yourself happy" and allow time for him to notice the new you. Once he see's your happy in yourself again, he will most likely come around. Happiness, laughter, and fitness are VERY powerful motivators. You owe it to yourself to give it a solid shot before calling it quits. Good luck and hope all works out one way or the other.
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I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority.
So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.
God, do you sound bitter. I feel very sorry for you.
MY top prioity is my husband of 43 years. Nothing else is as important to me. He is my best friend, my favorite companion, always emotionally supportive, will drop anything at any time to make time for me. He reminds me every day that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. So yes, there are women like that, for whom the primary bond is the mate. I don't have kids, I don't have religion, and I love my friends dearly but my Bear comes first, always. He amazes me, entertains me, helps me, and makes me feel loved every single day. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did.0 -
So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.
In my experience, I would say they actually do. I believe that women intuitively understand relationships and priorities more than men. They can also sense rather quickly when they slip on their husband's priority list. And this not saying men are necessarily bad or mean... we get careless and take our wives for granted. Women, however, do in fact tend to make their husbands their top earthly priority...even over kids, friends, etc.
I also think all marriages can be restored if both sides truly want to work on it... except in cases of infidelity and physical abuse. In those cases, get out...get out quick and never look back...0 -
Never give up, marriage is hard, and everyone goes through struggles. Make it better, find the joy again, and really there is only one person who can fulfill you and understand you and can transform hearts, yours and his. Seek God, you will find joy there. I promise, it's no fail advice. Be blessed and hope you see a better day soon.
[/quote
You have to help yourself. A mythical, invented "deity" will NOT help. YOU are your savior from whatever your problems are.]0 -
I have been a divorce lawyer for 31 years, and I can tell you that this right here is perhaps the biggest reason for failed relationships... husbands who fail to make their wives their top priority.
So can most women honestly say their husbands are their top priority? I'm betting most are going to go with their kids. Maybe God if they're religious, followed by kids. Family in general usually gets listed after that but that means everyone. Mom, cousins, uncles, crazy grandpa Joe. Next is probably her BFFs. Then her other friends. You know, the chicks she hangs out with but really hates secretly. Then shopping. Spa days. Husband, hmm, he's probably somewhere in there around number 35 on the list.
God, do you sound bitter. I feel very sorry for you.
MY top prioity is my husband of 43 years. Nothing else is as important to me. He is my best friend, my favorite companion, always emotionally supportive, will drop anything at any time to make time for me. He reminds me every day that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. So yes, there are women like that, for whom the primary bond is the mate. I don't have kids, I don't have religion, and I love my friends dearly but my Bear comes first, always. He amazes me, entertains me, helps me, and makes me feel loved every single day. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did.
My priority is my partner. He is the most important thing in my life, before family, friends and even myself.
I make sure he has everything he wants/needs and that his feelings are considered before anybody elses.
The lovely thing is that this is recipricated and I am the most imortant thing in his life before anybody else.
Sound like you are or were with the wrong women. Dont knock us all because of a bad experience, there are some great women out here.0 -
Never give up, marriage is hard, and everyone goes through struggles. Make it better, find the joy again, and really there is only one person who can fulfill you and understand you and can transform hearts, yours and his. Seek God, you will find joy there. I promise, it's no fail advice. Be blessed and hope you see a better day soon.
[/quote
You have to help yourself. A mythical, invented "deity" will NOT help. YOU are your savior from whatever your problems are.]
I also agree with this. Strength comes from within.0
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