Mother rant
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mcpostelle
Posts: 418 Member
I've been keeping my weight-loss and exercise habits secret from my mother since she's just... :grumble:. I try to avoid going out with her even though I am heavily dependent on her and love her. She's just very supportive-ly abusive. For an example, we will go out shopping for "2 hours", but it is in actuality a full-day's worth of boring, looking at the same things over and over, shopping. Hence, I don't get to eat. So, when I do finally convince her to eat and she picks a place we'll sit down to be served (FYI she believes in eating ONE meal a day whereas, I've been eating 6 SMALL meals a day - so going out with her messes my eating schedule up and yes I bring snacks, but I eat them when she's not looking). If she does see me eating my snack then she want them (or she'll eat them all in one go and there's none left for me :ohwell: ) and will get mad if I tell her that they're my allotment for today.
This is when the trap starts. She'll ask what I'm getting and it doesn't matter if I say I'm getting the BBQ Texas burger or the House Salad with grilled chicken; she will always mention how fat I am and how I should get *insert another meal*. I've learned to just ignore her, but then I have to put up with her condescending glances at me while I'm eating. Quite frankly it's stressful and now that I'm of age I've been thinking about ordering shots of whatever they've got. However, I won't let my myself sink that far and there's no way in hell I'll let her drive my car (did that once and she smashed front end to front end with another car not a minute from the house. Granted it wasn't my car, my car, but it was given to me to use by my grandpa to keep. So, technically mine.
Now imagine that every time I go into the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It drives me up the wall. I am also a science major; so, I'm already stressed out to the max.:explode: When I defend myself and we get into rows she always threatens to kick me out and yesterday she demanded that I give her 45% of my paycheck (I really don't make that much to be able to split it). Any advice on how to handle it other than ignoring her like I have been? I'm looking for a second job (night shift at a hospital near me);so, that I can be A, away from her, and B, more financially independent and hopefully able to rent a place near my college. However, I'm worried with working night shifts her being passive aggressive and purposefully wanting to go out early in the morning and such. I'm really motivated to get this weight off and I want a healthy lifestyle (and less stress).
I'm tired of excuses and I'm close to telling her the next time she kicks me out "fine" and sleeping in my car. I've started packing my stuff once before and she came up once she realized what I was doing crying and saying she was sorry. I stopped, but next time I won't.
This is when the trap starts. She'll ask what I'm getting and it doesn't matter if I say I'm getting the BBQ Texas burger or the House Salad with grilled chicken; she will always mention how fat I am and how I should get *insert another meal*. I've learned to just ignore her, but then I have to put up with her condescending glances at me while I'm eating. Quite frankly it's stressful and now that I'm of age I've been thinking about ordering shots of whatever they've got. However, I won't let my myself sink that far and there's no way in hell I'll let her drive my car (did that once and she smashed front end to front end with another car not a minute from the house. Granted it wasn't my car, my car, but it was given to me to use by my grandpa to keep. So, technically mine.
Now imagine that every time I go into the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It drives me up the wall. I am also a science major; so, I'm already stressed out to the max.:explode: When I defend myself and we get into rows she always threatens to kick me out and yesterday she demanded that I give her 45% of my paycheck (I really don't make that much to be able to split it). Any advice on how to handle it other than ignoring her like I have been? I'm looking for a second job (night shift at a hospital near me);so, that I can be A, away from her, and B, more financially independent and hopefully able to rent a place near my college. However, I'm worried with working night shifts her being passive aggressive and purposefully wanting to go out early in the morning and such. I'm really motivated to get this weight off and I want a healthy lifestyle (and less stress).
I'm tired of excuses and I'm close to telling her the next time she kicks me out "fine" and sleeping in my car. I've started packing my stuff once before and she came up once she realized what I was doing crying and saying she was sorry. I stopped, but next time I won't. 0
Replies
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What I think you should do is next time tell your mother "Listen here, you not to stop poking fun of me. Never mind about my weight, I am doing my best here. Your not going to solve anything but judging my weight. This is how I look. You need to get what ever image is in you head and throw it in the trash"
I am sorry your mother treats you that way. I hope you have enough courage to tell her to stop treating you that way.0 -
Um, there's way too much going on here for just one answer. You're "of age" but apparently live in and don't pay rent? You're "of age" and can't say "Mom, I love you, but let me do this my way/I can only go shopping till 3 pm/whatever"? What does the car have to do with anything?
Maybe you should step back and think about things a bit. I mean that in a positive way.
Good luck.0 -
Does your college offer counseling as part of its student health program? It sounds like you are really dealing with a lot and talking with someone or making a plan for you future seems like it would help.
Could you and your mother do counseling together to work out issues and set boundaries while you live at home. A third party may help the two of you understand where you come from.0 -
I think it sounds like you need to make a plan, with a timeline, for when you will finish your studies and move out. Ideally you would move out from under her roof right away, but please don't jeopardize your safety and future success by seriously trying to live in your car (not sure if you were joking about that).
Of course it would be great if you could develop some healthy boundaries with your mom that would cut back on all of the controlling weird stuff she does and says. That is definitely something to work toward, but it doesn't sound too realistic as long as you're so close to her (in the same house). I certainly don't think you would be out of line to say some of the things others are suggesting, like telling your mom to cut the judgments & comments on your weight because they are NOT helpful at all.
Maybe you could start by making a list of how you want your life to look in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years from now and start working toward that. You sound like an intelligent person, and I'm sure if you make a plan and stick to your guns you will eventually be in a much happier place and feeling much freer & more independent away from your mom's watchful eye.0 -
You should look into the counseling. Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep on their couch for a bit? What she is doing to you will have long-term effects on you. The sooner you get away from her, the better. You need to take control of how and when you spend time with her. She'll try to guilt and manipulate you, but think about how she is making you feel. Think about how she has made you feel all of those times in the past. Do you really think that she didn't know that she was hurting you, manipulating you, and interfering with your goals for yourself? She does. Her behavior is not appropriate, and if you continue to let her treat you that way then you will have more and more difficulty with overcoming it. She doesn't deserve your guilt. She should feel guilty for treating you this way.0
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You should look into the counseling. Do you have any friends or family who would let you sleep on their couch for a bit? What she is doing to you will have long-term effects on you. The sooner you get away from her, the better. You need to take control of how and when you spend time with her. She'll try to guilt and manipulate you, but think about how she is making you feel. Think about how she has made you feel all of those times in the past. Do you really think that she didn't know that she was hurting you, manipulating you, and interfering with your goals for yourself? She does. Her behavior is not appropriate, and if you continue to let her treat you that way then you will have more and more difficulty with overcoming it. She doesn't deserve your guilt. She should feel guilty for treating you this way.
I agree with 90% of the above. However, I honestly believe it is possible that the OP's mom does NOT know she's hurting her daughter, manipulating her, and interfering with her goals. I think it is highly possible that OP's mom simply fails to see her "child" as an adult with goals and plans and dreams of her own, and instead is tied to a very small vision SHE has for her daughter's future with somehow involves (among other things, I'd assume) weight loss via eating 1 meal per day of foods that she believes are fat burning, healthy, etc. It's horrible yes...and maybe I am naïve for believing this...but I don't necessarily think OP's mom is downright evil. Just toxic!0 -
Your mom sounds extremely toxic to you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. You probably won't change her, but you can try to talk to her as an adult and explain how what she says makes you feel. If the only way she responds is with anger, then make a plan, as was already mentioned.
Stick with college and get a career that will enable you to be financially independent (forever). The sooner you achieve that now, the better. Again, you probably can't change your mom so your best bet is to remove yourself from the toxic environment. If she is reliant on you for driving her around or taking her shopping, is there another person that can do that? Or, does she try to guilt you into it since you live with her?
When she tries to monopolize your time remind her that you have to study and that is your priority because the only way you will be able to move out is if you get your degree and a good job.0 -
1.) move out
2.) ignore her
3.) find a way to pay her so she can't threaten you any more (although she sounds like she would anyway- which brings us back to ...)
4.) move out0 -
@ladyblue I do tell her to leave me alone about my weight and that I'm working on it. She's also very heavyset herself; so, usually to end the conversation I'll ask her what she's doing about her weight. That's not healthy though and I don't believe in hurting others even if they've hurt you.
@Cynthia I do "pay rent", but it's in the form of basically being her PA, cleaning the house, and other household mandatory stuff. I do set boundaries, but she will keep on calling me or knocking on my door (she actually broke down my door 2 months ago due to me not answering my door quick enough >.< I was just about to open the door too) until I do what she wants me to do. The only thing to do is to not be home to avoid her. And yes I am a grown adult, 21 years old, but I rely on my parents for car insurance, college, phone bill, housing, and etc. I bought my own car and I pay my own gasoline. Since that was always a power struggle.
@rmdaly I've tried that, but then they want to get authorities involved and such which would only make it worst since she's not really that bad, but when it comes to weight/food/exercise she is. I do talk to my siblings (whom all moved out and lost weight), but they live 9 hours away. Problem is with doing counseling with my mother is that she is a therapist herself (not licensed, but she knows everything involving it) and can easily flip it around or make you seem like the one at fault.
@seltzermint I do have a 15 year plan, long and short. I can't get a good job with my degree until 2 years from now where I know I would be completely financially independent. Sometimes I feel like it, but no I would drive up to live with my sister whose about 9 hours away. I've already being making my pro's and con's list of what are good plans and bad plans. I can reasonably get another job right now which I plan to save money up in and if she did try to pull anything I would be able to rent a place with the saved up money. Also, the job that I'm looking at I can afford being independent. I just want to make sure my savings are in place before I make a high risk move like that.0 -
Does she get mad at you during the midle of the night and go into your closet and see if you put your dresses on wire hangers? Compete in the swimming pool and say " I will always beat you because I am bigger Christina'?
Well, Id find 2 jobs and move out.....sounds like she is a has been in Hollywood and is taking it out on you. Does she drink heavily and can't remember anything in the morning?
Just hang in there and in a few years after you move out, write a book about your experiences, it can help thousands.........0 -
I think it sounds like you need to make a plan, with a timeline, for when you will finish your studies and move out. Ideally you would move out from under her roof right away, but please don't jeopardize your safety and future success by seriously trying to live in your car (not sure if you were joking about that).
Of course it would be great if you could develop some healthy boundaries with your mom that would cut back on all of the controlling weird stuff she does and says. That is definitely something to work toward, but it doesn't sound too realistic as long as you're so close to her (in the same house). I certainly don't think you would be out of line to say some of the things others are suggesting, like telling your mom to cut the judgments & comments on your weight because they are NOT helpful at all.
Maybe you could start by making a list of how you want your life to look in 6 months or 1 year or even 2 years from now and start working toward that. You sound like an intelligent person, and I'm sure if you make a plan and stick to your guns you will eventually be in a much happier place and feeling much freer & more independent away from your mom's watchful eye.
Good advice.
May I add that if you are stressed to the max a night shift job won't help?
Second, you can love someone and dislike some of their ways:
I really love to go shopping with you today, Mom, AND I'll really need to be home by noon for an important networking event to prepare for my future).
Mom, I really love how you care about my health AND I know you'll be pleased this junk I just ordered fits into my allowed calories/macros/fat/and sugar allowances for the day, yay. So what are you ordering?
"A soft answer turns away wrath."0 -
Part of my weight loss process was learning to buck family traditions and expectations. It wasn't easy, and I was in my 30's. It's part of the package, though.
To be fair, no one called me fat and no ate my food.
You might want to try talking to her, let her know how much it hurts/bothers you. If none of that works, either make a plan to move out or learn to live with it. I don't mean that in a mean way, just those are really your only options.0 -
100% this!1.) move out
2.) ignore her
3.) find a way to pay her so she can't threaten you any more (although she sounds like she would anyway- which brings us back to ...)
4.) move out0 -
I've been keeping my weight-loss and exercise habits secret from my mother since she's just... :grumble:. I try to avoid going out with her even though I am heavily dependent on her and love her. She's just very supportive-ly abusive. For an example, we will go out shopping for "2 hours", but it is in actuality a full-day's worth of boring, looking at the same things over and over, shopping. Hence, I don't get to eat. So, when I do finally convince her to eat and she picks a place we'll sit down to be served (FYI she believes in eating ONE meal a day whereas, I've been eating 6 SMALL meals a day - so going out with her messes my eating schedule up and yes I bring snacks, but I eat them when she's not looking). If she does see me eating my snack then she want them (or she'll eat them all in one go and there's none left for me :ohwell: ) and will get mad if I tell her that they're my allotment for today.
This is when the trap starts. She'll ask what I'm getting and it doesn't matter if I say I'm getting the BBQ Texas burger or the House Salad with grilled chicken; she will always mention how fat I am and how I should get *insert another meal*. I've learned to just ignore her, but then I have to put up with her condescending glances at me while I'm eating. Quite frankly it's stressful and now that I'm of age I've been thinking about ordering shots of whatever they've got. However, I won't let my myself sink that far and there's no way in hell I'll let her drive my car (did that once and she smashed front end to front end with another car not a minute from the house. Granted it wasn't my car, my car, but it was given to me to use by my grandpa to keep. So, technically mine.
Now imagine that every time I go into the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It drives me up the wall. I am also a science major; so, I'm already stressed out to the max.:explode: When I defend myself and we get into rows she always threatens to kick me out and yesterday she demanded that I give her 45% of my paycheck (I really don't make that much to be able to split it). Any advice on how to handle it other than ignoring her like I have been? I'm looking for a second job (night shift at a hospital near me);so, that I can be A, away from her, and B, more financially independent and hopefully able to rent a place near my college. However, I'm worried with working night shifts her being passive aggressive and purposefully wanting to go out early in the morning and such. I'm really motivated to get this weight off and I want a healthy lifestyle (and less stress). I'm tired of excuses and I'm close to telling her the next time she kicks me out "fine" and sleeping in my car. I've started packing my stuff once before and she came up once she realized what I was doing crying and saying she was sorry. I stopped, but next time I won't.
The bolded part is your problem.0 -
You're 21? Move out.0
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@Cynthia I do "pay rent", but it's in the form of basically being her PA, cleaning the house, and other household mandatory stuff. I do set boundaries, but she will keep on calling me or knocking on my door (she actually broke down my door 2 months ago due to me not answering my door quick enough >.< I was just about to open the door too) until I do what she wants me to do. The only thing to do is to not be home to avoid her. And yes I am a grown adult, 21 years old, but I rely on my parents for car insurance, college, phone bill, housing, and etc. I bought my own car and I pay my own gasoline. Since that was always a power struggle.
To be brutally honest, OP...I doubt your mom sees you as "paying rent" in any way, shape or form. She probably still views you very much as a dependent child and that could explain a lot of her behavior, although it's certainly incorrect. You do sound very dependent, as you said yourself. I totally understand that your circumstances are somewhat limited by your college career which (rightly) is your top priority right now. So in a nutshell I'd say you're kinda between a rock & a hard place for the next couple of years, unless it's possible for you to slowly take on more of your own expenses through your form of employment to be able to handle say, your phone bill and/or car insurance. Would that be possible for you? I understand that there are many variables at play there and some degrees involve internships, labs, etc, that wouldn't make it possible to work a lot (or at all). When you mentioned your current paycheck (albeit small)...I am curious what you use that for, if your parents still pay for so many of your expenses? I don't mean that as a jab at you, at all. I just think any step toward further independence would help the situation.
I would strongly hold off on giving your mother a set percentage of your check though because from the sound of it she would just use that to further bind you to the situation. I could be dead wrong -- but from similar situations I have witnessed, I doubt she wants you to EVER move out or become fully independent.
@seltzermint I do have a 15 year plan, long and short. I can't get a good job with my degree until 2 years from now where I know I would be completely financially independent. Sometimes I feel like it, but no I would drive up to live with my sister whose about 9 hours away. I've already being making my pro's and con's list of what are good plans and bad plans. I can reasonably get another job right now which I plan to save money up in and if she did try to pull anything I would be able to rent a place with the saved up money. Also, the job that I'm looking at I can afford being independent. I just want to make sure my savings are in place before I make a high risk move like that.
I am very glad to hear that you do have a plan, or plans. I agree that it's smart to get your finances in good order before fleeing the nest...but I also think you may do well to consider your emotional wellbeing over a certain percentage of savings and so on. I guess by that I just mean, opt for moving out sooner rather than later. I've known some people who waited so long to move out of their parents' home because they believed it was just easier to stay there...not always true. Of course you have to be practical when it comes to the financial side of things but I think psychologically it would put a lot of unnecessary stress on you to think in terms of "escape plan". When you mentioned a back-up plan to move out "in case she did try to pull anything"...to me that sounds like you do not feel totally stable and safe in your home, and like your mom has all of the control of the situation. That is not a good way to live long term, it will eat away at you and you deserve to feel secure.0 -
Leave. Find a friend you can stay with, sleep in your car, whatever you need to do. And then (most important part!) DON'T COME BACK. There is nothing you can do to make her change. The only thing you can do is put your foot down and assert your independence in a way she can't do anything about.... and that means supporting yourself. That's what I did, it was hard but it was completely worth it.
www.captainawkward.com has some very good advice for dealing with situations like yours.0 -
1.) move out
2.) ignore her
3.) find a way to pay her so she can't threaten you any more (although she sounds like she would anyway- which brings us back to ...)
4.) move out
this^0 -
I've been keeping my weight-loss and exercise habits secret from my mother since she's just... :grumble:. I try to avoid going out with her even though I am heavily dependent on her and love her. She's just very supportive-ly abusive. For an example, we will go out shopping for "2 hours", but it is in actuality a full-day's worth of boring, looking at the same things over and over, shopping. Hence, I don't get to eat. So, when I do finally convince her to eat and she picks a place we'll sit down to be served (FYI she believes in eating ONE meal a day whereas, I've been eating 6 SMALL meals a day - so going out with her messes my eating schedule up and yes I bring snacks, but I eat them when she's not looking). If she does see me eating my snack then she want them (or she'll eat them all in one go and there's none left for me :ohwell: ) and will get mad if I tell her that they're my allotment for today.
This is when the trap starts. She'll ask what I'm getting and it doesn't matter if I say I'm getting the BBQ Texas burger or the House Salad with grilled chicken; she will always mention how fat I am and how I should get *insert another meal*. I've learned to just ignore her, but then I have to put up with her condescending glances at me while I'm eating. Quite frankly it's stressful and now that I'm of age I've been thinking about ordering shots of whatever they've got. However, I won't let my myself sink that far and there's no way in hell I'll let her drive my car (did that once and she smashed front end to front end with another car not a minute from the house. Granted it wasn't my car, my car, but it was given to me to use by my grandpa to keep. So, technically mine.
Now imagine that every time I go into the kitchen to get something to eat or drink. It drives me up the wall. I am also a science major; so, I'm already stressed out to the max.:explode: When I defend myself and we get into rows she always threatens to kick me out and yesterday she demanded that I give her 45% of my paycheck (I really don't make that much to be able to split it). Any advice on how to handle it other than ignoring her like I have been? I'm looking for a second job (night shift at a hospital near me);so, that I can be A, away from her, and B, more financially independent and hopefully able to rent a place near my college. However, I'm worried with working night shifts her being passive aggressive and purposefully wanting to go out early in the morning and such. I'm really motivated to get this weight off and I want a healthy lifestyle (and less stress). I'm tired of excuses and I'm close to telling her the next time she kicks me out "fine" and sleeping in my car. I've started packing my stuff once before and she came up once she realized what I was doing crying and saying she was sorry. I stopped, but next time I won't.
Maybe find a cheap place and get a room mate?0 -
Stockholm Syndrome. Your mother is a terrorist. Get. Out. Now.@ladyblue I do tell her to leave me alone about my weight and that I'm working on it. She's also very heavyset herself; so, usually to end the conversation I'll ask her what she's doing about her weight. That's not healthy though and I don't believe in hurting others even if they've hurt you.
@Cynthia I do "pay rent", but it's in the form of basically being her PA, cleaning the house, and other household mandatory stuff. I do set boundaries, but she will keep on calling me or knocking on my door (she actually broke down my door 2 months ago due to me not answering my door quick enough >.< I was just about to open the door too) until I do what she wants me to do. The only thing to do is to not be home to avoid her. And yes I am a grown adult, 21 years old, but I rely on my parents for car insurance, college, phone bill, housing, and etc. I bought my own car and I pay my own gasoline. Since that was always a power struggle.
@rmdaly I've tried that, but then they want to get authorities involved and such which would only make it worst since she's not really that bad, but when it comes to weight/food/exercise she is. I do talk to my siblings (whom all moved out and lost weight), but they live 9 hours away. Problem is with doing counseling with my mother is that she is a therapist herself (not licensed, but she knows everything involving it) and can easily flip it around or make you seem like the one at fault.
@seltzermint I do have a 15 year plan, long and short. I can't get a good job with my degree until 2 years from now where I know I would be completely financially independent. Sometimes I feel like it, but no I would drive up to live with my sister whose about 9 hours away. I've already being making my pro's and con's list of what are good plans and bad plans. I can reasonably get another job right now which I plan to save money up in and if she did try to pull anything I would be able to rent a place with the saved up money. Also, the job that I'm looking at I can afford being independent. I just want to make sure my savings are in place before I make a high risk move like that.0
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