Before It All Falls Apart...

cmb4977
cmb4977 Posts: 5 Member
in Getting Started
I have been (un)comfortably overweight for the last 10 years. During those 10 years, I have had three children and finished my degree. It seems as though everything was high priority, except my health. At 4' 11", I weight 180 lbs. I would like to lose 60-70 lbs. My husband has finally spoken up and expressed his concerns for my health and my weight. Generally, we have had a good marriage, but I feel that if I don't lose this weight, I will lose my marriage, or at the very least have a marriage that is only in tact for the children.

This is an issue of selfish pride and stubbornness (I don't want to be confronted with my failed attempts at weight loss.) I know I have to let those issues go and that this journey will need to be mind over matter, but frankly, I don't know how to change my way of thinking. I know what I am supposed to do to lose weight (80% eating, 20% exercise...calories in, calories out...)

I am so conflicted. I feel very hurt by my husbands feelings, yet I don't blame him for having them. I really want to be the healthy, toned person I was before children, but I don't want to change. Changing means facing failures and weaknesses. I love my husband and want our marriage to last, but I don't know how to change my attitude and feelings. I am terrified of going to the gym, but have hired a personal trainer to "try it out" for a few sessions. I am a foodie and struggle with the eating side because it forces me to be organized-a trait I do not naturally possess.

Losing this weight seems like an impossible feat for me. Losing 5 lbs seems impossible to me! How can I fix my head before my life falls apart? No negative/mean comments, please:)

Replies

  • woman_of_steele
    woman_of_steele Posts: 38 Member
    Speaking from my experience, you've gotta face it and accept what is. One day I just saw myself and said, " I am fat, overweight, obese.Is this the worst thing I could be? No. Can I fix this. Yes. Do I want to? Yes." It may sound simple but it was truly a moment of clarity for me. I stopped fighting against myself, let go of the what if I dont, what if I can't, I'll always , I'll never, its impossible fears that I used for excuses not to change and just accepted what was, I am fat and I DO have the power to change that. There is a choice to be made here and no one can make it but you, no one can change for you, you must decide if the change is worth facing your failures, and trying, and not being perfect, and making mistakes, and trying again and above all else just.keep.going.

    If you do decide to change you will have to do things that are uncomfortable, that you are scared to do. Step into that gym every week. Let that trainer push you in ways you know you would never push yourself. You will have to do things you don't want to. Schedule, plan, write out menus, keep track of your food. Every morning when you wake up commit to that day, just that day. And then do it again the next day.

    We all change. We change for better or worse, we make the change in our lives or we let life change us. This is your choice to make and I wish you wisdom!
  • pixie_mills
    pixie_mills Posts: 103 Member
    From a fellow shorty (5ft 1) i can understand the feelings you have about feeling that 5lbs is impossible. I frequently have these thoughts during some of my downfalls and from failed "yo-yoing diets". You need to tell yourself that you can do it, its not for your children, husband, friends, work colleagues you have to do it for YOU. YOU have to want to do it!

    I also know how difficult it is to shake the feeling of failed attempts - you gotta tell yourself "this time i'm gonna do it! this time is going to be different" No one said weight-loss is streamlined, you will have good weeks, you will have not so good weeks...but for those not so good weeks you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get ready to go full pelt again. Never give up - you never fail until you stop trying :)

    Gyms can intimidating places but really no-one pays much attention to you, they are all self-absorbed in their own goals :) I, however, much prefer fitness classes my gym puts on - it's more fun in a group and you are all achieving a similar goal.
    Fitness DVDs are also a good way to get into exercise.
    One thing I have just started is the Couch to 5k programme, believe me when I say I have never been a runner, nor have I ever enjoyed running, but this programme is perfect for getting you started to a fitter lifestyle. I said I could never do it, and yes I struggled on my first run (2 weeks ago), to the point I was in tears of frustration. But just 2 weeks on and 6 runs in, I'm feeling my fight coming back, a fight I have not had for a long long time. You really feel like you have achieved.

    I know how easy it is to come in from a day of work and be like "UUUUGGGGHHH!!!! COOKING!!! WHHYYY??????" but you really don't have to be super duper organised. I work it as I choose a meat or a fish I fancy for dinner that night, take it out the freezer and then "experiment" with storecupboard ingredients to make it more interesting.
    I am currently following an eating plan as I'm just back from vacation and my eating habits all went to pot. So I highly recommend a sensible plan to jumpstart your weightloss journey. By sensible I mean not cutting any whole food groups, allowing yourself the odd treat and not eating stupidly little amounts of calories.

    I guess my final word would be....

    Don't see it as change, see it as a brand new updated version of you :)

    Feel free to add me

    Pix x
  • LoneWolfRunner
    LoneWolfRunner Posts: 1,160 Member
    It's not impossible. Lot's of people here exactly where you are to help you unleash your inner "hottie"
  • wjelly
    wjelly Posts: 64 Member
    Take small steps at first don't try to change everthing at once, I'd definately start with diet you can still be a foodie just a healthier one. Set your goals small when it comes to dropping the weight, have a milestone every 5 or so lbs.

    Take this opportunity now by the scruff of the neck and go for it, its going to make you so much happier and remember the MFP community is always here for you 24/7

    Good luck on your journey.
  • hscheuerman
    hscheuerman Posts: 15 Member
    First of all - you are NOT, NOT, NOT a failure!!!! You need to remind yourself that, when you put your mind to it, you can be/are successful - you have your degree and three children - these are accomplishments that you can, should be, very proud of.

    Having just finished getting my degree at age 66 and am now in the process of losing over 100 lbs - I am finally getting rid of that baby weight I gained from my last 2 pregnancies - not bad considering that those "babies" now have babies of their own.

    I suggest you think long and hard about the mindset you used to get your degree while raising a family - then apply that mindset to losing the weight. Face it, it required dedication, persistence and just plain stubbornness to study, do research, write papers, etc. These are same qualities that we need to use on a weight loss program. Hopefully, if you just look at the weight the way you looked at a different long-term project where you were successful, you can get past the mental block (it took me 20 years to get past my mental blocks for both weight and school but, at long last, I finally kicked myself into gear and am much happier for it). Remember, you are intelligent, competent and capable - this will be a long journey but so was getting a degree - you graduated from school and you can "graduate" to a great new body too!!!!! Good Luck!
  • catbyrd
    catbyrd Posts: 87 Member
    You can do it. Take pride in the smallest steps. If you loose 1/2 lb congratulate yourself, because that is a start. If you walk around the block, the same thing. Everything starts adding up.

    When I first started I had a small white board on the wall. In big numbers I wrote how much I had lost during the last week, even if it was only 1/2 a pound. In one corner I had my goal weight and underneath it I had the amount that I had left to loose to get to that weight. It made me feel good every week when I could lower the number I had left to loose. If my digital scale said I lost .4 lbs, that is the amount I subtracted.

    Just turn your negative thoughts around and tell yourself you can do it. Logging your food makes you more conscious of what you are eating. Start out small. For me, I am addicted to Pepsi. So when I could look at my food intake for the previous week and see that I had one less pepsi than the week before, it was a major improvement for me.

    Have faith in yourself and reach out for support. It helps!!! Good luck, you can do this:drinker:
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  • nonacgp
    nonacgp Posts: 132
    I am 4' 11" and even a little extra weight shows up immediately. I started MFP over a year ago. Did it for a few short months and then just quit. I recently started over. I lost 5 lbs on my own and then got serious with MFP. I have lost 22 lbs. in 4 1/2 months. I still have 20-25 more to lose. YOU can do the same. For real. Here is how I started. Logging, counting calories, weighing and measuring. This is a must. I bought a Life Trak which is like a fit bit. (keeps track of the calories you burn, your heart rate and the number of steps you take in a day. It really really motivates me to stay within my calorie range. Highly recommend you get one. ) I started exercising slowly. I started with home videos. (Leslie Sansone Walk at Home tapes) When I got more conditioned, I bought a treadmill and now do at least a 5K every day. It took time but I worked up to this. The gym was intimidating for me too. I'm sure your husband meant well but do this for YOURSELF. It won't work if you do it for someone else. He needs to encourage you. Take it one day at a time. Be patient and true to yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I'm sending you a friend request and hope you will accept it. Best of luck to the new you!!! :flowerforyou:
  • DeliriumCanBeFun
    DeliriumCanBeFun Posts: 313 Member
    I can't speak for him, but I would think that it took a lot of love and great courage on your husband's part to speak up. Don't just look at this as a matter of how you look. Feeling uphappy with oneself for any reason greatly affects how we treat others and approach situations. Being uncomfortable with yourself means you can't be free and open with your husband. Chances are, he is much more concerned with your health and the emotional and physical relationship you share. By speaking his concern, I think that is being supportive. It can hurt and be hard to face, but having someone say nothing or tell you you're doing great when you're clearly not is not being supportive. Facing your fears is one of the hardest things to do, but it's such an amazing boost of confidence when you start to realize that you can do anything you set your mind to. Try to talk to your husband about the way you feel, and enlist him to help you in any way he can...whether that be willingness new meals, watching the kids while you do something just for yourself or planning active date nights when you can squeeze them in.

    I've always been a very unorganized person, but I have to say that planning ahead especially with meals is the best thing I ever did for weight loss. I bring my lunch to work every day and pretty much do all the shopping and meal planning for the week ahead, and it has made my life so much less stressful not just us all eating better and healthier. A lifestyle change is what it takes, and that can seem overwhelming. But just remind yourself that you can't rush something you want to last. Make gradual small changes, and you will be amazed at how far you have come in no time. Be kind to yourself, and be ready for lots of trial and error to figure out what works best for you that you can stick with.
  • whippetwomen
    whippetwomen Posts: 31 Member
    After 40 odd years of "dieting" e.g following low calorie recipes, cutting out fat, sugar, joining various slimming clubs, all sort of worked for a while, then I got bored weighing everything. Then I had an eureka moment. Eat less. Sounds obvious, but as a ready meal junkie, too lazy to cook, I would bung a ready meal in the microwave and mindlessly eat it all, even after I was full. I then started to have half the meal and added plenty of veg. Have one of something, e.g *kitten*, fish cake,chop, whatever, instead of 2 or more and make up the difference with extra veg. Marmite on the toast, tomato sauce on the sandwich instead of butter, bit less milk in the tea. All these little things really do make a difference and you just eat what the rest of the family eats, just less of it. Have a think about what you are about to make and adjust/replace where you can. Really savour what you put in your mouth, enjoy rather than eating while talking, watching tv etc. Don't scrimp too much, you'll only feel hungry and we all know where that leads. Oh, and don't have biscuits,

    cakes sweets choccy in the house. I wish you every success, you can do it, deep down you really know you can. Good luck, keep posted. Pat x
  • DeliriumCanBeFun
    DeliriumCanBeFun Posts: 313 Member
    Sorry hit quote instead of edit.
  • incatinker
    incatinker Posts: 1
    I just resurrected my account today, and can relate to so much of your post with regards to how you are feeling. There's some good advice here for both of us! One day at a time, no deadlines, eh? I've spent some time thinking today about new habits, and I've made a promise to myself that I am going to be my own best friend through this. By that I mean not listening to my inner negative voice, and talk to myself as I would support and encourage a friend, not beating myself up or being hard on myself if I have a bad day. I hope that your husband is supportive, but do it for yourself. All the best.
  • traceywoody
    traceywoody Posts: 233 Member
    First of all - you are NOT, NOT, NOT a failure!!!! You need to remind yourself that, when you put your mind to it, you can be/are successful - you have your degree and three children - these are accomplishments that you can, should be, very proud of.

    Having just finished getting my degree at age 66 and am now in the process of losing over 100 lbs - I am finally getting rid of that baby weight I gained from my last 2 pregnancies - not bad considering that those "babies" now have babies of their own.

    I suggest you think long and hard about the mindset you used to get your degree while raising a family - then apply that mindset to losing the weight. Face it, it required dedication, persistence and just plain stubbornness to study, do research, write papers, etc. These are same qualities that we need to use on a weight loss program. Hopefully, if you just look at the weight the way you looked at a different long-term project where you were successful, you can get past the mental block (it took me 20 years to get past my mental blocks for both weight and school but, at long last, I finally kicked myself into gear and am much happier for it). Remember, you are intelligent, competent and capable - this will be a long journey but so was getting a degree - you graduated from school and you can "graduate" to a great new body too!!!!! Good Luck!

    This^ You have shown how successful you are when you see the benefits of something. What are the benefits of losing this weight for YOU? From my perspective I see you as strong, intelligent and persistent. Do this for you and what you will gain from it. I KNOW you can.
  • JustSomeEm
    JustSomeEm Posts: 20,289 MFP Moderator
    Honey, sending hugs your way. You're in a rough spot, and its one that we have all been in (or most of us here, anyway). Please remember that your self worth is not reflected in your pants size or a number on a scale. YOU are a mother, wife, daughter, friend, college graduate, and a million other things. I think your husband was very courageous to talk to you about your health, and I think YOU are very courageous for coming here and reaching out for help. You've taken that first step - recognizing an issue. Then you've begun to take the second - doing something about it. Don't worry about making too many changes right now. I know losing weight seems like a momentous task - and it is. But it doesn't have to be hard. It WILL take time. I took nearly 2 years to lose 60 pounds. Others have come and lost more than 100 pounds in a year. Finding your way to fitness is a very individual thing. For me, it started out just being honest with myself. I logged everything I ate, even if I didn't like how high the calorie numbers were going. I didn't make any changes at first, just watched those calories rack up. Eventually, I started making smarter food choices, and the weight started dropping off. Later still, I took up and fell in love with running. Even a small change like making a commitment to log your food is an amazing step toward better health. You CAN do this. I challenge you to find your path to sexypants. :)

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1069275-links-in-mfp-you-want-to-read-again-and-again

    :flowerforyou:
  • Jenism1
    Jenism1 Posts: 149 Member
    It definitely begins with one small step. A series of small steps can make a huge difference over time. The hard part is getting back up after you trip over those small steps. Many people just throw in the towel and say they can't do it. The truth is, you can! You just have to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time. Seriously...if you end up eat everything in the house one day, you can start from scratch the next. Don't beat yourself up, just move on and do the best you can do the next day.

    Give yourself some time to make small adjustments in your life. It took 10 years to gain the weight, it is not going to come off in a few months. Hang in there!! You can do it!
  • Kalikel
    Kalikel Posts: 9,603 Member
    Of course you can do it. There is absolutely nothing special about the people who lost weight. I personally believe that lifestyle changes are better than diets. Diets will get the weight off. Lifestyle changes will keep it off. Eat healthy and exercise. It sounds easy, but it's a huge thing and takes a lot of work and effort before it becomes habit and not something you force yourself to do.

    Visit a doctor when beginning your weight loss journey. He will be able to tell you what kind of foods you ought to be eating, give you a good calorie goal and maybe a referral to a dietician. Follow the doctor's advice.

    It's a lot of work.

    It's so hard.

    And you have to do all the hard work for a really long time and be satisfied with only the smallest scale changes. It requires a lot of patience, commitment and determination. But it will be worth it in the end. You'll be happier,healthier and will be able to give your children good habits.

    Of course you can do it. The question is, Do you want to?
  • roxy76nwi
    roxy76nwi Posts: 3 Member
    Tiny T, you are an amazing, strong, determined woman! You went back to school while raising three young children, working full time AND staying very involved in your community!! YOU GOT THIS! This is the first step to a healthier version of the amazing woman you ALREADY are. Weight, HA, with everything else you have conquered in your life this will be a snap. I know, FOS right! Weight is tough to lose we all know that but put a little of that Tina fire I know so well into it and it WILL happen for you. I am always here if your in town and want to take a run (I am a horrible runner but will give it a try for you). Stay logging your food on this site, it really helped me stay accountable for everything I ate. remember that "bites" add up fast. :-) I already know you know what to eat, you have a wonderful understanding of the foods our bodies need. I know you can do this and I'm here for any support I can give!!
  • cmb4977
    cmb4977 Posts: 5 Member
    Thanks, my dear friend! :smile:
  • cmb4977
    cmb4977 Posts: 5 Member
    I do want to, I just don't want to be told I have to...(have to let go of pride.)
  • roxy76nwi
    roxy76nwi Posts: 3 Member
    Twist that pride around and use it for you! SHOW everyone you CAN do it!
  • enzosmama
    enzosmama Posts: 134 Member
    Sounds like you have a few different issues at play here:
    1) Your health and weight loss- changing your mentality is hard but it won't happen overnight. It takes lots of hard work and determination. Come up with a plan and stick to it. Reward yourself along the way. Be patient.

    2) My greater concern is that you feel your marriage is at risk if you don't lose the weight. Why is that? Your husband should love you unconditionally and be supportive of you in this journey. It sounds like from your post (and this is me judging only what you've written) that your primary motivation to lose the weight is to save your marriage, or protect it. If this is the case I think you need to have some serious discussions and thoughts around the state of your marriage and your relationship with your husband.

    I speak from experience when I say it's very very difficult to get healthy and focus on you when you're not in a supportive relationship. My apologies if this is out of line or if I'm WAY off track, again, I am basing this on what little I know- the teeny glimpse you've given us based on your original post. There is a good possibility there is much more at play here than you've shared and I'm just off base.

    Either way, I wish you the best in your journey and make sure you are doing it for yourself. It won't stick if you're doing it for anyone else. You can find lots of support here- good luck!
  • dubird
    dubird Posts: 1,849 Member
    Sounds like your husband is just concerned about your heatlh, nothing else. I've expressed the same to my husband because I want him to stick around for a long time! But this is something you have to do for yourself. Focus on getting healthy fist, not losing the weight. You'll start shedding pounds just by changing what you do. Now, you will have to concentrate on that later, but for now, just concentrate on things you can do that will make you healthier. Talk to your doctor and see what advice they have for you.

    And hun, you have 3 kids and still finished a degree? You are totally not a failure!!

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