When your family is not on board...

softblondechick · September 2014

I am sure others can relate to this post, I have a great family. However, they don't want to eat healthy food. My BF, could definitely do with losing weight, but he does not care about his weight, he wants to eat red meat, pasta, cake, cheese, and has those things in the house. We can't even eat a meal together any longer, as he makes a face when I make a salad for dinner, or stir fry. He grumbles about me not baking any longer, not making him carrot cake, or fudge cake.

The answer to our meal situation, is that he makes his food, I make my food. It is difficult though.

I am going to the gym, after work, and now, don't get home until after 7:00, or later. He is unhappy with this, and I asked him to join me, he does not want to...I go for walks, ask him to join, he stays on the sofa and watches tv.

We went out for dinner the other night, I ordered a salad, he ordered bruschetta, a pizza, and tiramisu. He wanted me to taste everything, I politely declined, I just want to work on my diet. He ordered a bottle of wine, I did not want any, he got mad, and said it was not worth going out any longer, because I am no fun. I guess, I was more "fun" when I ate pizza and drank wine...probably...

My daughter made dinner the other night, sausage and pasta, with garlic cheese bread, and expected me to eat it. I made a salad. She said I was miserable to be around.

Rant over...can anyone else relate to a family like this?

joanthemom8 · September 2014

I sort of have the same problem, maybe not to the same degree as you. I am try to eat healthier, but for me, it's all about portion control. Because I have to cook for me, my hubby and 2 kids, I try to cook healthy, but things I know they will eat. As for exercise, I just can't get it in at the end of the day, after work. So, I get up early and go to the gym at 4:30 or 5 in the morning while everyone is still asleep. This way, no one complains about me taking time away from them. Also, in the evening, I'm the only one who cleans up after dinner, makes sure my daughter does her homework, takes her bath, etc....

My hardest part with my husband is lunch. We have our own business and work together. When he's in the office (not out in the field) he ALWAYS wants us to go out to lunch together, and that is really hard for me. Sometimes I turn him down, but then he semi-makes me feel guilty ("So I guess I'm on my own again for lunch today?"). As sad as it sounds, I'm happy when he's out of the office sometimes.

My husband doesn't go to the gym with me, he doesn't think he needs to exercise for it's own sake, but he will run with me on weekends sometimes (but then he takes a nap afterward)...

Good luck to you.... remember, this is about you...give it a few weeks and maybe your BF will come around...

missiontofitness · September 2014

I would sit down and have a conversation with them, and let them know why you are doing what you are doing, and why you are making the changes that you have. Just like they can't change your mindset, you can't change theirs; if they don't want to join you, you can't make them. But you can try to make them understand your mindset. Sounds like there's a lot of changes going on that they don't understand.

On another note; you don't have to just live off salad! I still eat bruschetta (one of my favorite snacks to make at home, actually), drink wine, eat pasta...ect. I just fit it in to my macros. You can still meet your goals and sample some wine and pizza every now and then.

seltzermint555 · September 2014

Eating salads 24/7 and ordering them in restaurants etc, simply sounds awful to me. I eat smaller portions of everything but still enjoy pizza, wine, etc. Perhaps your family feel the same so they can't relate. I lost weight while I was with my ex who ate crap all of the time. I just skipped the shake and fries with the burger, left off the mayo, got my chicken grilled instead of fried. Granted it's WAY easier now that I am married to a different guy who eats very healthy and "all things in moderation" like I do. But it can be done.

I see everyone else is basically saying the same thing here. If you really love salad, OP, I suppose that could work out fine long-term, but maybe consider fitting in some other foods to enjoy with family and friends now and then. I have found it goes a long way to helping me stay on track and for me I know that attitude will be sustainable long-term.

One note about the baked goods...I do get where that could be a problem. When it comes to high calorie, rich desserts like fudge cake, even one small piece CAN derail your progress if you have a difficult time sticking to one small piece and/or just one, instead of one per day until it's gone. I would have problems with that too...and I HATE wasting food. One thing I've found helpful is to still make those things but only when I am going to an event where I can take it to share, that way my husband and I still get some but just 1-2 small servings. Good luck!

FindingAmy77 · September 2014

You can not expect to eat salads for the rest of your life. You need to make this a realistic and life long thing. There is nothing wrong with red meat by the way. I make sure I do meal planning and try new recipes a lot so it doesn't get mundane. When making things for dinner or meals I never say the words low calorie or healthy or good for you. I just serve it and my husband eats it and enjoys it. I say to you to switch it up and don't think of any food as good or bad but ask yourself if it has the nutrients you need to eat or not. Its all about eating at a deficit to lose weight so smaller portions of the same foods everyone else it eating is okay here and there too. I think too much restriction and deprivation is only going to make cheating and binging inevitable. Skip the diet, just eat healthy and be more active. :flowerforyou:

Francl27 · September 2014

Well there are two things here... First, definitely talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that losing weight is important for you and that you need his support, otherwise it's going to be a problem. Saying it's not fun to go out with you if you don't drink wine or order pizza is definitely a big issue, IMO. Did your daughter know you're trying to lose weight? Ask her if she can make something less calorie-heavy next time. But you're going to have to talk to them seriously. They see it as an inconvenience (and it is, really, when you start to have to be mindful about what you eat), but if you explain to them that you're worried for your health because of your weight and you want to be around for a long time, they should be more willing to compromise.

But as people said, you can't eat salad all the time. You're going to crash and burn doing that... do you intend to eat salad all your life? I mean, your calorie goal now is probably close to what you will be eating to maintain once you've lost all your weight... so keep that in mind.

mave34 · September 2014

I can relate with your situation. I also have to deal with my bf getting angry at me when my 12 year old daughter tries to do what I do (which most children mimic their role models) I see nothing wrong with my young daughter going for healthy choices because mom is, and if she wants to throw on some gym clothes and go for a little run around the block, so be it! She's young and should be healthy and active right?? Why is it a negative that she's passing on cookies and making a point to get some cardio in? I am eating differently than my bf and have avoided situations of eating out, and have become "LESS FUN" but honestly I don't care and there is little to no support then I will keep going with what I'm doing and he can make his choice from there. I also must add that your situation is a little better because you're allowed to go to the gym. If I got a membership i would likely be classified as a cheater in his eyes because and I quote "People will look at you" LMAO Someone's got some major insecurities! I go to the gym facility at my workplace where nobody ever goes. I'm lucky to have that option, it would be the gym or him HA!

Anyway, keep doing what you're doing but honestly something other than rabbit food once in awhile isn't going to hurt and a small portion of what your daughter cooked couldn't hurt because she made an effort. You gave him the option to join you but you can't expect everyone to follow suite. I would express your feelings to your husband and let him know you need a little more support. If he gives you the same line I got about it "controlling your life" then just do what you do because you're doing it for you and let him slump on the couch, you can't change people they have to want it for themselves and maybe once he sees your results he might jump on the bandwagon. Good luck!

crepes_ · September 2014

It's hard to make big changes in your life as it is, and having little support at home makes it harder. Just sit them down and explain your reasoning, in a very calm and peaceful manner. For example, "I really want to focus on my health and lose some weight so that I can be around for longer/do more with you guys. It's hard for me to change, but it's something I really want to do and hope that you'll understand enough to be ok with my small changes. If there's something you think I am overdoing, let me know and we can discuss why I'm doing it and come to a compromise."

It lets them know that they can still have input, but that you will still be making your own decisions. I know it's really just up to you how you eat, but your family is very heavily involved it seems, and that may make it easier for them.

When you make dinner, do you make things that they also enjoy? How about making the same main dishes with lighter option sides like salads and roasted veggies so that you can just change around your portions and still eat with them. For example, a smaller portion of the buttery pasta and a larger portion of the salad. Maybe for dessert, you set our ice cream and fruit and take just a bit of ice cream and more fruit. You certainly don't have to live off salads, although they can be quite lower in calorie. From their perspective, it is a bit annoying when a family activity becomes a chore and you aren't partaking with them. While you're eating, let them know how great it is that you can all still eat together and how delicious all the food is. They need to know that you're still enjoying the food and the company, so it doesn't seem like a chore that you're eating with them.

When they make dinner, just ask if they can also make you a salad to have with it, or offer to help by making some sides and chatting with them in a very positive manner while you do it. Then serve your portions accordingly; more salad than main dish, and make sure to compliment the chef.

For the gym, maybe try some positive reinforcement along with it. When you come home, give your husband and kiss and let him know how appreciative you are that he's so understanding and letting you take some personal time to go the gym. Let him know how much it means to you that he's so accepting even though it's taking time away from him. Ask him if he'd like it if you did some things at home, or if you went in the mornings and see if that's something you can do every other day.

If you're cheerful and appreciative of all the good they do for you, it's a lot harder for them to complain. It opens up communication, and people like to be reminded of the good they're doing. Make sure they know you appreciate them when they help you out.

jemhh · September 2014

I don't understand why people care so much what other people eat. Especially at a restaurant. Part of the point of going to a restaurant is that each person gets what they want.

At my house, we eat generally the same thing but our side dishes might differ. So my husband might eat mashed potatoes with his meal and I might add an extra vegetable. No big deal. As long as you aren't gawking at what they eat or monologuing on its supposed nutritional inadequacies, I would say just keep on doing what you are doing. They will need to get over it.

mave34 · September 2014

@jemhh...I don't understand it either. I took out some squash from the freezer that I had measured, precooked and frozen and I was adding it to my meal, and my meal only and my bf comes out into the kitchen and says "ewww what is that??" I calmly said, don't worry it's not for you and he got into a huff and went back into the living room LOL I try and teach all our kids (his and mine) that saying ew to someones food is rude and very unnecessary I shouldn't have to teach a grown man to do the same thing.

dopeysmelly · September 2014

I don't understand why people care so much what other people eat. Especially at a restaurant. Part of the point of going to a restaurant is that each person gets what they want.

At my house, we eat generally the same thing but our side dishes might differ. So my husband might eat mashed potatoes with his meal and I might add an extra vegetable. No big deal. As long as you aren't gawking at what they eat or monologuing on its supposed nutritional inadequacies, I would say just keep on doing what you are doing. They will need to get over it.

^^This. They'll get used to it, but I would also make use of the recipe builder in MFP (website only) to help you figure out meals which you can all eat together, and which you just help yourself to whatever portion size you need to meet your calorie targets.

missjanetleigh · September 2014

My husband doesn't have as much to lose in fact he carries it all in his stomach, I think I could probably pick him up and toss him across the room.

He's not supportive in the way that I need so it does make it hard. He watches his portions but then at times will chase it with a big piece of chocolate cake. Thankfully I can pass on chocolate.

PRMinx · September 2014

Well there are two things here... First, definitely talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that losing weight is important for you and that you need his support, otherwise it's going to be a problem. Saying it's not fun to go out with you if you don't drink wine or order pizza is definitely a big issue, IMO. Did your daughter know you're trying to lose weight? Ask her if she can make something less calorie-heavy next time. But you're going to have to talk to them seriously. They see it as an inconvenience (and it is, really, when you start to have to be mindful about what you eat), but if you explain to them that you're worried for your health because of your weight and you want to be around for a long time, they should be more willing to compromise.

But as people said, you can't eat salad all the time. You're going to crash and burn doing that... do you intend to eat salad all your life? I mean, your calorie goal now is probably close to what you will be eating to maintain once you've lost all your weight... so keep that in mind.

I agree with most of this, except for the bolded.

I don't see the comment your boyfriend made as a "big issue." I think it's just a natural frustration to a change that impacts the way you go out and have fun. When I go out on a date with someone I'm seeing, a big part of that is sharing some food and having a glass or two of wine. It's fun, it's relaxing and it's a big part of why I go out to restaurants to begin with. I would be bummed too if my partner changed this dynamic all of a sudden. It would make me think twice about whether or not I'd want to go out to a restaurant or spend the money doing something else. At the same time, though, I'm just as happy going for a hike as I am going out to a restaurant.

In regards to your daughter, how old is she? She may not understand calories and weight loss. She may have been proud of the meal she made and felt rejected when you turned it down. Again, I can understand the reaction.

Ultimately, you have to do what works for you to lose weight. I will say, however, that confining yourself to salad all the time is a sure fire way to fail. At some point, you are going to have to learn how to eat all things in moderation.

Also, I think it's important to acknowledge the big change you are making and how it is impacting those around you. I'm not saying change what you are doing, but if you understand where they are coming from then you can start working on resolving the problem.

Deathbyppt · September 2014

i'm not doubting anyones stories, it's just hard for me to believe that there are people out there who wouldn't support their partner like this. I can understand if they personally don't want to get involved with weight loss or fitness, but to drag someone else along with you like that is pretty immature. That must hurt to hear, and I'm sorry to see that so many people are in this situation.

_sirenofthesea_ · September 2014

I have completely the same issue - and it's so hard. He says he is "eating healthy' but his parameters are much different than mine. I get the eating a salad at every meal, because it's so hard for me to stay in moderation when 'eating anything in small portions or moderation' - so for me, a salad when I eat out is my best bet.

Hang in there - this is your journey. I would venture to say he will come around to accepting it - or you may have to make some choice, but at the end of the day - make them about and for you -

PRMinx · September 2014

The answer to our meal situation, is that he makes his food, I make my food. It is difficult though.

How is this difficult? The stove has four burners usually. That's two each. The oven also has plenty of space for several dishes.

This, too!

I find it hard to believe that there isn't a meal you can share that meets both of your needs, either. From your post it sounds like you are taking a scorched earth approach to your diet.

CyberEd312 · September 2014

Ok the first thing I got out of this, is you seriously eat alot of salads... lol Seriously though, you can't change others, they have their own choices to make. I ate my way to severe depression and eventually being homebound at 560 lbs. and suicidal.. My whole family watch me go down this destructive path and watch just how much effort I put into getting out of it... and today I am in the best shape of my adult life and I watch my entire family (minus my wife) going about life the way I use to, eating well beyond my caloric needs, not exercising, being extremely lazy, etc...... but I know there is absolutely nothing and I mean nothing that I can do about it but watch it happen because you can not change anyone that doesn't want the change for themselves.... You have to move on, you have to stand firm and doing you, my family knows without a shadow of a doubt the way I live my life now and they know not to question any of my decisions when it comes to my exercise routine and eating habits cause I have more than made it known and there is no issues whatsoever.... I wonder though if you can do what I do with family activities... I go to family function and partake in the foods that are prepared or if we go out then I will have some pizza or mexican, etc... I know we are having an outing and plan around it whether that be a lighter breakfast and lunch to have room for a bigger calorie supper or vise versa... It keeps the peace, it isn't an everyday thing, and it never hurts my progress... But in the end you just have to do you and not worry about them in the sense that they have their on life's to live.... Best of Luck

skippygirlsmom · September 2014

One thing I have noticed when looking at nutrition information when eating out, salads are not always the best if you limiting your calories. Unless of course I'm having lettuce and tomatoes LOL I can eat a steak and veggies and sometimes potatoe for less than the calories in some salads.

I do understand it's frustrating to feel you are not being supported in your weigh loss goals, you need to have a chat with BF.

Great_Mazinga · September 2014

Softblond,

Sounds like my situation. Wife and I prepare two menus. I'm taking green smoothies or salads most days, then having something like stir-fry, lentils, fish as a full meal. She's eating cake, donuts, ramen, recipes with cream based sauces, pizza, etc. She doesn't eat much at a time, but it's all the stuff that makes me want to binge. Like you, I refuse "tastes" that are offered, because it will just make me want more. Dining out is no fun at all. I never really liked the experience, but when I'm trying to watch my foods, it's more difficult. No telling what's really in sauces, soups, and dressings. Also, most places have very few options for vegetables, even the salads have little more than lettuce in them. I've noticed several of my wife's favorites have abandoned a veg medley [some were very good] for "just" broccoli. I like broc, but it's one of the easiest fixes for at home. If I'm wasting money at a restraunt at least give me something I can't easily do on my own.

There is a slight bright side. I'm down 97lbs, but my wife's just now started taking an occassional tiny salad to lunch, doesn't want to eat out EVERY dinner anymore, and is walking [slowly] with me in the evenings. I am hopeful for more progress, like getting her to eat veggies, but I'm grateful for any step forward. Maybe your BF will have a change of heart, but it won't be anything you can really impose on anyone else. Before you're "tied" to him permanently, think about fighting this uphill battle while married and living together. I wish my wife and I were more of a team and behaved less like roommates. I wish I'd made the committment to be healthy before marrying. I'd have more likely found someone with the same committment.

PRMinx · September 2014

One thing I have noticed when looking at nutrition information when eating out, salads are not always the best if you limiting your calories. Unless of course I'm having lettuce and tomatoes LOL I can eat a steak and veggies and sometimes potatoe for less than the calories in some salads.

TRUTH!

When your family is not on board...

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