Unsupportive Family/Friends?
AskTracyAnnK28
Posts: 2,817 Member
Have any of you come across a friend or family member who aren't supportive of your new healthy lifestyle?
I had a weird situation come up over the weekend. My Godmother (to whom I'm very close with and share a lot of mutual friends with) was over my house Sunday visting with my mom (who just got out of the hospital). She asked me if I'd like to have a cocktail with her and I politely declined (twice - she's pushy lolol) then I finally told her that I was cutting out the booze for the most part because I was trying to be more healthy and lose weight. I explained that if I had a drink or 2 I would have to deduct those calories from the awesome dinner I was preparing for myself and that I'd rather have something nutricious and filling instead of wasting it on alchohol.
She said "you bring tears to my eyes. You should except yourself the way you are. 'So and So' has a boyfriend and she's very overweight." I told her it wasn't about finding a man, it was about living a healthy life. I explained to her that I weigh almost 200 pounds and it's not healthy . That it puts me at risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, hypertension and a long list of other medical issues that I don't ever want to deal with.
She told me about a BBQ next weekend that costs $25 and I told her that I'd think about it because it might be a waste of money to pay that and not drink or eat any of the food. She said "see - I'd rather be overweight than not enjoy my life". I realized that this conversation wasn't getting me anywhere so I politely excused myself.
Sorry for the long post - but I was so annoyed! The rest of my family and friends are very supportive and patting me on the back for the will power I have.
I had a weird situation come up over the weekend. My Godmother (to whom I'm very close with and share a lot of mutual friends with) was over my house Sunday visting with my mom (who just got out of the hospital). She asked me if I'd like to have a cocktail with her and I politely declined (twice - she's pushy lolol) then I finally told her that I was cutting out the booze for the most part because I was trying to be more healthy and lose weight. I explained that if I had a drink or 2 I would have to deduct those calories from the awesome dinner I was preparing for myself and that I'd rather have something nutricious and filling instead of wasting it on alchohol.
She said "you bring tears to my eyes. You should except yourself the way you are. 'So and So' has a boyfriend and she's very overweight." I told her it wasn't about finding a man, it was about living a healthy life. I explained to her that I weigh almost 200 pounds and it's not healthy . That it puts me at risk for diabetes, high blood pressure, hypertension and a long list of other medical issues that I don't ever want to deal with.
She told me about a BBQ next weekend that costs $25 and I told her that I'd think about it because it might be a waste of money to pay that and not drink or eat any of the food. She said "see - I'd rather be overweight than not enjoy my life". I realized that this conversation wasn't getting me anywhere so I politely excused myself.
Sorry for the long post - but I was so annoyed! The rest of my family and friends are very supportive and patting me on the back for the will power I have.
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Replies
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She's just really confused. Try not to sweat it. Some people just don't get it.0
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Don't take it on. Some people are bound.to be threatened by your choices.0
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TracyannK,
Congratulations on handling that so well. Your Godmother sounds like she's used to getting what she wants and she wants to "guide" the people in her life, LOL.
It may take a while, but consistently pointing out your health goals will sink in and she will either ignore what you are doing or jump on board with you. Some people really feel threatened when those close to them decide to make major changes in their lives. Ignore the negative and take pride in your decision.
Best of luck!0 -
What it comes down to at the end of the day is you, your body and how you feel. There will be many people in your life that don't share your views. The majority of people will not be open minded enough to understand, or feel threatened because they know they don't have the strength to do it themselves so therefore it's easier to shut that person down for their hard work and dedication. There will be a tiny handful of people in real life that will go "hey, good for you!!" Don't sweat it and find the support where it is given to you, I think that's why many people come onto MFP for support from many strangers because here you find the people that "get it" that understand and appreciate the hard work and mind set you need to reach your goals whatever they may be. Keep moving forward, and don't feel bad for skipping a cocktail if you desire. There is no shame in taking care of yourself and becoming a better you
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TracyannK,
Some people really feel threatened when those close to them decide to make major changes in their lives.
I think this is really the reason. She's a huge partier and I'm no longer partaking in that for the time being.0 -
She's just really confused. Try not to sweat it. Some people just don't get it.
Pretty much this. Plus she's probably in serious denial about her own health and weight and your doing something about yours is making her confront something she doesn't want to so it's easier to make excuses and say everyone should just be happy how they are Happy is all well and good but happy, healthy and fit is even better!
Look I get it. I have several family members who talk about wanting to lose weight but they just keep eating crap and make excuse after excuse for why they can't lose. Hell, I did the same thing myself for years! Even after seeing my success, they refuse to believe they can lose weight while still eating the foods they love. It's just easier to lay blame on someone or something else than to make changes.
Just do you and don't worry about what everyone else thinks. Who knows, maybe once you lose some of your weight and she sees you're still happy, she might join you.0 -
oh - she's not overweight at all. Just average for a woman her age (65 - but looks young for her age). She also has MS, Crohn's Disease and Emphysema (but still chain smokes). I get that she's not into healthy stuff, and has the hippy mentality "like me for who I am - flaws and all" - which is fine, but I don't want to live my life that way.
I'm really, really happy that I've gotten a handle of my health before it got out of hand I'd like to lose 40 pounds by my 42nd birthday in January. I know I can do it - but I might have to kinda pull myself back from her a bit so she won't try and sabotage my goals. 0 -
Some people are unsupportive! Get used to it.
"I'd rather enjoy..." Good for you. Freaking enjoy it and shut the hell up. It's the sour grapes thing. They can't get healthy, so they decide that doing what it takes would suck anyway.
I have two of these. "Well, I don't want to be a skinny mini." Well, at 350 pounds, there's not much chance of THAT, Drop 100 and you still won't even be close!! "I could never give up ice cream!" You didn't have to say it. Anyone who looks at you knows it.
It's so annoying, how they feel the need to put you down. But I PROMISE that when you're successful, they'll start bragging about you to others.0 -
Some people don't understand the choices, I get it all the time at work... he's lets go out here, let's go out there?
Umm no.0 -
In the beginning people will question why you are making choices that seem to be sacrifices. Once you achieve you goals they will wonder how you did it... they will be envious too... 0
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I an 100% on board with body positivity and accepting yourself for who you are!!
However, that being said, it is a great decision to decide to try and start getting healthy. The fact that other people don't understand about things like medical concerns and your own personal wishes does not mean you should stop what you're doing. In fact, if anything, other people's concerns should show you that since they're doing what they want without regard to your opinion about it, you should do what you want without regard to their opinion about it! If other people can't get on board with your new lifestyle change (and as someone at work told me yesterday, it really is a lifestyle change), then that's too bad for them. It doesn't mean you don't care about each other, it just means you have a different outlook on things.
As a personal example, I live with my sister who I love more than anyone in the world. We had a bit of an argument because we usually eat lunch and dinner together, but now she doesn't like what I want to make and says it's too expensive to make two meals. She's right, of course, she should eat the food she wants and it is too expensive for us to make more food than we need. And even though she also wants to eat healthier, she's not as into it as I am right now, and that can be hard. For example, we discussed making ziti, which I normally make and is her favorite meal. I usually put a pound of ground beef in it, but I'm trying to cut ground beef from my diet and use ground turkey instead. She doesn't want to put turkey instead of beef into the ziti, so I said I'd make it without meat, then make beef separately and she can have it in her portion. So, we're working out solutions that work for the both of us.
Not all of your friends and family have to be supportive, but that's okay. Do what makes you happy. 0 -
I don't think she wasn't being supportive, she just has a different point of view. You are making lifestyle changes and other people have to learn to adjust to that as well. If she is used to sitting around drinking cocktails when she visits with you, that is what she knows. Not everyone is going to cheer you on and give you a high five for your choices. I've learned that not expecting that from people helps me to not be disappointed when it doesn't happen.0
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Don't bother explaining yourself next time. It will fall on deaf ears and you will just end up as frustrated as you were writing this post ha. Sad that she thinks it's about finding a man. Those mentalities..0
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Maybe it's more about you rejecting the alcohol than about your change in lifestyle.
I've noticed that some of the people I know who drink a lot and often tend to get offended if I don't drink with them. I think this is more about their alcohol use than about my lack of alcohol use.
edited to add: I like beer just fine. Nothing against beer!0 -
She said "see - I'd rather be overweight than not enjoy my life"
Just let her know that not all people "enjoy life" in the same way. She "enjoys life" with food and alcohol. You "enjoy life" with fitness and health.0 -
I think it sounds like she just doesn't understand. SHE loves you the way you are, so she doesn't understand why you want to change. Don't sweat it. I have family members who call me "anorexic" and "psychotic" for counting calories. They actually uninvited me on a family trip to a theme park, citing "If you're going to care about calories then I don't want to go with you" as the reason. It hurts but you are doing this for yourself and you don't need to give so much thought to anyone who isn't supportive. It doesn't sound like she's doing it maliciously so try not to let it break your spirit!0
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Some people just don't get that it's not just about the weight and how you look. I feel so much better when I'm eating healthy foods. My body reacts differently, no heart burn, more energy...not to mention my mood is better and I have a more positive outlook generally.
People who don't want to change their lives will sometimes try to keep you on their level. It sounds like you handled it very well. Keep it up. We are all here to support you too.0 -
I think what I'm beginning to realize is that people who push food/alcohol/smokes or whatever on you when you're not doing their thing anymore probably are worried or feeling like you are judging them for living their life the way they live it.
Only you're not! You're just trying to live a better life!
I am practicing, but I think the next time someone puts a donut on my closed mouth or brings me a drink or a piece of cake when I've politely demurred I will say, "Sorry! Can't! Doctor's orders!" and leave it at that?
Still figuring this out.0 -
She said "see - I'd rather be overweight than not enjoy my life".
You say she's not overweight... but she "enjoys" smoking. Does she ENJOY her emphysema? Do people ENJOY their health problems?
Sadly, I had the same mentality as she does. Then I realized I wasn't ENJOYING my life that much after all. How can you compare temporary enjoyment (that was a REALLY GREAT CUPCAKE) with lasting enjoyment (I don't wheeze after a flight of stairs, and I can shop wherever I want, and I can fit into this amusement park ride, and I can play with my kids/grandkids, etc.)?
You've made the right choice for yourself. She'll adjust. Maybe you can find other ways to have fun with her that don't involve food or alcohol, such as movies, plays, shopping, a long drive...?0 -
I wasn't ENJOYING my life that much after all. How can you compare temporary enjoyment (that was a REALLY GREAT CUPCAKE) with lasting enjoyment
This really sums it up for me.
I don't feel deprived at the end of the day, I don't stare at food longingly while others enjoy it, I don't go around saying "well I can't eat THAT because I'm on a DIET!" I've actually been doing this lifestyle change on the downlow and only told her because she kept pushing me to drink a vodka cocktail lolol
I don't expect a high five. I would have been nice if she had said "ah ok - more vodka for me!" but I kinda felt like a 7th grader getting peer pressured into smoking pot for the first time :drinker:0 -
It seems many people believe that making a change in your life must mean you don't like who you are. Perhaps they assume that deep down you must feel that you just aren't 'good enough.' And that very well may be true for some, but not all people.
I believe that it's also VERY possible to decide to make a change because you deserve it. Because you ARE worth the effort and you are totally good enough to have/meet any goal that you set.
Don't let anyone else distract you from your path.0 -
My dad is this to me ... Not about alcohol, but food.
He wants to take me out to eat at least once a week and makes me feel bad when I choose wisely (like a salad). He thinks now that he's restricted on where he can take my grandmother and I out just because of my choices. So, I can totally understand and relate to this!
Stick to your guns. You're doing this for you, not them.0 -
I recently found pictures of myself from when my son was 4 months old. I was super skinny again (I weighed 113 when I found out I was pregnant) I felt really good about how I looked and was excited for my husband to come home from deployment to see how much I had lost (the baby was 5 weeks old when he left). I sent the pic to a friend & said why can't I be close to this skinny again??? Obviously I know that I won't be that skinny again, it was 8 years ago and my body shape has changed, but my goal weight is 125-120 so pretty close to what I was then. Her response was "because that's gross skinny!" She's overweight and has told me shes struggled with her weight her entire life but just accepts it bc she doesn't want to work out or give up eating whatever she wants. She was a 24/26 and is down to 12/14 now. At first I was offended and kinda hurt by what she said bc I felt good about myself at that weight. But then I started thinking...she doesn't know what it's like to be skinny and struggle with weight gain, just like I don't know what it's like to be overweight and to lose a lot. At the end of the day I'm losing weight for myself...I want to feel and look good, I want to not be self conscious when I go to the beach with all the skinny surfer girls, I want my husband to be proud of me and the weight that I lost, I want my son to know a healthy lifestyle. I always tell my son "worry about yourself" and have found it applies in most of life...not just me telling him to mind his business!0
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Some people take other people's changes as an affront to their own lifestyle, whether they're willing to admit it or not. The best thing you can do is politely declined her invitations to indulge without explanation unless she really digs for it.
Part of the process is realizing that not everybody will understand and/support what you are doing.0 -
"I'd rather be X than not enjoy life"
Answer: "I am totally enjoying my life, so no worries! It may not be enjoyable for you - but it is for me, so you enjoy <insert whatever is on the conversational table here> and I'm happy for you!"
If they get shirty after that, a quick "hey, I'm totally not judging you, don't think that because *I* choose to do this means that I think everyone around me should. You be your own awesome self!"
And if they still don't get it.
Eff 'em.0 -
I don't know. I'm not sure she was being unsupportive. I think it's more about the experience than the food. In her mind, good times with you is sitting around talking with a cocktail in hand. Or having fun in a bbq. It's more about the comfort feeling than the food (I think). And also, obviously, her thought process is way different from yours and she does not appreciate weight loss as much as you do.
I have a huge family and traditions are built around food. This food for this occasion and that food for that. I realized a while ago that it made everybody sad if I did not participate or declined.
It's tough, but nowadays my strategy is to serve myself (rather than someone else pouring it out for me), take a very tiny amount and sit with that for a really long time. I'l leave the wine glass on the counter and walk around or do something else, and mostly no one notices that I am not eating or drinking. I am participating, and that's what counts for them.0 -
Keep strong with that! Before you know it family and friends will just learn to accept it! :-) Cut out alot of LIQUOR and the pounds dropped! Good job!0
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. Perhaps they assume that deep down you must feel that you just aren't 'good enough.' And that very well may be true for some, but not all people.
I believe that it's also VERY possible to decide to make a change because you deserve it. Because you ARE worth the effort and you are totally good enough to have/meet any goal that you set.
This is very true as well. She made it seem like I was hating on myself, all the while I was saying "I want to be healthy and live a long healthy life"
I think I'm totally good enough and think I'm worth the effort and also can make reasonable goals for myself and acheive them. Some women are perfectly happy being overweight and don't mind the issues that can be associated with it. But I'm for sure not one of them :happy:0 -
some people just don't get it.. don't stress it! this is for YOU, not her or anyone else. if it bothers her then too bad.0
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Absolutely. I think some of it is jealousy over being able to take control of yourself and do what needs to be done. If someone else isnt ready to take that step, it'll often come across as animosity towards your lifestyle. Try to tune them out. They have their own journey, and you have yours.0
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