Jealous

Josalinn
Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
in Motivation and Support
That's what it comes down to. I have rewritten this post so many times now because of how "poor me" it sounded. And after the last rewrite, I determined the major theme that I was dancing around is that I am Jealous of my boyfriend. I tried to spin it as him being annoying or oblivious to my self esteem.

I am cranky because over the past year he has lost 3x as much weight as I have and has gone down to shirt sizes. He is rightly proud of himself and I am proud of him as well. But when he goes on about how much weight he has lost and how little effort it took him to do so, I can't help but feel jealous and discouraged. He eats twice as much as I do, miscounts his calories (his guestimates are so far off!), and he works out by rock climbing for only 2 hours 3 times a week. ***Nothing against rock climbing, but it is not for me as my main form of exercise. I join him on the weekends when I visit, but we are starting the rotating schedule since I am back in school. He moved 2 hours south of me for his job.

I try to stick to roughly 1400 cal a week, and 3 times a week I lift heavy for 40 mins and swim for 20 mins (working on getting that up though). I try so much harder and only seem to see results when I forget to eat and realize later I was eating at 900 cal.

So I am frustrated and resentful, and it's not pretty. But that is what it is, no spin. I don't want to share with him about my progress. I feel like it isn't noticeable so why bother bragging on myself?

sorry for the post, but I needed to vent. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he all he says "its a slow process" and I feel like he doesn't understand really because for him it happened by accident not design.
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Replies

  • kkimpel
    kkimpel Posts: 303 Member
    I understand.. it is annoying when people think their way of losing it is the same for everyone. Metabolism works very different for men than women and for different age groups.

    Be happy for him .. and don't let him judge how much weight you should be losing when.. Normally, my sweetie loses weight a lot faster than I do... short term, but long term I generally lose more... then gain more.. then lose more

    That was then.. now, I'm just going to maintain.. :)
  • Flab2Fab27
    Flab2Fab27 Posts: 461 Member
    These issues are your own. It's not your partners fault that you haven't lost more weight. You should both be supportive of each other including each others successes, not jealous or resentful for petty reasons.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,744 Member
    Good for you first of all for identifying the real issue: jealousy. We all have it at one time or another and in this case it is difficult because 1) the disparity between men and women and the way they lose weight and 2) you are with him all the time and cannot really escape it.

    But, as someone else said, keep it simple: be happy for him and his achievements and be just as proud (if not more) of your own regardless of how they "compare"! You cannot compare apples and oranges. Be happy with yourself and take care of yourself, whether anyone else shares your joy or not.

    And, I can somewhat understand because of the way my husband is. Thankfully, I don't eat meat, nor do I want to, nor am I a big eater, etc. but he is one of those people who can eat a pound of bacon in one day (1/2 a lb. for breakfast and the other 1/2 on either BLT's or hamburgers for dinner) and not gain an ounce. I don't envy him. I wouldn't ever want to eat like that, but I can see how someone else might and living amidst that type of thing would be hard. So, look at the positive: at least your BF is being healthy!
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    Great job recognizing what you are truly feeling. Why do you feel the need to compare to him? Dig deep! :D Over come this and develop some new insight.

    I know I have struggled with jealousy in the past. Often, we get jealous because we feel threatened in some way. Do you fear he will get more attention and leave you? Do you feel like your spot-light is being taken away?
  • meemo88
    meemo88 Posts: 436 Member
    relax @ Flab2Fab27
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
    ahhh...I hear ya >_<

    But I gotta tell ya....you're being irrational.

    I know it's not fair....and when my husband makes a plate for me that is especially calorific, I used to get realllllly pissed off.

    He fed me a salad last week that after I logged, I found was 900 calories.

    900 CALORIES PEOPLE!!!

    That's half my calorie allotment for the day....he needed to make calories & didn't think for a second that I get 2/3 of what he gets. At first I was furious, because of course I logged it after I ate it. I got over it though 'cause with that many calories at one sitting (low carb diet) I didn't want anything to eat for hourrrrrrrs.

    I know this isn't going to help you much, but life isn't fair. Play the hand you're dealt. Build muscle & you'll increase your caloric needs & be able to eat more.

    Focus on you & what you need to do for yourself & stop letting this make you crazy.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    @kkimpel, He doesn't judge me. He is extremely supportive, but I just get frustrated when in one breath he says it's slow and then in another says he lost so much weight by basically doing nothing, and then tries to tell me how to go about it. I don't have as much flex room as he does. And I am happy for him. He looks great, I personally don't think he needs to lose any more weight. He's 5'11" and around 180 pounds. I took him clothes shopping for the new shirts. It was rather frustrating trying to find shirts though in his new size (after going through about every combination of neck and chest and cut before finding his new size) and a color that he liked. He refuses to wear pastels, but wanted to go shopping in July. LOL. It's all pastels!

    @Flab2Fab27, Yes I get these are my issues, as I stated. Through the drafts, I worked that out that I'm not really mad at him but at myself and I am simply frustrated. Should I want to include him? Yes. Does that change how I feel? No.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    Do you fear he will get more attention and leave you?

    If I am truly honest, this creeps into my mind on the really bad days. IT shouldn't. We've been together for almost 9 years. Part of the fear comes from when before we were dating and just great friends because I was my slenderest then. I weighed in at 130, but I had weighed 145 before and dropped the weight by basically not eating. He wasn't aware of how I lost the weight but still says I looked my best at that weight. I then rocketed to 160 and have been yo-yoing between 145 and 170 since. He has been with me for most of this, so I shouldn't have any anxiety over the possibility that he might leave because he isn't going anywhere. He's proven that. But it still creeps in.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Feelings are not good or bad. They just are and it seems that you recognize that. I hope that you can find some peace soon.
    One thing you could do is stop talking about your weight loss work so much when you are see him on the weekends. After all, weight loss is a personal journey and you want the weekends to focus on the good things that you share.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    OP, I'm jealous of plenty of people on this site. They're more ambitious, eat more and lose, lost more weight than me in less time, have a lifting routine, can eat certain foods I can't, etc.. I know it's my problem and not theirs. Owning up to it is hard. I get what you mean.
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    One thing you could do is stop talking about your weight loss work so much when you are see him on the weekends.

    This is kinda what I've decided to do. At least until I start to see the changes in something not scale related.

    Thanks for all the support. I have a hard time admitting to negative qualities in myself and this is a big one. But it was starting to eat me up inside and I needed to tell "someone" even if "someone" is a large public forum I don't have anyone else going though this journey, except for my BF, and I just wanted to feel like others understood and that I'm not the only one visited by the jealousy monster.
  • lizzybathory
    lizzybathory Posts: 229
    I'd suggest being supportive and happy for him about his progress, but also making sure he knows how you feel about it. Maybe you feel like he's rubbing it in when he keeps on talking about his success? You can be a little resentful of his attitude towards it and still be happy for his success. Maybe he could be a little more sensitive towards how challenging you've found it, when he's talking about his success.

    I get the same way with run training and my husband. We both train for the same 10k every year, on more or less the same schedule, but he usually gets to a comfortable point where the runs are easy on him much sooner than I do. There are always several weeks where he says things like "Those 5 miles flew by! I'm feeling so great! I think I'll go for 6 miles next time!" when I come through the door sweating buckets and wanting to die after three miles. I'm so happy for him that his training is having such good results, but it makes me feel bad about my own progress when he goes on and on about it. If he just lays off the go-me-rah-rah talk a little bit, I find it much easier to handle our differences. I just think it's a sh!tty topic of conversation when he's doing so much better than I am.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    :flowerforyou:

    ((hugs))

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm glad you felt safe to do so. I hope you get responses that help you get to a feeling of "I'm on a different path as him and my timetable is just as valid as his." I really really hope this because I've gone through something similar. Except in my case it is absolutely all his fault and Paleo is the DEVIL:devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: :devil: ...the end. :devil: :wink:
  • BITEME_GRRR
    BITEME_GRRR Posts: 150 Member
    dude..............
    you lost 42 lbs!!!!!!!!!!

    SO go YOU!

    Just re group. Find out whats causing you to fail and get back in there. Try Cycling your calories (one day eat 1900 the next 1300, etc) keep it at a deficit but range it from 500-300 beneath your TDEE.

    Forget about what he does. My boyfriend is a skinny twig its unfair and annoying but ultimately I am in great shape and can run long distances than he can.
    Try not to compare - just do your thang :)
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    I'd suggest being supportive and happy for him about his progress, but also making sure he knows how you feel about it. Maybe you feel like he's rubbing it in when he keeps on talking about his success? You can be a little resentful of his attitude towards it and still be happy for his success. Maybe he could be a little more sensitive towards how challenging you've found it, when he's talking about his success.

    I get the same way with run training and my husband. We both train for the same 10k every year, on more or less the same schedule, but he usually gets to a comfortable point where the runs are easy on him much sooner than I do. There are always several weeks where he says things like "Those 5 miles flew by! I'm feeling so great! I think I'll go for 6 miles next time!" when I come through the door sweating buckets and wanting to die after three miles. I'm so happy for him that his training is having such good results, but it makes me feel bad about my own progress when he goes on and on about it. If he just lays off the go-me-rah-rah talk a little bit, I find it much easier to handle our differences. I just think it's a sh!tty topic of conversation when he's doing so much better than I am.

    Yes its this exactly. Thank you for finding the words I couldn't, or maybe felt too guilty admitting to. How does your husband take it when you talk to him about laying off the rah-rah stuff?
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    dude..............
    you lost 42 lbs!!!!!!!!!!

    Try not to compare - just do your thang :)

    No, but thanks for the excitement. That's 42 pounds "To Go." I've was at 168 and now I'm at 156. So I have lost 12 pounds.

    But I will tell you when I get to goal!:drinker:
  • lizzybathory
    lizzybathory Posts: 229
    I'd suggest being supportive and happy for him about his progress, but also making sure he knows how you feel about it. Maybe you feel like he's rubbing it in when he keeps on talking about his success? You can be a little resentful of his attitude towards it and still be happy for his success. Maybe he could be a little more sensitive towards how challenging you've found it, when he's talking about his success.

    I get the same way with run training and my husband. We both train for the same 10k every year, on more or less the same schedule, but he usually gets to a comfortable point where the runs are easy on him much sooner than I do. There are always several weeks where he says things like "Those 5 miles flew by! I'm feeling so great! I think I'll go for 6 miles next time!" when I come through the door sweating buckets and wanting to die after three miles. I'm so happy for him that his training is having such good results, but it makes me feel bad about my own progress when he goes on and on about it. If he just lays off the go-me-rah-rah talk a little bit, I find it much easier to handle our differences. I just think it's a sh!tty topic of conversation when he's doing so much better than I am.

    Yes its this exactly. Thank you for finding the words I couldn't, or maybe felt too guilty admitting to. How does your husband take it when you talk to him about laying off the rah-rah stuff?

    I'll let you know when I get to that, haha. I feel like such a downer telling him (nicely) to shut up about it that I just do my best to avoid it and change the topic. :/ I should probably try being a big girl about it pretty soon, huh.
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    I'd suggest being supportive and happy for him about his progress, but also making sure he knows how you feel about it. Maybe you feel like he's rubbing it in when he keeps on talking about his success? You can be a little resentful of his attitude towards it and still be happy for his success. Maybe he could be a little more sensitive towards how challenging you've found it, when he's talking about his success.

    I get the same way with run training and my husband. We both train for the same 10k every year, on more or less the same schedule, but he usually gets to a comfortable point where the runs are easy on him much sooner than I do. There are always several weeks where he says things like "Those 5 miles flew by! I'm feeling so great! I think I'll go for 6 miles next time!" when I come through the door sweating buckets and wanting to die after three miles. I'm so happy for him that his training is having such good results, but it makes me feel bad about my own progress when he goes on and on about it. If he just lays off the go-me-rah-rah talk a little bit, I find it much easier to handle our differences. I just think it's a sh!tty topic of conversation when he's doing so much better than I am.

    Yes its this exactly. Thank you for finding the words I couldn't, or maybe felt too guilty admitting to. How does your husband take it when you talk to him about laying off the rah-rah stuff?

    I'll let you know when I get to that, haha. I feel like such a downer telling him (nicely) to shut up about it that I just do my best to avoid it and change the topic. :/ I should probably try being a big girl about it pretty soon, huh.

    Just curious...has anyone ever tried replying to a braggart husband with "Oh yeah , well I got these!" *boobflash*

    Cause I've been tempted once or twice.
  • stealthq
    stealthq Posts: 4,298 Member
    I'm trying to figure out how rock climbing for 2 hrs, 3 times a week is doing 'nothing'. That burns serious calories. Not 900 cals/hr the way some websites have it unless he's flying up the cliff, but probably somewhere around half of that. No wonder he can lose weight and not estimate accurately. If he's in the ballpark his exercise will make up for it.

    On the other hand, you're lifting, which is great to maintain LBM, but doesn't burn much. Then there's 20min of swimming that again, doesn't burn much. So of course you have to watch what you eat even more closely and are losing more slowly.

    I get why you feel jealous, but try to appreciate that he is putting in a ton of work and it is paying off. Maybe it doesn't seem that way because he enjoys rock climbing, while you're not enjoying your exercise? Maybe find an activity that you really like doing and can spend more time doing (therefore burning more calories with less mental effort)?
  • Josalinn
    Josalinn Posts: 1,066 Member
    By doing nothing, I guess I mean that adding the rock climbing is really all he has done to change. Rock climbing when you are on the wall is a good work out, but he also belays his friends, which doesn't burn much and there is a lot of waiting for the good routes to open up.

    I don't see too much difference between heavy lifting and rock climbing. Lifting, sure you don't burn a lot during it, but you you burn longer because it is building muscle. And I really don't get how you can say swimming isn't burning a lot. It's cardio and resistance work.

    As for finding an exercise I really enjoy, I have. I absolutely love lifting and I love swimming. After a good workout I feel on top of the world.

    And now its time for class. Yay.
  • radio_head
    radio_head Posts: 3
    I totally understand how you feel. My bf also lost weight accidentally around 20lbs in the span of a few months while I struggled to get the scale to go down. It doesn't seem fair that we try so hard but they can just stumble into into it. But like others said try to talk to him about bringing the topic up so much. Maybe by not being so privy to his specific numbers can you help you focus on yours. Good luck
  • rose1617
    rose1617 Posts: 469 Member
    Oh I get the husband go me rah rah issue.

    When I was training to be a police officer (never did, just trained for it for a while), I'd do 4-5 mile runs all the time and my husband would go with me occasionally. He would literally RUN CIRCLES AROUND ME because he was so much faster at running.

    Had that conversation with him - it didn't go well. He hasn't run with me since (it's been probably 4 years and I still run about 600 miles/year). That can be hard for anyone to hear and it will more than likely just make him feel like you don't support him. It would take an incredibly secure person to hear that and actually hear what's being said rather than what they think you are saying, and anyone in a weight loss program is likely not that secure. Heck, I know I wouldn't be.

    I give you MAJOR props for knowing what the real issue is and for being brave enough to post about it. That's what these forums are for and we are all here for you!
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    You really just have to focus on you, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. Men and women have different metabolisms and different caloric needs. Also, I don't understand why you say he only works our 2 hours, 3 times a week. That's quite a bit and rock climbing is tough. That's the same as working out an hour a day, for 6 days straight. So, really, you are doing half as much even though it doesn't seem or feel like it.

    Focus on your needs. Take it day by day. Talk to him about your feelings.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,030 Member
    If you aren't doing the right things, then you have no reason to be jealous. "Forgetting" to eat isn't an excuse to use. Comparing yourself to him isn't obviously good for you either. Compare yourself to yourself previously. That's where true progression is gauged.

    A.C.E. Certified Group Fitness and Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    He been with you 9 years. I sure he does notice your yo yo weights. Plus a 5 pound fat loss for example is very noticeable on people usually. Also not everyone needs to count calories to get to there weight goal.
  • Unknown
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  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    He been with you 9 years. I sure he does notice your yo yo weights. Plus a 5 pound fat loss for example is very noticeable on people usually. Also not everyone needs to count calories to get to there weight goal.

    WUT?
  • Blacklance36
    Blacklance36 Posts: 755 Member
    He been with you 9 years. I sure he does notice your yo yo weights. Plus a 5 pound fat loss for example is very noticeable on people usually. Also not everyone needs to count calories to get to there weight goal.

    Most people do not notice a 5 lb. weight loss. JMO
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    He been with you 9 years. I sure he does notice your yo yo weights. Plus a 5 pound fat loss for example is very noticeable on people usually. Also not everyone needs to count calories to get to there weight goal.

    WUT?

    Basically people notice when people lose weight and gain weight?
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    He been with you 9 years. I sure he does notice your yo yo weights. Plus a 5 pound fat loss for example is very noticeable on people usually. Also not everyone needs to count calories to get to there weight goal.

    WUT?

    Basically people notice when people lose weight and gain weight?

    5 pounds is not substantial enough for people to notice. I can swing 5 pounds in a week and no one would know the difference.

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