Ex wife issues/questions

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ismatts
ismatts Posts: 62
in Chit-Chat
Hello,

My divorce was finalized on January 3rd of this year. I still get random text messages from my ex wife about what she is doing throughout the day. She is the one that wanted the divorce, and lost the "spark" we once had. I said ok, if you are not happy here, I wouldnt want you to stay for anything. Who wants to live in misery.

For those of you that are divorced, is this normal? I do not call/text communicate with her on anything personal, and only if it has to do with the kids. I do sometimes respond to her text messages as I still do love her, but I find that with her continuing to communicate with me, it is making it more difficult to move on and keep trying to find myself.

Any ideas on what she is thinking by doing this to me? and yes, i have asked her to stop.

thank you.
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Replies

  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
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    I don't really have any answer as to WHY she is doing it, but I can tell you that my husband's ex did the SAME thing when they got divorced. She was the one who wanted the divorce and the one who filed, but after it was finalized she continued to text and/or call him to talk. She would always come up with an excuse as to why she was calling or texting (example: "Hey, did you know Tommy's brother is in jail?) and did not stop doing it until my husband and I got engaged.
  • sexylonglegs
    sexylonglegs Posts: 278
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    No, it's not normal. Sounds to me like she is missing you and regretting the decision of divorce. Just tell her "nicely" that she needs to move on, and so do you.

    Are children involved?
  • ismatts
    ismatts Posts: 62
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    Yes, She has one son from a previous relationship, and her and I had 2 sons together.

    When we are around each other, she is not cold to me, but never gives any indication she is regretting her decision.

    Dont get me wrong, i did not ask for the divorce, and I am not sure I could go back to someone who turned their back to something I thought was a lifelong commitment.

    I do need to move on....
  • Balkissoonr
    Balkissoonr Posts: 4
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    I don't think that it's so much that she is missing you, but the routine. My ex and I went through the same thing. You just have to explain to her that you don't want the contact anymore.
  • millermichellelea
    millermichellelea Posts: 226
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    Totally normal....don't reply. I did that with my ex when I got lonely......sad but true. She is sending them when she is bored or starting to miss you. It will wear off and will just mess with your feelings. Delete them for your own well being.
  • spacecase76
    spacecase76 Posts: 673 Member
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    I have been RE-married for over 6 years, and until last summer still got the occasional "chit-chat" text or phone call. He was married a 2nd time, and divorced a 2nd time, and is engaged a 3RD time! When she moved in, it finally tapered off.

    I am hoping this one sticks around, lol
  • o2blori
    o2blori Posts: 168 Member
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    I had this same thing. Then I watched a chick flick called The Holiday and it changed my view. Some people just like knowing they still have the power. Like they can contact you whenever they want to, and you'll respond. Kinda like having their pie and eating it too. This is where the friendly or not so friendly ultimatum needs to come into play. Hope it gets better for you. Take it easy!
  • jmmtaylor
    jmmtaylor Posts: 225
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    How long were you guys married? Was it a fairly calm divorce? There are many couples that get divorced but they stay friends, maybe she is hoping that you guys can remain friends? Also, even if she is the one that wanted it everything is all new to her too. Depending on how long you were together, she might not know what to do about not having you around anymore.
  • ckmama
    ckmama Posts: 1,668 Member
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    I don't know how long ya'lll were married for, but i wouldn't say it is completely abnormal. I mean you were probably her best friend someone she told every thing too. That takes some getting used too.

    Sort of like when a person dies and something happens you go to pick up the phone to tell them, but then you remember they aren't here anymore.

    The only thing is you are still here for her to talk to. I wouldn't respond to them or respond less and less and eventually you will be replaced by another BFF.
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    Just ignore her texts unless it relates to the kids. She probably is missing the routine of having you to talk to and share her day. You definitely need to move on. I have been divorced for 18 years and when my dad passed away last May my ex was upset that I didn't call him and then wanted to talk about his regrets about our past. Remember that you deserve to be treated well and don't settle for less than that.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
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    Yes, She has one son from a previous relationship, and her and I had 2 sons together.

    When we are around each other, she is not cold to me, but never gives any indication she is regretting her decision.

    Dont get me wrong, i did not ask for the divorce, and I am not sure I could go back to someone who turned their back to something I thought was a lifelong commitment.

    I do need to move on....

    Do not go back. I'm at the end of finalizing my divorce (I left him). He calls and texts me every few weeks...he cheated and I found out about it. We have one child together and it is not worth the heart ache of trying to get back together. Once a cheater always a cheater in my oppinion. I love him dearly but my life and sanity is more important that him wanting a booty call or him having regrets. You need to talk with her calmly and tell her it is time to move on. Speak of the children only during phone calls. They need both parents if possible....but they do not need to think that you and she will get back together, it will only cause more issues later on.
  • ismatts
    ismatts Posts: 62
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    We were together for 13 years, married for 6 of them. The divorce was settled with no lawyers and absolutely no arguing. We always did get along great and the day she told me she was not happy, I was 100% dumbfounded. She sure put on a good show.
  • yellowfairy
    yellowfairy Posts: 207 Member
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    Just tell her unless it has to do with the kids, then it is best if you both kept your distance from each other. You will thank yourself later.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    My ex-boyfriend did something like that. The breakup was mostly his idea, and he started dating someone else immediately, but he'd email me, call me, visit me at work, brought me chocolate on Valentine's Day, and even ASKED ME FOR DATING ADVICE when he hit bumpy patches with his new girlfriend! :laugh:

    My theory is that he was a very dependent person who couldn't bear to be alone. Talking to me was just a habit. Once I started dating someone else, he wanted to get back together, but by then I was 200% over him.
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
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    My ex and I went through it from both sides. We were bestfriends for 4+ years, then things between us got ugly. He was the one who decided to end things, but still wanted me (his bestfriend) in his life. I tried, but didn't take it so well when another girl (part of the reason we split) became his girlfriend. It took about a year, and we are now friends again, but on a very limited basis. I keep my distance from him, because I am happily married, and our significan others both have issues with us being friends. I generally only call him for one of his moms recipies or for help on a video game. You do need to tell her, again, that she needs to stop. It's more stress on you and will make it harder to move on. I'm sorry for this misfortune, things will get better. Good luck.
  • atomiclauren
    atomiclauren Posts: 689 Member
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    Not divorced here, but a close eyewitness of a divorcée where the marriage was about 30 years. All I can say is post-divorce is the time to re-establish yourselves and move on. If she's texting like that, ask her to not. If she won't comply, ignore them somehow (some phones can do this, sometimes changing your number is the only way). If you have mutual things you are responsible for, there are other ways to communicate (a mediated setting is the best bet). It can be a slippery slope, so put your foot down!
  • ismatts
    ismatts Posts: 62
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    My ex and I went through it from both sides. We were bestfriends for 4+ years, then things between us got ugly. He was the one who decided to end things, but still wanted me (his bestfriend) in his life. I tried, but didn't take it so well when another girl (part of the reason we split) became his girlfriend. It took about a year, and we are now friends again, but on a very limited basis. I keep my distance from him, because I am happily married, and our significan others both have issues with us being friends. I generally only call him for one of his moms recipies or for help on a video game. You do need to tell her, again, that she needs to stop. It's more stress on you and will make it harder to move on. I'm sorry for this misfortune, things will get better. Good luck.

    Yes, One thing that I thought was crazy, is the fact that we really nave no communication issues and we are/were best friends and she does tell me certain things about her personal life. I do not think she is dating anyone and I do not think she has had "relations" with anyone since we last did.
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
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    It is really tough! You can still be friends, however you both need some time to heal and move on before it will work without someone getting hurt more. Its good for your kids sake that you are on good terms. From personal experience your love will probably never go away, but over time can change. You may just need to sit down with her face to face and explain that you need some space away from her before you can be her friend.
  • MISTTIMI
    MISTTIMI Posts: 53
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    I'm certainly no expert on these situations, but when I read your post the first thing that came to mind was this; Some people are unhappy and they don't know why, So they look at their partner and decide that's the problem, they get a divorce and then in the weeks/months that follow they realize they are still unhappy, So, deep down they may regret the split but have too much pride to admit it openly, so they call and carry on as if nothing has changed. In your case if you are really "done" and want to move on, I would not answer the texts or engage in any communication except when your son's are involved, otherwise if getting back together appeals to you, then talking and communicating as much as possible would probably lead to reconcile. Good Luck!
  • rthompson81
    rthompson81 Posts: 305 Member
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    It's totally normal. My ex-husband and I did it to each other off and on for 5 years. I still get the random text from him. I tell him to pay attention to his family and kids, BUT I look at it this way: In some weird way it confirms all of those questions in my head when we got divorced of whether he ever really cared about me. He did. We just don't work together. And we're human, and even if something is logically not working, there are still emotions involved. Good luck, and hang in there!

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