Difficulty with Moderation (ED Trigger Warning?)

Kaelakcr
Kaelakcr Posts: 505 Member
in Food and Nutrition
I just need to rant for a moment.

I injured my foot in March, and since then pretty much every step is agony. I have Fibromyalgia on top of that, so I'm basically in pain and exhausted all the time. I'm also anorexic. I went through recovery in 2012, and have successfully maintained a healthy diet since then. However, my fibro medication causes weight gain, and with my lowered movement ability, I have had to restrict my diet to lose weight.

When I lower my intake, it feels like I'm out of control. I am working hard at getting at least 1000 calories but I can feel the old desires and actions creeping in. I haven't been succeeding lately. Yesterday, if I hadn't have had a couple glasses of wine, I wouldn't have hit my goal. I'm so frustrated, depressed, and fed up. My podiatrist said I might need to have surgery on my foot, further reducing my movement and putting me in more pain. I'm struggling so hard. I just don't know what to do. I want to lose weight. I want to do it in a healthy way. But I don't know how I'm supposed to do that without being able to move.

Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, I have anti-depressants. But they can only do so much. And I couldn't stand being at a "high weight" (for me) any longer. I hated my body. Hated it. I am already feeling more confident at my lower weight, but it feels like, even with 7 more pounds lost, I won't be looking good enough. Now my mental goals are lowered again. Now I want to be 125, not 130. This is the slippery slope I'm on.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I've been under an ungodly amount of stress in the last three or more months...more like the last year...and anorexia was always my control mechanism. It made me feel "better" in a terribly seductive way.

Replies

  • Springfield1970
    Springfield1970 Posts: 1,945 Member
    I'm sorry for your woes.

    I know these feelings, the only thing that stops me panicking is that I now know my maintenance figure.

    I feel safe when I hit the number. I am confident that I'm nit under eating or overeating.

    I'm recovering from surgery and my health anxiety has been back this summer. I tend to avoid alcohol at these times, as it is a known depressive, and actually deters health rather than help you recover. If your maintenance is say...between 1600-2000 while you are inactive, you really can't afford to not be filling up with protein, carbs, fats, and high nutrient food. It will strengthen your mind so you can strengthen your body.

    One day when you're old you will look back at your photos and see just how beautiful you are, and such a lovely figure. Please enjoy it, time passes so quickly, and there is so much fun to be had. Throw those womens magazines out and stop being influenced by the fashion and beauty industries idea of how we should look.
  • mandez19
    mandez19 Posts: 179
    This all sounds very difficult to manage mentally and physically and I hope you get through this tough time in a better place.

    If you step back and are able to see the big picture - your life on a timeline - a few of these things can be reduced to moments in your life. If you can focus on a preferred state 1 year from now and see yourself with a healed foot, at your perfect maintenance weight like Springfield talks about, and therefore hopefully satisfied mentally with your body and over all fitness - then you have the mental tools to achieve that.

    Don't allow a specifically tough time in your life determine how the rest of your life will be. You are a stunningly beautiful young woman and need to be aware of that. Whether or not you are 125, 130, 135, etc.. it is irrelevant. You need to feel good, and that can't be based solely on a number on the scale.
  • Kaelakcr
    Kaelakcr Posts: 505 Member
    I'm sorry you're able to relate! But thank you for your message. :)

    I'm not really sure what I should be eating, to be honest. I feel like my medications screw with my metabolism and the way my body processes food (weight gain is a very, VERY common side effect of Lyrica and a couple of my other meds). I feel like I'm just flailing around, trying to find the right place for me. Additionally, my hormones are mildly screwed up in a way that makes my body retain fat. But it's not high enough to necessarily require MORE medication. So that adds to the confusion and stress.

    I wasn't over-eating before, but I was still gaining weight. I ate what felt right, and probably was what I would normally need to eat. I certainly wasn't eating more than 2000 calories!

    As for alcohol...I like wine; I like the way it tastes, I like the way it makes my food taste, I like how it relieves my pain, and how, in moderation, it helps me get to sleep. I can easily not drink, and I often do. But it's nice to unwind with a cold, refreshing cider, or a mellow wine. I do understand that it's a depressant, and I guess I'm afraid that cutting it out will feel more like a restriction than a beneficial move. I wouldn't drink when recovering from surgery, obviously, and I don't drink every day. I just happened to have a glass of wine.

    I've been drinking more than usual in the past week because my 6 month old kitten just died unexpectedly. My roommates and I have been hanging out and trying to let go of the tears and sadness. Apart from that, I have moderate usage. Substances are something I've never had a problem moderating. :)

    I have been working on finding the right place but with everything else happening I just want to stop eating and curl up and cry.
  • Kaelakcr
    Kaelakcr Posts: 505 Member
    If you step back and are able to see the big picture - your life on a timeline - a few of these things can be reduced to moments in your life. If you can focus on a preferred state 1 year from now and see yourself with a healed foot, at your perfect maintenance weight like Springfield talks about, and therefore hopefully satisfied mentally with your body and over all fitness - then you have the mental tools to achieve that.

    Don't allow a specifically tough time in your life determine how the rest of your life will be. You are a stunningly beautiful young woman and need to be aware of that. Whether or not you are 125, 130, 135, etc.. it is irrelevant. You need to feel good, and that can't be based solely on a number on the scale.

    Thank you, this is a helpful thing to think about. It's hard for me to look forward in a healthy way. I tend to let my anxiety take over and start playing an epic game of "what if" and basically "iffing" myself to death. What made me start losing weight was the fear that, even eating normally, I was going to keep gaining weight on my medication. I got near the 150 mark and it broke me. I couldn't do that.

    I should really start doing affirmations again. It helps me remember that the number doesn't matter. I have been good about not obsessively weighing. But I can't really see myself clearly (all I can see is a huge body) so I kind of rely on the number to tell me where I am.

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