i don't judge obese people
rayonrainbows
Posts: 423 Member
this is the tread we need here, on this forum where most all of us have the common goals of making positive changes for our bodies and out lives.
i saw the thread "i judge obese people" -- and i read it. and i felt awful. that sickly UGH shudder deep inside that i feel when i see violence or other prejudices. i know it's just one person's experience and projections, misplaced and possibly partially misinterpreted on an internet forum. but i felt the pain and frustrations of those who read that forum post, and received yet another kick in the confidence.. one more reminder of the painful judgments they've experienced.
we don't need that negativity -- there's enough of that in the world already. MFP can be a wonderful community because we have the opportunity to connect with other people who are experiencing similar struggles, setbacks, and hopefully successes. there are a ton of different opinions here, which is great. a ton of people with difference experiences, in different stages of their fitness journeys. but MFP should be a safe place of support and encouragement. maybe some tough love too, if it's asked for. but always understanding. and always compassion.
i was obese at one point. i was young and didn't know better. that's my reason. that's my excuse. some people's reasons for straying from the "normal" weight category (both obese and underweight) are deeper and more complex and painful than anything i could ever imagine. the reasons are plenty and varied, and everyone has a story.
we can list some potential reasons. it might be helpful to have concrete causal scenarios in the backs of our heads next time we encounter someone who is different from us. depression and medication are common. stress and unimaginable trauma. addiction and habit and hopelessness. etc. cycles build upon themselves, and breaking free from destructive cycles is harder for some than for others.
but no matter the reason, people are people. they are struggling with their issues, big and small, just like the rest of us. they are complex beings, who are more than a number on a scale and way more than whatever you see in the small moment you interact with them.
if understanding and compassion are too difficult for you, try. then try harder. they're two of the best qualities we are capable of having and sharing with other people (and animals, &etc). and if you truly can't see beyond your own experiences far enough to appreciate our differences, maybe just fake it 'til you make it. something, anything, other than projecting your negative judgments onto others who are here looking for support.
for those of you who were hurt by the other forum post, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the OP and i'm sorry for the rest of society that has judged to the point where one more forum post is just the tip of the iceberg. i'm sorry for myself and all the times i haven't been the understanding person i want to be. i hope you can brush the negativity and judgments off and carry on being the strong person you are.
i'm happy you're here, on MFP, and i believe in you. you have the power to take control of your body, and it's going to feel sooo darn good to read your success story when you succeed.
hopefully i haven't said anything that could be misinterpreted and cause an argument in this post. i truly mean only support and encouragement, and please forgive any mis-wordings that might be interpreted otherwise..
/end rant
i saw the thread "i judge obese people" -- and i read it. and i felt awful. that sickly UGH shudder deep inside that i feel when i see violence or other prejudices. i know it's just one person's experience and projections, misplaced and possibly partially misinterpreted on an internet forum. but i felt the pain and frustrations of those who read that forum post, and received yet another kick in the confidence.. one more reminder of the painful judgments they've experienced.
we don't need that negativity -- there's enough of that in the world already. MFP can be a wonderful community because we have the opportunity to connect with other people who are experiencing similar struggles, setbacks, and hopefully successes. there are a ton of different opinions here, which is great. a ton of people with difference experiences, in different stages of their fitness journeys. but MFP should be a safe place of support and encouragement. maybe some tough love too, if it's asked for. but always understanding. and always compassion.
i was obese at one point. i was young and didn't know better. that's my reason. that's my excuse. some people's reasons for straying from the "normal" weight category (both obese and underweight) are deeper and more complex and painful than anything i could ever imagine. the reasons are plenty and varied, and everyone has a story.
we can list some potential reasons. it might be helpful to have concrete causal scenarios in the backs of our heads next time we encounter someone who is different from us. depression and medication are common. stress and unimaginable trauma. addiction and habit and hopelessness. etc. cycles build upon themselves, and breaking free from destructive cycles is harder for some than for others.
but no matter the reason, people are people. they are struggling with their issues, big and small, just like the rest of us. they are complex beings, who are more than a number on a scale and way more than whatever you see in the small moment you interact with them.
if understanding and compassion are too difficult for you, try. then try harder. they're two of the best qualities we are capable of having and sharing with other people (and animals, &etc). and if you truly can't see beyond your own experiences far enough to appreciate our differences, maybe just fake it 'til you make it. something, anything, other than projecting your negative judgments onto others who are here looking for support.
for those of you who were hurt by the other forum post, i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the OP and i'm sorry for the rest of society that has judged to the point where one more forum post is just the tip of the iceberg. i'm sorry for myself and all the times i haven't been the understanding person i want to be. i hope you can brush the negativity and judgments off and carry on being the strong person you are.
i'm happy you're here, on MFP, and i believe in you. you have the power to take control of your body, and it's going to feel sooo darn good to read your success story when you succeed.
hopefully i haven't said anything that could be misinterpreted and cause an argument in this post. i truly mean only support and encouragement, and please forgive any mis-wordings that might be interpreted otherwise..
/end rant
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:flowerforyou:0 -
Mercifully, that other thread just disappeared in a black hole where it belongs.0
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For me, it was partially family conditioning (my entire family was obese and it was just taught to me because no one knew any better). And it was partially growing up in an abusive situation - my mother was NPD and was a master at making me think I was crazy. It didn't help that I was already being taught bad habits and being put down by my own family (who had little room to talk, honestly), but when I experienced others outside of my family beginning to do it as well, I just gave up hope that my life could be any better - I just accepted that, yeah, this is the way I was always going to be and I'd either learn to live with it or kill myself.
I attempted suicide many, many, many times.
It was only when I was diagnosed with diabetes that I "woke up", if you will. I'd been through years of counseling for my mental health and was finally on the road to healing from that, but once the diabetes took hold... I guess I just said, okay, my mind's good, now let's work on my body.
And here I am.
I judge NO ONE. I can't afford to. I do not know what someone else has been through in their lives, and for me to make a pronouncement that "X is better than you are"? When I'm omniscent, I'll give you a call. Until then - I don't have the power or the right to say I'm better than anyone.
Peace.0 -
@ Cathalain -- glad you're here with us now and trying to work through your past.
also congrats on your awesome loss thus far!0 -
Well said! I saw that other post and thought "My arent we pious just because she lost the weight"0
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:flowerforyou:
:flowerforyou: :drinker:0 -
Santayana - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it",0
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So my friend and I, both of us have lost significant weight so far, laugh at fat jokes once in a while. We tease each other for being fat in the past and mock each other in good humor. I don't really judge people but I understand where the OP of the other thread is coming from. As people who are on a mission to get into the best shape we can we cannot allow ourselves to accept the idea of being obese anymore. So when we see someone who is, it might make some of us uncomfortable because we can see ourselves in that situation. We then brush it off with a thoughtless joke to relax ourselves.
It's whatever. Don't make this more than it is. Just let people be. Yup.0 -
Yes, I saw the other post and it left me speechless and sad. Thanks for so gracefully addressing it. If anything, since joining, I've gained more compassion when I see a stranger who is overweight. I imagine that they too are a member on MFP and have been celebrating the slow and steady progress that we all struggle with. I judge not, I assume nothing. Thanks again.:flowerforyou:0
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To be fair, I don't think the initial thread was intended to be negative. What I got from it was that the author was almost taken aback that they were judgemental of obese people, especially as they had previously been one.
I have to admit that I judge people all of the time. If you truly take a look at someone and don't offer up some initial thought / reaction in your mind, you are stunted, in terms of evolution. We automatically make snap judgements of people for survival reasons. If you didn't assess things / people for whatever (threats, benefits, allies, enemies, etc.) you'd probably be taken by surprise a lot.
ALL THAT ASIDE, I think it's great you're trying to foster a culture of positivity. i love when the positive starts flying, but I get my butt chewed all of the time for expressing my honest opinions.I haven't found this site to be the most positive; individuals are positive. We need more people like you, trying to spread the love. Shame on me for getting jaded so quickly.
ETA: It was my own judgment of large people that eventually made me look at myself and say, "Oh, I bet people are judging ME, too." I let my unhealthy appearance fuel my desire to be healthier, which is probably what a lot of people do.0 -
:flowerforyou:0 -
I read that post as well and I'm having a hard time with it. It hurt my feelings a lot. I lost 65 pounds on MFP originally but then gained it back after a pregnancy and being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I got low enough that they mall was not the scariest place in the world to me anymore, since gaining the weight back I'm feeling the anxiety of the mall again. I feel like I want to cry when we go there. I think after reading that post it's going to take a long time for me to forget her words.0
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I'm considered morbidly obese. There... now I've said it! *looks around herself* Nope, nothing happened.
I have been working hard to lose weight for years. I have gone on high protein/low carb diets, no carb diets, high carb diets, no sugar diets, starvation diets, vegetarian diets, and so many more. I have even had bariatric surgery (to the tune of $10k) and haven't lost much of anything. I'm sure you're like "okay, where's the exercise?" I'm glad you asked....
I have a black belt in tae kwon do. I do weight training, walking, running, dancing, yoga, martial arts, and lots of other "sports" activities. I can maintain my stamina of working outside for hours on end doing one thing or another. (My dad and step mom live on a ranch and there are lots of chores and projects to be done there.) I am constantly on the go with my full time job, full time school, gym workouts, married life, and social life. Here's the kicker.... I don't lose weight, I just gain. When I was at the bariatric surgery followup appointments, they wanted to get a body composition done on me. That opened my eyes to what I REALLY look like. Instead of needing to lose 130+ lbs I only needed to lose 60. That's just 60 lbs of fat. I weigh 280 lbs and they wanted me to get down to about 200-220 lbs. That means I'm almost solid muscle.
I just did a martial arts performance at a charity benefit a couple weeks ago, the amount of energy that I put into what I do made some of the other women (all a healthy looking, fit set mind you) astounded them! They were in shock! I always loved how I may be bigger but I can still kick your butt; it's very disillusioning. But... I'm not the only one in my martial arts system that is heavy. There are a few men that are about 6 ft tall and weigh more than I do. I learned from them that I don't have to be able to jump around and do arial kicks and stuff, it's rather hard to move a mountain when it's still. Meaning, I can just be tough enough to take the punches and kicks and still score a point or so with the agile fighters.
Recently my dad said something that really hurt me. First off, my family are big people. I didn't do sports growing up. I was the "fat kid" for a long time. I didn't like the sports that were offered at my schools so I never got involved. I was in band and that was my extracurricular life. My family weren't really active anyway and the diet was not very good either. Back to now, I recently found out I have PCOS so it is VERY difficult to lose weight. You could be doing EVERYTHING correctly and still not lose weight. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. My dad has been on a high protein diet since the beginning of May and has lost 65 lbs. He wants me to do this diet too. I told him no. He is so adamant that I do it his way instead of my own way. I decided I'm going to show him that there are more than just 1 path to reach a goal.
"I don't judge obese people" is a wonderful thing.... the fat woman just might be capable of kicking a skinny person's butt in many different arenas.0 -
In to support THIS OP's message.0
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this is the tread we need here, on this forum where most all of us have the common goals of making positive changes for our bodies and out lives.
i saw the thread "i judge obese people" -- and i read it.
I didn't read it.
I do judge obese people, myself harshest of all. I think a little bit of judgement is ok, but I think changing how you treat people because of those high falootin' judgements is where things get sticky.
I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better and judge less. However, sometimes, I just can't help it when I see someone huge drinking a large frappucino, eating a donut and talking about how hard they're working out at curves. >_<0 -
this is the tread we need here, on this forum where most all of us have the common goals of making positive changes for our bodies and out lives.
i saw the thread "i judge obese people" -- and i read it.
I didn't read it.
I do judge obese people, myself harshest of all. I think a little bit of judgement is ok, but I think changing how you treat people because of those high falootin' judgements is where things get sticky.
I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better and judge less. However, sometimes, I just can't help it when I see someone huge drinking a large frappucino, eating a donut and talking about how hard they're working out at curves. >_<
I feel the same, both as you do, and as OP does. Personally, I would not call what you describe here and judgement of obesity - more judgement of those who complain about their problems, but actively sabotage the solution. I think you would probably react the same way if an unemployed person complained about having no money, but turned down a cleaners job at a decent rate of pay because they wanted something different.
I do not believe it is right to judge someone for a failing in themselves, unless they make that failing someone elses problem, accept help, and then refuse to help themselves, followed by a new litany of excuses and no thank you for the poor person who said they would help when asked. Those people I judge, Fat, skinny, loud, quiet.
But just for being a fattie? No sir. Better a fattie with a kind and generous heart, than a beauty without.0 -
Preach.I do not believe it is right to judge someone for a failing in themselves, unless they make that failing someone elses problem, accept help, and then refuse to help themselves, followed by a new litany of excuses and no thank you for the poor person who said they would help when asked. Those people I judge, Fat, skinny, loud, quiet.0 -
Preach.I do not believe it is right to judge someone for a failing in themselves, unless they make that failing someone elses problem, accept help, and then refuse to help themselves, followed by a new litany of excuses and no thank you for the poor person who said they would help when asked. Those people I judge, Fat, skinny, loud, quiet.
Agreed.
I'd be a hypocrite for judging obese people, considering I was one.0 -
You rock. :flowerforyou:0
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OP...you ROCK!
Nicely said.0 -
I hope you get the peace you deserve. :brokenheart: Glad you are still here* to give us a piece of your mind! :flowerforyou:For me, it was partially family conditioning (my entire family was obese and it was just taught to me because no one knew any better). And it was partially growing up in an abusive situation - my mother was NPD and was a master at making me think I was crazy. It didn't help that I was already being taught bad habits and being put down by my own family (who had little room to talk, honestly), but when I experienced others outside of my family beginning to do it as well, I just gave up hope that my life could be any better - I just accepted that, yeah, this is the way I was always going to be and I'd either learn to live with it or kill myself.
I attempted suicide many, many, many times.
It was only when I was diagnosed with diabetes that I "woke up", if you will. I'd been through years of counseling for my mental health and was finally on the road to healing from that, but once the diabetes took hold... I guess I just said, okay, my mind's good, now let's work on my body.
And here I am.
I judge NO ONE. I can't afford to. I do not know what someone else has been through in their lives, and for me to make a pronouncement that "X is better than you are"? When I'm omniscent, I'll give you a call. Until then - I don't have the power or the right to say I'm better than anyone.
Peace.0 -
I make an active attempt not to judge people. I struggle when someone says they are trying to lose weight, but are eating fast food several times a day. Or that they need money, but turn down a job they think they are too good for. In those moments I instantly judge the person but try to go back and correct my thinking. Judging someone doesn't do anything productive, and quite frankly what someone else does is none of my damn business. I am in control of my life, and my household, and that's the only thing I get to control.
OP- I didnt see the post you were replying to, but I appreciated this one :-)0 -
I don't know about others, but I make judgements about people every time I see them. Some judgements are positive, some negative. What I try and do is not change the way I interact with people when my judgement towards them is negative.0
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I don't know about others, but I make judgements about people every time I see them. Some judgements are positive, some negative. What I try and do is not change the way I interact with people when my judgement towards them is negative.
I was just gonna post that. It's okay to judge people; I think we all do that in split seconds all the time. It's not okay to say hurtful things to someone you've judged, because 9 out of 10 times you've judged them wrong.*
*except for when I'm judging people on their driving.0 -
*except for when I'm judging people on their driving.
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Awesome post, OP
I can honestly say I do not have any opinion/judgment/impression of people based on their weight. This could be because I'm morbidly obese. I DO get jealous when I see "fit" women, but I don't judge them. My train of thought is, "It's gonna take forever for me to get there and even then I'm not gonna look that damn good."
Or I'll see a teenage kid with his pants half down his legs and his boxers hanging out and get all grossed out, and I'll say, "pull up your pants, geez." (in my mind, not at the kid)
If a mom is screaming bloody murder at her child, just for being a child...I get furious, and I get furious when a kid is screamin bloody murder for no reason and the mother does nothing. And yes, I realize some children are mentally challenged, etc...however...I'm referring to children who are just flat-out spoiled rotten.
It's that kinda stuff I judge on (which is JUST AS BAD as judging according to weight, etc). I don't know...as far as bodies go I just don't have a judgmental reaction (probably because I'm morbidly obese and I'm about the worst it can get already).0 -
Santayana - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it",
QUOTED FOR TRUTH!0 -
I judge fat, not people. If someone is obese, they need to lose weight; it's that simple (and if someone is underweight they need to gain weight). I don't judge them as a person until I hear them try to deny that they need to lose weight, or try to spout some HAES nonsense. If they are making an effort to lose weight good for them. We've all been there (well most of us). If they are making excuses/ externalizing their weight as beyond their control/ blaming others/ trying to justify their obesity/ etc, that reflects poorly on them as a person in my opinion.
This push by some to redefine "acceptance" as "approval" isn't fooling anyone. I don't approve of being fat, and I never will. I tolerate it, and it's up to the individual whether or not they want to be fat, but I am not going to stop saying that being fat is bad. It's unhealthy and it looks gross.
I have been fat. I still am packing more pounds than I would like. That being fat is unhealthy and looks gross shouldn't be news or surprising to anybody, whether they are fat or not. It's simply a fact. Water is wet. Being fat is gross. That isn't an insult or a jab or a judgment on any person. It is just a statement that if you are fat I think you should try your best to lose weight. You deserve respect and love. But you shouldn't be fat.
It all comes down to personal responsibility and making an effort to better oneself physically, mentally, spiritually. It has nothing to do with whether someone is currently fat.0 -
I'm considered morbidly obese. There... now I've said it! *looks around herself* Nope, nothing happened.
I have been working hard to lose weight for years. I have gone on high protein/low carb diets, no carb diets, high carb diets, no sugar diets, starvation diets, vegetarian diets, and so many more. I have even had bariatric surgery (to the tune of $10k) and haven't lost much of anything. I'm sure you're like "okay, where's the exercise?" I'm glad you asked....
I have a black belt in tae kwon do. I do weight training, walking, running, dancing, yoga, martial arts, and lots of other "sports" activities. I can maintain my stamina of working outside for hours on end doing one thing or another. (My dad and step mom live on a ranch and there are lots of chores and projects to be done there.) I am constantly on the go with my full time job, full time school, gym workouts, married life, and social life. Here's the kicker.... I don't lose weight, I just gain. When I was at the bariatric surgery followup appointments, they wanted to get a body composition done on me. That opened my eyes to what I REALLY look like. Instead of needing to lose 130+ lbs I only needed to lose 60. That's just 60 lbs of fat. I weigh 280 lbs and they wanted me to get down to about 200-220 lbs. That means I'm almost solid muscle.
I just did a martial arts performance at a charity benefit a couple weeks ago, the amount of energy that I put into what I do made some of the other women (all a healthy looking, fit set mind you) astounded them! They were in shock! I always loved how I may be bigger but I can still kick your butt; it's very disillusioning. But... I'm not the only one in my martial arts system that is heavy. There are a few men that are about 6 ft tall and weigh more than I do. I learned from them that I don't have to be able to jump around and do arial kicks and stuff, it's rather hard to move a mountain when it's still. Meaning, I can just be tough enough to take the punches and kicks and still score a point or so with the agile fighters.
Recently my dad said something that really hurt me. First off, my family are big people. I didn't do sports growing up. I was the "fat kid" for a long time. I didn't like the sports that were offered at my schools so I never got involved. I was in band and that was my extracurricular life. My family weren't really active anyway and the diet was not very good either. Back to now, I recently found out I have PCOS so it is VERY difficult to lose weight. You could be doing EVERYTHING correctly and still not lose weight. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. My dad has been on a high protein diet since the beginning of May and has lost 65 lbs. He wants me to do this diet too. I told him no. He is so adamant that I do it his way instead of my own way. I decided I'm going to show him that there are more than just 1 path to reach a goal.
"I don't judge obese people" is a wonderful thing.... the fat woman just might be capable of kicking a skinny person's butt in many different arenas.
When you mentioned you'd been on every diet under the sun, and all of your fitness activities, and hadn't lost a pound. I knew immediately what was wrong with you. I remember that, all too well. I'd been heavy my entire life, and in high school, I wanted to be a cheerleader. I had cheered in elementary/middle school, but I went to a county school, and it wasn't really a big deal if you were "the fat cheerleader". In the big city high school, you had to bring your a-game if you wanted to cheer, so I knew I had to lose weight. For a solid year, I took an hour class of step aerobics five nights a week, and every Saturday morning. I stressed out majorly if I ate close to 1000 calories a day, I preferred to keep it at around 800. Ask me how much weight I lost in that year. Not one single pound. I gained a lot of muscle, but I lost nothing. I was devastated. After having a pilonidal cyst on my tailbone rupture, and being told that there was no way I'd be able to cheer, play volleyball, tennis, softball, or anything where I might potentially fall, I just gave up. It wasn't until I was 24 and 400lbs that I was diagnosed with PCOS. I was literally dying by this time, because my body was producing so much insulin that it was poisoning itself. I didn't absorb any of it, and I wasn't metabolizing food.
I'd lost most of my hair, and had resorted to wearing clip on hair, all of my hormone levels were out of whack, I slept roughly 16 hours a day, and it wasn't remotely enough, and I hadn't had a period in well over a year-- the kicker I knew I wasn't pregnant. People don't understand what a wicked disease this is. There is NO cure. We live with this. We will die with this. It's not something we can just decide we don't *have* any more, and it doesn't "go away" if we don't have our ovaries or uterus any more. It's so complex that many doctors don't know how to treat us, or for that matter, what's even wrong with us. I'm thankful that I found a doctor that did know what was wrong, and I was actually a guinea pig for a treatment. I'm thankful, because it saved my life. That's why I'm here today, why I have the quality of life I have, and why I'm 177lbs lighter. My PCOS is under control, I have a good quality of life, and overall, I'm alive.
I know what it's like. It's not easy living with PCOS. If you need a friend who understand, I'm here. *hugs*0 -
I judge fat, not people. If someone is obese, they need to lose weight; it's that simple (and if someone is underweight they need to gain weight). I don't judge them as a person until I hear them try to deny that they need to lose weight, or try to spout some HAES nonsense. If they are making an effort to lose weight good for them. We've all been there (well most of us). If they are making excuses/ externalizing their weight as beyond their control/ blaming others/ trying to justify their obesity/ etc, that reflects poorly on them as a person in my opinion.
This push by some to redefine "acceptance" as "approval" isn't fooling anyone. I don't approve of being fat, and I never will. I tolerate it, and it's up to the individual whether or not they want to be fat, but I am not going to stop saying that being fat is bad. It's unhealthy and it looks gross.
I have been fat. I still am packing more pounds than I would like. That being fat is unhealthy and looks gross shouldn't be news or surprising to anybody, whether they are fat or not. It's simply a fact. Water is wet. Being fat is gross. That isn't an insult or a jab or a judgment on any person. It is just a statement that if you are fat I think you should try your best to lose weight. You deserve respect and love. But you shouldn't be fat.
It all comes down to personal responsibility and making an effort to better oneself physically, mentally, spiritually. It has nothing to do with whether someone is currently fat.
Could we please have a picture of you, so that we might judge your end all, be all beauty for ourselves, and decide how gross or not gross we think you are?
You know, I'm going to list some things that are gross:
Snail slime
Dirty toilets
Not washing your hands after you use the toilet
Cat hairballs
Things that are NOT gross:
Human beings regardless of size.0
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