Moving Past a Breakup
pixelatedsun
Posts: 165 Member
So I broke up with my long-term boyfriend recently (we were together nearly 3 years). It wasn't working for a variety of reasons and at the end we were functionally siblings, not lovers/romantic partners.
It's typically easy after a breakup because you can focus on the awful things they did and think, "What a jerk!" and let that fuel your emotions and sort of skate on by. But it's harder when there is nothing WRONG and you don't have any fodder or fuel to dislike them with. He did some unsavory things over the course of the relationship (he did cheat on me), but they aren't why we broke it off at the end of the day. So I can't agree with friends who say "Oh he's an *kitten*!" because I don't really think he is, I can't let that fuel me because I don't believe it, deep down I still love him - the issue is that he doesn't love me (the way I need to be loved).
I don't miss my romantic partner, I miss my best friend.
How do you deal with a breakup when you're not mad at the other partner and don't want to be/want to have any bad blood? I know he'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed him, but I just can't deal with these complicated emotions and they are starting to affect how I eat. (yesterday I didn't eat 'til 5:30 pm and I cried the entire time I ate ...) I just want this to feel better as soon as possible, and I'm afraid I don't see much hope.
It's typically easy after a breakup because you can focus on the awful things they did and think, "What a jerk!" and let that fuel your emotions and sort of skate on by. But it's harder when there is nothing WRONG and you don't have any fodder or fuel to dislike them with. He did some unsavory things over the course of the relationship (he did cheat on me), but they aren't why we broke it off at the end of the day. So I can't agree with friends who say "Oh he's an *kitten*!" because I don't really think he is, I can't let that fuel me because I don't believe it, deep down I still love him - the issue is that he doesn't love me (the way I need to be loved).
I don't miss my romantic partner, I miss my best friend.
How do you deal with a breakup when you're not mad at the other partner and don't want to be/want to have any bad blood? I know he'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed him, but I just can't deal with these complicated emotions and they are starting to affect how I eat. (yesterday I didn't eat 'til 5:30 pm and I cried the entire time I ate ...) I just want this to feel better as soon as possible, and I'm afraid I don't see much hope.
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Unfortunately it just takes time. Stay busy, find something new and fun to try and focus on. Eventually it'll get better. Take care!
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It's just going to take time and distance.
Also, just FYI, it's not really "easy" any way it happens. I found it a lot harder to get over a lying, cheating a**hole than to work through a civilized breakup with a good person. When you are dealing with lying and cheating there's a whole lot of awful to process...0 -
Cry as much as you want. We all want quick fixes.. but honestly, it just takes time. 0
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Breakups are the worst... I've found that if I focus on the things I can control, it helps. I clean my house or do projects around the house that I've been putting off. I work out or play basketbal. I listen to lots and lots of (positive and upbeat) music. It will take time, but eventually you will find you two can be best friends again if that's what you both want.0
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Even though you aren't mad at him, you still need to maintain distance and stay away.0
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your on the right track... looking for objectivity... check out "meetup" start exercising more... find things that get you to concentrate... work on puzzles... anything that will create some emotional separation... and allow you to distract yourself from that part of your life.0
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My advice is to shut it down. Block all communication and move on. It sucks, it's not fun, but there aren't any other options really. Trying to stay in that person's life will typically only bring hurt and bad feelings.
Yes, you could work at still being friends. Then you'll get to experience fun and exciting things like watching them date someone else, seeing them happy with a new partner, if you're lucky maybe you'll even get to attend their wedding!
It sucks. But if it's over then it's over. All you can do is move on.
Time. Time makes it easier. So you have to give yourself that time away.
Quoting and bolding for emphasis because this is OH SO TRUE!0 -
Yes as others have said it is just a matter of time. My ex husband cheated on me and walked out on me. Honestly though i still loved him and he still loved me. We just were not able to meet each others needs even though we both did try. I would have been willing to keep working on it but his infidelity was just his way of declaring things over. We both had serious problems but we did love each other. It was hard because there was no massive fight or falling out between us. We chose to stay friends because we were each others best friends at the time and could not imagine being separated even though we did not work well when together.
It was messy and confusing for a while where the lines between friend and partner kept getting blurred as we were prone to getting intimate when together which just upset us both but it was hard not to because we were so familiar with being that way with each other. After many months of that i put my foot down and said the physical side had to be over. I started dating someone else which helped me stick to that plan as I am faithful to who ever I am with. My rebound relationship was a disaster but it helped get my head around the fact my ex husband and I were not together any more.
It has been a few years now and divorce was finalized. I am still friends with him and it is much easier now. He sometimes tries to push boundaries but never gets anywhere with it so is much better than used to be. He is engaged to someone else and cheats on her with other women so although i am friends with him I feel it is for the best that we broke up and i would not be able to trust him as anything other than a friend.0 -
Not all breakups are fueled by anger, nor do they need to be. Case in point, there was a guy that I dated years back who was a great person, nice, thoughtful, we didn't "fight", etc. but as the relationship evolved we ended up essentially friends and that just wasn't working for us, so we parted ways. It was hard because it wasn't a toxic relationship and I felt guilty, but it had to happen. To this day, we occasionally touch base with each other.0
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Its just going to suck for awhile. Hang in there and focus on YOU right now.0
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Sorry to hear about your breakup. It does hurt and it will take time to get over it. But in the long term I could imagine that you could still be good friends. There is obviously something stronger between you than just someone you know but not enough to maintain a full relationship. It does not mean you have to cut them out of your life all together. Give it time and keep busy with your life. Do things you want to do that you may have been putting off because you were in a relationship. Salsa dancing worked for me. And you can keep fit as well as learning to dance.
I have had a couple of relationships that for whatever reason was not strong enough to stay together but they have now become very good friends and will remain to be so. We have all moved on with our own lives and meet people that we can have romantic relationships with and still be friends.0 -
This.Even though you aren't mad at him, you still need to maintain distance and stay away.
I would institute a no-contact order (not of the legal variety, but as a personal thing) for a minimum of 6 months, although 12 months is better. If you want to harbor any hope of maintaining a friendship at some point in the future, it's important to let yourselves heal separately and become your own, completely independent persons again. After the stay-away period, things will be much easier... and you'll most likely see how wrong it was for you to attempt to continue to pursue a romantic relationship. Good friends are worth so much more than boyfriends in my experience.
It will hurt less with time. Just know that this, too, shall pass. You'll come out stronger on the other side.0 -
Aww...my friend, I am so sorry you are going through this :-( It makes me sad to think of you crying like that.
My best advice to you is to try and focus on this being a new era in your life...a post breakup "new you", a new life all together. I don't even mean fitness/health/diet wise. But just life in general. I have always found when entering a new phase especially after a breakup, it's helpful to switch things up a bit even if that just means some new music, bedding, or changing around the furniture in your bedroom and/or living room. Sounds silly but that has helped me through breakups more than just about anything!
As for the relationship ending amicably, I do have some experience in that realm too. I think in a lot of ways it IS harder going through a breakup without much anger toward the other person. While I believe my past marriage was long over (like your relationship, we were more like roommates or brother & sister by its end) and I didn't have as many conflicting feelings to deal with as you have right now...it was similar in that we didn't have any big fights or craziness during our divorce. I honestly don't miss my ex much at all (and for awhile I had some pretty big guilt for that as we were together for 10 years) but when I do it is the "friend" stuff I miss...not anything romantic.
For me the thing that really changed my entire outlook was focusing on what I wanted in a future relationship (for example, tons of physical affection, a truly romantic connection even if not pals in that "best friends" way) and looking at what I envied or admired in others' relationships. While it may be a bit soon to focus too much on that, I actually felt it gave me HOPE that eventually I would find what I really needed AND wanted in a mate. And I did.
I realize right now you are most likely grieving the loss of your relationship and kind of in survival mode...maybe it would even help to write your ex a long truthful letter, even if you never send it (in fact it would probably be best NOT to send it). Just another idea. Feel free to message me on here if you need to talk further!0 -
Thanks to you all.
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Not sure if you are on Facebook, but there is an awesome page on there called "Baggage Reclaim". I have found SO many helpful truths on there. First rule of a breakup: No contact for 30 days. She also has blogs online, under the same name, I believe. Go check it out. And good luck! 0
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My advice is to shut it down. Block all communication and move on. It sucks, it's not fun, but there aren't any other options really. Trying to stay in that person's life will typically only bring hurt and bad feelings.
Yep. No contact. It's the only way to go.0 -
Invest your time in others or yourself. Find a way to be helpful to someone. Maybe someone that is lonely or does not have many or any friends. I heard, the more we focus on our problem, the more it grows. . . and the larger it becomes. Read the Bible, start in the Psalms, and then go to Proverbs. There is comfort in the Psalms. Proverbs will enlighten you and give you wisdom. You truly will be surprised! And that problem... will be like: "what problem?! I was upset about that??" I promise you this will happen. This happened to me, too. Only with a relative, not a romantic partner.0
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My advice is to shut it down. Block all communication and move on. It's not fun, but there aren't any other options really. Trying to stay in that person's life will typically only bring hurt and bad feelings.
I found this out the HARD way. My attempts at restoring a bad familial relationship was met with the Silent Treatment. This totally is NOT the way you want to go!! Not saying this would happen to you, this is what happened to me. Making you aware...If it's over then it's over. All you can do is move on.
Strong medicine here, but I agree. It's the best thing you can do for yourself. Find a new interest or hobby.0 -
block all communication and DONT think bout it. easier said than done.0
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I was with my fiance for 3 years when we broke up because it wasn't working. We still cared for each other, but it wasn't working.
I had to insitute a no contact policy for a month, because when you talk to someone every day and they are your best friend it is VERY hard to separate your lives.
We tried to stay friends, but it was very hard to hear about him going on dates and doing things with someone else that he never wanted to do with me (concerts, etc)
Eventually we were able to be friends again. I even started dating again too.
Difference with me was we found our spark, and got back to together on a completely random day where we met for a coffee.
I had been at a party the night before and was totally convinced I was inches away from getting somewhere with a young man I had been seeing and letting know I was very interested... So probably not the best advice from me!
But the years between were hard. I had to actually write 'Don't call him' on a post-it and put it on the inside of my bedroom door.
Take some time to reestablish who you are, without muddying the waters. Cry a lot. Go out/hang at home with good friends.0 -
Space. You can and probably will be friends - some time from now. Change his contact to 'do not answer/call' in your phone and take abreak from contact for a bit.
the best thing you can do is throw yourself into things that you like doing, that make you happy, keep reasonably busy.
Spend time with your friends who make you feel positive. Feel free to tell them - I'm not in the right place to be calling him a jerk so could we stay away from name calling for now? Take a new class, find a new hobby ect.
You do get there in the end no matter how much it sucks now x0 -
Here's something that helped for me. It has changed my mind and focus a LOT... check it out!
http://optimistnet.com/0
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