Weight loss losing friends?
jopalis
Posts: 238 Member
Hi. I thought I could share my weight loss with a friend of mine. She needs to lose weight too but just isn't into it right now. I don't talk to many people about my loss or what I am doing to get there. For one, I thought maybe it would motivate her. I know it has to come from within but sometimes a buddy can help. Secondly, I thought she was a good enough friend she would be happy for me and cheer me on even if she is not into it right now. I guess not. I haven't said that much but she is not talking to me as much anymore and mentioned I might want to talk to someone who is losing or has lost about it. Just a little bummed. I wasn't rubbing her nose in it or boasting. It's just such a big part of what I am doing now....... Oh well. I guess I thought she would be a bigger person than that. I know I would and have. I remember her telling me to try this thing she was doing from Dr. Oz and telling me how much she was losing, etc. I wasn't doing it at the time but I showed an interest. Maybe I expect too much.
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Envy, even on an unconscious level, may be getting the best of her. If she is your friend, she will see you feeling & looking better & either join in or more on.0
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Envy, even on an unconscious level, may be getting the best of her. If she is your friend, she will see you feeling & looking better & either join in or more on.
I agree. I have friends who have cheered me on whether they are bigger or smaller, friends who have joined this site or made other positive changes, and friends who act distant now or seem totally fixated on my loss -- without me discussing it -- to the point that I feel uncomfortable around them. You just never know how a person will react, but it is disappointing sometimes when friends don't live up to our expectations.0 -
People get jelly. Not the kind of jelly that peanut butter will help. :glasses:0
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I remember a time when she was working on her weight and doing this Dr. Oz thing. She was telling me all about it and telling me to try it. Sharing her losses, etc. I remember complimenting her and showing an interest even though I wasn't "there" at the time. I am just disappointed. We don't all have to be on the same page for unconditional support. I share with so few people. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for months and she acted visibly shocked. She is larger and needs to lose. She was smiling, telling me she was proud of me...told me I looked great, etc. Made me feel sooo good. Sad about the other one but .... It helps to share here and know some of you going through this too. It's just such a big thing to me right now....0
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You guys have done a great job. Its no easy task changing one's lifestyle. Thank you for sharing your similar experience. It is disappointing........ Support is so important. Some friends are unconditional.0
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Sorry to fixate on your weight loss. I'm sure there is more to you than your size. But weight loss and inspiration are what I'm on this site for and I just want to say.....WOW! 89 pounds?!? Way to go girl! I know it was a lot of work. You must feel great physically. I can't wait to be lighter on my feet and fit in a rollercoaster seat again!0
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I had a similar thing happen except my friend who needed to lose weight claimed to be "trying." I thought it would motivate both of us to discuss meal plans, and work outs etc... after I lost about 5lbs and she hadn't lost any she told me that she didn't want to hear about my weight loss anymore then continued to complain about how her clothes are too tight and talk about how she got drunk and ate all the left overs in the fridge the night before.
Personally, I think I'm better for losing this person. They were toxic in my life overall and I wish I saw that sooner. I have tried to keep my fitness goals to myself/people who really have the same goals and are actually putting in effort to get there. It's tough when you can't talk to someone important to you about something important in your life. But hey, if you aren't important to them, why are they important to you, right? Don't let them bring you down. Discuss all you want to others and brag all you want here! :flowerforyou:0 -
Well done on your weight loss! Sometimes our own success makes others aware of their own shortcomings and failures and maybe your friend is feeling like you are leaving her behind? Keep up with your efforts at your weight loss!0
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Thank you all for your support and letting me vent.0
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On another note, but similar topic. For years I shared an office with another woman. She was the younger one, the skinny one, etc. As I began my weight loss journey it was not what she said but what she did. On more than one occasion, when I would come back from lunch, she would have left something for me on my desk. Might be a dessert from her lunch, a candy bar; or some mornings it was a donut.
Leading different lifestyles & her being younger it was easier for her to maintain her weight. Not for me. She was single, I was a single parent. I always thanked her but never caved in. Some 30 years later, she was no longer a "young thing", was mother of 3, and more supportive. Imagine that.
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some of my friends pretty much disappeared after I lost a lot of weight.
2 of the friends were very close to me, the 3 of us were losing together, working-out together, etc.
they cheated a lot, ate what they shouldn't, and I would stick to my routine and lose. (this was a few years ago)
it hurt my feelings a lot. esp when I gained back a lot of weight and suddenly they were friends with me again.0 -
You just never know how a person will react, but it is disappointing sometimes when friends don't live up to our expectations.
I think one thing I have learned for sure is to not have expectations. you're sure to be let-down every.single.time.0 -
Yeah but. This is gonna sound harsh, so prepare yourself.
Very often, people who are losing or trying to lose talk about it ALL THE TIME and can sound pretty narcissistic and annoying. As a current loser myself, I pretty much agree with your friend that the best people to talk to about your weight loss are 1) other people who are losing (like on MFP) and 2) people who ASK you about it. It's simply not cool to talk about bodies with people who don't want to talk about bodies. Period.
For comparison, let's say you and your friend both really struggled with money, making ends meet. Then you come into some money: maybe you get a higher paying job, or come into some family money, or win the lottery. You can expect your friend to be happy for you and to congratulate you. You CANNOT expect your friend to listen to you go on and on every time you get together about what you're doing with your money, the fun you're having spending it, and your new rich people problems like figuring out tax strategies and how to invest your money to keep it safe, etc. etc. Right? The same is true of your weight. You can bring it up as a one-time thing and expect her to be happy for you. Maybe she'll ask you questions -- maybe she won't. Maybe she'll gently tell you that money talk makes her uncomfortable (as your friend has done with weight). At that point you shut up about it, and if you're a big person you don't resent her for not being able or willing to experience everything you're experiencing. You'd be sensitive to her situation, I hope.
Also, even though you're saying you're not "rubbing her nose in it" you do admit that you want to "motivate" her. Has she asked for motivation? Or has she made it clear that she isn't into it right now? Because you seem pretty sure that she's already sure she's not into it -- so why are you interfering? Just because you are in a place where you're ready for it doesn't mean it's okay at all to pressure her into it.
It doesn't have to be about envy or not being happy FOR YOU. It can be about her absolutely justified distrust of people potentially judging her as broken and thinking it's okay to try to "fix" her, even though she's made it clear she's got her own issues and she's not ready. You have to respect that when someone makes it clear. If you can't respect it, you're not going to be good friends for one another anyway.0 -
Yeah but. This is gonna sound harsh, so prepare yourself.
Very often, people who are losing or trying to lose talk about it ALL THE TIME and can sound pretty narcissistic and annoying. As a current loser myself, I pretty much agree with your friend that the best people to talk to about your weight loss are 1) other people who are losing (like on MFP) and 2) people who ASK you about it. It's simply not cool to talk about bodies with people who don't want to talk about bodies. Period.
For comparison, let's say you and your friend both really struggled with money, making ends meet. Then you come into some money: maybe you get a higher paying job, or come into some family money, or win the lottery. You can expect your friend to be happy for you and to congratulate you. You CANNOT expect your friend to listen to you go on and on every time you get together about what you're doing with your money, the fun you're having spending it, and your new rich people problems like figuring out tax strategies and how to invest your money to keep it safe, etc. etc. Right? The same is true of your weight. You can bring it up as a one-time thing and expect her to be happy for you. Maybe she'll ask you questions -- maybe she won't. Maybe she'll gently tell you that money talk makes her uncomfortable (as your friend has done with weight). At that point you shut up about it, and if you're a big person you don't resent her for not being able or willing to experience everything you're experiencing. You'd be sensitive to her situation, I hope.
Also, even though you're saying you're not "rubbing her nose in it" you do admit that you want to "motivate" her. Has she asked for motivation? Or has she made it clear that she isn't into it right now? Because you seem pretty sure that she's already sure she's not into it -- so why are you interfering? Just because you are in a place where you're ready for it doesn't mean it's okay at all to pressure her into it.
It doesn't have to be about envy or not being happy FOR YOU. It can be about her absolutely justified distrust of people potentially judging her as broken and thinking it's okay to try to "fix" her, even though she's made it clear she's got her own issues and she's not ready. You have to respect that when someone makes it clear. If you can't respect it, you're not going to be good friends for one another anyway.
I disagree that it is the same as coming into money. the OP said that the friend was trying to lose weight herself. so it's not like the topic is taboo. my husband has lost ALOT of weight and looks amazing. I tell him all the time about how jealous I am of him. I wouldn't stop talking to him or divorce him because he looks better, has lost weight, etc. friends should be there for each other, no matter what. even if my friend were talking about it all the time, I wouldn't leave her as a friend. I would be jealous, yes, and I might even say so, but I wouldn't turn my back on her. money is completely different, IMHO, because you really can't control money the way you can your diet, etc. I CAN help it if I start eating right and exercise and lose weight. if I come into money, then that is a happenstance.0 -
Sorry to fixate on your weight loss. I'm sure there is more to you than your size. But weight loss and inspiration are what I'm on this site for and I just want to say.....WOW! 89 pounds?!? Way to go girl! I know it was a lot of work. You must feel great physically. I can't wait to be lighter on my feet and fit in a rollercoaster seat again!
Thanks! I have lost 134 from my heaviest and honestly I don't feel any different than I did about 90 lb ago...but yeah, it's nice to fit into the world around me better.0 -
I rarely mention it to her. I don't suggest she use my method, etc. When she was doing it a few years ago, she was all about telling me how well what she does works and how I should try it, etc. Telling me about her and her husband's losses, ongoing. I listened and didn't make her feel just because I wasn't where she was that I couldn't be a friend to her and be supportive. People are often not in the same place at the same time. Friendship doesn't have to be conditional. I am not being insensitive either I didn't realize she felt that way til now. I told her I was sorry if I upset her unintentionally.0
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Yes, La5vega...that is how my other friend was when she saw me in church. She is overweight and I know it bothers her. Recently had a new baby. She has been successful before and will be again. She saw me and was all smiles and telling me how great I looked...how did I do it, etc. She did say "I am so jealous" but she was great and told me she was proud of me. She made me feel so good! Entirely different person....... My husband has also lost a lot of weight. So much easier for him. At times when mine stalls and he loses I do get jealous and tell him so. But I also tell him I am proud of him and he is doing great........ He encourages me and supports me too.0
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Amazing Seltermint! You are inspirational.0
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Sounds like your buddy was jealous.0
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I disagree that it is the same as coming into money. the OP said that the friend was trying to lose weight herself. so it's not like the topic is taboo.
Actually, go back and read the OP. She said her friend "needed" to lose weight. That's a very different statement. You can choose to interpret it as the friend trying unsuccessfully, but you wouldn't necessarily be right. I read it as both friends had probably both talked about wanting to lose weight in the past, but one of them wasn't in a place emotionally to do anything about it right now.
And to the OP, actually, I think you were good about apologizing to your friend once she expressed her sensitivity to the topic. I get that you might want to vent to us, but if you're able to respect where she is with this in her life then you'd also be right to leave it there now and don't take it personally because it's clearly NOT ABOUT YOU.
It sounds like you have some experience from when your friend lost weight in the past regarding my original statement, which was that yes, people who are losing weight often talk about it too much and too indiscriminately. Frankly, it is selfish of us. We would all do well to be aware of that and try not to be violators ourselves. It's something I try to be consciencious about, not always with all the success I'd aspire to.0 -
You got the point.
Often, the people we CALL FRIEND can't and won't be HAPPY FOR US! They have to show their true colors at some point!
There are many people who want fat friends because in their heads they actually see themselves as looking better than you. I've always been the fat one.... so I got a lot of Pretty Face comments. I was never asked to dance... even tho I was the better dancer, by far. I was systematically left out of really dressy events and when I saw pics or heard about it.... I was well aware of the WHY & HOW of it all.
Then I dropped a few pounds... and caught on fire... and friends moved on.
NEWS FLASH: THEY WERE NEVER TRUE FRIENDS.
Everyone is in our lives for a Reason or a Season. I love saying good bye.... I see myself moving on to bigger and better OPPORTUNITIES AND RELATIONSHIPS. GROWTH CAN BE HARD OR EZ!
I've learned we must embrace CHANGE.
NEVER let someone who is temporary in your life have lasting negative effects on you. MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU IN A POSITIVE MANNER. Use it to fuel YOUR AMAZING JOURNEY!
When you see them (on JUMP Street) be HAPPY and UPBEAT!!!! BE BEAUTIFUL.... AND ACTIVE! GET OUT THERE AND BE SEEN... BE THE LADY WITH AN ACE LIFE!!!! Even if you have to cry - do it privately. God will send you good, wholesome, "AGAPE LOVE" (unconditional) FRIENDS and Associates! So let the others GO!!!! We all have HATERS.... I did even when I was Super Morbidly Obese. :laugh:
Live out LOUD!!!! Love yourself enough to be THE BEST! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!!!!
YOU ARE SO TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!!! :flowerforyou: So proud of you.... and glad you see how AMAZING YOU CAN TRULY BE!!!! (((((((HUGGZZ)))))))0 -
I disagree that it is the same as coming into money. the OP said that the friend was trying to lose weight herself. so it's not like the topic is taboo.
Actually, go back and read the OP. She said her friend "needed" to lose weight. That's a very different statement. You can choose to interpret it as the friend trying unsuccessfully, but you wouldn't necessarily be right. I read it as both friends had probably both talked about wanting to lose weight in the past, but one of them wasn't in a place emotionally to do anything about it right now.
a few posts later, she discusses her friend's weight loss attempts and her talking about them.0 -
sorry if I was confusing. I am just saying that she may not have her head in it right now but back when she was in the game and I wasn't, I didn't shut her down. I knew she was trying to help me with what was working for her. I even bought the book. She talks to me about her weight and wanting to lose..even now. We both have done that with each other. She gets down on herself and talks about it. When she was doing her Oz thing...I listened....I wasn't there but I didn't shut her out because of it.
Sounds like the majority of you have had similar experiences and I appreciate your sharing.0 -
I had a similar issue with a friend who ended up becoming very mentally and emotionally unstable. I think often times it is difficult for some people to accept others being happy, especially when they are not happy themselves. Different things that worked for her, like eating close to 2000 calories, did not work for me. I was very motivated prior to my wedding and lost 20 pounds by cutting all carbs and working out. (I have a gluten intolerance, so I cannot just eat a deficit, I need to be mindful of grams of carbohydrates). All she wanted to do was go out and drink/order pizza or spend time shopping, and when I asked if she wanted to spend time at the gym together (as she was very needy and wanted to hang out all the time) she consistently declined and put down what I was doing, nor did she ever recognize my weight loss or compliment it. I realized she had a plethora of other issues that were contributing to her self worth, and I realized I cannot help her leave abusive relationship after abusive relationship, or help her absolve the tens of thousands of dollars worth of credit card and loan debt.
I think once I finally became happy and on my way to success, the jealousy became too much for her. Sadly we no longer are friends because her current boyfriend is too much of a danger to put myself or husband near. I worry about her all the time, but I have found greater joy in the friends I have now, who are genuinely happy for my success. It is always sad to lose someone, but sometimes it happens on the way to finding yourself.0 -
I haven't dealt with this yet, presumably because I haven't lost that much weight yet, but my mother definitely struggled with something similar. After dropping over 100lbs, many of her overweight friends, particularly ones she made through weight loss ventures (WW, Curves,etc.), stopped returning her phone calls. I think it was definitely envy. I think it also made them feel bad because they had been trying to lose weight since before my mother tried, by simply being around my mother I think they felt guilt and shame about their journey, which they should've have because they had lost plenty of weight themselves. My mother was devastated. These were women she'd shared her deepest, most shameful feelings with. it seems like a pretty common occurance. Not just in weight loss either...someone gets a promotion or get married. Humans are kind of trained to constantly be comparing themselves to one another.
I also had another friend who lost weight and several of her friends ditched her. It turned out that all they really had in common was food. They're hanging out centered around overeating together, once that was gone the friendship fizzled....sad.
OP, you sound like a good friend and it seems like your friend recongnizes this. Hopefully, this situation will just make your friendship stronger in the longrun. I think you're doing the right thing for now by still listening to her, even if she's sensitive to you talking about your weight loss. But friendship is a 2-way street, if it gets to a point where she's never letting you share your experiences, then it's time for a talk because that's not being a supportive friend. You should be allowed to share your experiences both to help her but also because you're human and deserve to express what you're thinking. It doesn't sound like you're being preachy, just sharing what works for you and I think that should be totally fine eventually, but maybe just not right now.0 -
Yeah but. This is gonna sound harsh, so prepare yourself.
Very often, people who are losing or trying to lose talk about it ALL THE TIME and can sound pretty narcissistic and annoying. As a current loser myself, I pretty much agree with your friend that the best people to talk to about your weight loss are 1) other people who are losing (like on MFP) and 2) people who ASK you about it. It's simply not cool to talk about bodies with people who don't want to talk about bodies. Period.
For comparison, let's say you and your friend both really struggled with money, making ends meet. Then you come into some money: maybe you get a higher paying job, or come into some family money, or win the lottery. You can expect your friend to be happy for you and to congratulate you. You CANNOT expect your friend to listen to you go on and on every time you get together about what you're doing with your money, the fun you're having spending it, and your new rich people problems like figuring out tax strategies and how to invest your money to keep it safe, etc. etc. Right? The same is true of your weight. You can bring it up as a one-time thing and expect her to be happy for you. Maybe she'll ask you questions -- maybe she won't. Maybe she'll gently tell you that money talk makes her uncomfortable (as your friend has done with weight). At that point you shut up about it, and if you're a big person you don't resent her for not being able or willing to experience everything you're experiencing. You'd be sensitive to her situation, I hope.
Also, even though you're saying you're not "rubbing her nose in it" you do admit that you want to "motivate" her. Has she asked for motivation? Or has she made it clear that she isn't into it right now? Because you seem pretty sure that she's already sure she's not into it -- so why are you interfering? Just because you are in a place where you're ready for it doesn't mean it's okay at all to pressure her into it.
It doesn't have to be about envy or not being happy FOR YOU. It can be about her absolutely justified distrust of people potentially judging her as broken and thinking it's okay to try to "fix" her, even though she's made it clear she's got her own issues and she's not ready. You have to respect that when someone makes it clear. If you can't respect it, you're not going to be good friends for one another anyway.
I honestly never thought about this topic this way before. I want to talk about it all the time. This "journey" is such a big part of my life now and I'm excited about all the new things I get to do and how I feel... I never thought about how it might be annoying to my friends. Thanks for writing this!0 -
Someone I consider to be a good friend looked me up and down last week and said "I can see you've lost weight but you don't look amazing! Spurred me on no end. Think how much it will wind her up when I get to my target!
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You got the point.
Often, the people we CALL FRIEND can't and won't be HAPPY FOR US! They have to show their true colors at some point!
There are many people who want fat friends because in their heads they actually see themselves as looking better than you. I've always been the fat one.... so I got a lot of Pretty Face comments. I was never asked to dance... even tho I was the better dancer, by far. I was systematically left out of really dressy events and when I saw pics or heard about it.... I was well aware of the WHY & HOW of it all.
Then I dropped a few pounds... and caught on fire... and friends moved on.
NEWS FLASH: THEY WERE NEVER TRUE FRIENDS.
Everyone is in our lives for a Reason or a Season. I love saying good bye.... I see myself moving on to bigger and better OPPORTUNITIES AND RELATIONSHIPS. GROWTH CAN BE HARD OR EZ!
I've learned we must embrace CHANGE.
NEVER let someone who is temporary in your life have lasting negative effects on you. MAKE IT WORK FOR YOU IN A POSITIVE MANNER. Use it to fuel YOUR AMAZING JOURNEY!
When you see them (on JUMP Street) be HAPPY and UPBEAT!!!! BE BEAUTIFUL.... AND ACTIVE! GET OUT THERE AND BE SEEN... BE THE LADY WITH AN ACE LIFE!!!! Even if you have to cry - do it privately. God will send you good, wholesome, "AGAPE LOVE" (unconditional) FRIENDS and Associates! So let the others GO!!!! We all have HATERS.... I did even when I was Super Morbidly Obese. :laugh:
Live out LOUD!!!! Love yourself enough to be THE BEST! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!!!!
YOU ARE SO TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!!! :flowerforyou: So proud of you.... and glad you see how AMAZING YOU CAN TRULY BE!!!! (((((((HUGGZZ)))))))0 -
What an uplifting and positive reply. Thank you so very much.0
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I have several co-workers, friends, and family members that are not that supportive, but this is my journey and not theirs. I have one friend that is really supportive and several people I've met in a local weight loss support group. I don't bring up my weight loss, unless someone asks questions now. Good luck and great job on the weight you've loss! 0
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