I'm fat!

Obviously.

So here's the thing: I only eat about once a day. I'm not starving myself, I just don't feel hungry all that often. My one meal a day isn't generally overly large or unhealthy. My family is under the impression that I am just "destined" to be fat. My mom had a similar issue. She was never really obese, but she was chubby most of her life. She used to walk two miles a day and barely eat, but she just couldn't lose weight. Ever since I stopped being able to fit into my jeans, I've adopted the mentality that this is true for me also. It's just impossible and there's no use trying.

But that ends here! I want to lose weight. Not for one person in particular, but to better myself and thus improve the lives of my loved ones. My boyfriend is amazing and claims to love me despite how hideous I find myself, but I've been clingy and jealous and irritable because I just don't understand why he's with me. I keep thinking it's only a matter of time before someone more attractive comes along. It's stupid to think that after all he and I have been through together, but a low self-esteem is just so toxic. I have skipped out on a few social events that my daughter was invited to because I didn't want other people to see me and judge me. I don't go to visit my skinny sister if I can avoid it because I feel that I look like a water-retaining seacow next to her. I haven't spoke or hung out with most of my friends in two or three years; I'd rather if they just remembered me as being the average-weight thing I was than see what I've become.

Currently, my boyfriend is in the hospital fighting for his life. He and his best friend were victims of arson last Thursday. His best friend died and my boyfriend has been sedated this whole time, in a drug-induced coma and on a ventilator while his burned lungs heal. I want to be as strong as I can for him when he gets out and I badly need something to distract me, so I figured an adventure to do the impossible was a good idea.

I did cardio for twenty minutes today on top of walking my daughter to and from school and I finished off the last of my soda (I won't be buying any more). I'm going to try finding healthy and filling recipes tomorrow. It's going to be very difficult to ignore my urge to add cheese to everything, but I'm hoping I can manage. I don't know what I'm going to eat. I love potatoes, but generally I eat potatoes with salt, butter, and cheese, which are all apparently no-nos.

Any culinary suggestions?

Also, does anyone here drink Crystal Light? My sister is diabetic and has told me that it is healthy, cheap, and tastes just like Kool-Aid.