grrr trigger food dark chocolate cream brownies

Brandolin, What a supportive post, thank you so much again for you time and support.

You are SO welcome! How I wish I'd known about MFP when I started pursuing answers to my compulsive eating (back in 2009)... there is such a tremendously helpful community here.

..do you avoid certain foods? If so, which ones have you had to cut out?

I do have some foods that I abstain from, yes. My foods will be different than yours, but mine tend to be in the "sugary treat" category, esp. baked goods like cookies, cakes, and pies. Ice cream, candy, and chocolate of any sort are also on the list, as well as white bread (esp. sourdough), and white pasta. For some reason, eating whole grain versions of bread or pasta seem to be fine for me, although I still limit them so as not to trigger the behavior. I refuse to experiment with sweets though. I have had enough sweets for three lifetimes and am done playing with fire now.

I abstain from these foods because I have the same issues as you do ... in that if I eat one, I will eventually eat ten. I tried "being moderate" for years and years and years with zero success. I tried restricting for years and years with zero success. Even with counseling and a 12-step program, moderation and restriction did not work for me with these particular foods.

Abstinence is different than restriction. Restriction says, "this food is "bad", I am "bad" for eating it", and life will be "bad" if I eat it. Restriction causes you to obsess even more over the food. Restriction makes you feel terrified and hopeless and lonely without your special foods. Restriction causes you to fail before you even begin.

Abstinence, on the other hand, says, "I admit I am not able to control myself with this food. I admit that I am abusing it in an attempt to cope with the strong emotions I have in response to situations that life throws my way. I admit that when I am lost in these foods and food behaviors I am not fully present in life. I am using the food to avoid dealing with reality. I need help. Just for today, I choose to refrain from eating these foods and practicing these obsessive and compulsive behaviors with food. Just for today, I choose to learn other healthy ways of coping with my emotions. Just for today I will be content and grateful eating other types of food that do not trigger me. If I feel the same tomorrow, then I will abstain tomorrow as well - until further notice. In the meantime, I choose not to dream and scheme and wish and hope and pine for my trigger foods. I will work hard to think of ways to help myself cope with life. I do this out of love and protection for myself, not out of punishment or fear."

I finally admitted my problem, grieved the "loss" of these foods and behaviors, came up with a food plan and strategy to abstain from them, and have not touched them since (almost three years now)...because I do not feel I've been given the "go-ahead" to do so as I go day-to-day. I'm just not willing to "go there" anymore. I now consider my health (mental and physical), my sanity, spirituality, and relationships more important than my trigger foods. Before, the foods were all that mattered. No more.

Do you keep those foods in your house?

No, I do not keep these foods in the house. But I have lived with people who did and I treated those things just as if they were sitting on a store shelf or at work. In other words, I acknowledge that they belong to someone else, they are not mine, and I ignore them.

how do you approach others who are eating them and want you to have some too?

The first year I abstained from these things, I had many people offering me these foods, because y'know...that's just what people do. Like your friend, I just simply smiled and said "thank you for offering but no thanks, I'm good!" If they probed further I calmly and kindly explained that I am abstaining from eating these foods at this time as I'm on a special food plan. Usually that did the trick. If they asked FURTHER, then I went into full explanation mode: "if I eat one of these, I will eat ten of them, but there is nothing wrong with that food for other people and I have no problem if other people enjoy them, but for me, that food is a problem so I choose to just eat other things now." I have pretty much everyone in my life "trained" to know this by now, so people have stopped asking altogether. My Mom even calls me before holidays to ask if "such and such" is alright with me and/or if I'd like an alternative. People have been extremely supportive.

In terms of speaking to your husband, I think it'd be helpful to sit down with him and say in the most loving tone you can, "honey, I love that you love to give me gifts. They mean so much to me, because you mean so much to me. I know that in the past I've been so happy receiving food-oriented gifts from you and I appreciate all you've given me. But I am now realizing I have a problem with particular foods, such as brownies, etc. I am realizing that I am harming myself with these foods. So I need your help in overcoming my problem with these foods. I need to ask you to please give me other types of gifts when you get in the mood to give them. I love [insert other things you love such as flowers, notes, cards, back rubs, etc.]... would you please help me succeed by giving me other things?"

Odds are strong that if you truly have a loving husband, he'll begin to realize you're serious, and help you out! And like I said before, if he pushes back on this, gets obstinate, angry, shames you, etc. then I'd drag his tuckus into counseling to see what's really going on there.... Sometimes you need a trusted third person to moderate in these cases.

do you ever get cravings though? like when you feel upset, tired and just want "leave everything for a while"?

Now we get into the nuts and bolts of this issue. Yes, I used to have constant cravings for sweets, etc. and yes I realize now that was in direct response to the strong desire to "leave everything for a while" when I had to face uncomfortable/painful aspects of life. The word is: Escape. I wanted to escape. Eating was my way of avoiding reality.

I am happy to report that after several years of hard work in this area, I no longer get food cravings to deal with my emotions. Just saying that out loud is incredible to me. I never, ever, EVER thought I'd be saying that. Not at 43 years of age!

I feel as though I could write a book on this topic (but it's been done by better people, lol). Unfortunately there is no "quick answer" to this question. This is where you must find your answers for yourself personally. I highly recommend continuing with your therapy, getting into an Overeaters Anonymous or other 12-step group, reading as many books as you can on the subject (such as the one I recommended), doing journaling exercises that may be outlined in the OA program and in books, praying, having moments of introspection, writing letters to people who hurt you and throwing them away, and any other mental exercises that might help free you.

It's an emotional problem (compulsion, obsession, and avoidance of pain), deeply embedded inside a physical problem (addiction to particular foods and food behaviors). Only you can untangle that with the help of others and your higher power. It is a journey that goes well beyond dieting.

*his little face looked hurt
*the next day he said " have you tried some yet?"
*they were extra expensive ones
*his language of love is gifts
*he misreads my bingeing for a love of food
*I have dieticians and doctors in the family and they believe in the balanced approach
*I'm a mum, always tired
*I was always given food as a reward as a child
*I even remember my nan calling me a "greedy little girl" yet she would always offer me sweets fr being good

This explains a lot about your current situation! Hon, you have quite a lot to contend with in trying to get free of cravings! A husband who loves to give foods as gifts, medical experts in your family who tell you that you should "just eat less", exhaustion from taking care of little ones in the house, and a history of family who both loved and shamed you through food. No wonder you get so "bamboozled" by your binges!

As you start to pursue your history with food, develop strategies for getting free of compulsive eating, and practice boundaries with your loved ones, you will find a slow but steady release from all of these stressful elements, because you'll be handling them properly, emotionally speaking. Things start to come into alignment. You're not hiding from life - past or present - anymore. You're facing it, and dealing with it. So much of the stress you experience now doesn't come from outside situations....the worst of your stress comes from your inner environment which is in conflict with itself. Right now you are both the shaming, nagging mother (or jailer?), and the victim child who wants to be free. They both fight for dominance...and no one wins. You stay trapped in an endless cycle of bingeing, restricting, pleasing others, and shaming yourself. You need FREEDOM. And you can have it. You must seek it.

Sorry that was so long but there is SO much to say! I hope this has been helpful. If you have any other questions I'm happy to oblige. Blessings!
:flowerforyou: