Wife confusing me on my getting into shape again

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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Sorry mate. You married a woman. No point in expecting logic.
    Nah. He married a jerk.

    Sorry you're dealing with this, OP. No one should be belittled over appearance. She's put you in a catch-22 and it isn't fair. You need to have a very frank discussion with her about it.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,908 Member
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    Hello everyone. I've been getting back into shape after the usual hits from life that take so much out of all of us(college, then marriage, then kids and jobs). My problem is not the getting back into shape. Im using the sixpackshortcuts program and building muscle while losing fat at a very quick rate. The problem is the gym time and my wife wanting me home faster. I already have 2 hours each way on bus to a full time job. so I leave my house before shes awake and I get back to town in the early evening everyday.

    Heres where it starts getting contradictory for me and a bit confusing. She complains to me about being a bit overweight and tells me to lose the fat and become healthy. So I started working out like I used to and its working. I spend about 1 hour at the gym for 2 days for weights and then do workouts at home for the next 2 days on my own equipment and repeat. She tells me she hates it when I get home late and that the diet is pointless and I should just act normal again. But she really makes me feel bad about myself when im heavier and tears me down a lot with verbal abuse.

    So she wants me to be healthy and more lean, but doesn't want me to actually go through to work needed to make it happen. She gets mad at me either way so I really don't know what to do here.

    Any ideas? Any advice from people with similar experiences?

    Your wife sounds like a peach. I would suggest marriage counseling. No one deserves to be abused.
  • independant2406
    independant2406 Posts: 447 Member
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    ok- coming from a woman....

    I think your wife wants you to be healthy, but she might resent the time you spend away from your family. It's a difficult position to be in- I've been there with my husband.

    My advice is to keep working out, but also try to make some extra effort to spend time with your wife and kids. For example- how about signing up for a family exercise class (my local Y has a Family Zumba & Family Yoga classes), or even swimming or going for a bike ride together for the whole family?

    Also- you're getting time to yourself- to work on yourself...but... what time does she get for herself (which might be causing the resentment). Take the kids off her hands for a couple of hours on the weekend- take them to the park, ride bikes- they can play- and you can use the time for jumping jacks, running, push ups, etc. Even when you work out at home- can your kids get involved (good fitness is important regardless of their age. And BONUS- if they see you exercising- it will make them want to be healthier too.

    And my last peice of advice...go on a date with your wife. yes- a date! Let her see that you're putting as much effort into your relationship as you are into getting well. extra points if you can go on an "active" date- hiking- bowling....anything that doesn't require you sitting down!

    Good luck!


    This ^^^
  • bdenitto
    bdenitto Posts: 210 Member
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    My husband and I work out together so that we get more together time. We cycle as a family and go to the gym. Our gym has a daycare. I am a stay at home mom to our 3 year old and we selected our gym based on the daycare. I can leave my daughter at the daycare and focus on my workouts. I think someone stated your wife is pregnant and that is hard, especially if you are chasing another kid around. My husband bought a kid trailer for his bike, so that he can take our daughter out on some of his rides. Sit down with your wife and work out a schedule where you get time to workout, your family time is set, and where your wife gets her time as well. Setting a schedule helped me and my husband get what we want!
  • lmr0528
    lmr0528 Posts: 427 Member
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    Like others have said, it sounds like she's just upset about the time that you're away from home, not the fact that you're at the gym. She's probably lonely, just misses you. Can you guys find more time to be together? Maybe work out together, go for family walks in the evening, outings on the weekends?
  • Original_Sinner
    Original_Sinner Posts: 180 Member
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    sounds like a control issue.

    basically she's trying to manipulate and control you by making any choice you engage in the "wrong" choice.

    you just have to start doing what you want to do for you.
  • _Zardoz_
    _Zardoz_ Posts: 3,987 Member
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    Just agree then do it your own way ;-)
  • flyingv555
    flyingv555 Posts: 15
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    Nailed it!
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
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    Sounds like she has issues, perhaps with her own self-esteem. Does she get satisfaction out of telling you where you've gone wrong and what you should do about it? Try getting to the base of where she is coming from.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,712 Member
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    OP, I appreciate your level-headed response to the suggestions given and I don't mean to harp on this, but being pregnant, lonely, or whatever does NOT give you the right to be verbally abusive! Yes, hormones can you get all out of whack when you're pregnant but it still isn't okay. I think she needs to acknowledge that is wrong and she needs to stop that.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
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    4 hours of commuting, I would find another job../

    Agree with this or move closer.

    Just present her with the options as well. Workout will mean more time or not workout and you cna stay a bit heavy. Let her figure out a workable solution. Sounds a lot of hassle.
  • tallgirlshelley
    tallgirlshelley Posts: 108 Member
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    sounds like a control issue.

    basically she's trying to manipulate and control you by making any choice you engage in the "wrong" choice.

    you just have to start doing what you want to do for you.

    Having just dated a guy that was emotionally, verbally and physically abused for years by his wife, I have to agree with this. There is nagging and bickering and hormones and all that "normal" marriage stuff. But abuse is abuse. I'm not saying kick her to the curb, but please be aware of how you let yourself be treated. Your kids will learn from you and your wife how they're supposed to act when they grow up. Slippery slope...
  • Lesa_Sass
    Lesa_Sass Posts: 2,213 Member
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    You cant reason with a pregnant woman,.....period.

    Good luck dude., I feel for ya. Being a woman with crazy hormones is as hard on us is it is on you, I promise you that.

    After the baby comes and if she is still being irrational, sit down with her and tell her to make a plan for you to lose the weight and see what she comes up with.

    And it has been my experience, that when I am feeling really bad about myself, I would try to demean my husband to make him feel like crap too. It took a lot of work on me, but I finally realized what I was doing and stopped. I would be willing to bet she loves you no matter what.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    You cant reason with a pregnant woman,.....period.

    Good luck dude., I feel for ya. Being a woman with crazy hormones is as hard on us is it is on you, I promise you that.

    After the baby comes and if she is still being irrational, sit down with her and tell her to make a plan for you to lose the weight and see what she comes up with.

    And it has been my experience, that when I am feeling really bad about myself, I would try to demean my husband to make him feel like crap too. It took a lot of work on me, but I finally realized what I was doing and stopped. I would be willing to bet she loves you no matter what.

    axbpj.gif
  • Kate7294
    Kate7294 Posts: 783 Member
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    Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. Since she is pregnant and is a stay at home wife right now (our first daughter is in kindergarten) I am more than willing to accept that a lot of things can be from a hormonal imbalance. I am more of a practical thinker and she is the opposite sometimes. We do have clashes but have been together for a while and I care for her so much so I want to at least do my best to get to my goal.

    I will take your advice and sit with her so we can discuss the best course of action calmly. She has been talking about hating how heavy she feels with the baby inside her. She looks fine to me and I compliment her but she still has that insecurity. Perhaps its time to sell some stuff around the house and invest in putting together a home gym so I can do everything there and not need to sacrifice family time.

    Hearing it from all of you that it might be jealousy or insecurity that comes along with the current work situation coupled with her being pregnant is very reassuring that I need to make some changes to better accommodate my family. My father told me when growing up that its God first, Family second, Work third.

    Thanks again everyone for the support.

    You sound like a smart man. Yes I was hormonal my first pregnancy. The second not so much. Though my 3 yr. old does drive me crazy while my 16 yr. old just hides in his room. Good luck
  • jessilee119
    jessilee119 Posts: 444 Member
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    See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.
  • DeadliftAddict
    DeadliftAddict Posts: 746 Member
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    See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    White Men Can't Jump!
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    Hello everyone. I've been getting back into shape after the usual hits from life that take so much out of all of us(college, then marriage, then kids and jobs). My problem is not the getting back into shape. Im using the sixpackshortcuts program and building muscle while losing fat at a very quick rate. The problem is the gym time and my wife wanting me home faster. I already have 2 hours each way on bus to a full time job. so I leave my house before shes awake and I get back to town in the early evening everyday.

    Heres where it starts getting contradictory for me and a bit confusing. She complains to me about being a bit overweight and tells me to lose the fat and become healthy. So I started working out like I used to and its working. I spend about 1 hour at the gym for 2 days for weights and then do workouts at home for the next 2 days on my own equipment and repeat. She tells me she hates it when I get home late and that the diet is pointless and I should just act normal again. But she really makes me feel bad about myself when im heavier and tears me down a lot with verbal abuse.

    So she wants me to be healthy and more lean, but doesn't want me to actually go through to work needed to make it happen. She gets mad at me either way so I really don't know what to do here.

    Any ideas? Any advice from people with similar experiences?

    For starters before all that other stuff....

    What do you want??
  • MityMax96
    MityMax96 Posts: 5,778 Member
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    Also let me say this too.....
    as others have mentioned.

    Seems like you are early in your marriage....
    so if there is verbal/mental/emotional abuse. Get that addressed now, and get it worked out.

    I spent the last 14 yrs of my life dealing with that......you think you can take it, and deal with it and if you just do a little more she will be happy.
    No doesn't work like that.
    IT WILL BREAK YOU IN TIME.....You will be miserable.

    No way to live my man.

    I am now walking away from the last 14 yrs of my life....everything I have worked, sweated and poured into.....all given to her.
    I am having to start over now....

    But I do feel better, I ain't walking on egg shells.

    Get the issue addressed now, and it won't be easy....control freaks don't like to be tested.
    But it will be worth it......

    Good luck
  • tabicatinthehat
    tabicatinthehat Posts: 329 Member
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    Tell her to quit crying. You gotta do some things for yourself. She's probably going to throw all your belongings on the lawn, but hey... freedom.

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