I dont know were this is headed anymore
Romyarts2014
Posts: 201 Member
in Chit-Chat
I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months. I know it has not been that long but when we first met I couldnt stop smiling. So perfect in every sense. Own house, job, sweet, caring and emotionally there for me. I didint technically move in with him but since the first day we met I have been with him everynight. At first sex, laughing and conversation in general was amazing. But now.. We still have great sex, laugh and conversation but theres just something I cant kick. A)Feelings that are still there for his ex 
Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.
I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships.
I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......
I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?
Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships.
I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......
I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?
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Replies
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"A)Feelings that are still there for his ex"
Are you a rebound that fizzled out?0 -
Have you spoken to him about how you feel?0
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Didn't you just have a similar post about this before? the guy thought about his ex but was with her for 7 years? I think so.
Just break up........you are already showing signs you don't want to be there by questioning this relationship on a forum multiple times.
If you think you give up life for someone then they already deserve better than you. Sorry, but when you are with someone for the right reason, they make life better even if you are just sitting on the couch with them.
Multiple times?
1 posted 1 other forum about his exgf something that i have had to deal with ...
I come on here for advice... you dont have to post on here if this bothers you!0 -
Have you spoken to him about how you feel?
Yea we speak about it . He just tells me hes fine and that he loves me etc... its just this look and this gut feeling I have... 1st relationship were I just cant read him0 -
"A)Feelings that are still there for his ex"
Are you a rebound that fizzled out?
they broke up a year ago..
but he told me he still has feelings and thinks about her.. I came to the realization that I have to get used to it..0 -
Trust yourself.
If you have doubts and you are only three months in, then you're probably better off taking some alone time .
The man you are with shouldn't make you feel like he's thinking of someone else, especially in such a new relationship0 -
"A)Feelings that are still there for his ex"
Are you a rebound that fizzled out?
they broke up a year ago..
but he told me he still has feelings and thinks about her.. I came to the realization that I have to get used to it..
No. You don't "have" to get used to it.0 -
Didn't you just have a similar post about this before? the guy thought about his ex but was with her for 7 years? I think so.
Just break up........you are already showing signs you don't want to be there by questioning this relationship on a forum multiple times.
If you think you give up life for someone then they already deserve better than you. Sorry, but when you are with someone for the right reason, they make life better even if you are just sitting on the couch with them.
Multiple times?
1 posted 1 other forum about his exgf something that i have had to deal with ...
I come on here for advice... you dont have to post on here if this bothers you!
Open, public forum.
People can post if they want to.
Seriously just break up.
The fact you have to make 2 threads on 2 different issues with this guy is pathetic.0 -
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Go with your gut instincts. You don't have to accept the first decent guy that walks through the door. maybe there is someone better than him for you out there. just saying, there are other men out there that have their stuff together besides the guy your with now.0
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I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months. I know it has not been that long but when we first met I couldnt stop smiling. So perfect in every sense. Own house, job, sweet, caring and emotionally there for me. I didint technically move in with him but since the first day we met I have been with him everynight. At first sex, laughing and conversation in general was amazing. But now.. We still have great sex, laugh and conversation but theres just something I cant kick. A)Feelings that are still there for his ex Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.
I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships.
I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......
I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?
You need to learn how to be single. It's easier to hide yourself in a relationship, but learning to be on your own and value who you are as an individual is priceless.0 -
Any time you put yourself into a situation where you are financially dependent on someone that you do not really know well - it colors all your decisions in a bad way. Taking a relationship to the level you feel it is - this fast - is also problematic.
It sounds like you are looking for some one to make your problems go away and that just doesn't happen in the real world. Get back out on your own, learn to be independent, and then when you are stable - look at adding someone else in the mix.0 -
I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months. I know it has not been that long but when we first met I couldnt stop smiling. So perfect in every sense. Own house, job, sweet, caring and emotionally there for me. I didint technically move in with him but since the first day we met I have been with him everynight. At first sex, laughing and conversation in general was amazing. But now.. We still have great sex, laugh and conversation but theres just something I cant kick. A)Feelings that are still there for his ex Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.
I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships.
I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......
I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?
I have a feeling you already know what you should do....and he does too.
Let this go.
I say this because I remember your post from a couple of weeks ago with his thoughts of his ex and all.
He doesn't want to hurt you but the truth is, you guys moved to playing house waaay too soon.
Get yourself together and move on. If it's meant to be, down the road, fate will find a way to put you two back together.
Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
Sounds like the honeymoon period might be coming to an end... ( not necessarily a bad thing, just one of those things, relationships dont stay in those first flourishes forever..) Im not sure anyone on here can come up with answer to your problem (its a personal thing between you and Mr X), but Ill give you my view for whats its worth...
'Feelings that are still there for his ex' - Is this a hunch, or something he's said? He did spend a long time with her, so there's no denying she existed, but if he constantly bangs on about her, then that seems a bit odd. Is he still in contact? If so, how much and for what reasons?
'Every time we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough' - Do you pay what you can afford, or chip in what you would normally budget for groceries, or just let him foot the bill? I can see why that might garner some resentment if he pays all the time and you chip in nothing. The imbalance in earnings might be something you just have to work out in the long term. I can understand it feeling awkward, but there are plenty of relationships where its not in balance. Lots of women go part time or no-time when children come along, (my situation exactly) so its something the two of you need to work out.
'I cook for him, clean his house' - Has he asked you do this? Did you discuss it and agree it? If you're expecting him to foot more of the grocery bill because you do some housework, but he doesn't care whether you do or not, it could be a cause for some tension.
'He seems angry half the time' - Definitely need to get to the bottom of this... If its half the time, that doesnt sound like theres much laughter, loving and conversation going on? You need to talk...
'I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me.' - Theres absolutely nothing wrong with making time for yourself, in fact I think its very healthy. Good friends of mine in the past have dropped everything for the first flourishes of a new romance, when/if it all goes sour, they have little or nothing left in way of friendships or hobbies/pastimes. I know its difficult when you are head over heels, but best to keep some time for just you. Whether that's an evening a week, or a weekend morning etc, its important.. Too much of a good thing can be bad. I try to get out on the golf course once a week, its the only real 'me' time I get between, work and family commitments and I am SO much better for it.
' I want marriage and kids I want it all' - Are you telling him this? 3 months, for him, might be too soon, and it might be scaring him off a little... No need to rush into such huge commitments with a guy you haven't been with for that long. One for conversation and explain that you aren't looking to rush things, unless of course you are.. If he isnt it might be one of those unassailable things that just cant be fixed.
Other people have said it, but you really need to try and talk about these things. Alternative is to let it ride, and if you do, it might become such a big problem that either one of you walks, when in fact it was something completely separate to your relationship, that could have been solved over a decent chat.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.0 -
Ditto what ljones27uk said. Also just because he thinks of his ex doesn't mean he wants to be with her. I still think about my ex from over 20 years ago and I hope he is well and happy; but that doesn't mean I want to be with him. I just care about him as a fellow human being and old friend. FYI0
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Maybe he just needs a Snickers0
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Did OP ever say how she found out he was thinking of an ex?0
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Aren't you the same OP who got upset because your BF THOUGHT about someone else?? You sound clingy. Just break up and do him a favor.0
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. I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant.
Advice?
STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
You've given up things that made you happy? Oh NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! These are the things that make you an individual. This is the stuff that you bring TO the relationship. This is the stuff that you do for yourself to be happy. When you rely solely on another individual for your happiness, you're just sowing seeds of resentment later.
And you've gone from being the girlfriend to being his wife/maid, in what? 3 months? O.o
I hate to be the one to say it, but GO BACK TO BEING THE GIRLFRIEND. Let go a little bit. Three months is a VERY short time to step into the role of wife, no matter how badly you may think you want that title.
It doesn't sound like he wants a haus frau. There is NOTHING sexy about cleaning a toilet three months in. If he's got his *kitten* that together, let HIM buy his own groceries. You're not living together, You don't "owe" him groceries. You can offer to cook dinner with what he's got in his fridge or MAYBE bring over a treat, but that's as far as I'd push it.
(If you've met his parents, what's the dynamic between him mom and dad? Does she wait on him hand and foot or is she off doing her own thing? That alone speaks VOLUMES, by the way.)
My advice:
Be a little less available. You don't need to be there EVERY day.
Make YOU the priority.
GO back to doing the things YOU love to do, the things that make YOU who you are.
And STOP BEING HIS HOUSEKEEPER!!
When you go back to being his girlfriend, you might find that things get better and are more fun.0 -
I have been dating a guy for almost 3 months. I know it has not been that long but when we first met I couldnt stop smiling. So perfect in every sense. Own house, job, sweet, caring and emotionally there for me. I didint technically move in with him but since the first day we met I have been with him everynight. At first sex, laughing and conversation in general was amazing. But now.. We still have great sex, laugh and conversation but theres just something I cant kick. A)Feelings that are still there for his ex Financially I am not in a good boat to everyday be in another city having to go back and worth each day . I cook for him, clean his house. I have met all of his family and friends. Lately he just seems more distant. Everytime we do groceries I try to pay but he ends up having to pay because I just dont make enough. He seems angry half the time.
I like him alot, but I also miss being on my own. But for the first time in ever I have met a man that has his **** in line and has all the atributes I want in a man. But before him I was for the first time single after years of dreaful relationships.
I was living in America and moved to Europe 1 year ago. Since I moved here I got my own apartment and am completley doing my own thing. Now that I met this guy Its like I have dropped everything I thought was fun to me. Going into the cities on my own, sitting have a cup of coffee just being on my own.......
I dont know I am just lost. He says he is in love with me and wants to be with me but his eyes tell me something different.
And with all the insecurities and stress coming from my side I dont know if I am best for him now. I dont want to hurt him with game playing. I want marriage and kids I want it all... I just dont know if he is real about his feelings and effort when it comes to me.
Advice?
I have a feeling you already know what you should do....and he does too.
Let this go.
I say this because I remember your post from a couple of weeks ago with his thoughts of his ex and all.
He doesn't want to hurt you but the truth is, you guys moved to playing house waaay too soon.
Get yourself together and move on. If it's meant to be, down the road, fate will find a way to put you two back together.
Good luck :flowerforyou:
Just wanted to add, it's probably best that you do this on YOUR terms rather than whatever circumstances happen to be when this all comes to a head. You don't want to be caught out there financially.0 -
It sounds as if things have already run their course, and it's time to move on. The newness of relationships is always so much fun, but after a time, when the newness wears off and reality sets in, things can become more "clear."
If you stay and he goes back to his ex (which I think is highly likely), then you'll hate yourself for not having done something sooner.
It sounds like you already know the answer.0 -
I'm seeing a lot of problems.
1. This is not a good relationship just because it is better than your crummy past relationships.
2. Just because someone broke up a year ago does not mean they are ready to date new people. He was not and is not emotionally ready to date you. The fact that he is still thinking about his ex at all means he needs time to get over her. The fact that he also has feelings for her... I don't even know why you'd be with him?
3. You moved in WAY too fast. You didn't let your relationship grow at all. Instead, you rushed into playing house too soon. You fight over grocery money? You are not ready to do this.
4. You're living through him. You're forfeiting your exploration of your surroundings in order to try to be a part of his world. You're not in his world. You have a sex visa right now into his world. He is still emotionally connected to his ex. He's not yours as long as that is true.0 -
I have the same insecurities with my husband we've been together for 10 years.
Maybe you're just like me and its just you, your insecurities. Either way do what's
right for you but don't play him along if you plan to split. Be honest with him. Hope
that helps, good luck!0 -
If this is on your mind so much and you have a gut feeling, your body and mind are both screaming at you to let it go. I don't know if this is a "I don't know if I'll find someone else thing' but everyone deserves to feel loved and safe in their relationship.0
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Here is what I'm getting out of all of this....
You're saying that you miss your alone time, yet you've been staying at his house every day, and you're saying that it's taking a toll on you financially to drive to work from there every day and that you can't afford to buy groceries for his house.
I think that you need to take a step back and distance yourself a bit. When I first met me husband, I will admit that we stayed over each other's houses a lot but we still had plenty of time to ourselves up until we bought our home together almost 3 years later. Obviously every relationship is different, as we've known people who have started off at completely opposite ends of the spectrum (living together right off the bat, or dating for many years while living separately) and they've been perfectly happy, but don't force yourself into something you're not really ready for. If you force it, then it's not going to help anything - the tension will get worse.
You also shouldn't be dropping all of the things that are fun to you. A relationship is not about changing your way of life to conform to someone else's, it should be adding to your quality of life. Don't give up the things that you love for him.
If you try doing this and it doesn't help, then it's clearly not meant to be. Honestly, having this many doubts this early in the relationship isn't a great sign of things to come.0 -
Honestly? The hard truth?
You're way too clingy. Even if someone falls head over heels for you in the first month, if you don't go away occasionally in the second month, he's going to be sick of you by the third month. That's human nature. Go hang out in your own apartment a few nights a week. Nobody stays in love with someone who clings too tightly and questions the other person's motives every five seconds. And your words seem to hint that you're using him for money or that he might feel that you're using him for money.
How many times a day do you ask this guy "Do you love me?" If it's more than zero, there's a problem.
How many times a day do you tell him "I love you" and then stand there tapping your foot if he doesn't respond? Do you expect him to say it back every single time? That gets really old really fast.
How many times a day do you say "I cleaned your....." when you really mean "I snooped through every drawer in your house under the guise of cleaning it."
If you answered any of these in the affirmative, you're killing your brand new relationship.0 -
Most relationships start the same way...even though most will deny it fervently....".I want someone in my life...I am lonely...I deserve to be happy...I...I...I...and I....." . unfortunately...that's a bad start and almost always ends up in a terrible relationship held together " for the kids sake" ..or divorce.....Been there, done that..got a shirt...burned it. OP, my "advice" should you choose to accept this mission, is to take a week off with your boyfriend...take time to reevaluate the REAL reason you started this relationship. You may very well find it was because " YOU felt it was right..YOU thought he could make you happy...YOU...YOU...YOU..."...if indeed that's the case..it's time for YOU to end the relationship until YOU can begin thinking about how YOU can be a blessing to HIM...and how YOU can be sure HE will be a blessing to YOU. Love is a gift, not an expectation. If you doubt his desire for you..then the problem is not going to be fixed by words..only actions. and if the action is not there, the words wont matter. Secondly, do some soul searching and find out what it is you are missing in your life that you are trying to find in others. Once you know what it is, you wont need to fill that spot with a person..and then you can TRULY love someone for who they are and not what they can do for you or make you feel. Praying for you and wish you the best in the decision you must make.0
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Dude, it's been three months and you already have problems that other couples have after a few years.
Just move on. And the next time you meet a dude you like, don't become his housekeeper.0 -
Dude, it's been three months and you already have problems that other couples have after a few years.
Just move on. And the next time you meet a dude you like, don't become his housekeeper.
Ladies love being the maid though. LOL0 -
Why are you over at his house every day? Has he even been inviting you over? Give him and yourself some space and let things settle down a bit. Be a responsible adult and do what's best for you, and that means being financially responsible for your own groceries.
Don't break up unless you want to. I really think you just need to take a step back, give him and yourself space, and make decisions with a clear head. With the way you two are being so attached, it's difficult to have sound judgement when it comes to your relationship.0
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