Others sabotaging efforts to lose weight...

Options
2

Replies

  • bwogilvie
    bwogilvie Posts: 2,130 Member
    Options
    Thank you all for the input. I am just going to have to be extra strong. The problem is not the fact that he buys the stuff and eats it in front of me... he will literally press custard filled donuts to my lips and say "Just take a bite!" It is bizarre but yes, I understand, it is MY problem for being overweight and MY responsibility to get healthy. I just wish he wouldn't do that. It makes me feel bad and it makes it hard to make good choices.

    Welcome to MFP!

    That is bizarre behavior that you describe. I can only think of a few explanations:

    - He feels bad about his own weight or health, and he wants you to eat what he eats so that he doesn't feel guilty.

    - He likes you at your current weight and he wants to sabotage your efforts because he thinks you'll become less attractive.

    - He is afraid that you will lose weight and then leave him for someone more attractive.

    Whatever the answer, if you can afford couples counseling, it might be useful. Or if you're religious, talk to your pastor/priest/rabbi/imam/whatever, who might be able to help or to refer you to someone else.

    Good luck on your journey!
  • auddii
    auddii Posts: 15,357 Member
    Options
    Thank you all for the input. I am just going to have to be extra strong. The problem is not the fact that he buys the stuff and eats it in front of me... he will literally press custard filled donuts to my lips and say "Just take a bite!" It is bizarre but yes, I understand, it is MY problem for being overweight and MY responsibility to get healthy. I just wish he wouldn't do that. It makes me feel bad and it makes it hard to make good choices.
    If he is forcing food into your mouth, I'd seriously suggest marriage counseling. If he is refusing to listen to you, then you need someone to help y'all with your communication.
  • sarahjane135
    sarahjane135 Posts: 40 Member
    Options
    Everyone's husband that I know does that, including mine. I think it's a few different things like he thinks I'm suffering in some way from lack of junk, he thinks I've done well and deserve a reward, he feels sorry for me because I'm not eating boatloads of foods he knows I find delicious, he's trying to be nice, etc. Yesterday I asked him to pick up some gum and he forgot the gum and bought 2 cadbury eggs for me. I told him thank you for thinking of me and remembering I love those but just get me one next time. I ate one slowly while moaning in an almost x-rated fashion and the other is on the bar. I enjoyed the first with no guilt whatsoever so I don't have to eat the second one right away.
  • Zerodette
    Zerodette Posts: 200 Member
    Options
    I ate one slowly while moaning in an almost x-rated fashion and the other is on the bar.

    Guess he won't stop buying them for you...
  • PurringMyrrh
    PurringMyrrh Posts: 5,296 Member
    Options
    My boss just bought us pizza for dinner after I've already eaten my high fiber/low carb chicken spinach wraps. The big jerk.
  • MsHarryWinston
    MsHarryWinston Posts: 1,027 Member
    Options
    Thankfully no. When I'm trying to eat healthy or lose weight my guy goes out and buys veggies and fruit. Apples, bananas, etc. and then stands there grinning like a puppy because "look baby I'm helping!". He won't asks me about how much weight I've lost or anything, he just minds his own business unless I feel open to sharing and then he will cheer me on. Or he'll pick up something from the store for me on the way home if I ask.
    If he started trying to shove donuts in my mouth I'd be pretty annoyed. I mean, I still eat donuts, but seriously OP, te way your husband went about it just seems mean.
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    Options
    I ate one slowly while moaning in an almost x-rated fashion and the other is on the bar.

    Lol. I'll have what she's having.
  • harpy4ire
    harpy4ire Posts: 5 Member
    Options
    Not sabotaging, per say. But just peoples attitudes when you decide to go healthy! I quit smoking and lost 15kg this year. Some were supportive. Some teased me about quitting smoking coz, well, it's a running joke between me and those particular people that we just seemed to quit and relapse again and again. But some people are just downright nasty about it! One 'friend' stopped talking to me because I was actually succeeding. Another is *very* open about the fact she's just waiting for me to put the weight back on and keeps filling me in on cheap tobaccos even though I haven't smoked in months (because obviously, moneys the only reason to quit *rolls eyes*). And even some of those who are proud of me for quitting smoking go quiet and uncomfortable when I wear something that shows off how much weight I've lost so beach seasons gonna be... Interesting.

    It is valuable though, getting to experience this. Taught me not to bow to anyone's insecurities, least of all my own. And gave me a chance to find out who actually deserves to be in my life and clean out all people toxic. Coz guess what? I damn well can
  • VelveteenArabian
    VelveteenArabian Posts: 758 Member
    Options
    That being said, be a jerk right back. Bite the doughnut and spit it out at him. Tell him "Thank you for making me feel bad about trying to do better for myself". He treats you how you allow him to treat you. The second you stop reacting in a way he doesn't find funny, his tune will change.

    He is being a HUGE jerk so I hope he's amazing in bed or has a high paying job or has SOMETHING that is so fan-effing-tastic that more than makes up for that abusive behavior.
    If that's what you think is an appropriate response to him offering someone a doughnut, you should just get a divorce. It'd be easier.

    To him shoving a doughnut in her face after she's already stated she's trying to mind her foot intake, that response is a mild one. Treat people how they treat you.
  • LumberJacck
    LumberJacck Posts: 559 Member
    Options
    This is partially why I am hesitant to start dating until I'm at goal weight. Not so much of the offering the food/touching the lips with food (I can say "no" pretty easily and stick to that) but I'm sure you're well aware that couples who start a relationship tend to eat more together (especially at the start), I'm not sure how well it would work with me doing my low carb diet and she wants to eat something carb laden.
  • firststepformefal
    firststepformefal Posts: 180 Member
    Options
    Do not tell him. Get support from others, who will support you rather than sabotage you.
  • jillybeansalad
    jillybeansalad Posts: 239 Member
    Options
    I would communicate with him and tell him that actions like that make it difficult for you. Maybe explain to him what you would like to see as support? I would really hope that he would be supportive as your spouse.

    Some people just have no idea what is expected of them... common sense is not so common.
  • fluffyasacat
    fluffyasacat Posts: 242 Member
    Options
    Everyone's husband that I know does that, including mine.

    i]
  • LumberJacck
    LumberJacck Posts: 559 Member
    Options
    Put it in a bag for later.

    Later, throw out the bag.

    Later still, "That donut was delicious!"
  • TMM211073
    TMM211073 Posts: 153 Member
    Options
    Sabotage can only happen if you let it happen....

    One donut isn't going to make you fat anyway, so what harm is there in saying yes - just factor it into your day, or the rest of the week, by cutting back on something else.

    The other option is find a new husband, because the one you have is seriously defective - if my husband shoved food in my face (whether I wanted it or not) I would break his nose.... That is domestic abuse....!!

    xXx
  • Patttience
    Patttience Posts: 975 Member
    Options
    A lot of people, most perhaps, don't really get it when we assert ourselves saying something different to what they are used to from us. People seem to be just unable to take each other seriously. If you can't get yourself taken seriously, try just keeping your stuff to yourself and finding other ways to follow through with your plans until you are feeling stronger and ready to tackle his lack of support.

    So rather than pushing up against a brick wall. Try to just start your diet without talking about it. Try to do it on your own and find support elsewhere.

    You can do this every time he shows up with tempting foods. He will get it after a while. But it sounds like it would be a very tough situation.

    if he doesn't know you are trying to lose weight, he might not think about pushing your buttons so deliberately. But if you want him to stop his sabotaging behaviour, you will make him realise you are really pissed off and need him to toe the line. To get him to listen and take notice of you, you might have to communicate in a way that's different than how you usually do it. Silence can be good. Or you could try to doing a deal with him. LIsten, so long as you keep trying to sabotage my weightloss efforts, i'm not going to xyz for you (be it cooking, doing his laundry, or whatever) and then stick to it. Just a suggestion.
  • CheeriOkie
    CheeriOkie Posts: 6
    Options
    Wow... I have to admit I never even considered it domestic abuse. I still don't I guess. Maybe I am a little messed up. Now that I read all the responses and contemplate his behavior, I kind of feel badly for HIM, not myself.

    Maybe he is trying to keep things "the way they are" or maybe he is trying to show me he is ok with how I am. Before me, he has always dated heavy women. Some much heavier than me. His mother is extremely heavy. I don't know if he finds it attractive or comforting or if he is insecure of where we will go if I lose weight. He has never ever told me to lose weight or said I was to heavy. He does however make fun of heavy women and joke about the weight of others. THAT really hurts me. it is really hard to understand why he would do such a thing. Why he would try to get me to eat the very things that has made me this way? Why would he laugh about other women as heavy as I am and yet say "I am not talking about YOU!"

    No, I am not going to give in. I understand it is totally my choice to open my mouth and ingest what I do. I am just trying to understand the WHY behind the things in my life. but when he did that, I kind of felt bad for HIM. When I saw him sit in the car driving down the road and eating four donuts before we even got home, chasing it with a Mountain Dew, I knew he was abusing his body. Maybe not consciously, but that is what it was.

    Again, thanks everyone. This is going to be a long journey for me. Forty pounds seems like such a small number, but it is very difficult to lose. Especially for me.
  • Bukawww
    Bukawww Posts: 159 Member
    Options
    My husband does stuff like this. Sometimes I know that it is his own unwillingness to change what he knows he should about himself (he would call me in the middle of my racquetball game, ask me what I was doing (he knew...), and ask me to pick up garbage food on my way home. Those times I truly did wonder if he really preferred fatties or if he was maybe worried I'd get super hot and leave him lol). Other times I know that he knows how much I truly love food and wants to show 'love'. The rest of the time, he just forgets (he will offer me a bite of something, I will shoot him a look, and he will retract his offer and apologize). He's never been a jerk about it (other than scenario #1 which was several years ago)...I would not respond well to being teased with food. That seems mean spirited.

    I would definitely have a conversation with him that lets him know how deeply this affects you.
  • BigLifter10
    BigLifter10 Posts: 1,151 Member
    Options
    I have a close friend who is an ultimate "people pleaser" and to sum it all up: Her husband does this every time as well. He also is addicted to 'junk' food - you name it, he wants it. But, what it comes down to for them (and he finally fessed up) is that if she loses weight (has lost the same 60 lbs over and over again) then she will leave him. Actually, she SHOULD leave him, but that's another issue. Point being that he wants her to be overweight because then nobody looks at her. When she loses weight, she feels a lot better about herself, wants to do more, likes to be involved with others and wants to look good when she leaves the house. All that equals one big honkin' THREAT to the one who wants to keep the status quo. Sabotage is rarely about the person whom it is directed at and more about the person who is the offender. What you eat is up to you.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Options
    Wow... I have to admit I never even considered it domestic abuse. I still don't I guess. Maybe I am a little messed up. Now that I read all the responses and contemplate his behavior, I kind of feel badly for HIM, not myself.

    Maybe he is trying to keep things "the way they are" or maybe he is trying to show me he is ok with how I am. Before me, he has always dated heavy women. Some much heavier than me. His mother is extremely heavy. I don't know if he finds it attractive or comforting or if he is insecure of where we will go if I lose weight. He has never ever told me to lose weight or said I was to heavy. He does however make fun of heavy women and joke about the weight of others. THAT really hurts me. it is really hard to understand why he would do such a thing. Why he would try to get me to eat the very things that has made me this way? Why would he laugh about other women as heavy as I am and yet say "I am not talking about YOU!"

    No, I am not going to give in. I understand it is totally my choice to open my mouth and ingest what I do. I am just trying to understand the WHY behind the things in my life. but when he did that, I kind of felt bad for HIM. When I saw him sit in the car driving down the road and eating four donuts before we even got home, chasing it with a Mountain Dew, I knew he was abusing his body. Maybe not consciously, but that is what it was.

    Again, thanks everyone. This is going to be a long journey for me. Forty pounds seems like such a small number, but it is very difficult to lose. Especially for me.

    Drop the "WHY."
    It is too hard to figure out why he does something.

    Focus on the "WHAT" and "HOW" of your own behaviors --- making choices that fit in with your calories for the day.
    You can do that and be successful.

Categories