Self-hate tips?

Lose30x30 · October 2014

OK so I’m looking for real advice. I understand the answer may just be “try to love yourself” but I think we all know how hard that can be. So here goes:

I hate my body right now. I’m not extremely obese (I am technically obese for my height, but modern day culture would probably call me a little chubby) and I can wear normal clothes, etc – but I can’t help it. I’ve heard that you should stare in the mirror and ignore the things you really hate (thick paunch of fat under my belly button, puffy waist, rounded upper arms) and focus on what you like. And again, I’m not an extreme case but the thing is – I don’t really like anything right now. My face looks puffy, my sides have little creases, my legs look super out of shape, etc – the way I gain weight is just to distribute it everywhere and so there’s not a place I can look at and say “that looks good” or “I’m confident about that”. Even my chest, which I like in clothing, looks less attractive au natural. I know it’s probably irrational but I literally am not happy with any part of me right now – even my fingers and hands are a little chubbier and jewelry is snug.

I know that I’ll get back down to a weight I’m happy with eventually but I have also heard that self-hate can sabotage those efforts, and lord knows it’s distracting. I go through the day almost entirely either pre-occupied or consciously aware of things like the roll that forms when I’m sitting, how my clothes cut into me, or whether I’m showing a double chin when I look down.

Does anyone have any advice that may have worked for them as far as a) getting rid of the hate! And b) stopping the all-day-long cycle of noticing it? I’m desperate as it’s really pre-occupying and I have a feeling it is stalling my progress. I know it may be tempting to say “focus on your strength or what your body is capable of”, and that’s totally rational! I’m not discounting that advice…but at the end of the day, looks matter to me and I’m so discouraged that I let it get to this point. It's bad enough to hate yourself for gaining weight, but to hate your body is like being stuck in a little prison you can't ignore.

Thanks in advance for any tips!

moya_bleh · October 2014

In for the replies as I'm in the same boat.

VelveteenArabian · October 2014

In, I've got nothing.

epona08 · October 2014

Also in for the replies.

Peanutmanak47 · October 2014

Become enemies with you fat? Get a hatred of it instead of self-hate for it. Talk **** to your own body. Build the mentality that you own your body and your going to make it great and the fat is going to straight up **** off and your going to love the new body that replaces it.

Key is that you have to find a positive way to spin that hate you have.

Also, a therapist might help ya out.

Wheelhouse15 · October 2014

I'm concerned that you equate your worth to your love or hate of your body or specific parts of it. Not sure if hating your body is healthy and that loving yourself needs to be equated with your body image. I think you need to talk to a professional about the potential for body dismorphia (http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd) I don't like diagnosis over the Internet since I don't know you but your post certainly throws a few flags.

Unfortunately, if you are seeking self-worth based on how you look you will never find it because you will always find flaws. I hope you will reevaluate what loving yourself means and find a way to divorce it from body image.

Lose30x30 · October 2014

I'm trying not to come off as defensive, but I think you missed the point of my post. I'm not equating all of my worth with my body - I'm simply saying that it is an area in which I'm not satisfied. I don't discount things like friends, family, shelter, a great job, etc - but my body does get me down and pre-occupy me sometimes.

Also, I do see a therapist for a variety of things but we did determine that I am not literally seeing a different body in the mirror than what exists. I know I'm not incredibly obese, but I've had (gentle) 3rd party confirmation that what I see is real.

Thanks for the thoughts, I know you're coming from a positive place - I just don't think it's as relevant here.

Lose30x30 · October 2014

Peanutmanak47 - that is the kind of post I can get behind! You totally get that "be positive" doesn't always work - and I think I might really be able to hop on board with the separating "my fat" from "myself" thing... I will have to try it tonight. Fingers crossed...

Also, I'm so relieved to see that I'm not alone in this - you start to feel crazy after awhile, right?

skiextrm · October 2014

I think you are caught in a cycle of "negative self talk". Try to gain control of it by telling yourself "Stop!!" When these thoughts start. Then have a "rational reply" ready to substitute and tell yourself, like, "I am working on changing this and it is Okay that it will take time". You might want to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, self-help books. Negative self talk is an expanding cycle that will continue to bring you down, if you don't learn techniques to deal with it. Good luck and I am sure you are lovely!

Solar_Cat · October 2014

Does anyone have any advice that may have worked for them as far as a) getting rid of the hate! And b) stopping the all-day-long cycle of noticing it?

There are two activities that I've found to work really, really well:

1) Regular exercise
2) Regular mindfulness meditation

One or the other works a bit. Both together work really well, at least for me. YMMV.

If you can't find a meditation or an MBSR (mindfulness-based stress reduction) course in your area, or if you prefer to do it yourself, here's a short reading list:

Mindfulness for Beginners, Jon Kabat-Zinn
Mindfulness for Dummies, Shamash Alidina
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Dummies, Dr. Patrizia Collard
Full Catastrophe Living, Jon Kabat-Zinn

The first two are more introductory; the second two more in-depth. All are highly recommended.

Above all, be kind to yourself. All the best to you. I hope this helps.

Archerychickge · October 2014

I think it's time to put away the mirrors for a while and focus on being a happier you. What makes you happy? Your SO? Your kids? Your dog? Exercise? Volunteer work? Whatever it is, spend time in that, invest in it. Feel good about you as a person first then you can start to see yourself in a more forgiving light. It sounds like you are on that path already working with a therapist, which is great, but it might be time to vamp up the motivational aspect with the therapist. Learning to hate your fat self will make it even harder on you should you ever slip back into that again. I think you would be better off learning to hate the bad habits that prevent you from acheiving your goals.

I would also say, what is the image you want to acheive? Are you doing anything to get there? Maybe it's time to change up your routine and get a fresh perspective on how you will acheive yur goal of a more fit and toned you.

It's challenging to be sure. I still look inthe mirror and dislike what I see even though in my heart and in my head I know I've come a long way already and people tell me how great I look now almost daily. Would I love to have a rockin hard-body? Heck yeah, but realistically that may not be in the cards for me. I have come to the realization that the only opinions about me that really matter are mine and my husband's. Beyond that, people are going to form their own opinions and you can't hang your hat on what others may or may not think of you.

In the end, work towards your goal, but also give yourself some credit for the progress you are already making. I wish you noting but success!

Wheelhouse15 · October 2014

I'm happy to hear that you are addressing issues with a therapist and they have made a deterimination. In that light. I agree with others that it's time to get on with it and put away the mirror. I would instead worry about what your goals are, both long and short-term, and look forward and not backwards.

Good luck to you as you find your way.

yopeeps025 · October 2014

For some negative motivation works for them. For others it fails.

My question to you OP is what do you think needs to be done for you to love yourself? I ask myself this question a lot.

Stiang · October 2014

Do I love my body? Sure, it's what is keeping me alive. Am I happy with it? Heck, no. For far too long it has been calling the shots - yes, have another pint of Ice Cream; yes, have another cheeseburger. But now I'M in control....but I still see it. I still see the big butt, the large stomach, the slight double chin. Other people have noticed those areas lessing but not me...but I just look at it and say, "okay body, you still don't win. This is a fight for the long haul and I WILL WIN." Then I turn away from the mirror to fight another day.

Whatever it takes - DON'T LET YOUR BODY WIN! Those negative thoughts are "it's" way of trying to beat you. DON'T LET IT!

LeanButNotMean44 · October 2014

Boy, this is a really tough issue for me too. Although I am at a healthy weight, I still tend to focus on the parts of me that I don't like. For me that is my entire lower body!

I find that the days I tend to feel better about myself are the ones where I have had a really great workout and my nutrition is on point. Days when I don't....well, it's a different story. Another thing that helps (and I am sorry if this sounds really shallow) is wearing an outfit that I really love. I am trying really hard to change how my lower body looks through proper nutrition (don't look at my food diary for today though, lol) and working out, but feel like it will always be a battle mentally.

If you can, try to focus on the things your body enables you to do. For example, when I injured my knee and had to be on crutches, I was SO thankful that when I healed I had two healthy legs on which to walk and run. Sometimes we take the little things for granted until we lose them.

I hope this makes some sense. :flowerforyou:

shadowofender · October 2014

I did not read all the replies just fyi

So I have this issue. It's a weird mix of being confident with who I am, knowing I need to change, but not letting those issues I'm working on rule me (i.e. I still have to lose 80ish pounds)

So the question for me has always been, how do I actively love my body when I'm working so hard to change my body? It's a hard thing for most people, and it's hard for me, too.

I can't honestly give you a good answer. I have good days and bad days still, but I think recovery from years of self harm prepared me for this new issue (New...really it's the same self esteem issue that's always been there).

Start small. ONE positive thing. ABout your body, since your issues are there. Your eyes, or your hair. It doesn't even have to be anywhere near your problem areas. Trust me, it builds.

So you pick your positive. Say "I love my haircut". Wake up in the morning. BEFORE anything else, before looking at yourself or judging yourself. "I love my hair." "I rock this haircut" etc.

A few days later, pick another. Repeat.

You know the saying "fake it until you make it?" It is so so so true. It's a one day at a time ting, and you won't win every self battle. But it's a start, and once you start, each step gets a little easier.

seltzermint555 · October 2014

Focus on other things. Volunteer. Help someone who needs it. Paint, draw, sing... Read. Go to museums and look at the different body types in the Art.

Look at other people with a kind eye, and then turn that kind eye on yourself. For example, seeing a fat old lady in the supermarket and thinking that she has lovely green eyes or is quite graceful despite her age and size.

If you can do these things you will see an improvement.

Also may be helpful to stop consuming as much media, if you watch a lot of movies/TV and look at fashion magazines. Seeing whippet-thin attractive people 24/7 can give you a bit of a complex, yeah?

I wish you all the best.

wheird · October 2014

I have tips FOR self-hate but no effective advice to stop it.

wheird · October 2014

Oh, and meditation does not work for me.

BusyRaeNOTBusty · October 2014

What about spending some times focusing on what your body can do instead of what it looks like? Do you have any fitness goals? Walking/running a 5k? Do you lift weights? I think a body that can pick 150+ pounds off the ground is awesome no matter what it looks like. Think about individuals who cannot do things you can due to disability or injury. Appreciate that you body is healthy and capable. This is your body. The only one you'll ever get. You have to appreciate it.

Justamom410 · October 2014

So this may or may not help...but I'm also not happy with my body. But what I do is focus on what my body DID for me that day. For example, I hate my calves and my thighs...but I say, I'm proud of you legs...for walking 10,000 steps today. For carrying the load above. For my arms, it's usually something like, thank you for being strong enough to carry my daughter.

Instead of focusing on how things LOOK...I focus on how they PERFORM.

malavika413 · October 2014

Self-hate has become my personality. It's pretty pathetic, but it's true. I know just how you feel--I hate every part of my body at this point. I'm also not a fan of the other aspects of my life, but that's irrelevant. If you find the solution, let me know. For me therapy didn't help as much as I wanted it to. I didn't like the strategies the therapist suggested.

Good luck!

bajoyba · October 2014

I'm not going to tell you to ignore the things you don't like about yourself when you look in the mirror. Instead, (and I know it's kind of cheesy) try making a conscious effort to say nice things about yourself. Talk to and about yourself the way you would talk to or about someone that you really care about. It may seem empty at first, but setting up a routine of positive self-talk is a step in the right direction over constant negative self-talk, and you may find that you start to mean what you say after awhile.

My other suggestion is also something that you already mentioned - focusing on what your body can do rather than what it looks like. It may not be a source of instant gratification, because I know that sometimes when we feel out of shape, we might not feel like our bodies are at their most capable. So try setting small fitness goals that are important to you (for me, it was things like doing my first military-style push-up and running my first mile non-stop). As you work toward accomplishing these things, your body will become noticeably more capable, and you will probably notice physical changes as well. Another interesting side effect of setting and accomplishing goals is in one of my favorite quotes that an MFP friend has posted on her profile (shout out to itsfuntobenormal!): "what you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals." Profound mental changes can happen when you push yourself out of your comfort zone and prove to yourself that you can do things you didn't know you could do.

seltzermint555 · October 2014

What about spending some times focusing on what your body can do instead of what it looks like? Do you have any fitness goals? Walking/running a 5k? Do you lift weights? I think a body that can pick 150+ pounds off the ground is awesome no matter what it looks like. Think about individuals who cannot due things you can due to disability or injury. Appreciate that you body is healthy and capable. This is your body. The only one you'll ever get. You have to appreciate it.

+1 to this also!!!

Adc7225 · October 2014

September was my month to love/like my body

I decided that I was spending way to much time being unhappy about how my body looked. When I was heavier I probably spent less time looking in the mirror or I just accepted things they way they were - of course with the little nagging thoughts that 'if that were smaller I would so much better' or 'if I could just get rid of that, clothes would fit so much better!' Now what those things are gone and I look in the mirror a lot more but it is the same thoughts just about new things :frown:

During the month of September I actually spent more time in the house in my underwear, just doing the things I normally would do (be cautious with cooking and playing with a kitten), this gave me some time to really "see" the changes and how much less of me there is. I have some saggy skin and stretch marks - but that is right now part of me and who I am

I have taken a lot of photos during this process and looking back at them and being able to say no, not happy there, nope not satisfied there means I could be happy here or at the next phase but either way it is still me and I do not want to go back to 244 lbs, or feeling bad health wise, etc. I believe that a satisfied time will come, I think we may have ideas about what we want and think we should look like but the reality is that even looking at someone that we may think of as having the perfect body, they have some issue as well - more than likely we would not be able to see it but it is real to them.

Celebrate what you like and camouflage what you don't - I have flat stomach and a small waist that my co-workers hate about me and I have some items that accentuate this for those days when I need that. I also agree with Justamom410, it is equally as important to celebrate your health and performance.

50sFit · October 2014

I feel you...
:ohwell:
And the way my self hate manifested was lashing out unkindly at others who were overweight. I still struggle with this. I hated myself fat. I hated myself for letting my health just go to pot
I have no quick cure, but over time my love for others has been re-cultivated, because my love of myself has returned. It's been 3 years since I lost the weight, and over that time my attitudes have transformed.
There is no reason to wait. Love yourself now even though things are not perfect. Part of the rewards we receive come from the joys of the journey - not just the obvious dividend of reaching a hard won fitness goal.

LeonCX · October 2014

Look in the mirror, and literally tell yourself how you have succeeded so far.

freelancejouster · October 2014

I think you're doing the mirror thing wrong, because it really did work for a lot of people I know. The first time a lot of them do it, it takes a good 10-30 minutes for them to find something, but it does get them thinking about things they like.

The thing you like about yourself doesn't have to be a body part. It can be something miniscule like "hey, my freckles are pretty cute" or "that mole is in a really interesting place and I think it looks nice" or "while my legs are kind of chubby, they still look super nice in tights" or "wow, my butt is like super round" or "my eyes are a really beautiful color" or "I picked this shirt out and it really looks good on me/it's really cool" or "the way I chose to do my hair is really nice, I'm pretty talented" - things like that.

Like, I know my everything is sort of chubby about me right now (I keep getting injured mid-weightloss and gaining it all back plus some extra) but when I make myself focus on my cute freckles or the awesome job I did on painting my own nails or how great my butt looks in leggings, it gets a lot more difficult to hate myself.

Maybe ridiculous things to anyone else, but it just has to hit you positively. And after the first one, they get easier to see. Promise.

Sweetvirgo63 · October 2014

I don't have any self-hate tips; I stopped mistreating myself emotionally years ago. Accepting and loving the good and bad about yourself regardless of where you are in life is an internal choice. One lesson I learned a long time ago is to stop trying to become something I wasn't meant to be [i.e. slim and 125 lbs] I just don't have the body type to get there. I nurture the body I have the best I can regardless of what other people have to say about it. If they don't like it and have issues about my looks or body size, that's their problem, not mine.

srmchan · October 2014

You might want to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, self-help books. Negative self talk is an expanding cycle that will continue to bring you down, if you don't learn techniques to deal with it.

I'll echo Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's a great way of challenging negative views of the world and has done wonders for a close family member.

Sam

emdeesea · October 2014

Oh yes, self-loathing, I am quite familiar with.

Here's what I can tell you: I just celebrated my 43rd birthday, and when I look back at photos of myself 10-15 years ago, I didn't look too bad, although I didn't see it at the time, because I was so focused on what was wrong and never saw what was right.

So now, not only am I still overweight but I'm older. The weight I can work on; the years and the time I wasted I will never get back.

Self-hate tips?

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