girls (and guys).. am i wrong? :(

Lil_Leah
Lil_Leah Posts: 376 Member
edited September 23 in Chit-Chat
so.. this saturday we ran into my boyfriends ex at the bar. we were both aware she'd be there ahead of time, so i expected it. i'm not worried about losing him to her, theyve been apart over a year, we've been together for almost 8 months. we're moving in together in april. anyway.. beforehand i told him the one thing that would not be ok with me, is him talking to her. he completely understood why that would bother me, and said he wouldnt. towards the end of the night i was talking to my friend, and was like.. where's justin? i look across the bar, and there he is - talking to her...

he comes over to me, and i didnt say anything. just kinda looked at him. the first thing he says is "ok, i'm waiting for you to freak out on me now". i didnt even say anything! i told him i'd like to hear his reasoning for talking to her. anways.. we get home (after an hour long, practically silent car ride..) and i went to sleep. yesterday we talked about it and he told me that the only thing he talked to her about was me. how happy we are, etc.. but initially, he told me he wouldnt talk to her, and he still did. so that was my question - why? what made you talk to her?! after you said you wouldnt, you did. anyway.. all is well, we talked it out. both apologized. ultimately i made a bigger deal of the situation than shouldve been made. not to mention she texted him after we got home (UGH!) he told me it said something along the lines of "sorry if i caused an arguement, but im happy that you're happy regardless of who its with" or whatever. i just want her to go AWAY. that text wasnt necessary. he didnt respond to her. but i was hurt.. and now i cant stop thinking about it. i'd love some words of encouragement here. :(
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Replies

  • kelliekent
    kelliekent Posts: 7
    In my opinion, you forbidding him to speak to her just gives her power over you. Basically, be secure in who you are and in your relationship and KNOW that your relationship is stronger than the pettiness. If she's like most women she'll instantly think you are threatened by her if you acknowledge that you don't want them speaking. She will get the impression that you are insecure or somehow worried about her. I say kill her with kindness, speak to her yourself and just SHOW her that your relationship is great!! Just my two cents worth.....believe me, I've dealt with the drama and it's hard to be the bigger person but SO worth it in the end.
  • kabullard
    kabullard Posts: 41
    I totally understand where you're coming from. And it sounds to me like he knew he shouldn't have talked to her, and immediately felt bad for it. The fact that he didn't respond to her text is a good thing....and the fact that he told you she text him is good too!! I know it's hard (I had severe trust issues for a long time with my boyfriend, who is now my husband) but you have to try to move on. Try not to bring it up again, because that will just make things worse. The more he talks about it to you, the more you should know it's ok....he said he talked about you, now i don't know why he talked to her in the first place, but you know it was about you! Stay strong girl, I know past ex's are hard, but he's with you and you're moving in together. He wouldn't do that if he didn't love you....he picked you, not her!
  • Oompa_Loompa
    Oompa_Loompa Posts: 1,099 Member
    so.. this saturday we ran into my boyfriends ex at the bar. we were both aware she'd be there ahead of time, so i expected it. i'm not worried about losing him to her, theyve been apart over a year, we've been together for almost 8 months. we're moving in together in april. anyway.. beforehand i told him the one thing that would not be ok with me, is him talking to her. he completely understood why that would bother me, and said he wouldnt. towards the end of the night i was talking to my friend, and was like.. where's justin? i look across the bar, and there he is - talking to her...

    he comes over to me, and i didnt say anything. just kinda looked at him. the first thing he says is "ok, i'm waiting for you to freak out on me now". i didnt even say anything! i told him i'd like to hear his reasoning for talking to her. anways.. we get home (after an hour long, practically silent car ride..) and i went to sleep. yesterday we talked about it and he told me that the only thing he talked to her about was me. how happy we are, etc.. but initially, he told me he wouldnt talk to her, and he still did. so that was my question - why? what made you talk to her?! after you said you wouldnt, you did. anyway.. all is well, we talked it out. both apologized. ultimately i made a bigger deal of the situation than shouldve been made. not to mention she texted him after we got home (UGH!) he told me it said something along the lines of "sorry if i caused an arguement, but im happy that you're happy regardless of who its with" or whatever. i just want her to go AWAY. that text wasnt necessary. he didnt respond to her. but i was hurt.. and now i cant stop thinking about it. i'd love some words of encouragement here. :(

    Did he show you the text she sent? Ex's suck! It's irritating because my boyfriends ex(crazy) was calling and texting all the time and STILL occasionaly will send him a text (its been over 3 freakn years) It pisses me off just because I would NEVER talk to an ex if they had a girlfriend because thats just disrespectful to both partys and its just un called for. But it probably was innocent but still why did he talk to her knowing that it would upset you. In the end we just have to learn..boys are dumb lol
  • Hova1914
    Hova1914 Posts: 82 Member
    how do you know she didn't wait for a time when the two of you weren't together and then she came up and started talking to him?
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
    I don't have much time, but my first instinct is to think that he did have intentions of ignoring her, but much like many of us with our weight loss, maybe he wanted the satisfaction of letting her know that he's happy without her. Kind of an "in your face" kind of thing. I mean, I know that when I get to be hot stuff, I'd love to strut it in front of an ex or two, if they didn't all live halfway across the country. I'd also love to show them my husband and children and let them know that I'm happier now.

    I do understand your feelings though. I would probably feel the same in that situation. As a matter of fact, I've been in that situation, and I have had those feelings. But you need to ask yourself whether he's given you any reason to mistrust him. If you generally trust him, and he hasn't given you any reason to feel jealous, then accept that the feelings are just your feelings, and they're unfounded, and they'll go away. It took me a long time to learn that sometimes feelings aren't based in reality, so sometimes it's ok to ignore them. But on the other hand, if he's proven himself to be untrustworthy though, then you need to re-evaluate why you're still in the relationship.
  • mixmastermolly
    mixmastermolly Posts: 272
    I think that anything you feel is valid. However, I think it's a little extreme to assume that he wouldn't say anything to her. If you run into anyone you know anywhere then you're going to talk to them, right? It would be way more awkward for him to not acknowlege her at all then to have a small conversation. It sounds like you guys probably have mutual friends with her if you knew she was going to be there. They have a past and asking them to act like complete strangers when they are in the same room is kind of unrealistic. They broke up for a reason and it sounds like you guys are very serious if you're planning to move in together. I think you have nothing to worry about and shouldn't let her get to you.
  • foxxybrown
    foxxybrown Posts: 838 Member
    I agree with kelliekent!
  • jleshko
    jleshko Posts: 40 Member
    I agree with Kelliekent's comments 100% but since the horse is already out of the barn so to speak... Of course I can not pass judgement on a situation not knowing all of the facts or both sides of the story but from what you wrote here is my observation... Why did he summarize the text message rather than show it to you? Why did he talk to her, I never go a feel that this was answered... Why did you guys even bother going there if she was going ot be there and it would cause an issue? Trust is a key part of any relationship and you need to let him know he messed up. Especially since you let it be known beforehand that it would bother you. Why did he put his "need" to speak with her ahead of his respect for your request? Speaking from experience this isn't really a big deal unless it really bothers you, if it does then be sure he knows it. No one is a mind reader and if you let it go as if it was not a big deal he will think it really did not bother you that much and possibly continue this texting, talking etc... But of course I am not a trained professional in relationship management, I am just a big fatso trying to lose weight on Myfitnesspal, who saw your post and was intrigued enough to reply ;-) Best of luck I am sure all will be fine....
  • Court7898
    Court7898 Posts: 37 Member
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation hun. The same thing kinda happened to me, but felt like 100 times worse...

    When I was pregnant with his child, I had my (now) husbands phone and was going through it to find a number he had sent to his mom that I needed. Well, came across a lovely little text to his exwife that said something along the lines of 'Is it bad that I still have to urge to bone you?' Holy cow. I came unglued. This was like at 6am that morning. I got my 6month preggo butt outta bed, put my shoes on, got my keys, and sat in the bathroom bawling for what seemed like hours. When he woke up, he asked me what was wrong and I just handed his phone to him. Got in my truck and went for a drive.

    When I finally had calmed down enough, I went back to the house to discuss things. This is what I came up with.
    1. I loved him too much to just leave, as much as I wanted to at that point.
    2. We were having a baby together, so it wasn't as easy as just leaving.
    3. As bad as it was, it wasn't like he ACTUALLY slept with her, ya know?

    He kept telling me he was sorry and that it was stupid of him to do. That he didn't want to lose me and yada yada yada....

    So I told him the only thing I could think of.

    "I wish I didn't love you as much as I do, or I would take my s***and run."

    Was like I had shot him in the gut or something. Made him cry like a freaking baby.

    That was two and a half years ago. Now we're happily married, and no other instances have happened.
    Of course, it takes HUGE forgiveness on my part, but when you love someone....that part sould come easy =)
  • Ben2118
    Ben2118 Posts: 571 Member
    In my opinion, you forbidding him to speak to her just gives her power over you. Basically, be secure in who you are and in your relationship and KNOW that your relationship is stronger than the pettiness. If she's like most women she'll instantly think you are threatened by her if you acknowledge that you don't want them speaking. She will get the impression that you are insecure or somehow worried about her. I say kill her with kindness, speak to her yourself and just SHOW her that your relationship is great!! Just my two cents worth.....believe me, I've dealt with the drama and it's hard to be the bigger person but SO worth it in the end.

    That makes the most sense, I suppose it all depends on how his previous relationship ended. From a man's point of view I would say that he was just being polite, however the "not talking to her" thing can sometimes not be avoided, if he walked past her and she said Hi then it would be rude just to blank her, my opinion anyway. However, I agree the text she sent may of been a little uncalled for.
  • sarahTV
    sarahTV Posts: 65 Member
    I think you set him up for failure. Do you know how hard it is to NOT talk to a person you know when you're out in a social setting? He'd have to be a complete jerk to her to ignore her if she walked up to him and said hi...and honestly I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is considered to be a complete jerk.

    Forbidding your partner to do anything usually doesn't end well...and if you're not worried about this girl, then there should be NO harm in him saying hi to her if she said hi to him.
  • T_R_A_V
    T_R_A_V Posts: 1,629 Member
    I would have asked to see the text message
  • Lil_Leah
    Lil_Leah Posts: 376 Member
    That makes the most sense, I suppose it all depends on how his previous relationship ended. From a man's point of view I would say that he was just being polite, however the "not talking to her" thing can sometimes not be avoided, if he walked past her and she said Hi then it would be rude just to blank her, my opinion anyway. However, I agree the text she sent may of been a little uncalled for.

    this is exactly it. he's too nice. i know that he walked over there with his friend (a mutual friend of hers) and she happened to be over there. who initiated the convo is what i'm not sure of. either way, it was a short convo, and he says it was all about me. he never showed me the text because he deleted it, and didnt wanna add fuel to the fire. i heard his phone go off that night when we got home, and asked him the next morning if it was her. right away he said yes, and told me what it said. but still, the fact that he tried to hide it.. idk. i know he just wanted to avoid any more conflict. i didnt FORBID him to talk to her. i just let him know that if it happened, i wouldnt be ok with it, and it'd upset me. im really not insecure about her at all. i know its over. but she's still an ex. they still had a past. and i'd rather he just not run into that situation. the reason we went is because it was for a birthday party, and found out earlier that day that she'd be there.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    I think you set him up for failure. Do you know how hard it is to NOT talk to a person you know when you're out in a social setting? He'd have to be a complete jerk to her to ignore her if she walked up to him and said hi...and honestly I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is considered to be a complete jerk.

    Forbidding your partner to do anything usually doesn't end well...and if you're not worried about this girl, then there should be NO harm in him saying hi to her if she said hi to him.
    Little truth there. I would find it hard to ignore someone I once loved. Pretty sure my wife would not be upset, though. Also, she sent the text. He can't control that.

    On the other hand, you guys need to know you can communicate better with each other and without fear of problems when you speak honestly to each other.

    But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.
  • Court7898
    Court7898 Posts: 37 Member
    By the way, I was being nosey and looking at your pics....

    Lady you are gorgeous!! And you look fabulous!

    Before and after pic is incredible. Congrats on your loss =)
  • Court7898
    Court7898 Posts: 37 Member

    But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.


    Now payback wont solve anything. That'll just put her 'on his level' so to speak.
    Best thing to do is tell him exactly how it makes you feel, get everything out. Everything that pertains to this issues, tell him. Then when the conversation is over, make a promise to yourself to never bring it up again.

    It wont be easy, it'll still be in the back of your mind. But it gets easier with time, and you can do it =)
  • Lil_Leah
    Lil_Leah Posts: 376 Member
    definitely not looking for payback. i'm not angry with him anymore, i know its just because he's too nice to not talk to her. but the thing that's driving me nuts is: did he initially (deep down) kinda WANT to talk to her? ugh.. but i'm not about to bring it up again to him. we've been down that road. its over and done with. that's why i was looking to you guys for help in kinda getting over it.
  • Court7898
    Court7898 Posts: 37 Member
    Just one day at a time hun. Whenever you start to think of it, just immediately think of something else. For instance, after you've made up your mind that you're ready to move on, don't look at this blog anymore.

    The only reason you can't get it out of your head is you don't WANT to. It's totally possible to do. So, lets put the big girl panties on and get on with this. One day at a time. Not easy, but do-able.
  • Ben2118
    Ben2118 Posts: 571 Member
    If I was in the same position I would try to avoid a conversation simply because I wouldn't want to upset you and it can lead to a lot of stress so the easy option is to avoid it. However I think he acted with best intentions and if you have some of the same friends it can be hard to avoid it. You seem like you trust him and if it is all cleared up I would just put it down to experience and move on.

    "Jealousy....such a horrible feeling, yet it reveals how much you actually care...."
  • backinthenines
    backinthenines Posts: 1,083 Member
    hmmm... I am looking at this slightly differently.

    I am still good friends with an ex. We were together at University bu have been apart for years. The split was very amicable and when we see each other socially of course we speak to each other. And maybe once a month we send a text. There is absolutely nothing in it.

    I've been with someone else for a long time, who I love dearly, and he has absolutely no problem with this. I am glad about that, because I am not sure how well I would take unjustified paranoia and jealousy, and being told who I can and can't speak to. I would have a real problem with that and I think it would drive me a little mad and be a real turn off.

    I'm glad he trusts me and is sure of my love and doesn't try to control me by telling me who I can speak to.

    So... about this woman. What if she just said a friendly 'hi', just being polite, I mean it's a bit odd to totally ignore someone you used to go out with unless you fell out real bad with them. He just had a polite conversation about being happy with you. ... and then you came along and made a big deal of it?

    If you have been hurt badly in the past then maybe you need to explain this to him so he can understand your anxiety and jealousy better, but if he has never given you any other cause for concern then I would say don't make a big deal of it.
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  • porcelain_doll
    porcelain_doll Posts: 1,005 Member
    But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.
    :laugh:

    (He was totally joking about that part, but I'm not sure everyone caught that.)

    One more thing: she could have approached him purposely while the two of you were apart. She wouldn't do it while you were standing there unless she had tipped a few back. If he's a nice guy, he's not going to just ignore her. If the tables were turned, would you have ignored your ex if you'd been approached?
  • Lil_Leah
    Lil_Leah Posts: 376 Member
    But...if payback is what you really want, feel free to send me a sexy text message and let him Discover it.
    :laugh:

    (He was totally joking about that part, but I'm not sure everyone caught that.)

    One more thing: she could have approached him purposely while the two of you were apart. She wouldn't do it while you were standing there unless she had tipped a few back. If he's a nice guy, he's not going to just ignore her. If the tables were turned, would you have ignored your ex if you'd been approached?

    no, i wouldnt have. we were both pretty intoxicated too, so i think the way we both reacted was overly dramatized due to our copious amounts of alcohol. lol.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
    Yes, I was joking.
  • ka_42
    ka_42 Posts: 720 Member
    Sorry I didn't read the whole thread someone may have already said this but... Maybe she came up to him and he didn't want to be too rude? At least it's better now - If I were you I'd try to put it in the past and not let it bother me. He loves you. Not her. :flowerforyou:
  • qtwells82
    qtwells82 Posts: 352
    In my opinion, you forbidding him to speak to her just gives her power over you. Basically, be secure in who you are and in your relationship and KNOW that your relationship is stronger than the pettiness. If she's like most women she'll instantly think you are threatened by her if you acknowledge that you don't want them speaking. She will get the impression that you are insecure or somehow worried about her. I say kill her with kindness, speak to her yourself and just SHOW her that your relationship is great!! Just my two cents worth.....believe me, I've dealt with the drama and it's hard to be the bigger person but SO worth it in the end.
    Well said!
  • tolygal
    tolygal Posts: 602 Member
    First, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been there for sure, and I would have felt the same way! However, looking at this from the outside, it's much easier to see that it's kind of unfair to ask him not to talk to her. To begin with, it puts him in a really uncomfortable, crappy situation. He has to be rude to someone and feel like a jerk. Either that or risk your happiness. Also, you don't want her thinking that your insecure and told him he can't talk to her - or worse, that he is worried that you are insecure and he shouldn't talk to her! Even if that's not what it's about, that's probably what others would think. Next time, just try to accept that he had a life before you, and it's natural for people to catch up and even enjoy catching up (depending on what kind of people they are). It doesn't mean there is any threat to your current relationship.

    Now.... the text message would have made me FURIOUS!!! My husband's ex-girlfriend was texting him (and he returned them) at one point and I found out about it. He said it was to "confort him over our loss" (we had lost a pregnancy), but it still wasn't okay with me!!! That could have been one simple text - which would have been acceptable. But they continued sending jokes back and forth and chatting about stupid stuff. When I found out, he put an end to it real quick!
  • fitnesspirateninja
    fitnesspirateninja Posts: 667 Member
    I agree with the people who already posted that forbidding your boyfriend from talking to his ex is setting him up for failure, and gives her too much power over you. That being said, I can totally relate to how you feel. It's annoying to be confronted with a person's past - but we all had lives before we met our significant others.

    I think you have a right to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend, and he needs to respect them, but you need to make sure that you're being reasonable. Not speaking to someone that he's known intimately is kind of impossible. Do you guys all hang out with the same people? Do you see his ex often? Or is this just a once in a while thing?

    ETA: The texting is b.s. and needs to stop. And he needs to be the one to clearly state that to her.
  • Lil_Leah
    Lil_Leah Posts: 376 Member
    I agree with the people who already posted that forbidding your boyfriend from talking to his ex is setting him up for failure, and gives her too much power over you. That being said, I can totally relate to how you feel. It's annoying to be confronted with a person's past - but we all had lives before we met our significant others.

    I think you have a right to discuss boundaries with your boyfriend, and he needs to respect them, but you need to make sure that you're being reasonable. Not speaking to someone that he's known intimately is kind of impossible. Do you guys all hang out with the same people? Do you see his ex often? Or is this just a once in a while thing?

    we've only ran into her twice since we've been together (8 months). the first time, there was no communication between the two of them. i was fine with it. i felt ok. confident around her. i knew i looked smokin hot in my little black dress (this was new years eve) but this time was different. i know i shouldnt have been so upset.. especially since he talked to her about US. how happy we are.. but her text message at the end of the night was NOT ok. you guys said your piece.. now dont send him a text at the end of the night, when you KNOW we're together, you dumb@$$.
  • ultimategar
    ultimategar Posts: 96 Member
    We all have exes, we're all going to bump into them every now and then, unless something awful happened to cause the break-up, not being able to someone you once shared your life with is pretty sad.

    If you can't trust a partner to talk to their ex you've got problems. jealousy and mistrust should be cast off like unwanted body weight (see how i tied that in? ;)
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