SO SORRY EV1, But I need some help
hill2302
Posts: 139 Member
I know this isn't about fitness, unless you consider mental health fitness but I need some insight or perspective.
So here's the backgroud, reader's digest version:
-Married 11 years, together 17
-3 girls 3-7 yrs old
-Wife unfaithful and caught her last week
-she says she still has strong feelings about other guy (so do I!!!)
-I still love her (and hate her for what she's been doing behind my back)
-Offered reconciliation Sunday, she said she was in
-Told her to call other guy and tell him she wanted no contact and to work it out with me
-he call to him was halfhearted and sounded more like, "My husband told me I needed to call you and tell you this"
-Told her it didn't sound like was is committed to reconcile
-She said she's afraid to commit unless she knows it will work (You can never know)
-she's afraid i will never get over my anger
-I gave her a deadline to decide (Monday night) but no answer. she begged for one more day
-I gave her yesterday to think and committ full to this and she still didn't do it.
-She thinks she needs time to come to this decision
So today, I'm sitting here having told her this morning that It's over if she won't commit to doing this 100% by tonight. Otherwise, we tell the kids we're divorcing and then we start fighting over custody.
I'm sick to my stomach and driving my self crazy with worry about whether I'm doing the right thing by giving her this ultimatum. Is this too soon? Should I give her more time? if so how much? What do i do in the meantime with my heart out there on a platter waiting to see if she's going to crush it again or not? I don't want to feel like a pushover and keep giving her chances and I don't want to feel like i didn't give her a fair chance.
I know this isn't a infidelity support group (i'm sure there's one out there), but I think you guys are so helpful, supportive, and would give an honest answer to this tough question. More importantly, i trust you guys. Plus, I can't seem to get into see a counselor on such short notice to talk about this with a professional.
BTW, I know almost none of you are professionals and not trained to answer this professionally. I want a real person's take on this.
Much love and thanks,
Howie
So here's the backgroud, reader's digest version:
-Married 11 years, together 17
-3 girls 3-7 yrs old
-Wife unfaithful and caught her last week
-she says she still has strong feelings about other guy (so do I!!!)
-I still love her (and hate her for what she's been doing behind my back)
-Offered reconciliation Sunday, she said she was in
-Told her to call other guy and tell him she wanted no contact and to work it out with me
-he call to him was halfhearted and sounded more like, "My husband told me I needed to call you and tell you this"
-Told her it didn't sound like was is committed to reconcile
-She said she's afraid to commit unless she knows it will work (You can never know)
-she's afraid i will never get over my anger
-I gave her a deadline to decide (Monday night) but no answer. she begged for one more day
-I gave her yesterday to think and committ full to this and she still didn't do it.
-She thinks she needs time to come to this decision
So today, I'm sitting here having told her this morning that It's over if she won't commit to doing this 100% by tonight. Otherwise, we tell the kids we're divorcing and then we start fighting over custody.
I'm sick to my stomach and driving my self crazy with worry about whether I'm doing the right thing by giving her this ultimatum. Is this too soon? Should I give her more time? if so how much? What do i do in the meantime with my heart out there on a platter waiting to see if she's going to crush it again or not? I don't want to feel like a pushover and keep giving her chances and I don't want to feel like i didn't give her a fair chance.
I know this isn't a infidelity support group (i'm sure there's one out there), but I think you guys are so helpful, supportive, and would give an honest answer to this tough question. More importantly, i trust you guys. Plus, I can't seem to get into see a counselor on such short notice to talk about this with a professional.
BTW, I know almost none of you are professionals and not trained to answer this professionally. I want a real person's take on this.
Much love and thanks,
Howie
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Replies
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So sorry to hear this. I am in no position to give you advice, but I know what I would have done already.0
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I'm so sorry you're going through this - what an awful situation. I have no experience to guide my answer, but I think that divorce is a very big and final step and that you want to be very sure that's what you want to do before you do it. Could you possibly talk to a counselor or someone who could help you decide? Without knowing all the details, my gut reaction is to say wait a couple more days - but from the way you've been describing it, she doesn't sound like she's "in" it, which makes all the difference. I'm sorry. Good luck!0
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Get rid of her, from what I am reading she is not at all dedicated to wanting to work it out, if she was it would be an easy decision on her part. Remember she cheated on you, yes your heart is out on a platter but it will heal and mend itself. What she did to you is not fair at all. If she did it once what's stopping her from doing it again? I have never been in this situation but I know myself and I know if it was me I would be outta there so fast all you would see is a trail of smoke.
Hope things work out for you and Good Luck, I think you may need it.0 -
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not one to condone cheating in any way. I am not a 3 strikes you're out girl. You cheat once, I don't forget and it will take a LONG while to forgive.
This is definitely something you'll have to decide on your own. If you want to give her more time to think about it, then do so. Maybe a "trial separation"???? Be strong!! For yourself and your kids!!! Don't "try" if your heart isn't in it and you can't forgive what she did. And don't stay for the kids...they'll appreciate a happier parent who's single than a sad parent who's "married".
I really hope you get through this!!0 -
Having been cheated on (when i wasn't married, another dude another time) and having had hard times in my marriage, the only thing I can tell you is that sometimes coming to ANY decision takes time and a lot of heart breaking thinking and thinking and thinking on it until your soul and your heart are okay with the decision. Sometimes making a quick decision based on hurt feelings and the shock of the moment can be the worst thing you can do.
I'm not talking about just her making her decision to stay or go, but YOU also. Are you so sure that pressuring her into making a final decision so quickly is good for either of you? Also, even if you do make a decision today, know that it is okay in the end to change your mind. Yeah its going to suck either way for you, her and your kids but at the end of the day, if you and her aren't happy together, no one in your family will be happy. No one.
Her feelings and decision aside, ask yourself if making YOUR decision to stay or go right now in the this very moment is the right thing for YOU. If it is and you are in your heart of hearts okay with it, then great, do it and move on. If not, there is nothing wrong with waiting.
It is always so easy to say "I'm done with you, you cheated" or "you screwed up way too much this time, I'm done" but the reality of the situation in a marraige, especially one that involves children, is so much different. There is much more, IMO, to think about.
Good luck to you and I hope that in the end you are at peace with the outcome.0 -
WOW so sorry that you have to go through this. I had a similar situation with my husband a few years ago and we seperated for a few weeks to give each other time to work things out by ourselves. We got back together, but i was never sure that i was doing the right thing. I wish you luck in your decision and just keep your head up, it will work out one way or the other. The hurt will eventually subside but never fully goes away especially if you decide to work things out, it's always in the back of your mind.0
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In my opinion if she wanted it to work with you she never would of cheated. I think you gave her more than enough time to decide and if she can't commit to you then she doesn't deserve you. Like you said I am no professional but to me cheating is the worst thing anyone could do and if someone cheats once they will continue to cheat......sorry I just don't think anyone deserves to have their heart ripped out like that.0
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So sorry to hear about this. It breaks my heart. But I've always said, either you're IN or your NOT. This wishy-washy back and forth stuff should give you the answer.0
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Is there a counseling component available...perhaps a mnth or two of counseling together before anyone makes a decision? I have seen counseling help one marriage come back together and one the counselor helped them firgure out the steps to separate...but it might be a better place to work out the decision. With that said if she is also unwilling to try counseling then I would say go for a "trial separation' I know that sounds cliche but you either find out what you are missing or are glad you are gone...0
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Okay I am not sure how to respond to this. My husband was previously married. She cheated as well. They have 2 little girls. He offered to try to reconcile and make it work and forgive her. She wanted time. His words to me were if she truly loved me she never would have fled or have difficulty making a decision. She is still with that man but has about twice attempted to come back to my husband. It is wayyyy too late now and he is in love with me and we have our family. In the long run her indiscretion saved his life and he moved on to better. But when you love a person you want to fight... I feel maybe you should fight but a part of me feels how can a person do that if they loved me?0
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Wow. I am so sorry this has happened to you. My husband had an affair (x3) and I was not able to get passed the third one. I tried. But after a while I realized that I did not want to be that nagging, jealous, suspicious wife that I was becomming. I left him and he got someone else pregnant before I filed for divorce! Best decision I ever made. This is something you have to decide though sweetie. Do you think you guys can move passed it? Is she willing to go to counseling? It may take years. You have to ask yourself if you are prepared to handle that. Likewise, are you prepared to let her go? These are all things only you can answer, as you are your own person with your own feelings. I am so sorry and I wish you all the best.0
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Howie~
Very sorry you are dealing with this. Personally I would not wait around. Do what you have to do for yourself and your children, make sure both are protected.
Good luck.0 -
Wow.. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. From personal experience (my Ex cheated on me throughout our whole marriage) giving her chances only compounds the problem. Especially if professional help by BOTH of you is not sought after.
This is a very difficult and personal situation. Every act of infidelity is not the same. People CAN change, but they have to WANT to!
Maybe you can make that part of the agreement if you decide to stay; that you guys seek professional help for your marriage.
Marriage is so hard, but so worth it if there is love, understanding, communication and trust.
You must ask yourself, can you EVER completely trust her again or will it be constantly on your mind that she is being unfaithful?
IF you guys stay together, you'll have to change habbits. She was unfaithful because SHE'S unhappy with something, DATE your wife if you don't all ready. Get back to the time when you were dating and how exciting it was. People think that just because they tie the knot they have to stop having fun... NOT TRUE! Try to make it a point to have one on one time with your wife to build that relationship again!
Best of luck to you!0 -
Wow. I am so sorry. That has to really hurt. I agree with you. If she wants to reconcile, she should KNOW it. If she really wants it to work, she has to be willing to completely cut the other guy out of her life. I don't think that you should feel bad for telling her that she has to choose. Good luck.0
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My wife and I have also been married 11 years and together 17
3 kids 1-10
And we both agree that if she can't make a decision within a few days to be committed to your marriage and family then is time for you to do what you have to do and take care of yourself and kids.0 -
That sucks!! I am sorry you are going through this. I hope no matter what happens you are able to come out the other side even stronger.
My SIL had the same thing happen with her husband and half the peope told her once a cheat always a cheat and the other half told her it was a one time thing and to work on it. I'm sure you are getting the same thing, 50/50 split on advice.
I think you need to look at her actions. Did she come clean, and appologize and do you feel like you know the whole truth? If she did that then I think you have some thing to work with. I don't know how you caught her, was there a way she could try to weasel he way out of it and did she try, or was there no way.
If she is asking for more time I would be very leary on what she is planning.
My SIL husband came clean, told her everything, ended the affair, switched jobs and has done everything he could to reassure her it would never happen again.They are still together.
I guess it depends on how you feel she is handling it and if you think you will be able to trust her again. Do you think this was a one time thing or could there be more?
Best of luck to you.0 -
She doesn't sound very remorseful to me. But I wouldn't rush into divorce, maybe time apart will bring you both to the right decision....... don't know what you're missing until its gone scenario.0
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(warning--never been in a serious relationship)
It sounds like to me she already gave you an answer. Personally if she cant choose you over a guy who slept with a married woman I dont think she deserves you. I know people cheat and sometimes it all works out in the end, but this not being able to decide is whats putting up red flags for me.0 -
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this terrible situation. I can't even begin to imagine how this might feel, and I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out for emotional support. Kudos to you for that.
Reading through your post, I have two thoughts:
1) YOU need to make a decision, not her. You are the one who was trespassed against, and you are the one who needs to decide whether you are willing to continue with this. I know you have offered her reconciliation already, but perhaps you should take some extra time and really think things through. Maybe you'll decide you really do want to reconcile, but then again, maybe you won't. Don't leave the ball in her court though, that's just setting you up for more heartbreak, IMHO.
2) Retain a lawyer. No matter what. Do it now. Contact a lawyer, get their advice on what your options are, get the paperwork ready. You may not need their services, but it's better to be prepared and not be scrambling if/when things go that route.0 -
I havent read the other answers, but wanted to say that she, from the outside, it appears she has already made her decision. She had plenty of time to think about whether or not she wants to work it out...she shouldve been thinking about that when she was secretly dating this dude. She seems to want to force you into making the decsion, undoubtedly so she can then turn around and blame you someday. Know that you are worth more than what she is giving you. Your daughters need to see a positive roll model in their lives, and watching their mother walk all over their father will NOT provide them the stability or encouragment little girls need at this stage in their lives.
Dont let her dictate your actions. YOU decide how the rest of your life (and your daughters' lives) are going to look. YOU decide how you want to let someone treat you. If you allow her the power to control this decision, you will set the tone for future power struggles and potential indiscretions.
I am not a "once they cheat, they are gone" kind of girl. I certainly understand that outlook, as I think it would be VERY difficult to repair any tiype of romantic relationship if I knew my husband's lips had been on someone else's body...however, I think all marriages and situations are different. I truly wish you the best in your decision. Remember...its YOUR decision. She made her decision when she took steps towards another man's arms.0 -
Before I got married, I told my husband that cheating was the ONE thing that for certain would guarantee him I'd divorce him. Prior to marriage, I had experience a couple of boyfriends cheating on me and I needed my future husband to know that was a DEALBREAKER for me.
Fast forward to today. We have two kids in elementary school. My faith as a Christian has grown substantially since I was first married nearly 13 years ago. In my mind, If I found out today that he was cheating (he better not be...I have no reason to think he would or is) it would not be so black and white...like I envisioned when I first got married. There are kids whose very world is sitting on the foundation of mommy and daddy's marriage. With real remorse, a LOT of hard work on both sides (someone cheating probably indicates a marriage problem, not just a problem with the cheater's behavior), and true forgiveness, I do think repairing a marriage is possible.
Is there a way to at least get her to agree for the two of you to sit in a counseling session before anybody makes any decisions? It sounds like you are Catholic...can you two sit with someone from your church and discuss this?
Having said all of this...if she doesn't want the marriage and the hard work ahead, you can't force her. But, just as you are filled with confusion and a gammet of emotions I am sure she is too.
SUCKS that she cheated. I am SO SORRY. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now.0 -
Sorry to hear about this man, but I love how supportive everyone has been. Please let me know if there is any way I could ever help you out.
My two cents: you are giving her control of the situation by constantly pushing the deadline back and letting her be noncommittal. You need to decide what YOU want. Let me say that again, you need to decide what YOU want. It's not about what your wife wants, it's not even about what your kids want. Ultimately, can you trust her? Can you stay at home with the kids while she's out with co-workers and be sure that she's actually out with co-workers? Can you look at her the same way you did on your wedding day? In my opinion, those are some of the questions you need to answer. Once you do, I think you'll have your decision.
Good luck!0 -
I think she has had enough chances to prove she is committed. Of course you have to follow your heart and do what feels right to you. But if she can't say goodbye to him then she's not worth waiting for. I tried counseling with my ex but it didn't help, it was already over and we were just delaying the final break up. Not all situations are the same, but think about your girls. Would you want them to stay with a man who did that to them? And this request for help/advice is totally related to your health here on MFP. This kind of stress and pain can harm your health and if talking it out with your friends here helps then by all means do it! We're here for you. Stay strong. Easier said then done, I know. :flowerforyou:0
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What a terrible thing to have to deal with, I'm so sorry
I just wanted to point out one thing before you move forward. You should not, in my opinion, be waiting for her to decide what will happen with your marriage. She is the one who cheated and she should be the one to be concerned about what YOU are going to, not the other way around. Give yourself enough time to think about what is best for you and your children. Stay strong
From what I read in the other posts there are many people who are pulling for you. Best of luck! 0 -
The big D is a huge word and it means huge changes for not only you and your wife but also your kids. I've told my husband from the beginning that if he ever cheated on me I would be done, final answer, no looking back. In my opinion once a cheater always a cheater. You are always going to wonder what she's doing, who's she's with, etc. Infidelity is HUGE not only have you stepped outside the marriage you've broken a trust that can't be fixed with a "I'm sorry".
You have to do what's right for you and it sounds like your willing to forgive but it sounds to me like she's not sure what she wants and maybe she does just need some time but you have to decide how long your willing to wait.
Best of luck!0 -
This comes from Dr. Phil lol, Why are you letting HER decide your relationship and YOUR future?? Think about it for a while. She is unfaithful and still loves this man so why should she have the option to decide?
I have been in this EXACT sitution before (except with no children). I have tried the whole call and tell them you don't want to be together and the same thing happened to me when this person called. It ended up being a cycle of endless cheating and by the 4th person and 5 years later, I just decided to pack and leave. I told them I would never see or talk to them again. 4 years later I kept my promise.
My point is is that if she even has the CAPACITY to cheat ONCE, she has the capacity to cheat again and again! I am the type that believes in NO cheating! Think about it this way, WHY DID SHE EVEN LET HER HEART BE HALFWAY OPEN AT ALL TO EVEN ACCEPT HIS MOVES ON HER IF SHE HAD GOOD MORALS AND IF SHE TRULY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU??????? I am in a relationship and if someone hits on me I let them know right away that I can't do it.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too! I am sooooo concerned about your poor little girls. You need to get them away from their mother for now if she is that unstable as a person in general. I know you love her but sometimes you have to let people you love go and move on for YOU!0 -
My personal opinion from a woman's point of view.
If it were me (as the woman) and I had cheated, and was given the ultimatum.
If I really was truly sorry, and felt it was a mistake, and wanted to work it out with my husband, I would NOT even need an HOUR to think, never mind days, I would be crying and BEGGING for forgiveness and promising all kinds of things to make it work.
If I didn't really love my husband or loved the other guy more, I would be doing what she is doing, possibly because she still cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you, but knows deep inside that it's over....
If it were me, it would be over.0 -
Tinmamado- I am a catholic, but how you figured that out I'll never know.
I am a lawyer who did family law for 5 years. i know what I'm doing on that front and she knows it too. I know she's fearful of what I can do in a custody dispute. that being said, I have no intentions of doing ianything that isn't in my 3 girls' best itnerests should it come to that.
I read your guys replies and every single one of you have said or typed something I have felt or thought t some point in the last several days. You can see why this is tearing me up inside. I'm sitting here and have shed a tear just reading the replies.
I have called two counselors to see about getting in today. No call back yet. Getting late and I don't think it's going to happen.
We went to a counselor before and I was very optimistic at that time. I put in effort to chane things, but she didn't. Well, iIm sure it was difficult for her to considering she was about 3 months into the affair when we did that. She has seen another counselor by herself once last week before I caught her, when I tracked her down and caught her at his place. She says she'll go through more counselling too.
I dont' want to be walked over and everytime I let her off the hook, that's what I feel like she's doing. And I don't want to close the door on reconciliation, as it could lead to a rejuvenation of our relationship and even stronger marriage than before. I get this feeling like she doesn't want to commmit, but doesn't want to be the bad guy and admit it. That's why I keep giving her deadlines to make a decision.
It's gut wrenching. I never thought she would do that to me. Especially considering she ad always hated her Dad in part because he cheated on her Mom.
And I to take responsiblity for my part in our marriage becoming unhappy, but that's no excuse for what she did. I would've died for her before all this.0 -
I think you need to stop giving her the power and make the decision based on what you feel is best for you. She's already proven that she isn't willing to commit, and her excuses are crap IMO. It'd be one thing if she were remorseful and willing to put in 100% to make things right and earn your trust back, etc. But she's not. She's just mad that she got caught.0
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I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you aren't sure you want a divorce yet ya'll can legally separate for a little bit to see how ya'll would handle being apart and maybe go to couples therapy. Otherwise I'd go get the divorce papers and start figuring out what your taking and where you or her will be moving-- the whole 9 yards. I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision is.
And don't appologize for needing to talk, we are all here to suport eachother and emotions definately have an effect on our physical health.0
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