SO SORRY EV1, But I need some help

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Replies

  • momtozmc
    momtozmc Posts: 418 Member
    I agree that you need to take control of the situation... I'm divorced because of the same situation... BUT I had to know in my heart of hearts that *I* did everything in my power to keep my marriage together for my kids... so we did go to couseling, etc... and he still cheated.. she sounds like my ex... says she wants to work it out... but won't or can't...

    Don't wait for her.
  • kioga86
    kioga86 Posts: 126 Member
    From your response to everyone' suggestions, I think you're really in a tough position and are trying to do the best that you can.

    My suggestion is to lay things out on the table and be firm about it. It sounds like you really do want to try and reconcile, so let her know that you are willing to, but only if she is willing to do certain things. I would have her attending both individual and couple's counseling as part of the agreement, but if I were you, I'd attend individual counseling too, it sounds like you've lost sight of who you are in this whole thing as well.

    I would also not be sleeping in the same bed at this point. If you are in a position where she can sleep in a second bedroom, that would suffice I think. If not, I'd have her stay at a nearby relative's home, a hotel, or an apartment (depending on what you can afford, what keeps her in the area to see your children, etc.).

    But most of all, I would want to have some sort of guarantee that she would not be seeing this other guy, and that he would be no where near you, your wife, or your children.
  • KcFitCoach
    KcFitCoach Posts: 135 Member
    Tinmamado- I am a catholic, but how you figured that out I'll never know.

    I am a lawyer who did family law for 5 years. i know what I'm doing on that front and she knows it too. I know she's fearful of what I can do in a custody dispute. that being said, I have no intentions of doing ianything that isn't in my 3 girls' best itnerests should it come to that.

    I read your guys replies and every single one of you have said or typed something I have felt or thought t some point in the last several days. You can see why this is tearing me up inside. I'm sitting here and have shed a tear just reading the replies.

    I have called two counselors to see about getting in today. No call back yet. Getting late and I don't think it's going to happen.

    We went to a counselor before and I was very optimistic at that time. I put in effort to chane things, but she didn't. Well, iIm sure it was difficult for her to considering she was about 3 months into the affair when we did that. She has seen another counselor by herself once last week before I caught her, when I tracked her down and caught her at his place. She says she'll go through more counselling too.

    I dont' want to be walked over and everytime I let her off the hook, that's what I feel like she's doing. And I don't want to close the door on reconciliation, as it could lead to a rejuvenation of our relationship and even stronger marriage than before. I get this feeling like she doesn't want to commmit, but doesn't want to be the bad guy and admit it. That's why I keep giving her deadlines to make a decision.

    It's gut wrenching. I never thought she would do that to me. Especially considering she ad always hated her Dad in part because he cheated on her Mom.

    And I to take responsiblity for my part in our marriage becoming unhappy, but that's no excuse for what she did. I would've died for her before all this.

    The Sunday Reconciliation part in your post tipped me off to you being Catholic.

    Again, I am SO sorry. Please know, in NO way was I implying it was your fault that she cheated. SHE made that choice. I was just making the point of the TOUGH work ahead likely for both of you if you decide to try to make this work.

    I agree with a previous poster - as a woman...if I had made that mistake of cheating and was TRULY sorry and in love with my husband and worried for my kids I would be BEGGING forgiveness and willing to cut off all ties with the other guy. But, I have never cheated so I don't know how to put myself in her shoes.

    I can't even imagine how torn you are. Her actions have been so selfish. Definitely see if you at least yourself can get in with a counselor ASAP or talk to a Priest or something. Just to at least have some comfort and an unbiased face to face opinion.

    (((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))))))))
  • mikeyml
    mikeyml Posts: 568 Member
    This was devastating to read and I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I think a lot of people have already made some good points and it really comes down to what you want to do. During times when we are really emotional it can be tough to figure out what the right choices are. Surely this has been a traumatic experience and it's completely normal to suffer from a wide range of emotions including: shock, disbelief, anger, fear, denial, emotional pain, blame, unforgiveness, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. With all of these feelings going on, probably simultaneously, it gets really hard to know what to do.

    Given the events that you shared I think the only possible remedy is a separation to collect your thoughts and feelings. You both need some time alone to figure out what is best for your life. She obviously can't commit to you because if she could then she wouldn't need all of this time to think. And you need to think about if you're just fighting for her because you've been hurt or if you really want the relationship to continue.

    If this were a one time mistake and she confessed to you out of guilt, then I would say to work through it without a separation But it's a completely different to continue on a long term sexual and emotional affair while deceitfully misleading your significant other and family. And given your experience as a family lawyer I would hazard to guess she might only consider staying in the relationship because she is fearful of losing her life as she knows it and normal contact with the kids.

    My advice to you is to ask her to move out for the time being until you can decide what is best. If during that time she decides not to come back then you will be one step ahead in recovering from this. During the meantime you should continue to look for a professional counselor and probably attend twice a week until you get through the worst of it. And surely if you two get back together then you should place some conditions on her. She needs to attend individual counseling - no questions asked. You both need to attend marriage counseling to establish a line of communication. And it's possible your kids could need counseling to deal with the stress and trauma.

    Again I'm so sorry and if there is anything I can do then please let me know.
  • hill2302
    hill2302 Posts: 139 Member
    Thank you all for your well wishes. At least now I know I'm not unusual for feeling so conflicted about this. I feel just like you all feel as a collective. I've lokoed at this from every angle I can think of and it's maddening.

    One thing I don't want to do is jump and make a rash decision. While i do want to do what's best for the kids, i agree that my happiness will eventually be also what's best for my children. No kids want to grow up in a angry and disfunctional household.

    I think what I'll do is tell her we need some distance and that she should move out completely for a while. Her mother's place is empty and only 6 minutes away. Then she can have all the time she wants to ponder things and if she wants to reconcile and commit to it, then she can ask me and I'll then decide if that's what I want. I don't know where I'll be if that happens, but I can take my time to consider it if it does.

    This sucks!! It would just be alot easier if I didin't love her. I can see now why some people take back cheaters one or more times. We just love too much.
  • hill2302
    hill2302 Posts: 139 Member
    UPDATE: Well, I did it. She was 65% sure she wanted a divorce and then was convince by her brother that she should try reconcilation jst for the kids. We had both agreed that we wouldn't reconcile if it was just for the kids, but it had to be about us and our relationship. So I told her no.

    I'm moving on with my life and doing what's best for me and the girls. I told her she cuold do all the soul searching and whatever she wants and with whomever she wants. If she find s the love for me someday and wants to try getting back together, she can come begging and I'll see what I think about it then. But she's no longer going to hold my heart and life hostage waiting for her.

    She's going to move out for the time being and I'll be taking care of the girls. She'll be able to see them everyday. I just don't to have to see her very much whie we're seperated. It's not much of a seperation if we keep seeing each other.

    it's very scary moving on like this, but at least I know I have lots of friends and family who are there to help and support me. I'm also going to continue some counselling to make sure my adjustment to all this is healthy and the best for the girls. Thank you all.
  • kelsully
    kelsully Posts: 1,008 Member
    While it is never good to have to make these decision I am so glad that you are having the opportunity to do some moving forward. The next period of time will speak volumes. Good luck with it all and I hope that there can e some sort of amicable resolution of it all.
  • iamstaceywood
    iamstaceywood Posts: 383 Member
    Okay, I didn't read all the responses. Here is how i see it. Clearly you want to work this out, since you are giving her time to think. I think, (i probalby shouldn't say any of this) that she dosen't think your serious about leaving. Do you have a friends couch you can crash on for two nights? The problem is, new guy is a fun exciting escape. NO bills, NO kids, no history. Makes it hard to compare to you.
    YOu need to know that you are sure before you do anything because things are sooooooooo touchy. I would try either counseling or a trial seperation. Or even both.
  • yanicka
    yanicka Posts: 1,004 Member
    UPDATE: Well, I did it. She was 65% sure she wanted a divorce and then was convince by her brother that she should try reconcilation jst for the kids. We had both agreed that we wouldn't reconcile if it was just for the kids, but it had to be about us and our relationship. So I told her no.

    I'm moving on with my life and doing what's best for me and the girls. I told her she cuold do all the soul searching and whatever she wants and with whomever she wants. If she find s the love for me someday and wants to try getting back together, she can come begging and I'll see what I think about it then. But she's no longer going to hold my heart and life hostage waiting for her.

    She's going to move out for the time being and I'll be taking care of the girls. She'll be able to see them everyday. I just don't to have to see her very much whie we're seperated. It's not much of a seperation if we keep seeing each other.

    it's very scary moving on like this, but at least I know I have lots of friends and family who are there to help and support me. I'm also going to continue some counselling to make sure my adjustment to all this is healthy and the best for the girls. Thank you all.

    I think it's a very good decision. Good luck
  • Laceylala
    Laceylala Posts: 3,094 Member
    I think that both of you made a wise decision to move on and see where life takes you. Take care of yourself.
  • mjd0109
    mjd0109 Posts: 152
    This may not be the answer you are looking for but once a cheater always a cheater. I was engaged to a man that had some "indiscretions" (emphasis on the multiple) in the past but I forgave him after apologized, swore he's never do It again and confessed his undying love for me. Lo and behold he did again while we were planning our wedding. needless to say, I left him

    He's not the only experience I've had with cheaters and liars so I can continue with the examples if you really want it.

    Think of it this way, you caught her cheating. Who knows how long or how many times this has happened before? If she can physically cheat, she's been emotionally cheating on you for a long time.

    It seems like in your head you know what you NEED to do but you're letting your heart do the talking about what it wants. I understand you love her, and unlike her, you've been loving your significant other for a long time but the past can't be undone. Moving on is NEVER easy but once its all said and done you will feel great and empowered. It's called a break up, because its broken.

    I'm really sorry you are having to deal with this, best wishes to you and continue to lose weight and feel great (regardless of how it turns out with her)
  • sdwelk11
    sdwelk11 Posts: 825
    I really dont want to give you false hope. My brother went thru this with his wife 20 years ago. They had 3 young children at the time. From 3-8. Two boys and 1 girl. My Sister-in-law cheated with a co-worker and my brother and her seperated. They went to a mediator and were ready to divorce. They decided to give it one last try. SHE WAS COMMITTED 100% to making things work. this meant NO contact with her boyfriend. I know how it tore my brother up and I really have never forgiven her for what she did. I can't say that they always had the best relationship but they were very very young when they had their first child and money was very scarce. 2/1/2011 they celebrated their 30 year anniversary. Their relationship issues have also caused problems for all three of their children in their relationships. They have learned that trust isnt always there, one has been cheated on, My niece refuses to marry her boyfriend because she doesnt believe that marriage will work. It is really sad to see how this affects the children. Even ugh the three children have seen my and My Husband's relationship and how much love, respect, and trust is there ; this doesnt take the place of their parents and what they grew up seeing.
    My advice to you is to walk away. To not fight in front of your children. To respect each other as parents and humans even if things end badly. You need to put your children first. Clearly she isn't 100% commited. Good luck and I know the damage that this can do to a family. Take some time for yourself and your children and step away. Take a good look at whether this is what should be done rather than what you want. You are in my prayers.
  • FearAnLoathing
    FearAnLoathing Posts: 4,852 Member
    thee is never a good excuse to cheat on someone EVER!Your doing the right thing.
  • katschi
    katschi Posts: 689 Member
    http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp

    You will find lots of support there and people who have been where you are right now.
  • manymuses
    manymuses Posts: 162 Member
    If you have kids involved, find a family and marriage counselor ASAP.
  • thankyou4thevenom
    thankyou4thevenom Posts: 1,581 Member
    So sorry that sucks.

    I agree with a lot of people here. You're giving her the power.
    She is the one that cheated on you. You need to take it back.
  • SoonToBeNewTracey
    SoonToBeNewTracey Posts: 22
    I am sorry you have to go through this. Here is my thought... Would she even be considering ending the affair if you hadn't found out? She got caught and now she is scrambling to do and say what you want to see and hear. I am not saying jump right over to the divorce attorney's office, but really think about her motivations and do what is right for you and your family!
    Good luck to you!!!
    Tracey
  • jfgstrack1
    jfgstrack1 Posts: 47
    Please carefully read all the insights given you...there's nothing that I could add to only to say that after you ponder all these thoughts, the answer you seek will come in your own heart. Listen to your inner voice and go with that. Only you will have to live with the consequences. You will have to feel you did the right thing and are strong enough to do the right thing for your children.
  • StephanieBFree
    StephanieBFree Posts: 39 Member
    Okay buddy....let's put things in perspective. I deal with these situations everyday through my work. You are the only one who can make this decision and I know it is a very difficult one. In my opinion, if you do decide to leave then the best thing you can do right away is to meet with legal council and decide on division of assets and access to the children. Once your decision is made and if it is to leave then seek the legal council immediately do not waste any time. The longer the time passes by the more difficult the other party becomes. Get something in place to protect yourself, your assets and the access to your children and your sanity. If it were me I would even seek out this legal council before telling her that the marriage is over (if that is what you decide.) Please do not take this as any legal advice just my opinion.

    Regardless, I wish you the very best of luck and most of all I wish you peace. I also was married before but to a husband who cheated. I am now married to an absolutely amazing man and have two beautiful children. I would never have met him had I not left my first husband.
  • chatnoire
    chatnoire Posts: 13 Member
    What do *you* want from the relationship?

    If she is cheating, it is because she's not feeling secure in the relationship - either by some sort of built up miscommunication, or some anxiety she may be feeling.

    Snap decisions are not the best in the long run. If I were your wife, and I was told to make a supervised phone call to someone, I wouldn't feel committed either.

    I'd talk to a lawyer, and a therapist, if it were me. I'd see the therapist one and one, and together. I think maybe asking your wife why she has strayed - and let her answer. If she really says "no, I just don't want to work on it" - then let it go. If she does want to work on it, ask her what she can give to working on the relationship - then determine if *you* can live with that, and work with it.

    It's a 2 person game.
  • mikeyml
    mikeyml Posts: 568 Member
    Okay buddy....let's put things in perspective. I deal with these situations everyday through my work. You are the only one who can make this decision and I know it is a very difficult one. In my opinion, if you do decide to leave then the best thing you can do right away is to meet with legal council and decide on division of assets and access to the children. Once your decision is made and if it is to leave then seek the legal council immediately do not waste any time. The longer the time passes by the more difficult the other party becomes. Get something in place to protect yourself, your assets and the access to your children and your sanity. If it were me I would even seek out this legal council before telling her that the marriage is over (if that is what you decide.) Please do not take this as any legal advice just my opinion.

    Regardless, I wish you the very best of luck and most of all I wish you peace. I also was married before but to a husband who cheated. I am now married to an absolutely amazing man and have two beautiful children. I would never have met him had I not left my first husband.

    The OP is a divorce lawyer. He just didn't want to have it happen to him.
  • Sasssy69
    Sasssy69 Posts: 547 Member
    Your wife cheated, and she's not remorseful. She's hesitant to break it off. She needs more time. Why? Because she feels if she waits long enough, you'll eventually get sick of it and make the decision for her. Which is what she wants. She doesn't want to be the "bad guy." If she cheats, but then you file for divorce, she can tell people that you didn't want to work it out. She's pushing back the deadline because she doesn't want to come back, but she doesn't want to admit it to you and look bad.

    When my ex husband left me, he denied having an affair. Denies it to this day, even though I have proof. Because it's bad enough that he left his wife and kids. But to cheat? Even worse. Same thing with your wife. It's bad enough that she cheated on you, but to leave you for another man as well? Imagine what people will think! That's where she's at. She's stringing you along so you force the decision. Then it's about what you did, and not what she did.

    The question you have to ask yourself is: Can you live with someone who betrayed you in the worst way? What will your life look like? Will you question, become suspicious, and end up destroying everything? I know this about myself: When I'm cheated on, I'm done. Because I can't live with someone who would so willingly hurt me this way. As one of the previous posters said - the fact that she was even open to the advances of someone else means she was ready to betray you a long time ago.

    Everyone makes mistakes in a marriage. I'm sure you made yours. Can you forgive her? Maybe some day. But can you live with her and stay married to her knowing what you do? That's the question you have to be able to answer yes to.

    You're in my thoughts.
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