Men strike back

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Replies

  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,307 Member
    To be fair about it.

    20 reasons women prefer dogs to men...

    1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
    4. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
    5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
    6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
    7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
    8. You can train a dog and it will even get your newspaper.
    9. Dogs are easy to buy for.
    10. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
    11. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
    12. Dogs understand what 'no' means.
    13. Dogs don't need therapy to deal with their problems.
    14. Dogs are happy with whatever you feed them.
    15. You can force a dog to take a bath.
    16. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
    17. Dogs don't borrow your credit cards or cellular phone.
    18. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
    19. Dogs don't play video games.
    20. Dogs don't drink beer or watch football.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
    HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

    WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

    ELEMENT: Woman
    SYMBOL: Wo
    DISCOVERER: Adam
    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
    OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
    5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
    5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

    COMMON USES:

    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
    3. Very effective cleaning agent.

    TESTS:

    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

    HAZARDS:

    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
    LMAO thats funny. Oh hey-- How do you empty a blonds memory : You blow in her ear.
  • MobiusMan
    MobiusMan Posts: 385 Member
    Why don't blonds make chocolate chip cookies?....Takes too long to peel the M&Ms

    What do you call a blond that dyes her hair?...Artificial Intelligence

    What is a blonds mating call?...Whewww, I think I'm drunk.

    What's a brunette's mating call?...Has that Blond ***** gone home yet?
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
    I read these a while back and I thought they applied to this thread.

    Mens Rules for Women

    Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    - If you can pick it up you can put it down, or learn to aim :)

    Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
    - Cool, cause I can't afford the "perfect" lift kit/kc lights/60" tv etc either

    Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
    - Ditto


    Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
    -I enjoy talking guns and will watch monster trucks. And I'm a better shot than my husband.

    Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    -When {{I}}, repeat I, am watching football, I wish my husband would shut up or go do something outside.

    Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    - Thats fine, booger flicking and spitting isn't either , us girls don't want to join in.

    When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
    -We just want some appreciation for the time we spent trying to look good on your arm and make other guys jealous ;)


    Crying is blackmail.
    -don't make us cry :)

    Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
    -when asking for it doesn't work, I get it myself

    We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
    -already put it all in his phone

    Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
    -my husband has more shoes than I do, and I had to make him throw out a pair before getting new ones

    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    -yes they are, if only my husband was capable of more than an indecipherable grunt... :tongue:

    Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    -I agree, so when ya'll whine to us, prepare for advice (and maybe try taking it) :wink:

    A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    -duh, and I can think of a very fun way to get rid of that headache

    Check your own oil! Please.
    -i do then my husband complains cause i didn't wait 3-5 months for him to do it

    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
    -until you use the roladex brain you "secretly" have and pull up stuff that we did or said (years) before we even met

    If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    -i love my VS, he wines that I spent $$ on it, or got the wrong color And byw--soap opera guys have more drama than we do, why would we want that?? :laugh:

    If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    -ditto :glasses:

    Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
    -works both ways buddy :tongue: My rule is we aren't blind, you can look, but you can't touch

    You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    -Ok well, then next time you don't feel like driving, don't tell us how to from the passenger seat :happy:

    Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    -ditto please please. I hate having to listen to you and my tv show at the same time. Its so rude.

    Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
    -He wasn't looking for America-- he got lucky. BTW I have a way better sense of direction than my husband.

    The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
    -Ditto. We are all B*s and can only take so much crap before we have to set it right.

    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    -Ok, well have fun telling the guy repainting your car exactly what color you want :wink: :laugh:

    If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    -so do we, just not right infront of everyone..

    We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
    -Ditto

    If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle
    -If we aren't worth the hassle, then neither are you. One day we all find someone who is.

    Just had to respond LOL.
  • wolf23
    wolf23 Posts: 4,258 Member
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
    The dog is truly a man's best friend.
    If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

    Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

    When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!

    :laugh:

    You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:

    I'm hoping she doesn't see it! :tongue:

    Good one Teddy!

    well she did......

    Best watch it smart *kitten*!
  • mommierun
    mommierun Posts: 1
    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
    [/quote]

    All in fun. Here's one at my expence to make amends.

    A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

    "Did god make you?", she asked.

    "Yes" he answered.

    "Did god make me,to?" she wondered.

    "Yes", he replied.

    "Well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
    [/quote]


    That was really cute..enjoyed it. :happy:
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
    hate to admit..i laughed
  • Spitfirex007
    Spitfirex007 Posts: 749 Member
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

    LOL that is going on my facebook wall
  • yogagirltrista
    yogagirltrista Posts: 9 Member
    One of my favorites:

    HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN...


    OMG! So funny!!!
  • CalorieNinja
    CalorieNinja Posts: 645 Member
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
    'Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
    What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

    LOL that is going on my facebook wall

    That is hilarious!!
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