Desperate for advice...

FullOfSpice · February 2011

I recently joined MFP after previously using Spark People, but wanted to try something different. About 5 years ago, after I graduated college, I was not working so had a lot of time to myself when I wasn't job hunting. I devoted almost 1.5/day, 5-6 week working out. I did 35 minutes of cardio, and up to an hour of various strength exercises...I had a strict diet, meaning I ate small meals 5x's a day , drank seldom, and ate out seldomly as well. By the end of 5 months, I lost 15 pounds and was the healthiest I have ever been at that point. This was the biggest accomplishment for me, even more so than graduating college, since growing up, I had eating disorders and always "made fun" of me because my sisters were the thin ones, and I was curvy...I had a lot of trouble ever losing weight and always had body image disorders....

I kept up my routine for about 2-3 years. Fall of 2008, I started to gain some weight and realized I was not in the same shape I had been previously. I also started eating emotionally. I didn't have many friend I could confide in, I hated my job, was in a nonsense relationship with someone who didn't care about me as much as I did about him...I struggled with getting motivation to be healthy and became lazy. But then, by early 2009, I received a new job offer for a dream job, and took it. I felt really happy. In the summer of 2009, I decided to take charge of my life and started working out with a personal trainer and attended boot camps. By November 2009, I had lost 10 lbs and was in AMAZING SHAPE. I am not a runner, and I was running 8 min miles...I was excited because it wasn't about being thin, but I felt GREAT. I mean I had so much energy and was in a great mood. But with ups comes the downs...something happened in December 2009. I ended up catching "walking pnemonia." I had no energy to wake up or do anything...My relationship with my fiance ended and I ultimately fell into a huge depression (more so than I already was). Now, I have these binges that keep coming back and I can't get a handle on them. I eat emotionally to hide whatever the root cause is. Maybe I'm bored or depressed, but I have these very unhealthy binges, and as a result, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I've gained almost 30 pounds and its eating me up because I look in the mirror and feel like I let myself down. I used to be such an active person and its hard to think I let myself become who I am today. It's even more depressing, when I get up every morning and none of my clothes fit. I've invested in a few outfits that are a few sizes up, but I have a closet FULL of clothes that I cannot even get into....This enough should be motivation, but I'm still having a hard time with these binges...I haven't given up completely though. I've put myself on a clean eating diet and started running but its been 2 months and I am still having trouble (primarily due to my binges). I have a great boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful everyday, but I still picture myself as a let down and I really need advice on how I can take control of my eating habits...

Any advice would be helpful...thanks for reading...

trudypickles · February 2011

I havent really got any advice but to say this site is fab! very supportive and has really helped me eat healthier and get motivated to exercise regularly
Youve come to the right place...GOOD LUCK!!! x

EZGruv · February 2011

Agreed, this is a great site. Snatch up some 'pals' and stay motivated. You'll be surprised how supportive the folks here can be!

anacsitham5 · February 2011

Welcome to MFP. You will love it here. You can accept friends and they will in turn keep you motivated. It's been great! I've been here for 5 weeks now and have lost just over 17 pounds. I was a stress eater so I know how you feel. Now that I am following MFP I worry so much about going over my limits that I'm very careful about what I eat and how much of it at that. I I didn't start exercising until this morning and at that it was only 15 minutes, but I have found that if I start out dieting & exercising at the same time I burn out too quickly and quit. The best part of this is that you can eat whatever you want, but you just need to make sure that you don't go over your daily limits set by MFP. My only exception to that rule is fiber, protein and the vitamins. I eat three meals a day and three snacks a day. So I'm always eatting. In all honesty I have a hard time meeting my calorie goal. When you want to binge just remember how you will feel afterwards and blog on here instead. We are all here to help one another. I make myself dring 12 ounces of water and walk for 15 minutes. If I'm still hungry I will have something that I crave, but only a tiny amount. MOst of the time, the exercise helps me to get it all under control. I love carbs. They are my stress foods, so I will eat hot air popped with no butter (no more than 3 cups) or a 1/2 of a baked potato, or a salad in a wrap. Good luck! Stay strong and tag me as a friend if you need some support!

LaDiablesse · February 2011

I know writing out my feelings has always helped me get things out when I would normally go to food for comfort. Now I've added working out to combat those feelings. You've come to the right place if you're looking for support & encouragement. Good luck on your journey!

LBATL · February 2011

Thanks for sharing your story. Based on what I have read - it definitely sounds like you need to get help in getting over your eating disorder(s). You have to get to the root cause of what going on emotionally and mentally before you are ever going to acheive your goals. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and it wasn't until last year when I read "Women, Food and God" that I was able to finally get it. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head and suddenly all of my behavior made sense. It is such a liberating experience getting to the root of the problem and actually being able to change my way of thinking has been amazing. Have you ever considered talking to a counselor or attending over eaters anonymous? Maybe outside support would be beneficial. MFP is great and all but I don't think you'll ever be able to get the type of support you need over the Internet. Also, you have to find a way to get your self worth higher - no matter how much you hear you are beautiful from other people (like your boyfriend) it doesn't matter if you don't believe it. You need to believe in yourself and your own strength to get beyond this - you can do it! I wish you luck in your journey!

JesaGrace · February 2011

I don't have any deep wisdom on the subject either....I think accountability is a big deal with something like this....well, weight loss and everything else too....You need someone to be a sounding board and to encourage you through all this....you need people....it's too easy to slip if you don't have someone watching you and keeping you on your toes.....that would be my advice....and although this site helps with motivation and encouragement.....I think you also need people where you are...."a friend in the flesh" so to speak....we, on this site, can give you advice and all that....but we can see everything that's going on in your life....we only know what you give and show to us.....hope this makes sense....

muth3rluvx2 · February 2011

Wow - you've got alot going on.

Have you considered counseling by any chance? The reason I suggest this is that it sounds like you may benefit from some minor behavior modifications and a good therapist can help you learn those and incorporate them into your daily life. The ones I see right off the top are:
1) self-talk - lots of negative self talk based on your sense of failure
2) ED - you're probably dead on that you're using this to hide from something; a therapist can help you confront that thing and emotionally cope so that you no longer have to use this as a crutch or a wall.
3) ED - just for its own sake and independent of the above.
4) Depression - can you determine what type fo depression? Situational (triggered by circumstance); chemical (may require meds); environmental/learned (grew up with parents who were depressed and its how you saw to cope with negative circumstances)
5) resolving the past - you're clearly hung up back there and that alone can be a stop for us. I know, it sucks.. seems like it should be a motivator, right? Depends on your relationship with it. Yours is being used as a bludgeoning tool. :-(

Everyone's got issues and sometimes, it's just flat out helpful when someone who is unbiased can help us navigate through some of them. Yours are pretty obvious and I'd guess you'd be able to manage a great deal of these issues in 6 months or less with a good counselor. :-) You may be able to manage them on your own but I think it would take longer.

Oh and talk to your BF.. alot. about all of this - soliciting his support and understanding will be huge.

rosebarnalice · February 2011

There are a lot of us that can empathize with different parts of your story.

Me? Gained 30 lbs after a stressful job change; then lost 72 lbs in 8 months; kept it of for two years; then found 46 of the 72 I'd lost over about a 9 month period. Now fighting to get back to where I know I want--and need-- to be for a happy, healthy life.

First step: drop that big stick you're using to beat yourself up, and pick up a jump rope or a barbell instead!
You've done it before! You can do it again!

Pikefireman · February 2011

I think the key word is "habits." You used to be in the habit of working out and eating healthy. You are now in the habit of lounging around feeling bad for not doing anything. Taking on a bad habit is easy. Breaking one is hard. This website is a great tool when used properly. Find the motivation to break your current habits and find your old healthy ones.

SheliaN1960 · February 2011

Hi and I have been down that road. Sometimes we have to search our heart and souls to find ourselves. I can't give you any advice fbecause you have already been there and done that and you know how it feels and what it takes. But the hard part is taking those first few steps. My only advice is for you to give yourself 21 days of healthy eating and exercise. If you can give yourself 21 days you have given yourself the best jumpstart and the rest will follow. I am a binge eater and my poor eating habits are from my emotional issues. So I really, really understand everything you say. I wish you such success and happiness and all the best of your new journey! You are in the right place. There are some days that it just gets to big for me to carry alone and then from out of the blue comes my MFP friends and their real concern and support picks me back up and sets me on my feet so that I and I alone can finish my walk on this journey!! Keep your chin up and I will be reading about you on here soon of your success!! Many blessing for you!

givprayz · February 2011

You seem to understand your problems pretty well, which is a good first step. Now when you want to binge, you need to find an alternate behavior. You could come here and answer posts, or write a blog, or you could go for a walk with your great partner, or you could even go to the kitchen and prepare ahead a bunch of snack bags of fresh fruits and vegetables, or prepare a nutritious recipe you can freeze and pop in the oven some rushed evening. Do anything that doesn't involve actually eating. I have found that trying to satisfy a binge urge by eating something good for me doesn't satisfy it at all, it makes it worse. Better to do something different completely.
A number of my friends journal. Keep a book or file on your computer to write down your feelings when you feel the urge to binge. What is it you are trying to fill up or smash down with food? What brought those feelings on? What did you try to address the real problem, or to avoid it? What works and what doesn't? Maybe this will give you insight into what your body and mind really need to feel "full".
Best of luck on this journey.

FullOfSpice · February 2011

Thanks for the great comments. Writing it out definitely helps, because I am confronting something I've been hiding forever. I don't like sharing my emotions very often, and probably why I've had such a hard time starting counseling.

Depression is caused by numerous things, mainly lack of self esteem. No one ever told me they were proud of me growing up and I was always called a failure, even though I graduated with a 4.0 GPA in High School and went to a great college, and have been living independant of anyone since I was 17. Because of that, I've always been scared to ask for help trying to prove I can do it on my own.
I'm on anti-depressants, which have been helpful, considering I am completely different person when not on them. Depression is also genetically prevelant in my family, thus no support since its hard to get support when no one wants to acknowledge the issue.

Anyway, I will keep posting and logging...I just have to realize and accept to take it one step at a time. Thanks again....

cbbradshaw · February 2011

As I was reading your post, I keep thinking she's singing my song. I know about depression. Was in therapy, took meds, did all the things that a person does to try to get over/through depression. I beat it for the most part but during this time I didn't just gain 30 pounds, I gained 130. In September, I had a life changing revelation. I kicked an all-consuming toxic person out of my life and quit believing the crap they spewed at me. The "your-not-good-enoughs". I AM worth eating healthy. I AM worth hard work. I AM enough just the way I am......and so are you. You are worth stopping your binge eating. You are worth exercising. You are worth eating healthy.

I just found this site a few days ago. Since being here I've lost 3 lbs. Since September, I've lost 45. I think you'll really enjoy being here. These people are great and very inspiring.

There is hope and you already know you can do it. You've done it before and you'll do it again.

tater8589 · February 2011

I'm so very sorry that such horrible things have happened. I'm not perfect, but I can tell you everything will be ok, we all have "stuff" happen. I'm here for ya. You can do this. Get a trainer again, working out will help you feel better. All experiences are different, but I have been in similar shoes. My ex (4 yrs) broke it off, instead of proposing (the day of-- our friends had told me his[proposal] plans) I had to start over brand new, I quit both my jobs(one of which I hated my boss) dropped my college classes and joined the military, and left the 2 friends (i still had after the breakup) back home. It [military] isn't for every one, but we all need a new start sometimes. You can find new starts in so many ways, just by making a new friend or 2, a new job (if its possible), moving accross town or accross the country. Whatever works for you. Good luck. MFP has many wonderful supporters and we are all here to help.

:flowerforyou:

sameantha · February 2011

I have to say I know where you are coming from. I have been down the same road. Overeaters will give you the support in person if that is what you want. The main thing I got from them is to turn it over to God, he is the one who will give you the strength to get thru the day and if you think you can't make it he will carry you. I also learned to journal all of my feelings - good - or bad.. You do need to have some accountability and you will find it here. I have been using the boards for a few weeks now and I have found some great inspiration and motivation.

Take each day with baby steps. Some one said in an earlier post to give yourself 21 days, that is what it takes to develop a habit..

Good Luck to you and hang in there.

calmmomw3minimeez · February 2011

Hello and welcome. You will find that many of us have a lot in common so you shouldn't feel like you're in this alone. I too became an emotional eater after several deaths in my and my husband's family. I was dealing with family life, financial issues, and a new baby all at the same time, and I guess that the only time I felt 'normal' was when I ate. Before I knew it I ended up weighing more than I ever have (171) in my entire life(except when pregnant), and it took me awhile to get up and do something about it. I felt like I didn't have the time, strength, nor the energy, but I struck out on my own to get into shape(mentally and emotionally) as well as physically, not realizing that 'doing it on my own' was my biggest mistake. After months of thinking that I would just have to accept myself the way I was whether I liked it or not, the light bulb came on and that's when I officially started my journey. I don't consider myself religious and I am not a 'church door knocker downer' but for me, a personal relationship with God is very important to me. I hadn't realized that while I was trying to keep from losing my mind from the bad things that had taken place in my life, I didn't even consider praying about my physical condition. Once I did that, I was able to start on my plan(including finding MFP) and my mind is a lot clearer. Don't get me wrong though...there will be some mishaps along the way and you will go through some trial and error episodes as we all do, but just remember that if something doesn't go quite right, you can always pick yourself up and start anew. I'm not really trying to give advice here, but just a little inspiration from my personal experience and hopefully a little inspiration to help you get started on your journey. Best of luck and feel free to add me.

Desperate for advice...

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