I'm new

Hi,

I'm Ericka and I'm 26 (will be 27 in a month). I'm a born and raised SoCal girl. I'm currently in school for Web Design, just Graduated with my Associates in Graphic Design. I love photography and anything to do with baking. If I could choose one career that would make me happy it would be baking/chef.

I've been big all my life and can't remember a time when I was actually skinny. I started putting on weight when I was about 7yo and it's been growing every since. I can remember as a kid (maybe 10?) bragging to my friends that I had "stretch marks like my mommy". I felt grown up because I had them on my legs like I saw my moms.

I think I'm pretty knowledgeable as to why I'm obese. Which seems to make it worse because I'm not stupid at all and I know exactly why I am the way I am and do nothing to stop it. We'll, I take that back...everyone (especially if you've been fat from a young age) has been on diets on and off your whole life. I've done them, all of them. I recently was doing AWESOME on Alli. I loved it and was finally able to see what everyone else had been seeing. I felt great, my confidence was up, I was lovin life. I was exercising regularly...long 1 hour walks with my dogs. I lost roughly 20lbs and have since gained it all back, I'm sure.

I went to England in September 2010 for a family death. When I got back I was sick and have been sick since I've been back. I have had every cold/sickness going around and because I have asthma (cold induced...gets worse when I'm sick) I cannot move around much or I cough, cough, cough. When the bronchitis was very strong I was doing nothing...for about 2 months. I have a back problem which I've had for years now. If I'm sedentary for long bouts of time it becomes very painful to walk and once I lose the strength in my back I lose me. The pain becomes so bad that I'd rather just not deal with it then try. I worked so hard on my back starting in late summer of 2010, I endured the pain for the end result and because I've been sick so much all that hard work went to waste. My back is now reverted back to painful. I want to work through it and I try when I can but I've been sick ever since I returned. I started to feel better from one sickness and then I get another. It has been one thing after another with being sick, hurting my foot (strained tendon for about a month), back problems, not eating well...etc.

I apologize for sounding so negative, I try not to be but sometimes when you write it all out it just feels so overwhelming and makes me frustrated with my own body. I WANT to be healthy, I WANT to lose weight...I self sabotage my success, and my body breaks down on me.

I originally joined MFP over a month ago and didn't come back. I decided to return after visiting my friend PB2MYJ (Laci) in Arizona this passed weekend. She is a true inspiration! I've decided to come back and see what it's all about. I don't want to throw myself into it so for now I'm just using it as a way to keep track of what I'm normally eating. I've not changed how I've eaten and just put it as I eat. I hope to have the same results as my friends and hopefully once all this sickness is done with I'll be out doing my normal, happy go lucky self.


If you read ALL of that...I give you props.