What do to do when partner is unsupportive??

barberella
barberella Posts: 199
edited September 24 in Motivation and Support
I live with my boyfriend for over 4 years. He's awesome. However, he knows how important my journey is to me because it's all I ever talk about. He also knows he could drop a few himself because he mentions it, but says he isn't motivated. I have long time ago given up trying to get him on the same page. Nonetheless, how do I get him to realize that he could be a little more supportive? He says he wants me to be happy, and losing some weight would make me so freakin' happy. But I wish he just would not eat all this crap in front of me!! Does anybody else have this same issue??

Replies

  • bouldert
    bouldert Posts: 225 Member
    concentrat on you and your well being ,once you show him how seriuos you are and the accomplishments you have made and the heads you will be turning and the looks you will be getting he will step up because he will feel threatened or left behind .but you have to be strong for you.
  • shaunarlr83
    shaunarlr83 Posts: 374 Member
    I have the same problem and most days I can ignore what he eats and drinks, but some days its hard. When I say "lets run to town and get something to eat" his reply is always "sonic or mcdonalds" I have gotten to the point where I can buy "snacks" for him and not want them for myself but I think it is a lot easier for me because he is gone away from home a lot so I don't have to deal with it everyday.
  • udallmom101
    udallmom101 Posts: 564 Member
    I absolutely do! My husband is a bean pole, eats whatever he wants, WHENEVER he wants. Right before we go to bed, almost every night, he grabs a Little Debbie cake and eats it in bed as we watch the news. Drives me crazy! I know he supports me and is very proud of what I have accomplished thus far, but that is a little uncalled for.
    All I do is ask that he doesn't do it anymore. He tries his hardest, and that is all I can expect from him. We just have to tune it out at some point. Keep our eyes on the prize.
  • vox23
    vox23 Posts: 246 Member
    I just posted a similar topic the other day.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/178922-for-the-married-peeps

    Mine says he wants me to help him lose the weight, but shows no real desire to change his eating habits. It's super frustrating. I think the best thing to do, as others clearly stated in my post, is to realize that change happens with yourself and regardless of what he is doing in front of you, you are in control of what you eat, etc.

    Good luck with all that. I totally feel your pain!
  • Sweettart
    Sweettart Posts: 1,331 Member
    I totally do! My hardest thing is that he loves to eat junk and to eat fast food and so do I and he tells me it is will power and I know it is but only to a degree.

    The example I use is he likes to drink and if he had to stop drinking so would I. I guess we just have to be a very strong women to get through it.

    And with us losing weight like it doesnt have any benifits for them!!
  • DaisyMoo86
    DaisyMoo86 Posts: 43
    i dont have an unsupportive partner but i do have unsuportive family/friends and work colleagues.......

    always eating nicies in front of me, always asking me out for meals etc etc theyve always said to me they are happy for me whatever shape and weight i am, but now ive lost 2 stone all they want to do is make me eat.....

    MFP friends are better than any, good luck on your journey!! xx
  • k80mac
    k80mac Posts: 63 Member
    My husband says "don't buy the crap and i won't eat it"
    He SHOULD be getting in shape - b/c he legitimately has high bp and cholesterol issues. But, it's his choice...not to exercise, and his choice to eat whatever.
    I'm sure it sounds awful of me, but i just focus on doing for me...and hopefully my behavior model will imprint on him, and I pray that it impacts my daughters. Lead and they'll follow. He's even admitted that with all of my progress it kinda makes him want to shape up too. (Then do it dude!)
    As far as your boyfriend eating junk in front of you, I think we're all always going to face challenges and temptation, you just have to dig deep yourself and turn your nose to it. Because it's MY choice not to eat the junk. ya know? I'm sure my advice sucks - it's just how I handle it. ;-)
  • CharHill4
    CharHill4 Posts: 4
    My husband is the same way. He is about 30 pounds overweight where as I am 60 pounds. I too have struggled with my weight and he knows this. He keeps saying that he needs to lose weight as well, but when I ask him if he'd like to go walking with me,,his response is always "I have walked enough at work today!" Then he turns around and eats way too much for dinner or eats junk food in front of me knowing I can NOT have it! I wish I could help with the motivation thing for your boyfriend, but I can't seem to get my husband motivated either. Maybe we could add each other as friends on here and try out new things with them to see which works and which ones don't?
  • lindainak
    lindainak Posts: 101
    I am 59 and my husband is 60. He finally has started to support my weight lose just within the last 2 months. He needs to lose 80 pounds. It has taken him 60 years to realize he may have to live a more healthy lifestyle. Well dah.... Interesting to see if he will sustain the momentum.
  • cheangela
    cheangela Posts: 173
    I actually leave and take a walk whenever my other half comes home with something I shouldn't be having. It took him awhile but he finally got the hint and makes a point to just eat those things when I'm not around.

    You are strong and you can do this with, or without, him :-)
  • efreeland
    efreeland Posts: 6
    From what you've said it doesn't sound to me as though he is unsupportive. He knows how important losing weight is to you and he wants you to be happy. It shouldn't matter to you what he puts on your plate because you know that what he eats is "crap". My fiance and I don't eat the same things or at the same time at some meals, but he eats what he wants and I eat what I want and expecting him to change and eat what you want to eat is a little selfish.
  • knovello82
    knovello82 Posts: 110 Member
    Yes, I have the same problem. I feel bad sometimes because I get mad if he brings home something that is really bad. I even get mad at him for being so unmotivated because he is much more overweight than me!
  • GeauxDonielle
    GeauxDonielle Posts: 145 Member
    same issue! my husband has a fast metabolism but for health could make healthier decisions- and lose a little extra weight. i am trying to incorporate healthy choices for whole family (4kids,2dogs) iwant us to be a fit lifestyle family and not have obesse kids- teach healthy decisions young and itll alwaYs be part of their life- hopefully. The trouble also is 3 are stepkids- they are here one week and gone one week. They dont want to ride bikes or really play- they prefer to sit on couch doing nothing. My son enjoys playing basketball and bike riding- he is 6 and is already discussing healthy decisions with the others. I do try to cook the healthiest dinners most of time. My husband will allow his 8 yr old daughter to eat a whole steak and or thirds of pizza- I can understand a splurge at times becausethey are young but I want them to deelop healthy eating. He hates when i talk about calories and the word healthy is almost a curse word and deterent from food. Im not "dieting" im changing my life- I will continue to do my own things and fight food temptations and help teach healthyhabits. try and remember serenity prayer Good Luck here for support :flowerforyou:
  • lxspollack
    lxspollack Posts: 35
    concentrat on you and your well being ,once you show him how seriuos you are and the accomplishments you have made and the heads you will be turning and the looks you will be getting he will step up because he will feel threatened or left behind .but you have to be strong for you.

    I agree with everything said above! This is YOUR journey NOT your BF. He is obviously not ready to accept the challenge of change. You are. Don't wait for him. The fastest way to change someone's behavior, is to change our own. Your BF will either step up and go with you, or you will outgrow him.

    In your BF's defense, Have you openly and clearly told him what you feel, or asked him for support(ie. Please don't eat your snacks in front of me.) Keep in mind you may have to approach the subject from his point of view, not your own. You know how you feel and what you want. He IS probably supporting you the way he knows how. Which may not be exactly what you have in mind when you say you want support. Lay it out for him clearly in a way that he can understand it. Don't assume that he knows what you want from him. If he is as wonderful as you say, once he understands what you need he will do everything he can to help you.
  • RMinVA
    RMinVA Posts: 1,085 Member
    I went through that starting out, and finally just said screw it. Hubby could do what he wanted, but that doesn't mean I have to do it!! Funny how he got on board after I lost about 30#. We both entered our first sprint triathlon last month. We will be doing it in September.

    I have however read him the riot act about late night "muchies" when we are @ the beach for the weekend. We have a small condo on the beach in Delaware so we are down there quite a bit. When he comes home with wings or a whole pizza it's just too hard to say no after a night out. I'm still working on breaking that habit, but my solution now is just to go to bed :-)

    I do all the grocery shopping, so I am in control in regards to what comes into the house. I will pick up an occasional treat: like ice cream or chips, but I get the smallest size available. I still make his favorite meals, but I make healthier versions. And there are a couple of things that he loves, that I can pass on, so on those nights he gets a "treat" and I just have a salad or leftovers. That way he doesn't feel deprived the rest of the week..

    Neither one of us eats a lot of fast food, so that is a non-issue, But I will often let him pick where we eat out, knowing that I can probably piece together something that is somewhat healthy.

    Hope that helps!
  • calmmomw3minimeez
    calmmomw3minimeez Posts: 499 Member
    concentrat on you and your well being ,once you show him how seriuos you are and the accomplishments you have made and the heads you will be turning and the looks you will be getting he will step up because he will feel threatened or left behind .but you have to be strong for you.

    I agree with everything said above! This is YOUR journey NOT your BF. He is obviously not ready to accept the challenge of change. You are. Don't wait for him. The fastest way to change someone's behavior, is to change our own. Your BF will either step up and go with you, or you will outgrow him.

    In your BF's defense, Have you openly and clearly told him what you feel, or asked him for support(ie. Please don't eat your snacks in front of me.) Keep in mind you may have to approach the subject from his point of view, not your own. You know how you feel and what you want. He IS probably supporting you the way he knows how. Which may not be exactly what you have in mind when you say you want support. Lay it out for him clearly in a way that he can understand it. Don't assume that he knows what you want from him. If he is as wonderful as you say, once he understands what you need he will do everything he can to help you.
  • calmmomw3minimeez
    calmmomw3minimeez Posts: 499 Member
    It seems as though when I'm on a roll with my plan, my husband decides to go on one takeout binge after another, and if I give in, he suddenly and miraculously wants to eat healthy. I think that men can sometimes be intimidated by us sticking to our guns and they may be a little afraid that we might dump them once we become hotties; hence the slick sabotage! Bottom line is that we are doing this for OURSELVES first with or without support from our OHS. You can love them and still do what you have to do for yourself and once he sees that you are going for it no matter what, he'll either jump on the bandwagon or in awhile, he'll be following you everytime you walk out of the door(lol) Just remember that this is what MFP is all about...support. Stay on it and who knows, he just may join you.
  • diabettie
    diabettie Posts: 3
    I can completely relate. My partner is amazing and I love him but we couldn't be more opposite from each other when it comes down to health. He's a chain smoker, won't eat any vegetables, only eats rice and pasta in mass quantities where as I'm a Type I Diabetic who has to count every single carb!!
    All I can do is keep on going strong - I know it's tough. In my case I noticed that the more focused and determined I became with my routine... eventually he started joining me... not completely but baby steps right? Our eating habits and diets may never match - but I've resolved that I have to do this for me. He does go walking with me on very rare occasions and sometimes even surprises me by going running on his own. It does make me sad sometimes that he's not more involved but in the end - I am doing this to feel comfortable and happy in my own skin again. Hang in there!
  • barberella
    barberella Posts: 199
    Everybody has some really good things to say..In the BF's defense, he has become much more supportive, and I know he wants me to lose the weight because he knows I will be more happier. and I didn't get on here to ***** about him because he one of those guys that you only find once in a lifetime so I don't have a lot to complain about. But I will say this, he has become a little more supportive this time around (believe me, this is not my first time "dieting" since we have been together). And his tactics are almost funny...He sneaks crappy food now. Like he won't eat crap in front of me basically. He will wait til he gets in the car, or at work. I guess that is helpful..to me. And no, I have realized that I cannot persuade him in any way to join me on this journey despite he told me the other day he feels he needs to especially since he has some health issues that I worry about such as very bad asthma and he doesn't like his "tire" when he put on a shirt I bought him..But I didn't say anything...

    So, yeah, I know I am going to have to keep going strong..for me, and I haven't waivered. It is hard at times to watch him and are other friends order huge burgers and fries when we go out and I"m sitting there with a piece of blackened tuna, but that's life... But one more *****..I buy healthier meats and sometimes they're expensive; even Boca Burgers can get pricey..Does he have to eat two of them????? LOL.I still love my man though...
  • jipper44
    jipper44 Posts: 111
    I'm not surprised you've gotten such a response to this post and we all feel your pain, I'm sure. It took confirming with my doctor that my goals were realistic and healthy for my boyfriend to take my weight loss seriously. He's still cooking his own dinner if he doesn't want what I do, but I see some little changes in his behavior in the right direction. Don't worry, he'll come around!
  • onewarmmomma
    onewarmmomma Posts: 222 Member
    It does make me sad sometimes that he's not more involved but in the end - I am doing this to feel comfortable and happy in my own skin again. Hang in there!

    ....and the good news is - when you get married he'll have to eat what you cook!
  • MissKtana
    MissKtana Posts: 4 Member
    Ok, a little bit of a different issue...I never knew I had a weight problem until I saw a pic of me(about 6 months back) and realized just how horrible I looked. I stepped on the scale and BAM 190lbs...Scared the goddess right out of me...So I started to work out and eat healthy. My bf says now that I've lost 30lbs that I'm not "fat"...However I am still not a healthy weight for my size...My issue is he buys things I LOVED to eat, eats them in front of me and basically says I can't have any or worse that I can have a "little bit"...<_< A little bit means a tease, a taste or a tortuously small amount less then the size of a tablespoon. Tonight its "lets make full fat french onion soup" 0_0 732 calories and 30grams of fat in this friggen recipe..Now HE'S upset because I said I can't/won't eat it...Can I slap him for this? Because I really want to! Anyone else have this issue, or at least know how I can deal with it WITHOUT smacking some sensitivity into him?
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