I'm not sure if this is a vent...or a meltdown...but I just

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writtenINthestars
writtenINthestars Posts: 1,933 Member
in Motivation and Support
and I feel like my heart is crumbling.

I had a one on one with my boss today and she mentioned how there was feedback about my sarcasm sometimes coming off negative. Ok fine, not a problem-I'll try to be more careful and think things thoroughly before saying them outloud.

Then she said "I'm saying this more out of concern as your friend, not your boss...but it seems like you are either eating, planning on eating, or talking about eating all day long".

Now at first I'm thinking "what the hell, I've been trying so hard and just because you happen to see me online ordering my lunch for Friday you assume this? Because I have a bowl of blueberries on my desk? Come on!"

And then the break down came. It seems I'm more obsessed with food than I ever was. I may not be eating everything in sight, but I'm so consumed with counting calories and looking up food related things that I'm pushing things to the background. I'm so aggravated with the whole process and ended up telling her about my struggles and that I'm addicted to food. That I shouldn't have kids until I lose a significant amount of weight. That I feel guilty every second of the day for have making this so hard for my husband and myself. That I can't even take control of my own body.

The reality is I need some serious therapy but I really can't afford it. I'm thinking of dropping my gym membership, paying the fee, and then freeing that money up for therapy. I'm going to look into seeing if there is any other way I can get in therapy and work with my insurance, but until then I'm just completely lost.

This entire blog is all over the place and I wouldn't be surprised if I contradicted myself in it....but I just needed to get it out...and make an appointment with my PCP to get a referral. Either way, I need to get help before I lose ME completely.
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Replies

  • kimmerroze
    kimmerroze Posts: 1,330 Member
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    Awww girl! I am sorry to hear this!

    Its so true what they say about switching one habit for another, you aren't eating bad things now, but you are consumed with eating the right things.


    My only advice is to add fun back into it. and to remove the stress... don't worry about the number so much.. but who am I to say anything! Im not expert.


    I hope you find a solution.
  • Vanishing_Gordies
    Vanishing_Gordies Posts: 174
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    Alright - first, take a deep breath. What you're doing is HEALTHY. I understand you're post because I do the same thing. I obsess over it, but here's what I tell myself - One day, I will be able to NOT obsess. When I figure out this whole healthy eating and portion control, I won't have to log on constantly and look up stuff and obsess over what I can/can't eat. Please, please don't cancel your gym membership. Going to the gym IS therapy! A good kickboxing routine and steam (sometimes followed by a crying jag) never hurt anybody. It only makes you stronger.
  • 1113cw
    1113cw Posts: 830 Member
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    Oh my goodness.. I'm so sorry.. it will be ok!
    I was just thinking this the other day.. how I've become completely obsessed with calories, eating, working out.. the whole thing. It's frustrating and sometimes exhausting, both physically and mentally. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal so this is all I know. But I realize I need to temper and balance my desire to be healthier and fit with everyday life and the world around me. It is so hard, I know. If you think you would benefit from therapy, go for it. Many doctors offer a sliding scale fee type of deal so I'm willing to be you can do that without sacrificing your gym membership.

    I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. Hang in there, it will get better, this too shall pass!

    ((HUGS))
  • toni1011
    toni1011 Posts: 13 Member
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    Does your employer have an employee assistance plan? Alot of them do now a days, you can go to a counciler for little or no cost!
  • AnaNotBanana
    AnaNotBanana Posts: 963 Member
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    Your name says it all!! Don't give up!!! Admitting that you have a problem is the most important and sometimes most difficult step. If you feel that therapy will help you, then you should do everything you can to get into see a therapist.

    I wish I had something more helpful to say. Good luck!
  • atucker0821
    atucker0821 Posts: 106 Member
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    it's not just you...i promise...i suffer from the exact same issues...maybe we should just therapy each other. i obsess...eat too little...eat too much...stay online all day looking up stuff...not sure if i'm doing it right...think about food i should eat...can't eat...want to eat and then cry because i let myself get this far gone...

    we will win this battle with our bodies!!

    keep your head up!
  • Chedd
    Chedd Posts: 2
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    Sounds to me like you are being really hard on yourself. Dont we all do this though? But what struck me the most in what you wrote was this one sentence. And to me, this could be what is the root of what you are going through... "That I shouldn't have kids until I lose a significant amount of weight."
  • irishgal44
    irishgal44 Posts: 1,181 Member
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    ((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you feel this way.
    First off, I love sarcasm. I'm good at it...and my husband grew up in a home where it was non existant. He asked me to downplay it a few years ago and it felt like it was just not me...so my thoughts- it's who you are, and if as long as you're not insulting people or hurting their feelings and they know you're all in fun, then be yourself for gosh sake. :grumble: That's like asking someone not to be so chipper happy. Or like my daughter who is now wearing what all kids are at school cause a little girl made fun of her for wearing jeans under her skirts. No, don't be a conformist...be yourself and poo on the others. :flowerforyou:

    As for the food addiction and calorie counting, I can understand. And when you get that mind set, it's very hard to get out of it. Could your boss be a bit jealous? Or just a good, concerned friend? Either way, if you feel there are issues, just from my personal history of food, etc, I do not suggest taking a break. Cause you will gain back what you lost and then have more issues or different ones than you do now when it comes to food. Either way, you should maybe talk to someone about it but keep on tracking and being conscious of your decisions.

    What kind of exercise do you do? I run...used to hate it, but found it to be very therapeutic. It seems like I can eat a lot more when I run and I have a good frame of mind afterwards. Like I can conquer it all! And I have dealt with some real big stressors in my life but as soon as I started running I felt like a whole new person and really quit obsessing about food as much.

    I hope you feel better soon and know you have support here if you need it. Tomorrow will be a new day. Know who you are, embrace that, and move forward. As long as you can define yourself and be confident in that, you can do anything your heart desires!
  • teacher4380
    teacher4380 Posts: 25
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    You may want to check with your Employee Assistance Program through your job. They should have some sort of system in place for you to call and talk to people (for free). These programs usually have all sorts of assistance that they can help you with concerns over depression/anxiety/stree, relationships, parenting, legal, financial, substance abuse/issues, grief/loss, credit problems/concerns, dealing with change, workplace challenges, etc. They could also provide resources/referrals for child care, elder care, financial issues, legal issues, pet care, identity theft, educational opportunities, and a whole lot of personal services (reservations, car repairs, cleaning, entertainment, etc.) I took this from the flyer that I have from my job. I know of people who have called about their eating habits/frustrations and have found it very helpful (and confidential!!!) Good luck and keep your head about you!!!
  • lloydrt
    lloydrt Posts: 1,121 Member
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    Hun, trust me, been there done that......

    see , and I m not pointing the finger at anyone on this site, but when you lose weight, sure youre gonna look hot in that wedding dress, or that swimming suit that you can barely stretch on today, but not this summer...........Your goal is to look great, FEEL GREAT, and most , most , most importantly, youre doing it for your bodys sake. Do this weight loss for the sake of your body .....Do it for

    your kidneys, that wont go into renal failure because of an increase in liver functions because of belly fat
    your blood sugars wont be high or spike , causing an onset of Diabetes, or yet, the newest kind.......the insulin tolerant diabetes
    your heart, so it wont have so much fluid around it, that it may beat in a healthy way
    your gall bladder, that you wont form calcuim deposits/stones and wont have to have your gall bladder taken out
    your lungs, that they wont be stressed because of the fat that you are carrying around daily
    your joints and knees, so that you wont have to have a knee/hip replacement, and cost you an arm and a leg

    See, Id tell your boss not to worry, that you are only concerned about your health and a quality of life......If they think you talk too much about it, well, think of how much your heart, lungs, kidneys, gall bladder love you and how much better you are feeling physically and mentally...
    for me, nothing, and I repeat NOTHING means more to me since losing 121 lbs, nothing and that means my boss;s comments.........

    I just wonder if maybe, just maybe, shes a little green with envy

    stay focused, do it for your body...........Best wishes........... Llloyd
  • sweetheart03622
    sweetheart03622 Posts: 928 Member
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    You will figure it all out. Right now, you're making a HUGE change in yourself, so it's natural to want to learn as much as you can about it. Once you are well educated, you will be better equiped to make good decisions in the future. That being said,a therapist can work wonders. Let them know from the start that cost is an option. Sometimes something as simple as once a month can help tons. They can give you homework and you can track your progress with them on a monthly basis. If you cancel your membership try to ensure that you have other ways of working out. It's a great stress reliever and you will start to appreciate what your body is capable of. Best of luck, we're all here for you!
  • autumn13
    autumn13 Posts: 295
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    U have full control of u.I hear u loud and clear.....U know u have a problem, the changes u want to make....now u just have to get organized and put in all into to motion.This friend-boss.....Not the kind of person I would share this process with.She has no clue.I fight everyday with choices.Find people on here for support and close people around u that are happy to see u happy.

    Here are some websites other have shared with me I use these all the time
    http://www.healthstatus.com/calculators.html
    http://www.calorieking.com/
    http://www.braydenwm.com/calburn.htm

    Hope we can help each other....
  • Valtishia
    Valtishia Posts: 811 Member
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    Most of us are here because we need help. Don't feel bad about that. We are looking up foods, logging and some even planning out days before they happened. I would think that is setting yourself up for success. From what I can tell you are pretty new at this and educating yourself. You can't learn how to do it if you don't educate yourself.

    It takes some time but eventually it will consume less of your thoughts and time, but if you feel like it really is a problem then by all means go talk to someone, however I think what you are going through is something many of us do in the beginning. Eventually it does come more naturally.

    In the beginning I would not put anything in my mouth unless I had logged it. I would take an hour in the grocery store cause I was reading labels. I had my husband saving labels when he cooked dinner so I could log it and would know exactly what I was eating. And now, I still read labels but it comes more naturally taking less time. I also know what it is alot of the foods already and have a better idea of what I am getting to not have to worry as much.

    Good luck in your journey :)
  • nicgo5
    nicgo5 Posts: 8
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    Please don't give up. Take this as constructive criticism. It doesn't sound like she is trying to hurt you, but sometimes it takes someone with a view from the outside telling you what you cannot see about yourself.

    Counting calories is an obsession that is helping you to be a better you. Maybe set aside a couple of minutes throughout the day for each meal and then you can focus on other things.

    I would cancel the gym and go to therapy. I exercise more if I don't go to the gym. I walk with friends, dance, workout videos. I have those stretchy resistance bands for weight training. I have been to therapy and it has helped me learn how to rearrange my thoughts and put a realistic and positive spin on things.

    "Jane" hurt my feelings, but if "Jane" hadn't told me that I was seen by others as a negative person, I would never have known. The next step is coming up with a plan to speak less negative.

    I am very sarcastic and some people cannot detect sarcasm. I have had to apologize to many people for hurting their feelings. I limit my sarcasm to people who I know will appreciate it.

    Friend me and vent all you want. It helps. You probably felt a little better after you wrote this. ?
  • writtenINthestars
    writtenINthestars Posts: 1,933 Member
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    BTW....I do have some EAP benefits...but they only send you to 3 therapy sessions for free so I am going to look into atleast getting started.

    I will say though, the therapy is more of something I should be in because of my past and growing up and I have a lot of emotional things to work though, and more importantly...learn to let go. I don't eat because I'm hungry or because I want something...I eat because it's the only thing I feel I have control in. Surprisingly, I do know a lot of what I need to do to lose weight...I just can't seem to get out of my own damn way sometimes!

    Anyhoot, thanks for your responses...it was good to read some positive thoughts and be reminded that I'm not the only one struggling with this.

    :heart:
  • writtenINthestars
    writtenINthestars Posts: 1,933 Member
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    Sounds to me like you are being really hard on yourself. Dont we all do this though? But what struck me the most in what you wrote was this one sentence. And to me, this could be what is the root of what you are going through... "That I shouldn't have kids until I lose a significant amount of weight."

    I can't even begin to tell you how much guilt I carry every day regarding having kids.... My husband has never said anything though he knows it worries me...and we weren't ready financially to start a family until recently.
  • BrianJLamb
    BrianJLamb Posts: 239 Member
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    I don't think you need therapy. You are doing the right thing. People tend to criticize that which they dont understand. We experience it as children and we tend to forget it as we get older. You are obsessing about food. The journaling, concentrating on eating healthy, the focus on you, it all shows an obsession. I have the same issue, but the obsession, if you can focus it makes you more equipped to do what needs to be done.

    My internal mechanisms have me looking for comfort in food, deriving pleasure in its preparation and consumption, watching tv based on it, etc. Unchecked, that compulsion has me gaining 40 lbs, going from 155 to 195 inside 8 months to a year. Checked, however, that compulsion has me learning new recipes, focusing on healthy foods, recognizing what foods make me happy and what foods make me sad, and building a healthy lifestyle based on an obsession. Granted, extremism is sometime unhealthy, but if you are going to use it to craft a healthy lifestyle, one in which you can supersede expectation, than you are a winner.

    Focusing on it, charting your progress, moving in the right circles, being fanatic, will help you to maintain a support structure to permit success. Nobody criticizes a sales guy who attends seminars to be a better salesperson. People don't stigmatize a doctor for loving medicine. You should recognize that your desire and drive to be healthy are a gift, not a burden.

    I just got a Polar F7 HRM. A coworker criticized that I am to bent on this whole 'health kick.' She can keep talking her **** as I drop weight and get healthy and she sits on her lazy *kitten* eating 100 calorie snack packs of cheezits and oreos. I will talk to coworkers about healthy recipes Ive made and workouts that Ive accomplished and she will give an eye roll or a sigh...and then my brain goes back to the idea. People will criticize and try to bring you down. If your boss isnt healthy or trying to be healthy, then she doesnt understand...and maybe she is jealous....or feels guilty...maybe what she is really saying is...I wish I was healthier too, but I dont know how to get there or what it entails.

    Sorry for rambling. I think that a good percentage of us have some type of 'disorder.' Being passionate shouldn't be considered so. Good luck.
  • joan_herzfeldt
    joan_herzfeldt Posts: 11 Member
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    As far as children go, give yourself a break. I know society implies "kids before thirty", but in reality you have a lot more patience as you get older. You Have Time! Talk to your husband about giving yourself a year or two before having children. Take some of the pressure and guilt off yourself by talking about it with him. I had my daughter at 34 and I was worried about being to old then, well I'm in my 40's now and want to have another. So relax, keep working out, and you'll do it. You're worth it.
  • 1113cw
    1113cw Posts: 830 Member
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    I don't think you need therapy. You are doing the right thing. People tend to criticize that which they dont understand. We experience it as children and we tend to forget it as we get older. You are obsessing about food. The journaling, concentrating on eating healthy, the focus on you, it all shows an obsession. I have the same issue, but the obsession, if you can focus it makes you more equipped to do what needs to be done.

    My internal mechanisms have me looking for comfort in food, deriving pleasure in its preparation and consumption, watching tv based on it, etc. Unchecked, that compulsion has me gaining 40 lbs, going from 155 to 195 inside 8 months to a year. Checked, however, that compulsion has me learning new recipes, focusing on healthy foods, recognizing what foods make me happy and what foods make me sad, and building a healthy lifestyle based on an obsession. Granted, extremism is sometime unhealthy, but if you are going to use it to craft a healthy lifestyle, one in which you can supersede expectation, than you are a winner.

    Focusing on it, charting your progress, moving in the right circles, being fanatic, will help you to maintain a support structure to permit success. Nobody criticizes a sales guy who attends seminars to be a better salesperson. People don't stigmatize a doctor for loving medicine. You should recognize that your desire and drive to be healthy are a gift, not a burden.

    I just got a Polar F7 HRM. A coworker criticized that I am to bent on this whole 'health kick.' She can keep talking her **** as I drop weight and get healthy and she sits on her lazy *kitten* eating 100 calorie snack packs of cheezits and oreos. I will talk to coworkers about healthy recipes Ive made and workouts that Ive accomplished and she will give an eye roll or a sigh...and then my brain goes back to the idea. People will criticize and try to bring you down. If your boss isnt healthy or trying to be healthy, then she doesnt understand...and maybe she is jealous....or feels guilty...maybe what she is really saying is...I wish I was healthier too, but I dont know how to get there or what it entails.

    Sorry for rambling. I think that a good percentage of us have some type of 'disorder.' Being passionate shouldn't be considered so. Good luck.

    Couldn't have said it any better myself!!
  • joan_herzfeldt
    joan_herzfeldt Posts: 11 Member
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    Well said BrianJLamb!

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