Marriage Rut

memaw66 · September 2008

How do you get out of a marriage rut?? My husband and I have been married for 16 years and I love him dearly but lately it just seems like we are in a serious rut and I don't know what to do about it.
It seems like, no it's true, all we do together is eat and sleep and we don't eat healthy at that!!!!
He stays with his mom during the week to cut down on the cost of gas because he works an hour away from home but only 5 mins from his mom's house. So we talk on the phone once a day for maybe 5 minutes. Then on the weekend when he is home, we don't carry on a conversation. It might be a sentence here and there but that's it. And you can forget about intimacy, there's even less of that! When I mentioned this to him yesterday he got upset and asked me what I was trying to get at. I told him I was just making an observation and statement and he said he didn't like that statement. But he doesn't have any suggestions to make it any better. So I cried myself to sleep last night.
Anyone have any suggestions????? Please help.

Thanks for letting me vent!
Memaw

memaw66 · September 2008

How do you get out of a marriage rut?? My husband and I have been married for 16 years and I love him dearly but lately it just seems like we are in a serious rut and I don't know what to do about it.
It seems like, no it's true, all we do together is eat and sleep and we don't eat healthy at that!!!!
He stays with his mom during the week to cut down on the cost of gas because he works an hour away from home but only 5 mins from his mom's house. So we talk on the phone once a day for maybe 5 minutes. Then on the weekend when he is home, we don't carry on a conversation. It might be a sentence here and there but that's it. And you can forget about intimacy, there's even less of that! When I mentioned this to him yesterday he got upset and asked me what I was trying to get at. I told him I was just making an observation and statement and he said he didn't like that statement. But he doesn't have any suggestions to make it any better. So I cried myself to sleep last night.
Anyone have any suggestions????? Please help.

Thanks for letting me vent!
Memaw

kimber607 · September 2008

Hi

((HUGS))
It's tough....and I've 'only' been married 9 years
You get in a rut and you are so exhausted, tired and stressed from kids, work, money etc
I know saving gas is important but I think you guys need to connect more and him being away monday-friday is not a good idea
TRY and forget about what's going on now (easy to hold a grudge, feel sad/sensitive, when he doesn't treat you how you want to be treated)
Instead of walking to him about it (which doesn't always work best for guys) focus on how you want to be treated and how you want your relationship to be...start doing nice things for him and planning a date night or alone/quality time in the house together....hopefully he will reciprocate (well at least that's the plan)

Kim

jojo52610 · September 2008

I went through the same thing - we spoke but only about the kids sports -nothing about us we ate we were together but really not together -

so now we go to lunch once in a while together - I'll say hey wanna go for a walk - you have to re-connect emotionaly and then the intimacy peice will improve on it's own

ericarey85 · September 2008

there is a movie that just came out in theaters called Fireproof, i recommend all couples to go and watch it together, then go to walmart and buy the book called The Love Dare, its like $8. it really is a Love Dare, its a 40 day guide on improving your relationship, it is a christian based book though, but if you are not christian, its okay just ignore the bottom of the pages where it gives bible passages for you to read out of your bible. it is a really good book, Fireproof is actually based on the book.

fatgottago · September 2008

I am by no means one to give advice, my marriage is on the rocks so bad, but I am working on it and I will tell you about it later...

First off, he must stop staying at his Mom's, just to save gas. If you want your marriage to work, then spend the money on gas, if he is not home then you will get used to being alone and it will continue to drift apart.

Second, GO WATCH FIREPROOF!!!! I went Saturday and was crying the entire movie!!!! It will change your life, it did mind. I bought the book Love Dare and I am currently doing it on my husband (he does not know) I hope it will change our marriage. www.fireproofthemovie.com

I don't know if I helped or not, but it takes two to make it work, if you are the one giving and he is not then you must start COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!\

I hope it gets better :flowerforyou:

tanzmamma · September 2008

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*!

But that's just what I'd do LMAO!

I hope things get better for you!

johnsscarlett · September 2008

I'm kind of in a similar situation in as far as my husbands' job is in another city and he is gone from M-F. We have been married for over 36 years and most of our marriage has been like this with him traveling for work. We talk to each other once a day for just a few minute too. My problem is I get used to not having to fix dinner and when he comes home on the weekend I really don't feel like cooking. I'd like to go out to eat but he has been eating out all week and the last thing he wants to do is go out but we do at least one of the days he is home. I have to admit though he kind of spoils me. We really enjoy watching movies or tv shows together. Since we don't have the same taste if we find something we both like I call it a date night! Friday night he watched "P.S I love you" with me. He actually liked it.

Marriage is hard work! :grumble: I always like to say the first 12 years were the hardest. :drinker: My advice would be to just communicate. I have found that this is at the top of my list of importance in a marriage. It is huge. Also life comes in cycles and this to shall pass. Good luck!

gmpearse · September 2008

Going on 13 years and can appreciate whats going on. My suggestion would be to have him drive the hour at least half the week so he can be home with you the majority of the time. Maybe trade in your vehicle for a fuel efficient one. Ask him on a date. Money is a big issue in any marriage. Try having a picinic on the living room floor with candles and cheesy music. Speaking from personal experience having gone through a very familiar rut recently myself, my hubby was so stressed about finances that he couldn't think about anything else. I cried, I yelled, I threatened, I blamed myself, and I blamed him. In the end I emailed him. I asked him if his friend complained that he had a wife who wouldn't talk to him or have sex with him what advice would he give that friend. What advice would he give me. It no longer was about me complaining that he wasn't doing one more thing right it became about me, his friend, wanting to talk to him again. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Anna_Banana · September 2008

You need to make sure you guys plan time for yourself, No Kids. Also during the week you could send him a "suggestive" love note telling him what you would like to have done or would like to do to him, then on the weekend make sure to set up some time to do that. It could be some thing as simple as a back rub. You could also plan some special meals for when he is home.

I've been married for 15 years and we try to work on our marriage first and then the kids come second, because if all you worry about is the kids, when they are gone you won't have a marriage left.

memaw66 · September 2008

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

memaw66 · September 2008

Our kids are grown, so no need to find a sitter. I like sitting outside listening to the birds and watching the deer in our yard, he likes sitting in front of the t.v. with a bag a chips! We just don't seem to have anything in common any more and I am really really sad about it. I know he loves me but I just don't feel like he is IN LOVE any more. I feel like I am more like a comfy pair of shoes, just to be worn around the house and no where else because I'm not all bright and shiny! Does that make sense?

Memaw

yoginimary · September 2008

You know how we all have our "goals"? Working out 6x a week, breakfast every day, etc? One of our goals is 30 minutes of "couch time" every night. We spend 30 minutes on the couch together each night, just talking. We also eat dinner together - with no other distractions.
While, I don't presume to know anything about your private life - the bedroom should be used for only two things - sleeping and sex. If you have a tv. in there, get rid of it.
My 2 cents worth.

memaw66 · September 2008

You know how we all have our "goals"? Working out 6x a week, breakfast every day, etc? One of our goals is 30 minutes of "couch time" every night. We spend 30 minutes on the couch together each night, just talking. We also eat dinner together - with no other distractions.
While, I don't presume to know anything about your private life - the bedroom should be used for only two things - sleeping and sex. If you have a tv. in there, get rid of it.
My 2 cents worth.

We do have a tv in the bedroom but it's only turned on during the week when he is gone. Trust me, our bed is only used for one thing, SLEEPING! That's all we do together, eat and sleep!

ericarey85 · September 2008

I am TELLING you WATCH Fireproof. it will HELP then buy the book called the Love Dare and do it on him. :flowerforyou:

ericarey85 · September 2008

Second, GO WATCH FIREPROOF!!!! I went Saturday and was crying the entire movie!!!! It will change your life, it did mind. I bought the book Love Dare and I am currently doing it on my husband (he does not know) I hope it will change our marriage. www.fireproofthemovie.com

what day are you on

:flowerforyou:

JennyBanker · September 2008

Have you looked into moving closer to his job? You both have to reconnect. Find someone to watch the kids and maybe surprise him at his moms and take him out for dinner, even if it is wendys. lol Tell him how much you love him, how much you appriciate everything he does. Hug him, keep close and give him lot of kisses. My husband is oblivious to when we get into a rut and it takes me to get us put of it. Good luck!

memaw66 · September 2008

Have you looked into moving closer to his job? You both have to reconnect. Find someone to watch the kids and maybe surprise him at his moms and take him out for dinner, even if it is wendys. lol Tell him how much you love him, how much you appriciate everything he does. Hug him, keep close and give him lot of kisses. My husband is oblivious to when we get into a rut and it takes me to get us put of it. Good luck!

We just had our house built, moving is not an option. I am thinking of writing him a letter. That's usually the only way to get through to him because he hates it when I cry and I know I can't talk about this with him without the water works. I don't know if I should give him time and see if he tries to work on it since I have told him how I feel already.

eyescatchfire · September 2008

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. But I firmly believe that is all it is--a rough patch. Everybody goes through it, whether you've been married one year or fifty. I think that you do have to make each other a priority--what about, instead of spending 5 days a week at his mom, he spends 3--he stays home Monday and Friday? Still saves gas, but still has time to spend with you during the week as well.

I'm not sure of the situation when you brought up your feelings--was it tense already? I always bring up my problems at the wrong times, like when he's just worked a 12 hour day or whatever. Maybe ask him to come home ready to talk about the relationship--but make it clear that your marriage isn't in danger (that's what it sounded like to me, when he said "what are you getting at?") Tell him you love him so much, but the way you spend your time together isn't as fulfilling as it could be. I bet he'll be willing to try whatever you suggest to keep you happy.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

memaw66 · September 2008

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. But I firmly believe that is all it is--a rough patch. Everybody goes through it, whether you've been married one year or fifty. I think that you do have to make each other a priority--what about, instead of spending 5 days a week at his mom, he spends 3--he stays home Monday and Friday? Still saves gas, but still has time to spend with you during the week as well.

I'm not sure of the situation when you brought up your feelings--was it tense already? I always bring up my problems at the wrong times, like when he's just worked a 12 hour day or whatever. Maybe ask him to come home ready to talk about the relationship--but make it clear that your marriage isn't in danger (that's what it sounded like to me, when he said "what are you getting at?") Tell him you love him so much, but the way you spend your time together isn't as fulfilling as it could be. I bet he'll be willing to try whatever you suggest to keep you happy.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

I brought it up when we were out eating AGAIN. I saw all the couples there just talking away and we were sitting in silence. I said "You know, all we do together is Eat and Sleep and we never talk any more" I don't know of a "right" time to bring it up.

dothompson · September 2008

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

This is very serious.

Honestly, the last thing men want to do is talk about these things, and that's often why it takes so long to improve things because that's what women want, but if he's got a wall built against ummmmm then there is a problem and you need to find out what it is. He's mad, has his feelings hurt, is depressed or something and if you're truly honest maybe you already know what it is,??? If not you're going to have to play Nancy Drew girl detective and find out what's bugging him.

This weekend try to take as much pressure off the two of you as possible. Try to get as many chores out of the way as possible this week. Don't attack him with whatever problems are going on as soon as he gets home. Try to plan some relaxing fun time, that he will enjoy. Make sure you're touching. Sleep close, sit next to him on the couch, grab his hand when you're walking, kiss before either of you leave the house, soon you'll be doing other close touching. Give him 3 sincere complements every day.

Don't set your expectations too high, this didn't get messed up overnight and it won't get fixed overnight either.

memaw66 · September 2008

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

This is very serious.

Honestly, the last thing men want to do is talk about these things, and that's often why it takes so long to improve things because that's what women want, but if he's got a wall built against ummmmm then there is a problem and you need to find out what it is. He's mad, has his feelings hurt, is depressed or something and if you're truly honest maybe you already know what it is,??? If not you're going to have to play Nancy Drew girl detective and find out what's bugging him.

There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

LuvinLife · September 2008

I don't know if you are christian or not and it really doesn't matter, but there is an AWESOME marriage conference that my husband and I attended last year. It's called "A Weekend to Remember" and it's put on by Family Life, a christian organization. My husband and I were in a rut like yours and this conference really helped us connect and learn more about each other. I just looked and they have conferences in San Antonio coming up really soon. It does cost a little chunk which I understand is hard to come up with, but it is a wonderful investment in your marriage. There are also conferences in Texas in the spring that you might be able to save up for. We learned so much and we got excited about our marriage and each other again. I can't say enough good things about it. Several couples from my church went and they all really enjoyed it too.

The website for the list of conferences in Texas is:
http://store.familylife.com/conferences/wtr_conferencelist.asp?txt_zip=&mnu_state=Texas&btn_state=Submit&mnu_season=

I also believe that it is not good for your hubby to be gone all week and only home on the weekends. Is there a way to reconsider that set-up?

Good luck, and you'll be in my prayers.

ohthatbambi · September 2008

Hi

((HUGS))
It's tough....and I've 'only' been married 9 years
You get in a rut and you are so exhausted, tired and stressed from kids, work, money etc
I know saving gas is important but I think you guys need to connect more and him being away monday-friday is not a good idea
TRY and forget about what's going on now (easy to hold a grudge, feel sad/sensitive, when he doesn't treat you how you want to be treated)
Instead of walking to him about it (which doesn't always work best for guys) focus on how you want to be treated and how you want your relationship to be...start doing nice things for him and planning a date night or alone/quality time in the house together....hopefully he will reciprocate (well at least that's the plan)

Kim

I am with Kim on this...long distance, even though only an hour away can really put stress on a relationship. Plan a date night for this weekend and surprise him....kind of like you are courting him again. Maybe he will get into it and return the favor to you!

Lyn_Matthews · September 2008

I'm not going to claim I know all since my fiancee and I have only been together for 2 years, but with a new baby in the house we have also been going thru a rut. I've done a lot of reading to try and figure out how to pull us out. In reading your post I would suggest that you first work on your communication. 5 minutes a day is all you talk to him??? When my man and I are only taking 5 minutes a day we know there is a problem. When our communication fails, everything else in our relationship starts to fail. I also think you need to start doing things out of the ordinary. Could you drive up to his moms on a Wednesday night or sometime during the week and take him out on a date? Or make a candlelight dinner for Friday night when he gets home? Do you share any hobbies or interests? Even if you don't, spending time with him is more important. But in the end, you can't be the only one making the effort. If he isn't willing to put in some work, then it will just make things worse. Best of luck to you. I hope you can work thru this and reconnect with your hubby on several levels.

dothompson · September 2008

[/quote]

There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

[/quote]
[/quote]

Ultimately, you both want the same thing, so you need to ensure that this doesn't turn into a power struggle which you will both lose. Since you are the one asking the question my advise is to figure out how to give him what he wants. This is the way to acheive your goal. It's much better to be happy than right. Your generosity will be rewarded.

Your relationship needs to come first right now, before the kids and household maintenence and .... The best gift you can give your children is happily married parents, and who needs a well maintained house if you don't have harmony at home.

memaw66 · September 2008

There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

[/quote]
[/quote]

Ultimately, you both want the same thing, so you need to ensure that this doesn't turn into a power struggle which you will both lose. Since you are the one asking the question my advise is to figure out how to give him what he wants. This is the way to acheive your goal. It's much better to be happy than right. Your generosity will be rewarded.

I ALWAYS give him what he wants but when it's my turn, IT doesn't want to work. He says it's not me, tt's him but it really makes you question how he feels about you. I don't handle rejection well and this is why I don't usually try to initiate anything. He always says if I would try we would do more. But when I try this is what I get.??? I never complain about it or complain about giving him what he wants. There used to be a time when he made sure all my needs were met and now it just seems like he doesn't care, like his needs are the only ones that are important. I just don't know any more.

[/quote]

dothompson · September 2008

You know if you married an unreasonalble, selfish man or not. If you did, then you've made your bed. If you didn't then he's angry or depressed and you need to figure out what's bugging him.

memaw66 · September 2008

You know if you married an unreasonalble, selfish man or not. If you did, then you've made your bed. If you didn't then he's angry or depressed and you need to figure out what's bugging him.

He has always been the least selfish person that I know. That was one of the things I fell in love with about him. We did talk a little and he didn't see a problem, but he seems to be trying harder. So thanks guys!!!:flowerforyou:

Ang8178 · October 2008

I've only been married 5 years, so maybe I don't have the best advice, but here it is... I would wait untill the kiddo's are fast asleep and tell him "we really need to talk!" Grab a snack and some drinks and sit down somewhere it's just you two. NO tv, NO phone, No distractions! Just tell him how you feel. Doing this in a public place is always a bad idea and try not to use words like "I hate it when you" or "you've been doing XYZ", that will only make him feel attacked. He should at least listen to you. THEN you should both come up with little things to do together, maybe write dates on a calendar. That will make it a priority.

I'm sooo sorry you are going through a hard time. BUT there has to be some really great things in your marriage for it to last this long. Being away all week is probably taking its toll on all of you as a family. Hope you feel better soon ((hugs))

Marriage Rut

Replies

Categories