Marriage Rut

memaw66 · September 2008

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

This is very serious.

Honestly, the last thing men want to do is talk about these things, and that's often why it takes so long to improve things because that's what women want, but if he's got a wall built against ummmmm then there is a problem and you need to find out what it is. He's mad, has his feelings hurt, is depressed or something and if you're truly honest maybe you already know what it is,??? If not you're going to have to play Nancy Drew girl detective and find out what's bugging him.

There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

LuvinLife · September 2008

I don't know if you are christian or not and it really doesn't matter, but there is an AWESOME marriage conference that my husband and I attended last year. It's called "A Weekend to Remember" and it's put on by Family Life, a christian organization. My husband and I were in a rut like yours and this conference really helped us connect and learn more about each other. I just looked and they have conferences in San Antonio coming up really soon. It does cost a little chunk which I understand is hard to come up with, but it is a wonderful investment in your marriage. There are also conferences in Texas in the spring that you might be able to save up for. We learned so much and we got excited about our marriage and each other again. I can't say enough good things about it. Several couples from my church went and they all really enjoyed it too.

The website for the list of conferences in Texas is:
http://store.familylife.com/conferences/wtr_conferencelist.asp?txt_zip=&mnu_state=Texas&btn_state=Submit&mnu_season=

I also believe that it is not good for your hubby to be gone all week and only home on the weekends. Is there a way to reconsider that set-up?

Good luck, and you'll be in my prayers.

ohthatbambi · September 2008

Hi

((HUGS))
It's tough....and I've 'only' been married 9 years
You get in a rut and you are so exhausted, tired and stressed from kids, work, money etc
I know saving gas is important but I think you guys need to connect more and him being away monday-friday is not a good idea
TRY and forget about what's going on now (easy to hold a grudge, feel sad/sensitive, when he doesn't treat you how you want to be treated)
Instead of walking to him about it (which doesn't always work best for guys) focus on how you want to be treated and how you want your relationship to be...start doing nice things for him and planning a date night or alone/quality time in the house together....hopefully he will reciprocate (well at least that's the plan)

Kim

I am with Kim on this...long distance, even though only an hour away can really put stress on a relationship. Plan a date night for this weekend and surprise him....kind of like you are courting him again. Maybe he will get into it and return the favor to you!

Lyn_Matthews · September 2008

I'm not going to claim I know all since my fiancee and I have only been together for 2 years, but with a new baby in the house we have also been going thru a rut. I've done a lot of reading to try and figure out how to pull us out. In reading your post I would suggest that you first work on your communication. 5 minutes a day is all you talk to him??? When my man and I are only taking 5 minutes a day we know there is a problem. When our communication fails, everything else in our relationship starts to fail. I also think you need to start doing things out of the ordinary. Could you drive up to his moms on a Wednesday night or sometime during the week and take him out on a date? Or make a candlelight dinner for Friday night when he gets home? Do you share any hobbies or interests? Even if you don't, spending time with him is more important. But in the end, you can't be the only one making the effort. If he isn't willing to put in some work, then it will just make things worse. Best of luck to you. I hope you can work thru this and reconnect with your hubby on several levels.

dothompson · September 2008

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There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

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Ultimately, you both want the same thing, so you need to ensure that this doesn't turn into a power struggle which you will both lose. Since you are the one asking the question my advise is to figure out how to give him what he wants. This is the way to acheive your goal. It's much better to be happy than right. Your generosity will be rewarded.

Your relationship needs to come first right now, before the kids and household maintenence and .... The best gift you can give your children is happily married parents, and who needs a well maintained house if you don't have harmony at home.

memaw66 · September 2008

There is only a problem when I want ummmmmmmm, but when he wants it, it's a different story. And he only seems to want it when I can't.

[/quote]
[/quote]

Ultimately, you both want the same thing, so you need to ensure that this doesn't turn into a power struggle which you will both lose. Since you are the one asking the question my advise is to figure out how to give him what he wants. This is the way to acheive your goal. It's much better to be happy than right. Your generosity will be rewarded.

I ALWAYS give him what he wants but when it's my turn, IT doesn't want to work. He says it's not me, tt's him but it really makes you question how he feels about you. I don't handle rejection well and this is why I don't usually try to initiate anything. He always says if I would try we would do more. But when I try this is what I get.??? I never complain about it or complain about giving him what he wants. There used to be a time when he made sure all my needs were met and now it just seems like he doesn't care, like his needs are the only ones that are important. I just don't know any more.

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dothompson · September 2008

You know if you married an unreasonalble, selfish man or not. If you did, then you've made your bed. If you didn't then he's angry or depressed and you need to figure out what's bugging him.

memaw66 · September 2008

You know if you married an unreasonalble, selfish man or not. If you did, then you've made your bed. If you didn't then he's angry or depressed and you need to figure out what's bugging him.

He has always been the least selfish person that I know. That was one of the things I fell in love with about him. We did talk a little and he didn't see a problem, but he seems to be trying harder. So thanks guys!!!:flowerforyou:

Ang8178 · October 2008

I've only been married 5 years, so maybe I don't have the best advice, but here it is... I would wait untill the kiddo's are fast asleep and tell him "we really need to talk!" Grab a snack and some drinks and sit down somewhere it's just you two. NO tv, NO phone, No distractions! Just tell him how you feel. Doing this in a public place is always a bad idea and try not to use words like "I hate it when you" or "you've been doing XYZ", that will only make him feel attacked. He should at least listen to you. THEN you should both come up with little things to do together, maybe write dates on a calendar. That will make it a priority.

I'm sooo sorry you are going through a hard time. BUT there has to be some really great things in your marriage for it to last this long. Being away all week is probably taking its toll on all of you as a family. Hope you feel better soon ((hugs))

Marriage Rut

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