Friend Betrayal

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Replies

  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
    I would quietly put her out of your life. If she has to post things about you on the internet instead of speaking to you, then she is obviously extremely immature and a confrontation probably wouldn't do much good. She may be trying to create drama and it's best not to give in to it. It is ok to just eliminate toxic people from your life.
  • Amber_2005
    Amber_2005 Posts: 28 Member
    I would confront her! What do you have to lose? Who cares if she knows you were looking at that particular social network? You have every right to look at it. I hope she is just a trouble maker and doesn't know squat about your other friends.
  • lmvince
    lmvince Posts: 54 Member
    Someone is always going to talk about you behind your back. I'm sure at some point you can remember talking behind a friends back even though you really care for them and value their friendship. People are opinionated right or wrong. One thing I've learned is to feel whatever emotion you get from something then let it go. You're angry and you should be. Anyone would be angry after reading something like that. So feel angry and then let it go. The only thing you can control is how much control you give the things you can't control. You can't keep her from bad mouthing you but you can control how you react. I like to think that the people who matter in my life won't believe vicious things other people may say behind my back.

    That's good advice! I should really apply it to my own life. I tend to hold on to things longer than necessary, thus giving it control over me.
  • UmbraForzare
    UmbraForzare Posts: 137
    Take a day to calm down a little bit because if you try and talk to this person about it now, you'll most likely freak out and then the discussion will become overly emotional - this will end up giving her more ammunition to slate you with.

    Now, what I've done in the past with situations like this is write down EVERYTHING you want to say before you even think about talking to the other person face to face.
    Write it down, read it back, cross out anything that seems like it's accusatory, defensive, attacking or over emotional and re-write until you're happy it sounds civil, open and honest.
    Make sure you print out what you've seen so that you have it as proof, that is definitely at must.

    Then you ask this person if you can talk.
    You sit them down, ask them calmly if there is anything they need to tell you or talk to you about.
    If they say "no", then you bring out the printed copy of what she's said online and let her flounder for whatever excuses she's going to use.
    Then you tell her that you found it offensive, defamatory and childish and that for her to have denied there being anything she wanted to tell you to your face is ridiculous and that you're much better off without someone like her in your life.
    You then say that if you find any more posts like that on a public domain that you will report them and/or her for harassing you (yes it's extreme but she deserves a bit of a shock to be honest) and then you stand up, smile sweetly and tell her to have a nice life.
    Then you walk away and do NOT look back.
  • Joyjmb
    Joyjmb Posts: 221 Member
    First off I want to say thank you to everyone who responded (so quickly!)
    There is lots of good advice in there - I will take the day to calm down and make a decision tomorrow.

    To clarify, she posted this on a social site ONLY SHE USES. Not a common one like Facebook or Twitter.
    Our friends are not on it. So she's having this conversation with her online cronies, not our friends.

    I posted it here in motivation because I simultaneously wanted to eat AND never eat again.
    Emotions can overwhelm and affect our eating.
    Thanks everyone.
  • patricac
    patricac Posts: 255 Member
    I know it hurts when a "friend" says something mean about you or makes up lies about you. Here's what I've learned... If someone is spreading lies about you and others believe it, then were they really your 'true" friends in the first place? It's so easy to get caught up in trying to prove someone lied and try to "right" what they did to you. Sometimes, the more you try to disprove something someone said about you - the more it looks like it's true. But also think about the energy you would need to put forth to do that. Is it really worth it? Trying to convince all your "friends" that she's a liar? She's the one making stuff up? Is all that drama really worth it? You can confront her, yes. But keep in mind what you want the "end" result from the confrontation to be. Do you want a fight? Do you want her to rescind what she said? Do you want to "work it out" and stay friends? Obviously, she posted this on a site and didn't make it private. It doesn't seem like she's trying to hide it... Is she worth any of that?

    Your real friends would stick by you and be there for you. Hey, if they were real friends - wouldn't they have told you about the post and gave you a heads up? You're better than this 'friend" that did this post. I personally don't think you should waste your time. You have to surround yourself with positive people in your life. You are better than this, you don't need this negativity. You also don't need to give this "friend" power by getting sucked into this drama she's created and letting it impact you.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    Found an online post (on a social network I do not use, but can see) from this week where a (I thought!) trusted friend just completely trashed me - my character, my social graces, my trustworthiness, my tact - and says all my other friends think it too and are slowly going to drop me one by one. I am shaking and upset, because I consider myself a caring person and people have said I am one of the best friends in the world. I want to call all my friends and say 'Is this true?' I've had several interactions with these friends recently and nothing seems to be wrong with our relationship, so she's probably talking out her butt, but what if they say things behind my back? I've deleted her number from my phone and want to just drop speaking to her altogether. However, two of the things she said are outright LIES and WRONG, but I can't confront her about them without revealing I saw her post. I am seriously freaking out here. Advice???

    You have every right to be upset!

    But make sure you aim that upset where it belongs-at the 'friend' who composed this rant and put it online. She can't speak, nor does she, for your other friends. She speaks only for herself.

    You could say something about the incident to this 'friend' when you're calmer, but there is a downside to that. A person like her will often react with more of the same- trashing you online, trashing you to other friends, etc. People like that escalate things, rather than admitting they've made a mistake and ending the behavior. You may feel better if you mention this incident to her, but expect more backbiting to ensue. Don't expect her to give you the resolution you seek. She obviously lives her life by a different rulebook and your hurt is not going to suddenly bring her around to using your rulebook.

    Usually, just gradually becoming unavailable to the person works better--you just gently phase yourself out of their lives. The sniping stops and life moves on.
  • jllipson
    jllipson Posts: 646
    I've known several people who have ended up divorced or breaking up because of what others say on social sites such as FB, or what they say to and about each other. Actually know a couple that had broken up, got back together since but during breakup he constantly bashed her on FB, she remained civil. Just last night, they both blasted the other on FB again - seriously, some people need to learn to keep personal stuff personal, likely a relationship that will end faster than it began.

    My question to you is this, do you want it to keep going, or close that chapter of your life? If you confront her you could potentially cause more issues for the both of you and a lot of putting all mutual friends on one side or another, and your entire group eventually falling apart. Or just cut her out of your life and move on. Gatherings where she may be, you will have to just go and ignore her or skip, no need to explain why to the other friends, just a simple, I've chosen not to be friends with her anymore. If you feel the need to tell why - make sure you 100% trust the other person to keep what you say confidential.

    Or on the flip side, confront her - and deal with the consequences - possibly more exaggerated bashings - or maybe she will be civil and you mutually part ways. The question is, how do you think she will respond? If you don't trust her - I would just ignore her and move on with your life - you obviously don't need her as a "friend" as she is not being one anyway.

    Good luck
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
    Threaten to sue her for libel. Lol.

    Anyway, I would copy or screen shot what she posted and email it to her, complete with an *kitten*-ripping.
  • LisaLN
    LisaLN Posts: 54

    I posted it here in motivation because I simultaneously wanted to eat AND never eat again.
    Emotions can overwhelm and affect our eating.
    Thanks everyone.

    So glad you pointed that out. I was thinking it...just didn't type it. I honestly would just let her come to you or wait until she contacts you. She's simply not worth anything more effort than that right now. It's so sad how people can crawl under our skins and fester. Making us feel like we're not worthy of respect.

    Big hug and all the best to you! You deserve it!
  • Wendybirduk
    Wendybirduk Posts: 92 Member
    This is an odd thing to post on a forum for a fitness website, but...
    People who post that sort of stuff on public networking sites are generally begging for the person they're aimed at to read it (although subconsciously). It was a stupid, selfish thing for her to do and a further violation of your trust to not talk to you first about whatever issues she had with you before broadcasting it to the world.
    It would make the most sense to just tell her that you'd seen the post, express that it genuinely hurt your feelings. I would seriously consider not bringing up the lies--if there's anything that will make someone exceedingly reactive, it's calling them a liar. Don't become confrontational--she'll get defensive. Just state the facts and leave before an argument starts.

    Hi Dragon

    Your advice is excellent but I just wanted to comment on your first line.

    The reason this is thread is posted here is my friend is upset about her friend's comments and along with many of us, being upset can cause a lot of eating habits to reappear or raise their ugly heads. This site is not a fitness site it is a Life Change site where we strive to change all the things in our lives that have caused us to have weight problems. People causing us unwanted upsets have no idea how much this can cause us to have a downwards spiral.

    Your advice was excellent and much appreciated. I just wanted to make clear that this site is not just for fitness or weight loss it is for support, motivation and encouragement.

    No harm, no foul lol xxx Wendy
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