venting: People who are trying to be 'helpful'

mielikkibz · March 2011

I need to vent before i blow up

When I started this journey back in Jan, someone I know kept pushing me to do the atkins diet. .I told her no, any diet that kept me from eating things I liked was a diet i would fail, she kept telling me how her diet was better, she'd lose faster, I was going to kill myself with the sugars and carbs, and it got nasty enough that another friend stepped in and said something.

OK, she quieted about her diet, until yesterday.

I admit it, I fell off the 'wagon' . . first time since I started that I KNOW I went over my calories. . usually I know we're going to go out to dinner and watch my calories accordingly, but when I got home, my roommate surprised me with taking me out for dinner for taking care of her dogs. Unfortunately the place we went to(new place) didnt' have a lot i liked, so I ordered the filet mignon, took half it home. What caused the huge pushover was I decided to go for desert, something I don't normally do, and had the cinnamon milk cake. Usually I'm too cheap to buy desert

But my friend told me to get it if I wanted it

She has been on my butt ALL day about how i was bad. . how I shouldn't've done that, here, that the refined sugar sugar is goign to cause me to fall off the wagon over and over and over again, blah blah blah basically comparing my breaking down once in oh 8-10 wks to being an alcoholic.

I have had pretty good will power. .I've had a bag of mini oreos sitting on my desk for a month(they're gone now, I gave them to a co worker LOL), I know I can walk away, i've done so to the scrumptious cake we have in office once a month, but I also know if Id on't induldge now and then, I will fall off the wagon badly over and over. .

Am I upset with myself? No, I'm not, i"m vowing to be VERY good the next few days, currently eating a chicken salad(lettuce, tomatos, red onions, carrots, some mozzarella cheese, cucumber, and grilled chicken!), I'm forgoing the salad dressing that came with it cuz it's EWWWWW(and the calories are out there LOL), and quite a bit of it's going home tonite cuz it's HUGE!!! with my sodium projected for the day being under 1000 right now! (to me, that's a big accomplishment, and makes up for last night LOL)

I hate being lectured on by my mother, let alone a friend. . and I'm afraid I'm going to blow. . so thanks for letting me vent. .

chiliflea · March 2011

.......and breathe..... :flowerforyou:

kdao · March 2011

I am sorry you are having to deal with an over-bearing friend. Sometimes, you just have to tell people to back off a bit. Let her know that you heard her the first time and she doesn't need to harp. You are doing great, you have lost 22 pounds. Keep it up!

Hummmingbird · March 2011

:bigsmile: you can tell her that the atkins diet is going to cause her to have a heart attack. and that people are PEOPLE we have weaknesses, and that going over one day isnt going to kill you, nor will refined sugar (in small quantities) also, as her if she is PERFECT, then tell her to shut the h*ll up. :-D

angieshotbod · March 2011

Your "friend" sounds like a control freak to me. Tell her to stop worrying about what you do and mind her own business.

reinventingandrea · March 2011

So the friend that took you out to eat is the same friend that is now lecturing you? That's just mean of her. She took you somewhere that you didn't have very many choices and then treats you like a 2 year old. Falling of the wagon once is not going to sabotage your lifestyle change. You have to treat yourself occasionally because if you don't (in my opinion) you're setting yourself up for failure. Use it as a lesson if nothing else but don't take anything your "friend" says to heart.

popsicle33 · March 2011

Support is much more useful than lecturing, especially when we already know what we should do. Sorry to hear about the crummy experience.

I suppose some of us get so gung ho and preachy it can get out of control. You are welcome to vent whenever you feel like it!
:flowerforyou:

Just1forMe · March 2011

How did she know what you ate for dinner? Did you tell her or are you talking about your roommate? I would never share what I've eaten with someone like that and if she comments on your diet, you are going to have to be as blunt as she is and tell her that you weren't asking for her opinion, but thank you anyway.

jsmjboertlein · March 2011

How does she know you went over. Forget her. She doesn't need to know what you eat. That's bull. I don't believe in dieting via highly processed foods and fad diets. You are doing fine by just cutting back. Ignore her.

astronima · March 2011

You are doing great. Not going over your calories in 8-10 weeks! Amazing :happy: I went over last night, and you are right it happens and if you don't indulge a little and let yourself eat what you want it will only hurt you in the end.

Your friend doesn't sound like the best friend in the world for you. She should not be making you feel bad let alone tell you how to make a life change (not diet). She should be encouraging you and praising you for how hard you are working to not give into temtations, and to make better choices.

It seems like she was trying to get you to overeat just so she could put you down. That is not what a friend does.

You have lost 22 lbs already and I'm here to tell you that is amazing! You should be so proud of yourself and give yourself a huge pat on the back. :flowerforyou: Making a life style change is not easy but it is worth it in the end. Vent anytime you want and Congratulations on all the accomplishments you have made thus far!

penny39 · March 2011

I know what you mean, I now have people trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't eat. I also have people telling me that I shouldn't lose to much weight or get to skinny. I am not going to get to skinny, I know where the doctor wants me to be at to control my diabetes and I know where I want to be at and it's just slightly above the doctor's recomendations. I know most people mean well, but it is very annoying at times.

jane77 · March 2011

say it and forget it. find the better thought. move on and breath. venting can be good it we move on. so onward you go to a better thought and a better day

zer0vital · March 2011

Sounds like you're responding with an appropriate attitude though. I started MFP in January too and cheating is an important part of my strategy. I will never (permanently) fall off the wagon the way things are now, because I am totally satisfied with what I get to eat.

Keep up the good work!

ultimategar · March 2011

Atkins is good for rapid short term weight loss, bad for life.
Eating a balanced calorie-controllled diet, combined with regular exercise, (and the occasional dessert/beer/<insert weakness here>) is the only way to lose weight sustainably.
People can be annoying, the important thing is not to kill them, prison food is probably not very balanced.

lauble · March 2011

Everything in moderation! You are doing great. Don't let others pull you down. Fad diets are just that - fads. In my opinion, stick to healthy eating, with the occasional indulgence and you will have success!

sam363 · March 2011

One night?! Did you enjoy the dessert? I hope so because it sounds delicious!

It's ok to indludge once in awhile. I plan mine according to when I get paid. On pay day I will buy my lunch or a treat then I'm done and can wait another two weeks to do it again. Have I fallen "off the wagon"? Nope. I still exercise and eat with in my calorie limits all the other days.

Don't deprive yourself calories today because of something you ate yesterday. It was ONE treat - enjoy it.

Oh and you can tell your friend that your weight will stay off because you have changed your lifestyle, hers will come back because she's on a "diet".

TabiHerbalifeCoach · March 2011

That really sucks. BUT you are so RIGHT. This is a LIFESTYLE change, and in LIFE sometimes you'll have cake, or go out to eat. I couldn't imgaine not being able to share birthday cake with my kids or split nice dessert with a special someone sometimes. It doesn't sound like there is any talking to her on this subject so maybe making the subject of deiting weight loss an off limit area for the two of you. Just tell her you've heard her side and you don't want it to come in the middle of your friendship and see how that works.

CallMeMamaBoo · March 2011

Doesn't sound like a very good friend....
Doesn't sound like someone I, personally, would call my friend.

You are doing wonderful. I have at least 3 candy bars a week... and still have managed to lose 30 lbs in 3 months. I would hate to hear what your 'friend' would say about me! Oh, and I have a slight weakness for cake that I always indulge in at least once a week. LOL Diets never work and usually die out! But a lifestyle change is forever! Remember that. You are making LIFE CHANGES! and that is far greater than choosing to live your life consumed by a diet. Your 'friend' sounds upset with her own life and choices....maybe if she indulged once in a while she wouldn't be so uptight and would learn to be a better friend. G'luck on your journey.

emaildianeb · March 2011

I feel for you. I agree that any diet that I go on that I can't eat some things I like would be a failure. Also, you have to give yourself a treat once in awhile. Geeze...one time in a few months and you have a treat. Its not like you ordered 2 desserts!

I say you're doing a great job and keep up the good work. Next time she butts in, tell her encouragement would help motivate you more than criticism which only upsets you!

mielikkibz · March 2011

So the friend that took you out to eat is the same friend that is now lecturing you?

No, realised after I posted it it was confusing, my roommate has been supportive, changing her and her hubby's eating habits as I mention thingsl ike how high are diet was in sodium, etc. . this is a different friend

You have to treat yourself occasionally because if you don't (in my opinion) you're setting yourself up for failure.

this is exactly how i feel. . I had a very stressful weekend with a huge argument with my mother, a bad day at work, and it's the first time I've allowed myself to emotionally eat. .. I went home, I worked out for 30 mins on the Wii/stationary bike, a lot of running.

She just told me she's only telling me for my 'own good'.

GAH!!! thanks guys, I don't want to blow up at her, but needed to get this off my chest.

Atlantique · March 2011

Your friend is totally out of line, although you already knew that.

You're going to have to tell her that any 'advice' she gives is ONLY welcome WHEN AND IF you REQUESTED IT. Otherwise, it is OFFENSIVE and endangering your relationship.

Then just walk away and let her chew on that.

It's good to have boundaries! So go make some!

Bridgetc140 · March 2011

The Atkins diet grosses me out!! Tell her that she can clog her arteries with fat and cholesterol if she wants to, but you'd prefer not to as weight loss is your goal not atherosclerosis! I would have been quite blunt with her by now and told her to mind her own damn business. If she is the same one that brought you out to dinner and then told you to buy the cake and now is making you miserable for it....well, not a friend in my book.

EDIT: Ok...I see now they it wasn't the same person. Either way, tell your "Friend" to back off and if you want to know her opinion, you'll ask!

mielikkibz · March 2011

I know what you mean, I now have people trying to tell me what I should and shouldn't eat. I also have people telling me that I shouldn't lose to much weight or get to skinny. I am not going to get to skinny, I know where the doctor wants me to be at to control my diabetes and I know where I want to be at and it's just slightly above the doctor's recomendations. I know most people mean well, but it is very annoying at times.

Very!! I am so very proud of myself, the weigh tloss, the exercise I'm doing, the changes I've made in my diet. I used to eat fast food 6-12 times a week, sometimes every breakfast was Mcds. . .I'm paying more attention to what I eat. . My brother has adult on set diabetes, my grandmother hypertension. . I have cut the junk food down considerably. . now when i Pick up something at the grocery store, I check the nutritional facts before I buy them

And usually turn down anything I can't find the calories for

but that cake. . OMG, that cake LOL

Jackiesexton · March 2011

It never ceases to amaze and confuse me how much damage people are willing to do to be helpful! I have only lost 17 lbs since starting MFT, but i have lost SEVENTEEN POUNDS. I am SUPER excited about my success so far! When I decide to share my accomplishment, I always get the same thing. "What are you doing?" and I explain how simple it is to count your intake, reduce portions to not go over but basically eat ANYTHING I like. Ialways get crazy diet advice. I had a doctor tell me to only eat chicken and lettuce and thats how to lose weight. You put anyone on tht strict a diet and you are setting them up to fail! I say smile and nodd and do what works for you. That doctor probably thinks I'm eating nothing but lettuce and chicken. lol
Congratulations on your 8 weeks of being unbelievably good and here's to another!

Bridgetc140 · March 2011

Atkins is good for rapid short term weight loss, bad for life.
Eating a balanced calorie-controllled diet, combined with regular exercise, (and the occasional dessert/beer/<insert weakness here>) is the only way to lose weight sustainably.
People can be annoying, the important thing is not to kill them, prison food is probably not very balanced.

HAHAHHAHAH

Bridgetc140 · March 2011

Atkins is good for rapid short term weight loss, bad for life.
Eating a balanced calorie-controllled diet, combined with regular exercise, (and the occasional dessert/beer/<insert weakness here>) is the only way to lose weight sustainably.
People can be annoying, the important thing is not to kill them, prison food is probably not very balanced.

HAHAHHAHAH

Pipes710 · March 2011

Wow she's being beyond ridiculous. I would also feel like exploding. However, just to try to add some idea as to why she may be acting this way, shes on the Atkins diet. Your nervous system including you brain is fueled more by carbs than by protien. So if she's gone over board like many do her nerves are actually cranky because they arnt getting their favorite food.
It is perfectly fine to have a naughty day every so often. We are learning how to be healthy again so occasionally you have to reward yourself with a delicious desert. Especially if it's your first real reward since January. You like those because your brain releases endorphins saying yes.... Good.

Personally my rule is I eat what I want as long as I'm willing to do the extra cardio. It's a really good deterrent!

I even refuse to call what I'm doing a diet. It has ba connotaions in my mind. I call it making better food choices.
Good luck dealing with your friend. Remind her nobody likes a militant dieter. Also good luck reaching your goals.

joybell32 · March 2011

The cake sounds fantastic! Sorry your "friend" is being that way. I use quotes because that is really not a friend. Friends are supportive and encouraging. They don't berate you for enjoying life and taking an occasional indulgence. Congrats on only eating half the meal, knowing what a whole meal and dessert would do to you! Good luck to you!

SammieGetsFit · March 2011

First of all, since smacking isn't a good option, you did the good thing by coming here to vent. That's what we're here for! I agree that you should just tell her in no uncertain terms to back off. It may cause stress to your relationship, but if that stress causes it to fall apart, you probably are better off without that negative influence anyway. I wish more people would use common sense in how they approach "helping" people. And only give unsolicited advice in EXTREME circumstances. I don't care what your standards are, one piece of cake a month is not intervention worthy...not compared to what most of us used to eat. I'm sorry this happened to you. She. Is. Wrong.

Secondly, may I be a little defensive? I'm currently doing Atkins. And it's pretty insulting when people demean my efforts to get healthier by calling it "just a fad" or "a diet, not a lifestyle change". I know there are studies and whatnot that people can quote at me, and frankly, I won't read them. Atkins makes sense for me. It targets my weight loss issues and helps me work through them to get to a healthy "SUSTAINABLE" lifestyle. In case you haven't actually been to the Atkins site or read the books, the third phase of the diet is called the "maintenance" phase, and it is indefinite and allows you to add back in whole grains, potatoes, etc. I also take offense to the idea that my lunch of 6 oz of white chicken breast, 1/2 an avocado, and a scoop of sour cream on a giant bed of greens is going to cause me to have a heart attack. I'll eat like this until I feel that my body wants me to add in fruits, nuts, and legumes. And I'll eat like that until I'm ready to responsibly eat whole grains, pasta, and potatoes.

I'm not calling anyone out specifically. And I'm sure no one meant to offend. But please think before posting comments like that. I don't have my diary public because I don't want to be judged for how I'm choosing to get healthy. And I think that's sad in such a supportive place as this.

</soapbox> :blushing:

KrystiR · March 2011

Some things are hard enought without the issue of having some guilt you for whatever you do. Tell her to focus on herself, you got this.

best of luck to you!

Lexie71 · March 2011

People find somethign that works for them and they get so excited they want everyone to have that kind of success. It is understandable. But we are not cookie cutter people and what works for one does not work for another. It is when we can cherish and applaud our differences that we have really grown.
I'd like to recommend that you get the book "Eat what you love, love what you eat" for your friend.....it is great alone or to help with any plan and really helps explain how success is found in listening to our own bodies and how everyone is different.
Good luck on your journey and try not to let others influence what you know is right for you.

venting: People who are trying to be 'helpful'

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