Totally OFF subject, but wasnt sure where to post...I need s

boobee32 · March 2011

WEll, there wasnt a board to post things non diet related, but am hoping that this post will maybe get me some support and feedback...

I have a 13 soon to be 14 year old daughter, that I have just found out is drinking and smoking pot. I am totally floored, as I would never expect this behavior from her....however I am aware that things are quite different now than they were at my age...but my god...I never did this kind of stuff at that age. 16? yes, I did my fair share...but 13?
I am just at such a loss at what to do? Start making her stay home instead of going off with her friends? Not sure WHO she has been doing this with, just know that she has.
I am going to confront her about this today, but right now it has me in such a funk...I am just ready to get off work, go check her out of school, and take care of it!!!

I know...realistically...if she is going to do this, there is no way I can have complete control ...she will find a way....and that makes it harder!!!!

What to do?? What to do??

lesley1981 · March 2011

I don't know what it's like where you are, but I work for Social Services and we get calls from parents about this on a regular basis!

Your local authority should be able to provide you and your daughter with the necessary supports, whether it be counselling or advice.

tkcasta · March 2011

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

EdAmundson · March 2011

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

spitfire1962 · March 2011

In my area we have a group call CG Alliance. CGA is against alcohol and drugs and refer parents to social services and counseling and education on the effects of drugs and alcohol. "Pot" does cause damage to the brain and slows your reflexes. The worst thing you could do is think "Well, she's going to do it when I'm not around." Let her know it's unacceptable, take her to counseling and join a support group. Find out who her friends are and weed them out. Most kids start drinking and doing drugs due to peer pressure. Try to get her to join clubs, and positive support groups where she can make new friends. Let her know how much you care and how concerned you are about her. You sound like a very good parent. Some times we just get too busy and don't realize how hard it is to be a kid now a days.

boobee32 · March 2011

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

I KNOW because of the email messages I read on her Facebook Account. She does not know I have her password by the way. Something has been goin on with her and I went in this morning just to see if it is something I should be concerned with..and I find these emails about really enjoying the way it makes her feel...and her drinking and stuff and liking that as well.
You are right, in that I dont need to be angry with her...because that is going to make it worse..I know that...but I have a tendancy to get that way....maybe i better take a xanax before i talk to her...seriously....

amymeenieminymo · March 2011

For future reference, you can post non-diet related stuff on the "chit-chat, fun and games thread (I know this isn't a fun topic, but that's probably the best place for it) :happy:

I don't have kids, so I'm not sure I can help. But I was a fairly good kid, and I credit it all to the way my dad raised me. My mom was around when I was growing up (she's since passed) but my dad did most of the raising and discipline for reasons I won't get into here.

As much as you may want to, try not to get mad and yell at her because that's just going to turn into a screaming match....the more you tell a teenager that they can't do something, the more they are going to want to do it. The best thing my dad did to set me straight on things was A) He showed how disappointed in me he was when I didn't do something right (I haaaaaated to know he was disappointed because my dad was my hero), and

he explained the ramifications of my actions. I rarely got grounded or in actual trouble, because knowing I screwed up in my dads eyes was punishment enough. I hope this helps some!

Sunshinema · March 2011

I have the same issue. her dad and i are divorced which is more of a challenge. she was grounded, took away all her computer access, ipod touch, etc. she had TV and that was it. we had to show her we meant business. She has spent the better part of hte last year stuck with me, her dad, or me and her sister. she hated it. we didnt yell or anything we just searched her room and then showed her the evidence. it is very difficult and not an easy thing to deal with.
remember you did not fail as a parent. sad to say that this happens younger and younger. we have told her she needs to show us some responsibility and earn our trust back. s he has taken some positive steps but also some not so positive. for us we tried to get her to not see the friends she was hanging with and that back fired on us so i would follow your gut on that one since i dont know your situation. i truly wish you the best as i am living this hell right now.......
there is no right or wrong answer per se but do reach out for support as you will need it.....

ramseyrose · March 2011

Hi there, I know how you feel. My daughter is the same age and all though she hasnt tried them (as far as I know) we had an issue with lovebites (hickies) a couple of weeks ago. I sat her down and told her that I dont agree with them and that they are not good for your reputation. She hadnt realised how she would be perceived by walking round with them. My worry was had they gone any further - they both swear not.

We have allowed our daughter to try alcohol at home (very occasionally) as others have told me that kids feel less inclined to drink outside the house.

My goddaughter went to a party at the same age and got hammered and ended up in hospital for a few hours to keep an eye on her. She learned her lesson and hasnt got in that state again during the last three years.

Its a nightmare knowing what to do. Where I live we have drugs/alcohol and family counsellors that you can turn to.

I agree, try not to get angry.

Good luck and keep us posted

tkcasta · March 2011

I'm 25 and the first time I tried pot was when I was like 12. It's not all that uncommon. For me, I did it and just wasn't thrilled so it wasn't a big deal. Honestly I think the best thing you can do it talk to her openly about it. Ask her why she is doing it, how it makes her feel etc. The worst thing you can do it get angry, then she isn't going to talk to you at all. After you ask her questions (non accusatory of course) just let her know that it isn't something that you think is right, and that you would rather she didn't do it.

I'd personally be more concerned about the alcohol, and with that again all you can do is make sure she knows that if she ever gets into a bad situation that she can call you, no questions asked, no punishment.

I guess my biggest question is, how do you KNOW that she is doing it?

I KNOW because of the email messages I read on her Facebook Account. She does not know I have her password by the way. Something has been goin on with her and I went in this morning just to see if it is something I should be concerned with..and I find these emails about really enjoying the way it makes her feel...and her drinking and stuff and liking that as well.
You are right, in that I dont need to be angry with her...because that is going to make it worse..I know that...but I have a tendancy to get that way....maybe i better take a xanax before i talk to her...seriously....

That's kind of what I thought. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

All I know is that my mom really just told me what she didn't want me to do, but she was very honest about things - and I got into more trouble at 13 than I did at 16. I think now is just a really important time to build that trust because it's natural that she is pushing like this.

Our brains aren't fully developed until we are in our mid 20's - and we don't really have any idea, we aren't conscientious until then. So plant the seeds of what you think is appropriate behavior without punishment. I bet she'll talk to you if you can stay cool. If she knows that she can talk to you about anything without being punished then things will be much better, and when she makes mistakes, which of course she will, you will be able to tell her about how you feel about it, and how you think she should handle the situation.

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

Atlantique · March 2011

I'm not a parent, but I don't know that I agree with all the mollycoddling being advocated in this thread.

I didn't get in trouble as a kid because I was deathly afraid of my parents! There was no way, no how that sort of behavior would be tolerated. And I knew it.

My siblings did a little experimenting, and the hammer came down hard on them, which put an end to it.

boobee32 · March 2011

For future reference, you can post non-diet related stuff on the "chit-chat, fun and games thread (I know this isn't a fun topic, but that's probably the best place for it) :happy:

Well...i didnt consider it just fun and games..so thats why i didnt.
Thanks for your advice.

tkcasta · March 2011

Oh and I just want to say, I'm only speaking from my own experiences, I realize every kid and every parent is different.

boobee32 · March 2011

. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

You are DEF right in that...I dont want her to know I was on her facebook, but yes, as a parent I DO feel that I have that right if I so feel the need...and I did...and this is where it got me. I was expecting boy trouble...ha!

FearAnLoathing · March 2011

You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.

tkcasta · March 2011

. Well, since that is the case you can't really let her know that you KNOW or she's going to shut you out. (Granted, I'm just assuming because I'm remembering how I was with my mom). If you have general conversations with her - I liked the idea the pastor had about taking her out on a girls day - and just talk about everything, it's going to sink in. But you can't tell her that you were snooping (no matter what is going on - I respect a parent right to do this, but I also know that if she knew you did it, she would never talk to you again - until she is like 25).

That being said, I understand you are freaking out and that it's really scary to think of your baby doing stuff like that, but also keep it in perspective. It's just pot. Is it great, no, but it's just pot.

You are DEF right in that...I dont want her to know I was on her facebook, but yes, as a parent I DO feel that I have that right if I so feel the need...and I did...and this is where it got me. I was expecting boy trouble...ha!

Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

boobee32 · March 2011

You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.

I think in the end...you are right about the in home drug test. I am goin to sit her down and talk to her...tell her how I feel..that I dont want her doing it...and I KNOW..god how I DO know about the peer pressure.....BUT...it is not acceptable...and I am goint to let her know...I will test her every week if I have too....and if she refuses....she will lose priviledges....and if she fails..she will also lose those priviledges.

rfcollins33 · March 2011

I have to say, I agree with the pastor on this one. I did plenty of stupid stuff and if I'd have actually known or felt that my mom really cared, I think it would have changed a lot of the decisions I made. I'm sure from the way you are describing things, she knows you love her, but as the pastor was saying she's your daughter and if you want to go get her right now, do it! I see a lot of good advice on here. Good luck, hon!

neelia · March 2011

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

I semi-agree with this. I agree that you should be proactive and go ahead and deal with the situation and not wait until it arises again.

When my 13 year old son recently got caught for doing the same thing, we took EVERYTHING away from him- TV, phone, computer, everything... We also took him to the sheriff's department where they have a program for kids that have been suspended and/or have gotten caught with drugs (either by law enforcement or by their parents). We are also sending him through the "Get Straight" program through Bradford Health Services to really bring the message home.

I also agree with another poster that if you don't crack down on her HARD, she will simply keep doing it. I did the same thing when I was younger!

No matter what you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

boobee32 · March 2011

]

Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....

tkcasta · March 2011

]

Lol, it's going to be ok. The fact that you care is the most important thing. Honestly, oh my god I'm having horrible flashbacks, 12-15 were the years when I was the biggest jerk and idiot. You know, then I got a job and started to focus on other things, I think there is just SO much pressure at that age, that I don't know if it's really as bad once you are 16+. Especially now! There is this like huge push to grow up. I remember being 12 and one day smoking the pot and the next I still wanted to play with my Barbies. Things are so messed up nowadays! I wish my mom had cared enough to really want to talk to me about things, she did and then she just kind of let me go (mainly because she remarried an authoritarian) and then I graduated, left home, and didn't talk to her for 2 years, because - hey she didn't care anyway.

Talking to her, over and over - is always the right thing. You can never go wrong as long as you don't give up. And you certainly sound like you aren't going to give up!

Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....

Well, I think you're doing the right thing. You have to do what's right for your family. Everything will be ok. I hope all goes well and that it all works out! Good luck to you, and tell your daughter pixie sticks and code red (long story

) are way more fun. And legal!

FearAnLoathing · March 2011

You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.

I think in the end...you are right about the in home drug test. I am goin to sit her down and talk to her...tell her how I feel..that I dont want her doing it...and I KNOW..god how I DO know about the peer pressure.....BUT...it is not acceptable...and I am goint to let her know...I will test her every week if I have too....and if she refuses....she will lose priviledges....and if she fails..she will also lose those priviledges.

Thats a pretty good stance to take,I wish my parents had.I made my own choices and I knew my parents cared about me and they had the drug talks with me but I didnt care cuz I was having fun.They were scared of me.

Atlantique · March 2011

Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....

Don't rule out that they may be getting it from their parents. Not that the parents are giving pot and alcohol to them, but that they may be stealing it from their parents' stashes.

I'm always flabbergasted to find out how many adults and parents smoke pot. Of COURSE the kids know and also know where it's supposedly hidden away from the children.

And I'm always even more shocked at how many parents do give their children alcohol on the theory that if they're going to do it, at least let them do it at home where it's safe. (I think this is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard, but people do think this way.)

The other thing to worry about here, not to get you even more freaked out but it has to be said, is that with the alcohol and pot comes the possibility of inappropriate sexual behavior. In a 13 year old, that is REALLY worrisome. It's bad enough that she is too immature to understand the consequences of experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but she's really too immature to understand the possible consequences (emotional, healthwise and pregnancy-wise) of sexual behavior.

atsteele · March 2011

I wish you the best of luck in this. I really do. My kids are young; the oldest is 11yo and the youngest 2yo. But one of my greatest fears is that one of them will start taking drugs. I think that the first thing that I would do is go to people with experience in these matters and take their advice seriously. I wouldn't let her out of my sight ... and when she is, I would make darn sure I knew exactly who she is with and what she is doing. Good luck and God bless, Momma!! I pray that all will end well for you both!

Dreamerlove · March 2011

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.

I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.

atsteele · March 2011

BTW I disagree with not expressing your anger (appropriately of course). You are a human being and a mother. You have a right to be angry with your child. She did something very wrong and you can tell her (not yell) that you are really angry with her. I think kids need to know that we are human and how much their actions affect us. I would also explain why I was/am angry with her... because we love them... and we love our children more than life itself!!

Im going to say a prayer for you and your daughter today. I hope your confrontation with your daughter goes better than expected.

FearAnLoathing · March 2011

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.

I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.

Heres my issue with this,my parents never yelled at me I got the oh im so dissapointed and the conversations.Me and MY friends laughed about it as we were getting high.And the girls day out silly.We can not be friends to our children.Part of the reason kids are so crazy now is because parents are to busy "talking" to them.Back when kids were still afraid of their parents we didnt have the problems we do now.Now we run the risk of being branded child abusers if we even spank our children.

Dreamerlove · March 2011

Just to be clear, I think you should do the whole spend the day with her thing, and don't bring it up till the end. Kids will and want to talk to you, if its in the right manner. Then tell her about it, and yeas crack down HARD on her, but no yelling! Just ground her for like 2 months..and the first month totally ground her and the second month she can only go out on sat nights or something, along with drug testing her.

Also my best advice is to NOT tell her you were snooping, I know you did the right thing by snooping but if you tell her she will hate you, and not trust you. Also my second best advice would be tell her one of her friends told you she was smoking pot and drinking. It sounds mean but my stepmom did it to me, and it worked. Don't make up a friend, just make her think you have full control. That way when she is out in the future she will think someone might tell on her.

Good Luck

Dreamerlove · March 2011

I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings

I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.

I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.

Heres my issue with this,my parents never yelled at me I got the oh im so dissapointed and the conversations.Me and MY friends laughed about it as we were getting high.And the girls day out silly.We can not be friends to our children.Part of the reason kids are so crazy now is because parents are to busy "talking" to them.Back when kids were still afraid of their parents we didnt have the problems we do now.Now we run the risk of being branded child abusers if we even spank our children.

fearantloathing--- maybe I wasn't clear, but I wasn't saying don't punish her. I think your are right parents don't need to be friends, but they can still spend time together. I was a VERY sensitive child and I didn't need to be yelled at. Obviously it worked for me, bc I didn't do drugs. Everyone is different though. I think parents should ground/spank/ punish their kids, I know I will. But it is good to have quilty time in there too. I wanted to talk to my parents and if they asked I did, if we were having a "friendly convo" and not yelling me. So I guess it just depends on the situation.

Dreamerlove · March 2011

BTW I disagree with not expressing your anger (appropriately of course). You are a human being and a mother. You have a right to be angry with your child. She did something very wrong and you can tell her (not yell) that you are really angry with her. I think kids need to know that we are human and how much their actions affect us. I would also explain why I was/am angry with her... because we love them... and we love our children more than life itself!!

Im going to say a prayer for you and your daughter today. I hope your confrontation with your daughter goes better than expected.

What happens when that very hormonal teenager has anger inside to express too?

lkyeomans · March 2011

I have a teen daughter who is bipolar, just recently diagnosed, however she knows that we will not accept any type of drugs or alcohol. She is not perfect by any means and even had been in youth court for borrowing a friends cell phone without permission (she gave it back in the morning, never planned to keep it). This was prior to her diagnosis and subsequent medications. Now that she is on medication she knows its even more important for her to stay away from that stuff. She knows we will drug test her at any time(although never have yet she knows we would) and she knows I check her facebook periodically. Your daughter is barely old enough to have a facebook page (13 is the age for facebook), she should know you have all her passwords!! Ask any professional they will say the same. You should be aware and it's not spying if it is known upfront. So yes, sit her down, tell her what you will accept and not accept and tell her you will check her computer, emails and facebook from time to time. You are her parent, it is your responsibility!

Totally OFF subject, but wasnt sure where to post...I need s

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