Do you comment to friends that don't ask?

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  • MeolaCharles
    MeolaCharles Posts: 18
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    I would respond in a private message out of concern, being very clear and precise about my concerns. I do not get annoyed when people respond to something I am doing. This site is all about support, motivation etc. Even if someone comes off as a know it all, people assume what ever the heck the want to assume. What's important, is I know the truth and what I am doing. I have done the research and what I do is not harmful to me. Not to speak in defense of anyone else causing harm to themselves. Because there are some that are doing massive harm to their bodies. It's hard to read that some people that responded, won't even attempt to help. Immediately judging the person with the assumption "oh they're starving themselves" DELETE. Really!!! That is sad!!! One person said, "she could have been sick and had no appetite for a few days" that is a possiblity. And yes, there are the obsessed anorexic on this site as well. But the bottom line is to support each other as best as we can. If you aren't willing to reach out or take comments, regardless of the type of comment, (and this isn't directed to you) then don't accept friends. Do it alone and just do what you have to for you, there's no law against that. When you make yourself available for the rest of the world to see, then people are always have something to say. Letting it get to you won't help your situation. So, if you (the questioner) are concerned, express it privately and be very precise about your concerns. Let her know that you have no intention to appear judgmental, you are just cocerned. If she is clear that she is aware of what she's doing, respectful send her a private message explaining that her destructive behavior is a bad influence on what you are trying to do to better yourself and you will have to respectfully decline her friendship. We are not Psychologist or Psychiatrist on here, perhaps some are, but anorexia is a psychological disorder and has to be treated professionally. You can talk until you are blue in the face, it won't make any difference. Reach out and we'll see what we see.
  • MeolaCharles
    MeolaCharles Posts: 18
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    :smile:
    This lady couldn't have said it any better!
    Yes. I do comment. I mean, after all, what are friends for if not to express concern? Besides, it's not like you have to become anorexic or starve yourself to support someone else who is. Nor do you have to support another in her abusive decisions. You simply have to have compassion and understanding.

    When I comment, I don't allow concern to sound negative, critical or condescending. Instead, I pick something they are doing well, healthy, and praise it. And when I am truly concerned, I say so. I will write something to the effect, "I am concerned about you and your under-eating."

    As far as I'm concerned, people who eat incredibly few calories may be anorexic in their thoughts and actions and don't need anymore criticism than someone who over-eats and is obese in her thoughts and actions.

    Of course it could be that this person you speak of is not anorexic in her thinking but is simply believes that in reducing her calories drastically she'll lose the weight fast. And she just might lose weight that way, albeit unhealthy.

    The thing is we all try in different ways. Some of us try to do things our own way and seek out people who support our thoughts and actions and quickly reject anyone who is not in line with our thinking. Others try by gravitating to any new fad out there. Still, I think most of us try through trial and error, by asking questions, doing research, being somewhat receptive to other people's suggestions and persistently changing our approach until something works for us.

    Expressing concern towards someone you think is on an unhealthy path is a loving act of kindness. However, not everyone is receptive to these loving acts and can become defensive or worse, attack. Personally I seldom if ever allow other people's attacks against me prevent me from expressing my loving concern. That said, once I've stated my concern, I leave it up to the person what she wants to do with it. If she roots it out and throws it away, so be it. I'm not trying to 'change' her, merely bring her attention to what can be unhealthy.

    If you express concern with the intention of being right, you'll never win anything. However, if you express concern with the intention of caring, you can never lose. And even if the person rejects your concern you still don't lose because you weren't trying to win anything in the first place. You will have been true to your intention - to express caring concern. Ultimately it's still up to her what she's going to do.
  • MeolaCharles
    MeolaCharles Posts: 18
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    I love your response.
  • JohnnyNull
    JohnnyNull Posts: 294 Member
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    I'd say something, even if you feel you need to be gentle. That's a pretty unhealthy thing to do, at least over the long term. So I would not even consider not saying something. You're looking out for them. Now, if your advice is turned down, I'd clam up and drop 'em.
  • Toniteach
    Toniteach Posts: 12
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    As someone who is on a doctor-supervised, with medical care (labs, etc) diet that is low carb and very low calorie (ketosis-invoking) diet, I would say not to mention anything to her, since you may not know the circumstances. Unless you know her personally and think she is in danger, then you make the call.

    Great thread, great advice and discussions!

    ~Toni
  • ajbeans
    ajbeans Posts: 2,857 Member
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    I look at my friends' diaries when they close out for the day (most of the time). If I have a concern, I will point it out gently, or ask if they have a reason for doing things a certain way. If it's something that I feel is truly dangerous, I'll say so. I say my piece just one time. But at the end of the day, it's not my life. I try to applaud my friends for reaching their goals, even if I don't happen to agree with those goals. And if I feel that I truly just cannot support someone in their choices, I just remove them from my friend list. It's none of my business, and if they're happy, they're not going to listen to me anyway because I'm not a professional and I don't know their individual circumstances. It's not up to me to badger them into good health.
  • callipygianchronicle
    callipygianchronicle Posts: 811 Member
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    I will comment, if it is a friend that normally eats well but suddenly has a low calorie day.

    If it is someone who seems to under-eat daily, I leave no comments on their diary, period. The number of people who need to be on severe-calorie-restricted diets is far smaller than the number of people who practice this as a weight-loss technique.

    Like others have stated, I tend to remove contacts who eat like this, as our goals and strategies are too incompatible for either of us to support each other. It’s not my job to police anyone else’s journey, but I am pretty protective over the kinds of influences I allow to come along on mine.

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