Boyfriend not on board

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ahadj
ahadj Posts: 257 Member
in Motivation and Support
My boyfriend continually comments he doesn't understand why I am trying to lose weight because I don't need to. He claims that he doesn't see anywhere I need to lose it from. While that is sweet of him to say, it's disappointing that instead of commending my hard work, he is telling me I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. He knows I've lost 30 lbs in the past year, but I don't think he realizes that over 15 of those have been since we starting dating last August. I don't think he's noticed that 15 lbs loss, since I see him every day (or if he has, he's never mentioned it).

Him saying "I don't see where the weight could possibly come off from" is also ridiculous, because I am on the border between overweight and healthy for my height BMI-wise, my legs are thick, and I have a flabby tummy. While I have come a long way, there is definitely still weight to be lost.

He also says I eat too little, and when I tell him that I am eating the proper amount of calories for my size, he comments that he doesn't think I should be counting and that I am "too obsessed with calories". But I never talk about calories, I merely log them on here. Once in a while he might catch me looking at the nutrition information on something, but that's it.

He thinks he is being supportive to me by accepting me as I am, but I wish he would also support my goals. Anyone else dealing with a non-supportive partner?
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Replies

  • raychybabe
    raychybabe Posts: 121 Member
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    is your boyfriend working out and eating well too? sometimes we pick out faults or criticise others because we are jealous of their success. He might also worry that when you look all slim and foxy you might look elsewhere, men get insecure too! You could tell him it is sweet of him to compliment you and that your happy he loves yu whatever size you are, but he needs to understand this is important to you, and it would help you a great deal if he was on board too.

    my mom is the same, she thinks i have an eating disorder, whereas I feel like im just learning more about what i eat and exercising more so i feel like im making better and more balanced choices.

    i dont know what to say except if you're doing it for youurself in a healthy way, then dont let someone stop you achieving your goals.

    and as for him not notiing about your weight loss, mine never noticed when i cut my long hair into a bob and got a fringe! men!
  • ITSSODAMNHOT
    ITSSODAMNHOT Posts: 121 Member
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    Sounds like you have some "extra weight" that can be lost fast. lol Sorry don't mean too forward, but you need a supportive man. Words like he is saying is no way encouraging, and yes right now it may not be harmful, but soon it'll start to sink in and you'll relax too much.

    Good job on your weight lost! Keep up the good work!

    If you have any thought on how to get a woman to join you in workouts let me know lol. My wife thinks just eating better will keep you losing weight and gym is nothing worth time.
  • ybba12490
    ybba12490 Posts: 252
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    YES! I'm in the exact same situation. I think because they love us, that makes them believe that we look "perfect" whereas I'm overweight (220 lbs!!!) but I'm tall so I don't think he realizes how much I actually weigh. It bothers him because he NEVER gains weight and so he always wants to eat fast food (which I can't even stomach now, eww) and gets mad that I will eat fruit or some veggies while he indulges. I don't think they're trying to be unsupportive, they just don't understand.
  • veggeslady
    veggeslady Posts: 64
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    Be grateful that he loves the real you. My Husband wants what is best for me and loves. Even if I am big. But You need to take care of you. If you take care of yourself you can take care of others. I think you need to agree to disagree here and be ok with it. I know it is hard I have had some of the same issues with my husband but it is now worth getting in between you Just let him know you need his support and love. He is more likely to give it if you let him know that you need him to help you too. Men want to solve problems so let him help find solutions.
  • paigecrowe
    paigecrowe Posts: 70 Member
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    I think he's insecure like my bf. My bf is kinda the same. He doesn't understand why I go to the gym because "he loves me the way I am." I told him that I was losing weight for me, not for him. He still gets aggravated but he'll get over it.
  • Nelly711
    Nelly711 Posts: 52
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    .

    my mom is the same, she thinks i have an eating disorder, whereas I feel like im just learning more about what i eat and exercising more so i feel like im making better and more balanced choices.

    I get so tired of people thinking the same thing about me. I am just more aware of what goes in my mouth. I don't push "healthy eating" on anybody, however, I try to educate them every once in a while when I can in a very tactful way. It's not an eating disorder, it's a way of life, one that I am choosing to do the right way, so all the weight I do lose, I can keep off! :)
  • meganwrites1
    meganwrites1 Posts: 13
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    When I first started this program, my husband didn't get on board right away either. But when he saw how dedicated I was to it, he decided to sign up too! It was only a day that he hesitated, but we both had talked about getting in shape too.

    Keep working toward your goals, even if it just means getting more exercise and "feeling" fit, and maybe he will join you! Your good habits will rub off :) Good luck!
  • mandijo
    mandijo Posts: 618 Member
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    Men can sometimes have a really silly way of showing their support. For me, talking about it was one way to hold myself accountable. Just mention that it's not just weight loss, it's about being healthy. Put it into a getting healthy perspective and maybe he'll get the picture. He may not for awhile, so just keep doing what you are doing. My husband is supportive, but not exactly the way I'd like him to be, and I've just learned that I'm doing this only for me. Once he sees what losing a few pounds, eating right and exercising will do for your self confidence and your overall outlook, it will click and he'll be more supportive! Props to you for setting goals and working hard to achieve them. You're doing great!
  • Kaydismom
    Kaydismom Posts: 6 Member
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    Oh yeah. My husband is the least supportive person EVER! Just the other day he deep fried a taco and tried to get me to eat it. Our deep fryer is new so he's using it for everything even though he knows I can't eat it. Not to mention the complaining about the extra money we spend so I can have my "special" foods. I've learned to ignore him though :) Just try telling him a little support would be nice.

    Good luck!
  • amitybs
    amitybs Posts: 35
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    My boyfriend doesn't make comments about me not losing weight but he doesn't help with the eating healthy. He's always wanting and making mashed potatoes with gravy, eating fast food...everything I'm trying to get away from!! Plus he makes comments about how big women on tv are, who are smaller than me, and says how big they are! I'm realizing I have to either 1. learn to ignore it and do my own thing or 2. move on and find someone who supports me. If your boyfriend isn't supporting you being healthier than you need to let him know how important it is for him to keep those comments to himself...
  • ShiloughCoy
    ShiloughCoy Posts: 73
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    I understand where you're coming from. My boyfriend tries to insist upon me eating more than I am, which at times would even lead to severe overeating. I learned a long time ago that he is insecure and feels threatened when I succeed at looking and feeling better. Yes, not a very grown-up reaction, but a human one. So, I simply never discuss weight or weight loss with or around him, I just make my choices and when he says something, I look him dead in the eye and say "I'm a 30 year old woman. I think I know how to feed myself". It makes him back off because I'm being direct and taking charge instead of being defensive or trying to explain my food choices. Also, I play into his male competitiveness and "challenge" him to go hiking, walking, rock climbing, ect. I may not be able to change the way he approaches me, but I do have control over how I react to what he says and does. Hope this helps!
  • ITSSODAMNHOT
    ITSSODAMNHOT Posts: 121 Member
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    Uh oh... lol Looks like I walked into a field of land mines... lmao
  • kkallevig
    kkallevig Posts: 1
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    Find your support elsewhere, and explain to him, whats important to you, should be important to him. If he cares for you, he should care about what you are passionate about, and not judge or turn you away from it. Its not easy to have neg support, so you just need to explain, Being Healthy, and Fit, is not a bad way to live.... and you just want to continue this road of healthy living, and he should stick by you.
    Dont give up, and keep up the GREAT success!!!
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
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    Men have their own views on things and just because he does not offer the support you want does not make him a bad person, he may see you in a totally different way than you do yourself. I look at my body differently than my wife does as I look at hers differently than she does. You do not need the support as much as it would be nice you are doing this for you and you alone, so do not rely on him for support as he does not see the need to give you the support in the way you want.
  • biged335
    biged335 Posts: 734
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    Please don't take this the wrong way and I don't agree with anybody being un-supportive of somebody else trying to improve their life, heath, or body...

    But most men have been told for years that you must love your for who she is not how she looks. So when you are getting in shape in is only natural for him to tell you that you're fine the way you are. He's also worried that if he agrees with you on your need to get health, he's opening himself up for an arguement.

    My advice would be to tell him that you are working hard to make yourself heathier and that you need his support. Most men will be more then happy to support you anyway he can.

    Now on the other hand, those men that are actually trying to sabotage your goals by trying to have you eat food you are trying to avoid and things along that line... You need to kick their *kitten* to the curb!!!! And you need to put it to them that way, "ethier support me or get the hell out my way!"

    Just my humble opinion..
  • November1954
    November1954 Posts: 4 Member
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    I am having the same problem with my boyfriend. I am trying to lose 20 lbs. that I have gained over the two years due to to shoulder surgeries and being off of work for six months for each incident. I stayed with parents during this time. My mom is constantly trying to get me to eat with them but their menus are not exactly the healthiest, more of the comfort food variety. My boyfriend needs to lose 25- 30 lbs. but has no motivation to due so. Sometimes I think his lack of support for me is due to the fact that he doesn't want me to lose my weight because that would mean he should work on himself and he doesn't want to make the effort to due so. I am hoping I can still due this even though I am getting no support from him. He is just like your boyfriend in that he thinks I look great the way I am. For that I am so very thankful. But I am to the point of "being uncomfortable in my own skin". Good luck to you.
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
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    Now on the other hand, those men that are actually trying to sabotage your goals by trying to have you eat food you are trying to avoid and things along that line... You need to kick their *kitten* to the curb!!!! And you need to put it to them that way, "ethier support me or get the hell out my way!"

    Just my humble opinion..
    very true, golf clap.
  • amarie36
    amarie36 Posts: 65 Member
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    My husband tells me all the time that I'm fine...sexy ect., but when we first started dating I was 50lbs lighter. I remember him making the comment on several occassions that he wasn't attracted to "fat" women. He knows i'm not confortable in my body now so he just goes with the fact that I'm trying to lose weight. On the other hand....I get the feeling he tries to sabotoge me. Knowing that I am watching what I eat....he'll go to the store and come back with candy or ice cream sandwiches for me. Or he'll cook, but put bbq sauce or other things on the food that I shouldn't eat. I used to ask him to keep me on track if he saw that I was veering away, but he wouldn't. He would be right there asking me if I wanted some McDonalds at 2am. He asked me before if I was going to leave him once I lost weight (jokingly)....but part of me doesnt think that it was entirely a joke.... :-(
  • Newfiedan
    Newfiedan Posts: 1,517 Member
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    that is a red flag for insecurity, my wife decided she wanted to shed some weight, at first I was not entirely supportive as I did not worry about my own, but I did nothing to stop her from doing it. Once she was into it for a while I decided to get on board myself as I took stock and got more critical of my own health, now we do it as a team and we share ideas and work together on it. I would address that red flag with him and assure him that you are doing this to be happier yourself and would appreciate it if he would support you along the path more.
  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,310 Member
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    In a way I have the opposite. Though my husband would never say I was fat, he is always encouraging me to lose weight, and when I have pointed out how much smaller I am now to 3 months ago, he doesn't seem to have noticed. I do feel like he would rather I was 8 stone again, like I was when we got married. I guess he's used to having sportswear models around all the time at work, so he compares me to them.

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