Do you think a relationship can work if...

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  • leafyq
    leafyq Posts: 21
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    I don't think that it would break an otherwise good, healthy relationship, unless one party is being ridiculous and stubborn about it.

    Personally, being active is my personal thing. Even if my SO were into it, I wouldn't want to share it with him. I like doing it on my own at my own pace.
  • aeckels616
    aeckels616 Posts: 210 Member
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    I think it CAN work, as long as neither partner is expecting the other to fulfill the "buddy" role in their particular activities. For instance, I know that my husband will never go to the gym, run, or do a workout video with me. Ever. And I'm cool with that because he knows I will never play video games or basketball with him. We have other people to group with for those activities, but have a healthy and happy marriage because it's based on other parts of our lives together.
  • spiritcrusher
    spiritcrusher Posts: 326 Member
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    I couldn't be in a relationship with someone as miserable as I am when it comes to my cutting and bulking cycles.

    I need someone that will make me step out of my boundries once in a while.
  • gooberr4
    gooberr4 Posts: 253 Member
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    The healthier relationships leave room for personal space and separate identities. What you fill that space and identity with is up to you. There are other things to be had in common. :-D

    nicely said. i agree 100%. I feel like my relationship has gotten better because I'm doing something for me and feeling more confident and happy.
  • Sherri71
    Sherri71 Posts: 208 Member
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    Wow! I am just reading all the logs now and want to thank everyone for their great advice. It seems as if we live almost completely separate lives and not sure how I feel about this. He works night shift and I work day shift (well from home most day so I do see him). But seems he never wants to do anything at all. We will occasionally go out to eat at a local place, but he is more content to stay home watching DIY, Fox News or play PS3. The fact that he works nights has left me a lot of free time to be active and pursue fitness related interests, which is great. On Saturdays, even though he is home, I have double workouts in the morning. It has gotten to the point where we don't spend any time together at all. Another poster pointed out that we have other issues and I know that is true. He refuses to go to counseling, so not sure what I can do. Is there something better out there or should I just be content since he does not cheat and is not physically abusive. We have been together only 6 years (married 3.5). He was more receptive to trying new things and doing things together in the beginning, but that quickly disippated.
  • MyNameIsNotBob
    MyNameIsNotBob Posts: 565 Member
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    Is there something better out there or should I just be content since he does not cheat and is not physically abusive.

    Hmmm... I don't know you or your relationship very well, but, yes, there is something better out there. Just being a non-cheating non-abusive guy is not enough. You deserve someone who makes you happy. But perhaps there's a way to salvage your relationship?

    Good luck.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    It is putting a strain on my relationship with my wife as I am trying to eat better and workout whereas she likes to eat out and read. She complains that I'd rather go to my spin class rather than spend time with her. She needs to lose weight, but doesn't want to put forth the effort.
  • mommazrulz222
    mommazrulz222 Posts: 12 Member
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    By asking this question, I'm sure you understand the variety of answers you would receive. I think the biggest thing is whether you want the relationship to work. If you truly do, then you will find a way to make it work. My husband and I have been married just over 7 yrs. We've switched back and forth with the active/lazy lifestyle at different times. But this go around my husband has truly inspired me to get up and get active. He's recently lost 42 lbs. I will agree at times it was stressful, but we managed to find a balance.
  • gooberr4
    gooberr4 Posts: 253 Member
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    Is there something better out there or should I just be content since he does not cheat and is not physically abusive.

    I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years and I've been in the same spot you're in (and i frequently come back to it). He's not a bad person but sometimes I get that feeling too that maybe there is something better out there. Being more active and focused on losing weight and being healthy has given me something else to focus on instead of my relationship. He likes to have his space and I used to find that offensive but now I find myself being the one that isn't really stressing about seeing him (we live an hour away so i only get to see him on the weekends but sometimes i have to work on the weekends so now it's more like twice a month some months and that used to bother me). But we still have fun and I still enjoy his company so I'm just not taking the relationship as seriously.


    Being married makes things more complicated. At this point, it's what YOU want. If he doesn't want to go to counseling or change then there's nothing you can do. And if that bothers you, then its time to seriously consider moving on. Right now you're pretty much living separate lives and its hard to get on the same page and it sucks that it's that way because I feel like when you're married, it shouldn't. Marriage and relationships are all about compromise. You can still do your own separate things and be able to find love in between but if the love isn't there anymore, then its a problem.

    Personally though, I would try to salvage the relationship one last time. Really try to get through to him and talk to him. Being honest and open is the best thing you can do. If he's not having it then it's out of your hands.

    I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I wish you the best of luck.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
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    It can be sucessful, if you accept each other as you are. Once one person tries to change the other to fit their lifestyle, the chances of survival diminish considerably.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
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    It depends solely on the couple. My ex and I had totally different interests...which led to him cheating with a woman who had the same interests and habits (not the good kind if you get my drift). I believe that it can work however....I have plenty of friends who have relationships/marriages that work well. You can't have the exact same interests or you'd end up getting sick of each other, lol. Having a few interests in common would be helpful and even healthy for the relationship to work. I have learned that I need a man in my life who is at least outdoorsy like I am even if nothing else is 'common ground'.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
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    Do you think a relationship can work if 1 person likes to be active and do things such as skate, bike ride, go to the gym, workout and the other person just likes to stay at home in front of the TV, not workout, do occasional household DIY projects, but not much more than that??? I am curious how it works in other marriages/relationships?

    Absolutely.

    I am a personal trainer, Turbo Kick and PiYo instructor, and I exercise at least an hour a day.

    He doesn't like to workout at all.

    But our relationship is not centered around this one aspect. It can't be.

    I like Star Wars, and he doesn't. He likes Ghostbusters, and I don't.

    So what?

    He enjoys working third shift and staying up all night.

    I hate third shift with a passion and I am trying to get off of it ASAP.

    But will that kill a relationship? Nah...

    If all you focus on are the things that you don't have in common, you will never last long enough to find out what you DO have in common. Me and Justin have been together for 3 years, and we are getting married in July. We just bought a house together and have been living together since last August. He just finds something else to do while I am working out, and I talk to my MFP friends while he is watching Ghostbusters in the other room. If you immediately just focus in on what you don't like about each other, then you probably shouldn't be together at all. But if you get over it and realize that there are going to be TONS of things that you don't agree on, then you can have a mature relationship.

    You don't really think all married couples are exactly alike, do you?
  • jawolfe
    jawolfe Posts: 64 Member
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    I say no. For me it would be a respect thing. Would you look up to that person that you just described and respect them?
  • shariann3
    shariann3 Posts: 15
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    Sherry, my husband is NOT at all interested in working out and that's fine. We both have our separate interests (he likes to hunt; I will NEVER go hunting with him!), as do all couples. What we do makes us "us" and that is why your partner loves us! Not to say that he is completely unhealthy/inactive---his job as a Chiropractor demands he be somewhat physical at work all day. We've been married 10 1/2 years and its never been a problem for us that I enjoy exercise and he does'nt.
  • dirtyblue
    dirtyblue Posts: 90
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    It is putting a strain on my relationship with my wife as I am trying to eat better and workout whereas she likes to eat out and read. She complains that I'd rather go to my spin class rather than spend time with her. She needs to lose weight, but doesn't want to put forth the effort.

    That's the same situation I am in right now, except with my husband. I am really working at making myself healthier, eating well and working out to loose the weight. He has put on about 30 pounds in the past year and is doing nothing to help himself. He was making omelets for us Friday night and I asked for just a little cheese and just a couple bits of bacon in mine, he loaded it totally up. When he asked how it was I told him too much cheese and bacon, and he was like "really!!!"" When I try to guide him on the right choices, he totally goes the other way. He will then apologize for letting himself go and complain that he has no clothes that fit him, but then he is eating the bowl of potatoe chips in bed.
  • Cbeth80
    Cbeth80 Posts: 49
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    It will not work in the long run, bottom line. If you cannot be aligned on lifestyle choices, then there will always be a conflict of interest.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Maybe so long as the "home body" is comfortable with the active one going out with friends and groups in order to get that fun exercise.... but in my experience, probably not a great combo.
  • Phoenix_Rising
    Phoenix_Rising Posts: 11,417 Member
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    Is there something better out there or should I just be content since he does not cheat and is not physically abusive.

    Hmmm... I don't know you or your relationship very well, but, yes, there is something better out there. Just being a non-cheating non-abusive guy is not enough. You deserve someone who makes you happy. But perhaps there's a way to salvage your relationship?

    Good luck.

    Although my ex did cheat... and was not PHYSICALLY abusive... he did play emotional mind games. I often questioned if I should stay because even though his job didn't 'win the bread' he held a long term job, would cook if asked, would do dishes and laundry, was at home and not out spending money, etc.....

    But in the end, we only have one life to lead. Do you want to spend it 'settling' and being 'content', or do you want to chance and see if you have true happiness waiting on you out there?

    Fair warning: I left my husband 2 years ago. We have a child. I still have to deal with his ugly butt. He quickly replaced me with another stupid bread winning woman who thinks he might one day live up to the potential he contains but never utilizes. It hurt. I am still single, refusing to settle for whatever man appears but isn't right for me. I am still learning that I can be happy alone BUT my life is full of love and laughter with friends and family. And I would never do a single thing differently.

    It's about personal choices. Be happy with what you have, or make the decision to pursue a 'dream' of sorts. Neither way is wrong, per se.
  • crazymama2two
    crazymama2two Posts: 867
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    I workout, and my hubby doesn't...I watch what I eat, and he doesn't. He will walk with me sometimes. We have a wonderful time together...and spend all our time together. Just not working out! We have been happily married for 22 years.

    this is my husband and me except we've been married for 4 years ... altho to be honest this is the first time (65 days on MFP) that i've given a real gung ho true effort to my weight loss. my husband is not a couch potato, works outside climbing ladders etc. he hates the gym but i can't blame him. id love to put my HRM on him for a day at work and see what it says...hmm, good idea. yeah, he says he needs/wants to lose about 30 pounds but he's not a lazy man at all. so i guess i really dont know why im writing this LOL im so lame sorry :)
  • tvlagt
    tvlagt Posts: 6
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    The fact that he works nights has left me a lot of free time to be active and pursue fitness related interests, which is great. On Saturdays, even though he is home, I have double workouts in the morning. It has gotten to the point where we don't spend any time together at all.
    Another poster pointed out that we have other issues and I know that is true. He refuses to go to counseling, so not sure what I can do.

    Is there something better out there or should I just be content since he does not cheat and is not physically abusive.

    We have been together only 6 years (married 3.5). He was more receptive to trying new things and doing things together in the beginning, but that quickly disippated.


    I am sorry you are in a difficult position. Remember the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. (Sorry for the bad cliche') I added spaced in your quote so I can address them.

    1) When a couple work opposite shifts it makes it difficult on a relationship. It takes a lot of work and effort to keep the relationship going, more so than when the couple works similar shifts. This is very similar to a long distance relationship and because of the opposite shifts each individual in the couple fills their life with activities that do not include the other because they just are not available. You may need to schedule time to be with the other and participate in activites both enjoy together. It's a little like dating all over again.
    If you both have Saturday's off can you schedule your workouts for another day so Saturday can be a day you both spend together as a couple? Or here is a question, because you are unhappy with the way things are now, are you booking your Saturday full so you have an excuse not to be with your husband?

    2) Just because he refuses to go to counseling with you does not mean you can't go alone. A non-biased third party may be able to help you talk about issues you may have, problems you are experiencing at home in your marriage or at work or perhaps both. They can also help set realistic expectations. Sometimes men and women have totally opposite ideas of what marriage is. A good couselor can also help sort the difference between reality vs. fantasy on what married life really is.

    Can talk with your husband and have an open conversation? Can you say something like " I feel we are drifting apart and that upsets me. It is difficult with us both working opposite shifts to see each other and be together. I miss how we used to be. Do you think we can set aside Tuesday night and all day Saturday to spend with each other?" " I can give up one of my exercise classes on Saturday can you take time away from the PS3 to spend with me?" Also you could say something like, " I love you and I am concerned about your health. I know how difficult it can be to exercise with your schedule and our chaotic life do you think we can make healthier meals? Maybe eat more fish and fresh vegetables and less chips and steak?"

    Then again maybe you have emotionally detached from the relationship already and the unresloved issues are causing too much resentment between the two of you and it's too late. It sounds like you have already thought about leaving, how does that make you feel? Is it upsetting because you love your husband and it is going against every feeling to walk away from him, while just spending time with him makes your day? Or, does the idea of seperate lives and never seeing him again make you feel happy and positive? Is this just a difficult time that happens in a marriage but you know with effort you can make it through and have a happy healthy relationship?

    We can offer advice and support but only you can make the tough decisions. Sorry for the extremely long post. I've stood in your shoes and it is really tough. I also had three children to think about. I did walk away, a really tough decision but one I would make again, and in two weeks I will celebrate my 9th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband.

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