I need boyfriend advice.

ybba12490
ybba12490 Posts: 252
in Chit-Chat
I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 9 months. I love him more than anything; he is supportive, has a great sense of humor, is a hard worker, and is basically my other half. He does have some faults though, but who doesn't.

Anyway, things are pretty serious and we're already thinking ahead to living together and getting engaged sometime in the future (like 2-3 years). However, I've been thinking lately about breaking up with him. Not because I don't love him, but because we're quite different and he doesn't fulfill a lot of needs that I have.

I'm someone that wants to live in another country for a year, go to grad school, go out on weekends even if its just dinner and movie (which we never do), I want him to go the gym with me, I want to try new things, I want him to be more affectionate, I want him to tell me he loves me and that I'm beautiful more often, I want to go on vacations where we go hiking and camping.... I just want something more fulfilling. I want an active lifestyle where we are always enriching ourselves.

He is someone who goes to work, eats fast food, plays video games, lays in bed and watches movies, goes to sleep... even while I'm with him. It's like he doesn't appreciate me and doesn't feel he needs to TRY.

I have talked to him about all of the above and he says he will work on it but never does.

On one hand its like, "I'm young and I can date him just to date someone... why not?" but its already getting serious. I don't want to date him for another 2 years, have him propose, and then I have to figure all this out then when I had 2 years to end it. Even worse, I don't want to get married and then realize I've made a mistake and am unhappy. It's hard to change people's habits, and even when I ask him something simple like if we can eat at a sit-down restaurant, he will fuss and complain about how hes tired and how I'm sooo difficult and a brat.

I know it sounds silly to be upset over "small things" like going to dinner and movies, and planning vacations, but they are big things to me. I want to be in a fulfilling relationship where we're being active, being healthy, and learning new things.

I'm confused and lost as to what to do. Please help.
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Replies

  • timanda2
    timanda2 Posts: 149
    maybe you need to take a break
  • andipandi
    andipandi Posts: 91 Member
    sweetheart you are just a baby...you cannot change people only yourself...there's a whole world full of people to explore :heart:
  • Bluefaery
    Bluefaery Posts: 8
    Wow....

    Seriously, this is a no brainer. You have to break up with him. If you are not being fufilled, you will regret moving forward with him just to be polite. Then you will start to resent him and if you are an emotional eater, that horrible habit could come into play. It's going to hurt, but it's better to end things now before you decide against it.
  • mynameiscarrie
    mynameiscarrie Posts: 963 Member
    If you're thinking about breaking up with him, do NOT talk to him about moving in and getting engaged! That's leading him on! Talk to him again and see if he'll compromise. If he isn't will to compromise (you have to be willing to compromise too) then it isn't worth it. You can't expect him to change completely, you are two different people, but if he tries then that's what counts.
    Now if he doesn't try, there's no use attempting to fix something that isn't going to work.
  • green__bean
    green__bean Posts: 7
    I think you need to listen to yourself and do not ignore the red flags! If you are unhappy, leave. People don't usually change and it really isn't fair to expect him to. Don't make the mistake of being in a relationship where you are unhappy. You don't need to be with someone. Do some things by yourself, plan the trips, go out to dinner, get to know what you want and who and when the time comes, the right person will be there. Not someone you need to change. Someone you want in the first place. This is my advice. Trust me, I have made mistakes in this area. I just wish more people could get this message. Good luck.
  • brenda_71
    brenda_71 Posts: 151
    My husband doesn't like to go out or go on hikes etc. and we've been married about 18 years. They don't change!!
  • TiniTurtle
    TiniTurtle Posts: 595 Member
    read eat pray love. :o)
  • LovelySnugs
    LovelySnugs Posts: 389
    if he calls you a difficult brat for just wanting to go to a sit-down restaurant, it's probably a good thing you're having these thoughts now. the decision is yours to make, but trust me, alone is better than comfortable - when someone comes along who actually enriches and satisfies your life and the way you want to live, you may be much happier.

    on the other hand, your own goals may change with life. i know mine did. but there's gotta be some compromise.

    also, you say at the beginning that he's basically your other half, but say later on that he leaves your life unfulfilled and feels no need to try. those are very conflicting statements, and i think when you figure out where each one came from, and more importantly, which one is TRUE, you'll have your answer.
  • dawnw30
    dawnw30 Posts: 270
    You need to do what makes you happy. If you are questioning the relationship then you are not happy. Don't get yourself stuck in a miserable life. You don't need a partner to be happy...happiness comes from with in yourself.
  • missdune
    missdune Posts: 24 Member
    Move on sweetie. The world is big. Plenty of guys like doing what you like. Plenty of girls like what he likes. He can still be a great guy and not want the things in life you do and you can certainly love someone like this. But it is not a recipe for happiness. Walk away, cry a bit, then dry your tears and don't settle again for less than someone who sees the world the way you do.
  • missdune
    missdune Posts: 24 Member
    Move on sweetie. The world is big. Plenty of guys like doing what you like. Plenty of girls like what he likes. He can still be a great guy and not want the things in life you do and you can certainly love someone like this. But it is not a recipe for happiness. Walk away, cry a bit, then dry your tears and don't settle again for less than someone who sees the world the way you do.
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
    These are not small things you have mentioned. They are what he is made of. Take him as he is or don't take him. I recommend NOT.

    You have your order all messed up. You get engaged with a ring and a date. Then you get married. Then you move in together.

    With the things you have on your list to do, if you really want to do them, then walk away. No run away. He is not the right guy for you.

    Really you have answered you own question.


    Honey, It takes a very very good man to be better than no man at all.
  • mynameiscarrie
    mynameiscarrie Posts: 963 Member
    if he calls you a difficult brat for just wanting to go to a sit-down restaurant, it's probably a good thing you're having these thoughts now. the decision is yours to make, but trust me, alone is better than comfortable - when someone comes along who actually enriches and satisfies your life and the way you want to live, you may be much happier.

    on the other hand, your own goals may change with life. i know mine did. but there's gotta be some compromise.

    also, you say at the beginning that he's basically your other half, but say later on that he leaves your life unfulfilled and feels no need to try. those are very conflicting statements, and i think when you figure out where each one came from, and more importantly, which one is TRUE, you'll have your answer.


    i definitely agree with this... the last part especially...
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
    i would take it day by day.

    if you love him "more than anything" like you say you do, then it's important to really love him for who he is. however, you probably don't love him "more than anything" because that excludes you - which should always be your top priority.

    with that said, maybe the things you want to do are a fantasy; maybe you have an idea that you want to do these things, but in reality it's just something to daydream about. maybe you really DO want to do these things. maybe he does, too, but he doesn't know it yet.

    if it were me, i'd move in with him and see if that works. you may both find that neither of you are suitable cohabitants, in which case you can call off getting married; or, you may find that you're excellent cohabitants and you meshed perfectly into the solid unit you sometimes think you are.

    but if i'm giving advice to you, i'd say you should hold off on moving in with him only because once you do that, finances get mingled and bills mingle and before you know it, you're kind of solid without intention.

    one thing i have learned over my years is to not try to fit a person into my ideal. i was married for a long time and when we split up i realized that i was laying all this pressure on my husband to be somebody he clearly was not. that wasn't his fault; it was mine.

    so keep all this in mind. you're young. you'll figure it out.
  • missdune
    missdune Posts: 24 Member
    Sorry for the duplicate post. No idea how *that* happened.
  • manymuses
    manymuses Posts: 162 Member
    You need more than what he is willing/able to be for you. He does not sound nearly as mature or motivated as you are at this phase of your life.

    Get out and see the world. Grab hold of life and really LIVE. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen. MAKE the life you want. Trust me on this. I did it!

    xx
  • missdune
    missdune Posts: 24 Member
    :smile: Exactly!
  • Hannaca1992
    Hannaca1992 Posts: 20
    I get some of what you're saying. I love travel, I'm going to university, I love walking, and I like going out.
    My boyfriend likes video games, fast food, relaxing.

    But we've been together for almost 4 years, and I love him so much.

    There's nothing wrong with the two of you being different, it's just about finding a balance between your life and his.
    For example, I really wanted to go to Paris, and see all the amazing buildings and keep busy. The compromise was that we got to spend time relaxing too.
    The fact is, if he is thinking of moving in with you and proposing ect, then he really cares about you, it's not something most people do lightly. And though you feel unappreciated, perhaps he does too? Maybe he feels you have no effort to understand his need to relax.
    If you really love him like you say, then this will balance itself out with a bit of work. But something like a marriage, and taking the relationship further, maybe you should take some time to really think about it, if you're not sure.

    I really hope this works out for you (: Good luck ^^ x
  • allroundthesun
    allroundthesun Posts: 290
    I think you already know what the right thing for you to do for yourself is. I'm sorry, this kind of thing is so hard. *hug*

    :heart: -- Juliet
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
    read eat pray love. :o)

    such a cheesy book/ movie, though, full of totally privileged upper-middle class "american" ideals.
  • kettlewitch
    kettlewitch Posts: 277 Member
    My husband drives me mental. He's messy, rubbish at DIY and just a general scruff who eats crisps all day.
    My husband works hard, doesn't drink excessively, doesn't gamble, would never dream of raising a hand to me and makes a good cup of tea. He takes out the rubbish, shops if I ask him, always pops into lush to get me bath bombs if he's in town. He isn't perfect but he loves me. If you are asking this question then maybe you know he isn't right for you, but if you'd expect perfection then ably won't happen
  • CallejaFairey
    CallejaFairey Posts: 391 Member
    it's not silly to be upset over the small things, cause sometimes it's the small things that help to keep people together. i like the little things too. it shows that the other person is thinking of you. cause a lot of the big things are just expected and done without thinking...lol.

    when you sat down and talked to him, did you really make him believe you are having a problem with all those things? even then, he will only change if he truly wants to, and not because he loves you. we girls tend to start thinking that our partner should change just because we want them to. i certainly am guilty of thinking it. but changes don't happen overnight. i would give him a little longer.

    but in the end, you have to do what will work best for you. can you be happy with him as he is, cause honestly, that is the big question. don't expect someone to change cause you asked.

    be honest with yourself, you will know what is best for you.
  • allroundthesun
    allroundthesun Posts: 290
    read eat pray love. :o)

    such a cheesy book/ movie, though, full of totally privileged upper-middle class "american" ideals.

    Amen! I'd suggest NOT reading it.
  • JodiS75
    JodiS75 Posts: 284
    I've been there....they're not little things, they're life things. Don't settle. I got all those things the second time around and have never been happier. The right one is out there.
  • savagestephanie
    savagestephanie Posts: 1
    If you are thinking of breaking up now Do It!!! Life is to short to wonder, wait and worry. It seems that you do love him and don't want to hurt him but in the mean time you are putting yourself on the back burner. I was with my ex for 12 years and always thought I could get him to tell me that he loved me more or get a job. I think that you should move on you gave plenty of good reasons of why you should already be single. If I were in your shoes I would leave before you get even more serious. Maybe you are in this relationship to know what you don't want in a partner.
  • hinesjared87
    hinesjared87 Posts: 16
    i feel like i would get along with both of you. i'm in law school now, and have always wanted to move to another country, not necessarily for life, just for the experience. on the other hand, one of my biggest hobbies is video games! does he like sports? tell him i played d1 football! haha
  • NoExcuseTina
    NoExcuseTina Posts: 506 Member
    it is not silly to be upset over the "silly" or "little" things...the "big" things usually can be forgiven because they usually only happen ONCE...it IS the small things that break up marriages since they are usually happening every single day

    having said that...my only advice to you is to pray about it...ask God to show you your path!
  • TLC1975
    TLC1975 Posts: 146 Member
    Sounds like my relationship with my ex-husband...emphasis on the "EX"...only I made the mistake of getting married and having two children with him...I was young and nieve...listen to your heart and don't ignore the signals...
    All the best!
  • NoExcuseTina
    NoExcuseTina Posts: 506 Member
    oops...must have clicked submit twice
  • CakeFit21
    CakeFit21 Posts: 2,521 Member
    You are not lost or confused. You are a very smart girl who can see the writing on the wall. What you are is afraid. You are afraid to let him go because he makes you feel good SOMETIMES. You know what exactly what you need to do. You need to be strong, and live in another country, go to grad school and find someone who enriches your life and feels the same way about you. Stop being afraid and prepare to move into the next phase of your life. It will be hard, but you will be stronger for it.
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