I need boyfriend advice.

24

Replies

  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
    I think you already know the answer to this. This is just my opinion, but you guys don't sound compatible at all and it's unfair to try and change him. I say get out of it before things get stickier. Date other guys "just to date" maybe ones your more compatible with....one of them might be your perfect match! This is possibly the rest of your life we are talking about here. You may think you will end it later, but feelings get stronger and it gets harder.
  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
    You are not lost or confused. You are a very smart girl who can see the writing on the wall. What you are is afraid.

    totally agreed. it's hard to be the breaker-upper. way harder than being the broken-up-with.
  • KickassYas
    KickassYas Posts: 397 Member
    maybe you need to take a break

    BAM!!! first answer out the box.

    honestly even if you do love him it sounds as if he's not into making it worth your while. just imagine living with his lack of enthusiasm and support for you, your entire life. or at least for the next 10 years... i tihnk you'll be heading for a real depressing road and you deserve better than that. maybe you do need to take a break. if he loves you he will try harder. if he doesn't love you more than his own laziness, well.. you're better off.
  • iCatherine
    iCatherine Posts: 3
    you answered your own question already darling. leave him, don't lead him on.

    if you want a more active life& he doesn't - he's not what you want.

    you'll figure this out. <3
  • LuckyLeprechaun
    LuckyLeprechaun Posts: 6,296 Member
    go find your match. This guy isn't it. A lot of times when we're young we get the idea that we have to wait to break up with someone because things are awful, or you hate that person. That's not the only time you can break up with someone. When you look at someone and you say to yourself, this guy may be the perfect husband for someone, but that is not me, then I think you owe it to yourself and the other person to stop wasting each other's time with someone who isn't a good match for you. If you just want to keep him so you aren't alone, that's kind of unfair to him, and to yourself, because you won't meet the right guy while this one is still in the picture.

    The coolest thing about being 21 is you will spend the next decade learning SO much about yourself, what you want, deciphering and refining who you really are and who you want to be as a woman. And we all make mistakes through that journey and change our minds and figure stuff out. :flowerforyou:
  • beatlemom
    beatlemom Posts: 250 Member
    My Grandmother always told me: "Marry someone you could enjoy doing things with when the romance wears off. Follow your dreams. People are who they are and seldom change."
    Boy was she right! I am glad I took her advise.
    You should follow your heart and your dreams and not sacrifice your happiness to ensure someone else's.
  • jtsmou
    jtsmou Posts: 503 Member
    Save this poor sap all the trouble you're going to cause him and break it off now.
  • kimberly711
    kimberly711 Posts: 4
    Alot of people will say to talk to him and when your married go talk to someone before you get divorced. My advice is this ; If your not feeling loved now after nine months it will get much worse. It is very important when your a couple to enjoy the same things together and those things that you like will change. That keeps couples enjoying new and different things together. My girlfriend is a great person I have know her since we were twelve. She had several nice boyfriends, but much to our surprise married a man who loved to sit around and watch sports (any sports) and play viedo games.Don't get me wrong they live in a nice house and he has a good job and so does she. She now is married to a man that does the samethings he did....surprise! The only difference is when she brings these things up to him (alot of what you mentioned ) he tells her she is nagging at him and it has put an even further distance between them! So now the things that bothered her are worse. On a positive note I have friends that married their best friends and share things together and have alot of respect for each other ( and it came natural to them from the very start) and to this day they are the same great couple. Life is a choice and no one can live it for you ,but the choices you make now can set up a life of great happiness or one of disapointments. I think it's great you are smart enough and strong enough to recongize future problems. I say go for your best friend that makes you feel loved and likes doing the same things as you.
  • AngelicaDulas
    AngelicaDulas Posts: 196
    PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE check out this web site. It's by the man Gary Chapman and it talks about the "5 Love Languages" and how this is the reason so many marriages work or fail. If after you've read through it and taken the quiz, you realize there are too many things he's not doing to fulfill you, or vise versa, then you'll have a basis to think about the decisions ahead. best luck honey, no one can make this decision for you!

    http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Listen to your instincts. It's probably time to let go. Just because someone is a good guy it doesn't mean he's the good guy for you. Best of luck to you.
  • ChelseyGray
    ChelseyGray Posts: 37
    Okay, okay. This may be long.. but take the time to read this.
    I dated a guy who sounded JUST LIKE THAT. And it all started about 6 month into the relationship. I was 17 and I thought I loved him and we always talked about the future, but he didn't want to do things. He hated to travel, he didn't like my friends, he loved video games and sleep.
    I thought I could change him. It started out as "Please, you need to do things with me. I'm bored, I need to do stuff."
    And he would, for like a week. Then go back.
    Two years later.. it was a conversation we were having daily. "LOOK.. I WILL break up with you if you can't do what I NEED you to do. I'm sick of this! I can't stand this!"
    I can look back and picture myself in his car, bawling.. outside of my house because I made him take me home since I was so bored and sick of him.
    Then one day.. he called and asked me to come over and I said "We really just need to talk.."
    And I broke up with him. I just couldn't deal with all the thoughts I was having. What if I wasn't with him? What if I didn't have to deal with the bull every day? How much happier would I be.

    We broke up a year and a half ago.
    Now, I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year. Guess what? We are going out of town to a spa at the end of the month, we are going to Mexico in July, we go to the gym together, he is romantic & we talk about the future and he always asks me to go on dates.

    You can't change him. He has to want to change, and what are the chances of him wanting to change?
    Do what is best for you.
  • allroundthesun
    allroundthesun Posts: 290
    You have your order all messed up. You get engged with a ring and a date. Then you get married. Then you move in together.

    For SOME people, this order is what works and makes them happy, and more power to them! :bigsmile:

    For other people, a different order, or even the removal of one or more of those elements from the order is what works and makes them happy. More power to them, too! :happy:

    To each their own, and good for each and every person person who does what works for THEM in THEIR own life! How about trying to cut back on smacking people over the head with your personal ideals, letting go of the idea that your way is the only way, and embracing the concept that different scenarios work for different people/couples, there's no one right way to do things, and that's okay; in fact not just okay, a good thing! :smile: :flowerforyou:

    :heart: -- Juliet
  • allroundthesun
    allroundthesun Posts: 290
    You are not lost or confused. You are a very smart girl who can see the writing on the wall. What you are is afraid. You are afraid to let him go because he makes you feel good SOMETIMES. You know what exactly what you need to do. You need to be strong, and live in another country, go to grad school and find someone who enriches your life and feels the same way about you. Stop being afraid and prepare to move into the next phase of your life. It will be hard, but you will be stronger for it.

    I could not agree more!
  • elliecolorado
    elliecolorado Posts: 1,040
    I'm not going to say that you need to break up with him, but I will say you need to look at what you really want and decide how important it is to you. I know from experience that it doesn't get better, it usually just gets worse. I felt the same way that you do and after I spent 2 years with the guy it finally hit me that I wanted more than I would ever have with him. During the first year it was 'little things' like not going out, but over the next year it got worse and I was more and more unhappy. I loved him and I still do, but I knew that I couldn't keep spending my life having to give up things I wanted to be with him. Just think about what you want, and if you can get it being with this guy.
  • ddrobins1956
    ddrobins1956 Posts: 36
    There is a man out there waiting for you, just you and just the way you are. He will like a lot of the same things that you like and you'll have fun just being together. It will be easy to be happy with him and you will not feel like he needs to change to make you happy. Don't settle. Keep searching and when you find the right guy, you'll know its him.
  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
    You have your order all messed up. You get engaged with a ring and a date. Then you get married. Then you move in together.

    This idea is pretty outdated. Like the girl above said, if it works for you....great, but it doesn't always work like that anymore and it doesn't NEED to. Many people live together before they get married and it is a very smart thing for them to do. Some people chose to NEVER get married and that is ok too.
  • fallenmack1989
    fallenmack1989 Posts: 30
    i know this isn't probably what you want to hear but I would say that while you think you love him, you probably don't. 9 months is a very short time to get to know somebody enough to love them more than anything. Also, if you don't have common goals and he doesn't fulfill your needs then you could merely be in "puppy love". I was in a relationship just like what your describing right now and It eventually got to the point where we were more like friends than partners and when you don't have alot in common, this is usually what ends up happening. While I know it will be hard and you probably don't want to hurt him, you need to think about who would be best for you, and obviously you know thats not him if you have these differences.

    You should sit down and write down all the qualities that you want in a man and what you want to do with that man(ergo hiking, going to gym, etc.) and hang it up somewhere in your house where you go everyday, whether its right next to your computer, or on your fridge. Then everyday, read what you wrote down, and make a note to say outloud "World, I want this man, and I know you will find him for me. I have faith." or something like that. You deserve to have that perfect man for you, and you should never settle for anything less.
  • higgldy_piggldy
    higgldy_piggldy Posts: 37
    Think of it this way. Are the the things he does or doesn't do going to breed resentment? Will you or have you already started finding the things that were once endearing totally obnoxious and irritating? If these questions are both yes...it might be time to end things.

    Compromising is a part of every relationship. There will always be at least one thing that you're a little 'meh' about the person you're with. You need to decide for yourself what you will accept and what you won't....Then you'll know.
  • ColeyBear08
    ColeyBear08 Posts: 495 Member
    I'm 20 and have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 5 months. We go to college in separate places and there isn't a day that we've been dating that we haven't called each other. We too have been talking about living together and soon after (2 years-ish) getting engaged since he is graduating next semester and going to the police academy. Honestly if you don't feel like you can't live without him and that every minute you spend together is a moment you enjoy then he's not the one for you. Remember marriage is FOREVER (at least in my book) so make sure you're married to, literally, your best friend. Hope that helps
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
    Relationships are all about compromise, but really, if you have nothing in common then you either ACCEPT that or move on. He definitely wont change!

    I've known relationships to work with no common ground. I've also known them to fail. I guess it depends on what you can and can't live with/without.

    Good luck :flowerforyou:
  • pyro13g
    pyro13g Posts: 1,127 Member
    Big personality difference. Been there. I suggest breaking up and dating lot's of guys. Easier to to find someone more compatible than work it out withing a relationship. You're young, if it's not clicking really well than just move on.
  • Time2BSkinny
    Time2BSkinny Posts: 91
    sweetheart you are just a baby...you cannot change people only yourself...there's a whole world full of people to explore :heart:

    agree completely!!!
  • WarmDontBurn
    WarmDontBurn Posts: 1,253 Member
    Take a break. You are young and have your life to live. If he is the one then once you have lived a little you will find eachother again. My husband and I met in high school we lost touch for 10 years both got engaged to other people yet never went through with it. 10 years later we reconnected and got married the following year.

    With marriage comes some comfort and if he is already a relaxed kind of guy I don't see that changing much. You may settle down a bit as you get older but I doubt he will be the hiker, traveller you see.
  • pandafoo
    pandafoo Posts: 367 Member
    my heart really goes out to you. take some time to find out what your heart is telling you. it's important to be true to yourself, and ask whether you're settling, making excuses for him, or rationalizing whether his traits "aren't a big deal" when in fact they are.

    i was engaged last year, but altho i loved him so much, he did things that hurt me incredibly much. to be fair, i'd also done things to wrong him, yet i made excuses for him and second guessed what i thought was important in a man. in the end, i knew i was only being unfair to myself, and decided to end the engagement. that was 4 months ago, and i know without a doubt that was the right decision. there was just a gut feeling that i listened to.

    i do believe any couple can improve from better communication and of course no one is perfect. fundamentally, people also do not change. but above all, i think it's most important to listen to your gut. as much as you may be secondguessing yourself and wondering whether these "small things" should be a big deal, your gut feeling will not go away and that is a reflection of what you know to be true.

    be brave and pursue what's important to you. so much of your life is ahead of you - go after your dreams and eventually you'll meet a guy of your dreams who will be a perfect companion in life for you. :)
  • Sandman978
    Sandman978 Posts: 21
    Best to break it off now. There is no nice way of putting it. You want different things than what he wants. He might want out also and he just doesn't want to say it. But better to do it now than to regret it later. Good luck and God Bless.
  • Lizzy_Sunflower
    Lizzy_Sunflower Posts: 1,510 Member
    It is important to identify these habits or patterns he (or anyone you date) early on. These things will not go away. So if you can not cope with them I suggest you do the most humane thing for the both of you and move on. No reason to settle just because you are comfortable. It doesn't mean you don't love him. But you need to be fair here. To the both of you.
  • wanttogetskinny
    wanttogetskinny Posts: 194
    It sounds like you've made up your mind that you want to break up, but are trying to convince yourself it's NOT what you want because you love him.

    You are young, there is a lot you want in life, and you DESERVE to have what you want in life and to find someone to SHARE those things with you. It will undoubtedly be hard to let him go, no one is denying that. But it sounds like you'd be better off without him, at least for now while you have so much 'living' to do!
  • ybba12490
    ybba12490 Posts: 252
    also, you say at the beginning that he's basically your other half, but say later on that he leaves your life unfulfilled and feels no need to try. those are very conflicting statements, and i think when you figure out where each one came from, and more importantly, which one is TRUE, you'll have your answer.

    I guess I meant "other half" as in our personalities are very compatible together. we just want different things. and BUMP, I need to read all these later, I wasn't expecting so many responses! Thanks everyone!
  • marshallmat
    marshallmat Posts: 11 Member
    It's time for a change before this relationship goes further . You deserve everything you want and there is someone out there that's wants the same things as you. I say end it and put yourself first!!
  • deema79
    deema79 Posts: 108
    You know the answer already. The right thing to do is to break up. Dont string him along. You obviously want to live your life and have fun. Its what youre supposed to do, dont limit yourself to this one guy! That doesnt mean go wild out, it means have fun but be responsible while doing it.
    Good Luck.
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