OT: Sort of...WWYD about "insulting friend" who contacted me
30togomoveit
Posts: 116 Member
I will copy/past some back history on here: Some of you may remember reading this before but wanted an "updated opinion"on a call I got from her yesterday.
Here is the copy/paste from Last July:
My friend of 30+ yrs (we are 38), feels it's ok, I guess, maybe b/c I let it go most times, to make rude comments to me. Wether it's about weight/WW/food/my gym activity. She has been unsupportive in the past. Do I expect her to be on board w/ all of my activities? No, but I do expect to be RESPECTED and her not be rude! I need to finally put my foot down and tell her. Passing comments do NOT work w/ her. You have to be blunt. Here is what set it off today!
She just moved in w/ new beau and wanted me to meet him and see her/their new place. I went w/ the kids (9 & 4 yr old twins). She found a bag of stocking type toys for Xmas. One of them (well, 3, 1 toy for each kid) were those "pooping" candy type toys. A cow, a pig and a monkey. She says to me:
You don't need to go to Weight Watchers, just have hubby play this for you. The held up the oinking pig toy. I said: I think I would just throw it across the room. (in a nice way, I told her I didn't find her comment funny at all). Her BF didn't laugh, she's the only a***** who laughed!
In front of my 3 kids and her new BF that I met 5 min ago?? REALLY?? Thanks! I am going to sit down and write her a letter about the past yr as I have let it go that long, or more!
Am I being too sensitive or is she just being an A**???
Update: yesterday she called to tell me that she and BF got engaged. (Good for her but I'm still un-sure of what to do...do I want her drama again..although it would only go SO far this time around). Part of me wonders if she would really change her comments to me or not as I'm not the only one that she's made comments to. She's done it to people at her employment.
Just when I had thought to "maybe" re-connect w/ her around November or so...a mutual friend of ours told me that he had seen her and she told him that I was "being over-sensitive and that she was only joking."
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Here is the copy/paste from Last July:
My friend of 30+ yrs (we are 38), feels it's ok, I guess, maybe b/c I let it go most times, to make rude comments to me. Wether it's about weight/WW/food/my gym activity. She has been unsupportive in the past. Do I expect her to be on board w/ all of my activities? No, but I do expect to be RESPECTED and her not be rude! I need to finally put my foot down and tell her. Passing comments do NOT work w/ her. You have to be blunt. Here is what set it off today!
She just moved in w/ new beau and wanted me to meet him and see her/their new place. I went w/ the kids (9 & 4 yr old twins). She found a bag of stocking type toys for Xmas. One of them (well, 3, 1 toy for each kid) were those "pooping" candy type toys. A cow, a pig and a monkey. She says to me:
You don't need to go to Weight Watchers, just have hubby play this for you. The held up the oinking pig toy. I said: I think I would just throw it across the room. (in a nice way, I told her I didn't find her comment funny at all). Her BF didn't laugh, she's the only a***** who laughed!
In front of my 3 kids and her new BF that I met 5 min ago?? REALLY?? Thanks! I am going to sit down and write her a letter about the past yr as I have let it go that long, or more!
Am I being too sensitive or is she just being an A**???
Update: yesterday she called to tell me that she and BF got engaged. (Good for her but I'm still un-sure of what to do...do I want her drama again..although it would only go SO far this time around). Part of me wonders if she would really change her comments to me or not as I'm not the only one that she's made comments to. She's done it to people at her employment.
Just when I had thought to "maybe" re-connect w/ her around November or so...a mutual friend of ours told me that he had seen her and she told him that I was "being over-sensitive and that she was only joking."
Thanks for reading if you got this far.
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Replies
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Hi -
Just my opinion here, but you really don't need to be spending time with people who don't respect you. I think it is as simple as that. TRUE friends can joke with each other, but they know when not to cross the line.
To me, it sounds like you need to move on from her. Personally, no, I don't think you are being too sensitive.
Grace0 -
Any friend that can be that rude to you needs to be called out. Depending on her reaction then decide if you have the time and energy to work on that friendship. Y'all are in different places, with you having a family and her just getting engaged. Perhaps, for now, the friendship has run it's course. That doesn't mean you won't reconnect some day but is she someone to devote so much time, energy and thought too if she is so rude? what do you get out of the friendship that would make keeping her worth while? My attitude may be while i have a small number of very close friends, however we would all walk through fire for each other and I'd rather have one great friend then 20 just ok ones.0
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WOW. I am wondering why anyone would put up with that??? And then come back for more? If it was me, I would voice my opinion and how it is unacceptable because NOBODY deserves to be treated like that. And then I would walk. Away. Far, far away. This person obviously has issues if she is demeaning her in front of others, so she is not worth her time.0
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I'm all for funny stuff, but what your "friend" is saying is NOT funny! Time to let her go...just my opinion.0
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I'm so sorry that you are having to experience this especially with someone who you consider a friend and have known for so many years. I'm not in your situation, but if I was I think I'd have to be honest about how her comments make me feel. I think that you should explain to her the positives (if there are any) of the friendship you all have and then talk about how her comments impact you and your desire to continue the friendship. Explain to her that as a friend she should be supportive and what "supportive" looks like to you. I'd go back to the old saying as well 'if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all'.
Hopefully your family is supportive of you. It's hard to make changes in your life when someone is constantly putting you down. Stay focused and you'll meet your goal!!
Good luck0 -
Wow, can you say "passive aggressive"? This is no true friend, she sounds like the type of person who likes to pull herself up by pushing others down. She obviously has her own issues and is probably very insecure in her own skin. Sometimes we have to end toxic relationships no matter how long we have known the other person. By the way, I really can't think of anything more insulting than calling another human being a pig. And don't fool yourself, that is exactly what she was trying to do.0
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Thanks! That is how I feel too but also..part of me wonders where we draw the line of "forgive and forget."
I think if I wasn't part of her wedding..it would put it into perspective for her. She always said I would be 1 of the 2 girls she would have stand up for her!
Part of me wants to say: Since I haven't lost much weight since I last saw you I wonder if that's not good enough for you." But I know this is not the mature way to deal with it.0 -
Drop her like a bad habit and if she asks, just say, "I am on the road to a more positive life and your comments, whether intended to be funny or mean or anything else, hurt my feelings and don't feel like something I want to include in my life. If you want to be friends in the future, I will certainly consider it, but right now I think it will be difficult for me to forgive your hurtful comments without feeling like I accept your words. Congratulations on your engagement and a happy life together." Buh Bye!
Until she can be respectful and reply with "sorry" rather than "I was only joking," she is a drain on your life. Call her when you know you are confident enough in yourself to let her back in. It's hard enough to do what we are doing when everything is going well. Mean people only hurt us more!
Best of luck with everything!
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LOL..I have told her before that she's passive/aggressive! She had thanked me for pointing it out as it made her realize "stuff" about herself. That was before the nasty comments though so I guess she didn't realize enough!
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She sounds toxic to YOUR well being. The way I look at relationships is this: All relationships end....someone either dies or they go away. It's realistic but harsh. I had a long time friend that wasn't a really good friend to me and many times, I made the comment, "If she was my boyfriend, I'd have broke up with her along time ago!" Sometimes, you just have to move on. And we have known each other since we were 4. Just because you have a past together, does not guarantee a future together. Good luck. I know it's difficult, whatever you decide to do.0
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Okay- I just saw that you are likely going to be part of her wedding. I know this is easier to say than to do, but I would tell her no. Good luck!0
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I might be playing devil's advocate here, because I don't know the entire situation. If she has made rude unsupportive comments to you many many times, and this was just an example of one of them, then yes, I would say DUMP HER! But, if this was an isolated incident, I think you're over-reacting. I wouldn't put up with anyone disrespecting me on a regular basis, but if it's not a normal occurrence, ending a friendship of 30+ years over one rude comment is petty. You've got to weigh the importance of your friendship over the comment(s) and decide which is more important... making your point or keeping your friend.0
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To me, she seems completely toxic to you & your journey to better health. If it was a joke EVERYONE would be laughing, not just her.0
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Doesn't sound like a very good friend to me. She knows what she's saying... Don't let someone like her walk all over you. It's not worth it, and there are a lot of other people out there with a genuine and supportive friendship to offer. In my opinion, I wouldn't give her the time of day.. and I wouldn't feel bad about it either. Tell her how you feel. If she continues with the rude remarks, move on.0
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You said she has done this to others, including co-workers. Which says to me that its not personal and she probably does think it's funny (and not in a mean way but really a ha ha! funny). Which also tells me no one has taken her in hand and had that hard conversation with her and tried to explain to her why it's not funny and what other approaches might be more appropriate. So, that's one part.
The other part is what value does she bring to your life? Obviously something if you've continued the friendship in spite of her terrible comments. Is the value she brings worth you trying ot "train" her out of these behaviors and teach her what respect and consideration look like and what they feel like?
Only you can determine really what you should do with this person and whether or not they're in your life - but if she's bringing more negative than positive, then I'd probably suggest that it's time for a break; just be sure you tell her why and let her know that if she learns to modify her behaviors, you'll be happy to try again but for now, thsi isn't a friendship that's working for you.
Good luck.0 -
Hi -
Just my opinion here, but you really don't need to be spending time with people who don't respect you. I think it is as simple as that. TRUE friends can joke with each other, but they know when not to cross the line.
To me, it sounds like you need to move on from her. Personally, no, I don't think you are being too sensitive.
Grace
Before I read this reply I was thinking the very same thing. Telling her your feelings will go nowhere. You might feel better in letting her know, but it will hit a brick wall because she will interpret it as "you have a problem and you need to lighten up." I have been told I am too sensitive before - when someone makes rude remarks to me before. My personal opinion is to just step back. She isn't someone you can confide in and she'll never get it. She was probably rude all of her life if you look back. Yes, it is a shame to lose that old of a friendship, but she isn't your friend. She must have the need to be rude to everyone in her life if others think the same thing. Good luck on her fiance, too. She'll be directing it at him soon enough. Be busy, let the answering machines pick up. You don't need to be her whipping post. She'll talk about you regardless, but eventually she'll find a newer more current target if you arent around. In the mean time, spend time with people who love you, care for you, and treat you like a human being.
Wish her good luck and be busy on the day she gets married, has a shower, whatever. Or just never return her calls. Then see who is sensitive! Your "freind" is a jerk!0 -
I say drop her. Maybe reconnect later if she has a *genuine* apology to make, and actually realises how offensive and hurtful what she said was. I think she does already though. She sounds like the kind of friend who will say mean things "jokingly" as a way to feel better about herself. The thing is, even though you've known each other all these years, that's no reason to keep on being friends if she's not acting like one. Ask yourself if you met for the first time now, would you become friends? Would you be able to overlook her poor behaviour?0
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If I were in your position I don't think I could be friends with this person anymore.Although I realize you have been friends forever and a day...to me a huge part of being friends is actually getting to know someone and knowing what you can say and what you can't. Just my opinion though..wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do 0
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Thanks! That is how I feel too but also..part of me wonders where we draw the line of "forgive and forget."
I think if I wasn't part of her wedding..it would put it into perspective for her. She always said I would be 1 of the 2 girls she would have stand up for her!
Part of me wants to say: Since I haven't lost much weight since I last saw you I wonder if that's not good enough for you." But I know this is not the mature way to deal with it.
You can back out of her wedding. It's her wedding, not yours. IT's also her problem. IT isn't aboaut whether you are good enough for her, it is about whether she is good enough for you. YOU are the important one here. If you think she is high drama now, wait until her wedding gets closer. Tell her now you can't be in it, etc. My opinion.0 -
Thank you are all the positive comments! This is why I love this site..not just for support on weight loss but on other stuff! Sometimes an objective opinion is what one really needs to hear!0
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Very well put.Drop her like a bad habit and if she asks, just say, "I am on the road to a more positive life and your comments, whether intended to be funny or mean or anything else, hurt my feelings and don't feel like something I want to include in my life. If you want to be friends in the future, I will certainly consider it, but right now I think it will be difficult for me to forgive your hurtful comments without feeling like I accept your words. Congratulations on your engagement and a happy life together." Buh Bye!
Until she can be respectful and reply with "sorry" rather than "I was only joking," she is a drain on your life. Call her when you know you are confident enough in yourself to let her back in. It's hard enough to do what we are doing when everything is going well. Mean people only hurt us more!
Best of luck with everything!0 -
Thanks! That is how I feel too but also..part of me wonders where we draw the line of "forgive and forget."
Honestly I don't think this is an issue of "forgive and forget". You can forgive someone and STILL not be friends with her. Just because you want to remove negative things (people included) from your life doesn't mean you don't forgive them, it just means you are doing what is best for YOU. It also doesn't mean you can't still be sympathetic for her because you KNOW in your heart if she continues with this behavior she will never be able to have a true friend, which is sad but doesn't mean you need to expose yourself to negative behavio just so she can have a friend. I know the bible says to forgive but no where do I remember reading where it says you have to stay around them. JMO0 -
Oh she hasn't asked me to officially be in the wedding now that she's engaged. I was just saying that growing up or even before I let her know my true feelings...she always told me I'd be in her wedding "someday" when she found the right one to marry!
Unfortunately, this was not an isolated incident but I'd say it was the worst comment thus far!
I do believe that she is one that is not confident in her own skin! She feels this crazy need to bring others down. Crazy enough, I know people in real life that I have only known a very short time (either thru WW or meeting them at the gym) that I would NEVER talk to this way, and we aren't even best friends! That just puts it into perspective for me!
This "friend" has a medical condition that has required steroids to control it when it flares up. The steriods have caused her to gain weight in the past! I NEVER once said a word to her about that!! NEVER!!!
I have been struggling w/ my weight loss (been up and down the past 3 yrs) but NO ONE has said..WOW..you really aren't doing well on WW, are you! So...why should she get away w/ it!
thanks for opening the doors for me w/ all of the input! I really don't know why i feel a slight obligation to her b/c I don't need her drama. I think it really boils down to the TIME that we have known each other. I don't know why that keeps weighing on me. It shouldn't since she doesn't value the time that we have known each other.
Thanks again!0 -
girl you dont need someone who is going to treat you like ****, with everything you do.
my best friend did that to me.
i let it go.. and not only that. she the one that broke of the friendship over and over and over again.
until this last one i finally said no.
and she always has to say something about me... like im being immature about things and how she thinks im the pathetic one. when in reality i never said anything to her. nothing negative, i was not being opinionated, and nor was i being rude. she was the rude one.
you dont need someone who constantly putting you down, or make you less than your really. are. you need to be around people who wants a better life and a healthier life.
here a quote: "Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." — Mark Twain0 -
Wow! I have an ex-best friend exactly like that. Sometimes, no matter what kind of history you have, you just have to break off ties for your own sanity and happiness. I've learned over the years that real friends will always be encouraging no matter what. Real friends want you to succeed and be happy because they care about you.
You are not being over-sensitive at all! That's just plain rude! You need to surround yourself with people who have positive energy and can offer you encouragement, love and support because people with negative energy will bring you down with them. That's their goal in life, to make everyone as miserable as they are. She may be disguising her jealousy/misery/whatever as passive aggressive joking. If she wants to be a mean, miserable person, let her do it in the world she's created for herself. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment and you're right not to speak to her.0 -
I know I already commented, but I also wanted to add that you sound like a genuinely nice person. And sometimes people mistake kindness for weakness. She is obviously used to saying whatever she wants without any repercussions. This actually feeds the monster, so to speak. I don't think that ANYTHING you say will change how she treats you. Remember that we can't control anyone's behavior but our own. You definitely deserve better than what she has to offer.0
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