I need boyfriend advice.

13

Replies

  • kayemme
    kayemme Posts: 1,782 Member
    to those that said that "he won't change" ... that's not entirely true. we all change over time... but you may or may not like the changes.

    if you really do love him, give him a chance. but i have a feeling you are just afraid to break up with him - maybe you don't want to hurt his feelings (this is very common for your age, but if you can get over that hump, then it makes dating a lot more simple).

    don't settle on account of feelings is all i've gotta say
  • callipygianchronicle
    callipygianchronicle Posts: 811 Member
    I have been married for 14 years. I got married when I was 21. All I can say is, that when you know, you know. You don’t have to ask for advice. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. When you have found the other half of your heart living inside another person’s body, you recognize it. You claim it for your own. And there is no one and no thing that will keep you from it.

    My husband and I are very different. We do not share the same life goals. We are not entertained by the exact same things. But we connect on a deep level, and I knew it within hours of meeting him.

    It doesn’t take years to know if someone *has* to be in your life. You know when they are essential. You know when they connect with you in the deepest regions of your heart. I wouldn’t make any plans to spend my life with someone who fails to do this. And I probably wouldn’t spend months and years waiting to do what my heart is telling me to do today.
  • spcopps
    spcopps Posts: 283
    DH and I have been married over 10 years and are as different as night and day! He likes to stay home, work on his computer, go to bed AT dark and get up at daylight. I like to travel and "sight see" when on vacation and eat out and do things every weekend. BUT this works for us...Sometimes he goes with me on the weekends but other times he stays home (with the kids) which gives me some me time. When we travel I pick WHERE we go and a few sight seeing days but I always allow him time to relax. We do go out to dinner some together but if he doesn't want to I just go the next time I am out by myself. Do you have a girlfriend you could do some of these trips with?? I wanted to go to Vegas, he didn't, so I left him at home and my SIL and I went for a week without kids or husbands and had a nice girls only trip. However, if he is the jealous type and will prevent you from going by yourself just because he doesn't want to go, then this is something you REALLY need to think about before moving ahead in your relationship. JMO
  • ProudMomoftwo
    ProudMomoftwo Posts: 525
    :flowerforyou:
    I feel for you. This kind of thing is always difficult.

    You are young and if you want to travel and have adventures, then now is the time to do it.
    You won't 'get around to it' if you don't.
    Get your schooling, have your adventure, have your fun, find yourself and be the YOU that you want to be.
    If you want to be fun and active and adventurous, then you need to do it.
    If you want to settle down and be what he wants you to be...then you will regret it and you will resent him eventually.
    Don't wait for him to change. He won't. He is just telling you what will keep you around.
    These things that you say are little things are the BIG things that break up relationships later.

    This time is for you. You are making changes and growing. He doesn't want to and isn't in that place.
    You can't ask or expect him to be something he isn't any more than he should of you.

    Who knows...on one of your adventures you may find someone really special that appreciates you and loves the same things you love. It could happen!

    Moving in together won't fix this. Getting engaged won't either.
    You know the answer already...it is time to move on.
    Love him enough to let him go. He isn't the one.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
    I'm someone that wants to live in another country for a year
    What other country? Are you serious about this? If so, don't talk about it, get going! Living abroad would definitely put things into focus.

    If he's the right guy for you after all, you can get together when you get back. :)
  • dlaplume2
    dlaplume2 Posts: 1,658 Member
    You have been with him only 9 months and you are already thinking the novelty has worn off. Trust me it doesn't get better if nothing changes. He has no need to change and if you move in with him he will have even less reason to change. I think you will be doing both of you a favor if you sever ties now. You can both move on with your lives. You will even be doing him a favor by not tying him up in a relationship when he could be meeting his mrs. right.

    I am not saying all relationships are doom and gloom. I have been happily married for 17 years. I love my husband dearly and when I tell him something is bothering me he works real hard to fix it. I do the same for him. You can change your BF personality, and it doesn't sound like you want to spend the rest of your life living like that.

    Best wishes to you. I hope you get to travel and fulfill those dreams you have.
  • Annie5859
    Annie5859 Posts: 280 Member
    You are 21 years old and have your whole life ahead of you. If you are having these thoughts now, I guarantee they will be with you in the future and you don't want to feel regretful when you are 40. It's a lot easier to "move on" now, because if you get married, have kids, it's a whole different story. You don't want to wake up 15 years from now looking at your husband thinking, "Why am I with you?".
  • LovelySnugs
    LovelySnugs Posts: 389
    I have been married for 14 years. I got married when I was 21. All I can say is, that when you know, you know. You don’t have to ask for advice. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. When you have found the other half of your heart living inside another person’s body, you recognize it. You claim it for your own. And there is no one and no thing that will keep you from it.

    My husband and I are very different. We do not share the same life goals. We are not entertained by the exact same things. But we connect on a deep level, and I knew it within hours of meeting him.

    It doesn’t take years to know if someone *has* to be in your life. You know when they are essential. You know when they connect with you in the deepest regions of your heart. I wouldn’t make any plans to spend my life with someone who fails to do this. And I probably wouldn’t spend months and years waiting to do what my heart is telling me to do today.

    i actually came back to this thread to add something very similar to this to my previous post. i met my husband when i was 15 years old and walked away from our first conversation knowing he would be a part of the rest of my life. we have almost nothing in common most days. he's a Media Arts major. i have a Culinary degree. he plays League of Legends, i read Lonesome Dove and Prey over and over again.

    in my case, i had to wait around for about 7 years while he got his act together and came around to the fact that i was created for him. i dated other guys meanwhile. he dated other girls. but years later (meaning last week), sitting on our front step, sharing a cigarette and talking about our lives together and how we can respect and fulfill each others' needs and live our lives happily, we knew that we were always meant to be together. we just had to get our timing in line. we've been married for nearly two years already. we have an infant son. and we JUST had this conversation.

    i hate to admit it, but the thoughts you're having now are very similar to the ones i had the first time i dated my husband. i stayed with him, and ended up cheating on him because the apathy was so miserable. it took us both YEARS to recover. don't do that. it's very possible your guy just needs to grow up some. mine did. and i couldn't be happier.
  • fairygurl62
    fairygurl62 Posts: 12
    As someone who has personally gone through this, my advice is this, listen to your instincts. You are having doubts for a reason, a very good reason. I wish I had listened to my instincts seven years ago, becuase my life would be very different right now.
    I kept thinking he would change and kept waiting and hoping...guess what? He did not change, he didn't want to compromise.
    It is very difficult for me, beause seven years is a long time, and it does hurt, but I am trying to take it one day at a time. We live together now, and I can't afford to move out yet, so its even harder because while I am trying to get over him, I have to see him every single day.
    It took me a long time to figure out that I deserve more. Don't spend seven years waiting and hoping. You deserve more.
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
    Juliet,
    I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
    Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
    Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.
  • Cam_
    Cam_ Posts: 515 Member
    You already know the answer. A lifetime of being unhappy *or* being happy with someone compatible... oh and don't foget, you would put any kids you will have through the same situation (unhappy surroundings or happy). I would wrap it up. It will only get more difficult to end it as time progresses.
  • losethechalupa
    losethechalupa Posts: 51 Member
    People can change and grow with time HOWEVER, you can't live your life based on what might happen down the line.

    My husband and I have been together for 13 years and for the past 5 he has made so much progress in the same areas you complain about here. We now take an annual vacation where he has to get on a plane and we take a few mini vaca's and day trips all thru out the year. I have even gotten him to go hiking and trail walking now. He still isnt as adventurous as I would like but I do things with my girlfriends. Your partner should not be 100% of your happiness and social life. I am deeply in love with my husband and have chosen to take him as he is. I dont mind the video games and the movie watcing because everyone has their own outlet. You have to pick your battles. But this doesnt work for everyone.

    You shouldnt be talking about moving in together and getting engaged with such strong reservations. Continue to date for awhile and see if there is progress. You should BOTH sit down and make a needs and wants list out of the relationship, review both lists together and both of you should refer back to the list from time to time to make sure that you are giving each other what you need. This exercise requires complete and total honesty otherwise there is no point in it. Relationships are hard work and marriage is no walk in the park. You have to stay tuned in to one another and check in on each others happiness meter often.

    Goodluck.
  • carrie_lebel
    carrie_lebel Posts: 135
    I think you know the answer. I never had doubts. From the moment I met my husband even before we even dated I knew I was going to marry him. I'm not saying it goes that way with every one. But to the day I married him he didn't have faults and he still doesn't have much. And yes daily I would love to pop him in the head. The faults you describe can be major relationship breakers to me and once married they will annoy you times ten. Believe me. Breaking out of a comfort zone is the hardest thing to do!!
  • carrie_lebel
    carrie_lebel Posts: 135
    Posted it twice
  • igora_soma
    igora_soma Posts: 486
    read eat pray love. :o)


    Absolutely agree with this. I was in a similar relationship a year ago! It was very hard to break away but it was the best thing that ever happened to me! When your soul starts to wake up, you need to listen and nurture it. To me it sounds like you've made up your mind. Listen to your deepest wishes.

    It's a year later and I've met a wonderful man who is not only encouraging me with my weight loss, but doing some calorie counting and exercise goals with me!

    It might be tough, but good things don't come easy. Hang in there!
  • kimber607
    kimber607 Posts: 7,128 Member
    From someone who has been there done that and didn't have the courage to end it when I should have..don't EVER feel like you are settling..EVER
    You are young...travel, enjoy..experience life
    If it is meant to be....you will find your way back to each other, perhaps, after you get this phase of life out of your system
    Marriage is more difficult than you can ever imagine or anyone can ever tell you about...you need to go into marriage with 110% certainty and even at that...likely it may not work out..so why not give yourself the best odds, right?

    Good luck!
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
    You have your order all messed up. You get engaged with a ring and a date. Then you get married. Then you move in together.

    This idea is pretty outdated. Like the girl above said, if it works for you....great, but it doesn't always work like that anymore and it doesn't NEED to. Many people live together before they get married and it is a very smart thing for them to do. Some people chose to NEVER get married and that is ok too.

    I respect your right to have your opinion. I'm just stating what I believe and what has worked for me. Its definitely not outdated as a lot of people still adhear to traditional ways. Its my opinion. It 's hard for me to understand why anyone would object to a forum where diverse opinions are welcome. It seems like this community would not be so closed minded as to attach an opinion that was openly asked for. Just because my view maybe conservative, does not make it outdated or less valuable.
  • JustGila
    JustGila Posts: 23 Member
    No one can tell you what to do in this case-You know whats best for you more than anyone else. For me I know that I never want to feel like I am settling for something less than what I deserve and I would recommend that for you too. You deserve everything you want in a man and more. Its hard to imagine that could be a reality for you but its totally possible if you love yourself enough.
  • 123456654321
    123456654321 Posts: 1,311 Member
    You have your order all messed up. You get engaged with a ring and a date. Then you get married. Then you move in together.

    This idea is pretty outdated. Like the girl above said, if it works for you....great, but it doesn't always work like that anymore and it doesn't NEED to. Many people live together before they get married and it is a very smart thing for them to do. Some people chose to NEVER get married and that is ok too.

    I respect your right to have your opinion. I'm just stating what I believe and what has worked for me. Its definitely not outdated as a lot of people still adhear to traditional ways. Its my opinion. It 's hard for me to understand why anyone would object to a forum where diverse opinions are welcome. It seems like this community would not be so closed minded as to attach an opinion that was openly asked for. Just because my view maybe conservative, does not make it outdated or less valuable.

    Close minded? "You have your order all messed up" <<< was exactly how you stated your 'opinion.' I simply pointed out that the idea that this is the only proper order to do things in, is in fact outdated. Like I said above "If it works for you....GREAT"......I have no idea how that is close minded. Pretty much the opposite. Might wanna check that mirror twice or something.
  • JE55Y
    JE55Y Posts: 333 Member
    Sounds like a man who doesn't want to fight for you, he's just happy to plod along, but you want more than that. You need the person that you have described and you have the right to deserve that. There's no point wasting two years with this man, he obviously doesn't want the same things you want so get out now before you feel obliged to plod along with him.

    I dated a man (sounds similar to your boyfriend) for two years, and he'd come over to my home and fall asleep on my bed if I left him for 5 minutes. Eventually I asked him where we were going with our relationship and he answered that in probably another 2 or 3 years he'd decide if he liked me enough to move the relationship on.

    Get out now... get fit, feel good about yourself... and find someone who has similar interests and wants to travel with you :)
  • 12skipafew99100
    12skipafew99100 Posts: 1,669 Member
    Juliet,
    I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
    Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
    Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.

    1. She asked for opinions regarding how to deal with the issue of feeling she and her boyfriend may be incompatible. Her comment about them moving in together was completely tangential; at no time did she indicate she was looking for advice or opinions about that matter, and you know it, so quit being so disingenuous, pretending you really believe she wanted your advice about the matter you commented on.

    2. I do not feel that you need to keep quiet in general, I feel that in this case, basic etiquette dictates that offering an unsolicited, judgmental opinion is inappropriate, and yes, such a comment should be kept to oneself for the sake of good manners.

    3. I'm glad that your way has worked out so well for you. I mean that genuinely, I'm not being sarcastic. However, anecdotal "evidence" is meaningless. The happiest, most functional couple I know, friends of my family, have been together for 17 years, I believe. They - wait for it - moved in together after knowing one another for four months when they were 29 and not only did they not get married first, they still aren't married *GASP*. Does that anecdote mean that yours must be false? No, it doesn't. It means what I said in my first post, that different things work best for different people.

    4. Again, no one indicated any interest in what worked for you. Sharing it is akin to going into a thread in which someone asked for advice on how fast they should ideally be running for their fitness level and saying, "Run? No, you're confused, I don't run, it doesn't work. You need to use the elliptical machine, that's how it's done." It has nothing to do with what was asked and is poor etiquette and in bad taste.

    5. I suggest you educate yourself on the concepts of correlation, causation, confounding factors, and what kind of data constitutes evidence that A is caused by B. Then you will see how ignorant it is of you to suggest that statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage and divorce rates are proof of your position.

    6. You are entitled to your own opinions. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. The FACT is that the order in which one chooses to cohabitate with their partner, get engaged and get married (or to eliminate some of those steps altogether) is purely a matter of personal preference, and I will repeat again, since you seem to have difficulty grasping this point, telling another that their preference is wrong, as you did, is rude, judgmental and was irrelevant to the question asked.

    7. Yes, you are correct that we each have our own opinions and that's okay - see, I think you ARE capable of grasping this concept, which is, ironically, exactly what you said: have your own opinion, but leave others alone unless they ask that you share it with them! That's *exactly* the point. Gold star! You've taken the first step in grasping this as a general concept; now I suggest you ruminate on it further and try your best to apply it to your inappropriate comment yesterday; I think that will be very enlightening for you.

    8. Maybe you should learn how to spell "marriage" before you go offering unsolicited advice about it. See, now THAT'S me criticising you unnecessarily, or "bashing" you, as you choose to call it (I can't help but wonder what you'd call a genuine bashing if you think my previous post to you constituted one), which ordinarily I would not do, but since you do not understand the difference, I've demonstrated for you.

    I'll say it one last time: you are NOT wrong for having an opinion that others may disagree with. You ARE wrong - judgmental, rude and inappropriate - for posting it unsolicited and phrased as a fact instead of one of many possible different and no less objectively valuable beliefs.

    :heart: -- Juliet

    CHARLIE SHEEN MUCH! LOL
  • ybba12490
    ybba12490 Posts: 252
    Hey everyone, I'm the original poster of this topic. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot to say about the advice I received, and so I posted it in my blog because I thought it might be too long to fit. Also I thought it would be more appropriate to kind of rant and respond in my own blog. Read it if you want, or not, whatever. But again, thanks for replying, it helped a lot.
  • pyro13g
    pyro13g Posts: 1,127 Member
    Hey everyone, I'm the original poster of this topic. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded. I have a lot to say about the advice I received, and so I posted it in my blog because I thought it might be too long to fit. Also I thought it would be more appropriate to kind of rant and respond in my own blog. Read it if you want, or not, whatever. But again, thanks for replying, it helped a lot.

    Post a link to the blog post. Non-friends don't get a link from your home page
  • RZO42488
    RZO42488 Posts: 64
    Wow....

    Seriously, this is a no brainer. You have to break up with him. If you are not being fufilled, you will regret moving forward with him just to be polite. Then you will start to resent him and if you are an emotional eater, that horrible habit could come into play. It's going to hurt, but it's better to end things now before you decide against it.

    Agreed..........this sounds terrible. You first messed up when you said you "love" each other. Love is a strong word to throw around esp only being together 9 months. Your second and third mistake(s) will be moving in together and getting engaged. You dont want to end up unhappy in the end and it will only get worse if those are current habits he has and that you dont like.
  • RZO42488
    RZO42488 Posts: 64
    This post I think, has opened up some other women's (including the married ones) feelings that may not even be happy. Venting is good but a relationship (married or not) should not be a struggle.

    Other people giving advice might need to look and change their own lives.....just a thought.......are you people happy....?
  • shannonpatton
    shannonpatton Posts: 299 Member
    Maybe reality won't set in to him until you make a move and take a break. Make him prove to you that he can be that guy you are looking for. Good luck!!!
  • RZO42488
    RZO42488 Posts: 64
    Juliet,
    I did not smack anyone over the head with anything. She asked our (my) opinion and that is just what it is. Just because its different than yours dosnt mean I have to keep quiet. I did it in the odered stated and I've been happily married to my husband for going on 23 years. It worked for me and I wanted to tell what worked for me. I also happen to believe in it.
    Statistics state that more people get divorced that move in together before marrage than who more in after marrage.
    Just sayin............you have you opinion and I have mine. State yours and leave me alone. Don't go bashing me because its different from yours.

    1. She asked for opinions regarding how to deal with the issue of feeling she and her boyfriend may be incompatible. Her comment about them moving in together was completely tangential; at no time did she indicate she was looking for advice or opinions about that matter, and you know it, so quit being so disingenuous, pretending you really believe she wanted your advice about the matter you commented on.

    2. I do not feel that you need to keep quiet in general, I feel that in this case, basic etiquette dictates that offering an unsolicited, judgmental opinion is inappropriate, and yes, such a comment should be kept to oneself for the sake of good manners.

    3. I'm glad that your way has worked out so well for you. I mean that genuinely, I'm not being sarcastic. However, anecdotal "evidence" is meaningless. The happiest, most functional couple I know, friends of my family, have been together for 17 years, I believe. They - wait for it - moved in together after knowing one another for four months when they were 29 and not only did they not get married first, they still aren't married *GASP*. Does that anecdote mean that yours must be false? No, it doesn't. It means what I said in my first post, that different things work best for different people.

    4. Again, no one indicated any interest in what worked for you. Sharing it is akin to going into a thread in which someone asked for advice on how fast they should ideally be running for their fitness level and saying, "Run? No, you're confused, I don't run, it doesn't work. You need to use the elliptical machine, that's how it's done." It has nothing to do with what was asked and is poor etiquette and in bad taste.

    5. I suggest you educate yourself on the concepts of correlation, causation, confounding factors, and what kind of data constitutes evidence that A is caused by B. Then you will see how ignorant it is of you to suggest that statistics regarding cohabitation before marriage and divorce rates are proof of your position.

    6. You are entitled to your own opinions. You are not, however, entitled to your own facts. The FACT is that the order in which one chooses to cohabitate with their partner, get engaged and get married (or to eliminate some of those steps altogether) is purely a matter of personal preference, and I will repeat again, since you seem to have difficulty grasping this point, telling another that their preference is wrong, as you did, is rude, judgmental and was irrelevant to the question asked.

    7. Yes, you are correct that we each have our own opinions and that's okay - see, I think you ARE capable of grasping this concept, which is, ironically, exactly what you said: have your own opinion, but leave others alone unless they ask that you share it with them! That's *exactly* the point. Gold star! You've taken the first step in grasping this as a general concept; now I suggest you ruminate on it further and try your best to apply it to your inappropriate comment yesterday; I think that will be very enlightening for you.

    8. Maybe you should learn how to spell "marriage" before you go offering unsolicited advice about it. See, now THAT'S me criticising you unnecessarily, or "bashing" you, as you choose to call it (I can't help but wonder what you'd call a genuine bashing if you think my previous post to you constituted one), which ordinarily I would not do, but since you do not understand the difference, I've demonstrated for you.

    I'll say it one last time: you are NOT wrong for having an opinion that others may disagree with. You ARE wrong - judgmental, rude and inappropriate - for posting it unsolicited and phrased as a fact instead of one of many possible different and no less objectively valuable beliefs.

    :heart: -- Juliet

    Once again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. You throwing vocabulary words around makes you no more superior than someone who has their own views about relationships. Why contradict yourself and tell someone else their being rude....now thats causation for you. And you might need to "educate" yourself on some manners.
  • silvereyes01
    silvereyes01 Posts: 49 Member
    It's not fair to expect him to change who he is, as it would be unfair and unlikely for you to change who you are for him. If you are unhappy with the way things are going, I don't believe in wasting any more time. Life is short, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why spend a lot of your time doing something that doesn't make you happy? My husband does things that drive me crazy (not turning off lights, takes him forever to complete a home improvement, won't workout with me even though he supports me, doesn't do much housework to help out) these things REALLY irratate me (there are a few others) but in the big picture, he always complimenting me, he's a great father, he works hard, a good sense of humor, and even though he's more a homebody and I'm more of the dinner and movie once a week kind of girl, (camping, hiking, and canoeing, etc) I wouldn't trade him for anything. So in the end, my advice, think of all the good things, and think of all the bad. Which side wins? If you "love him more than anything" there should be plenty of good, but if you are truly unhappy, move on. Good luck!
  • tashjs21
    tashjs21 Posts: 4,584 Member
    All I can say is, that when you know, you know. You don’t have to ask for advice. You don’t need anyone else’s permission. When you have found the other half of your heart living inside another person’s body, you recognize it. You claim it for your own. And there is no one and no thing that will keep you from it.



    ^ This!!!!!

    I can say from my personal experience, staying in a relationship when you have doubts like this leads to resentment and a nasty break up. Why not go your separate ways now and remain civil?

    After years and years of dating...when I met my honey, things were easy (after a minor bump in the road in the beginning) There is NO doubt in my mind that he is the man for me and I know that when the lovey dovey stuff wears off we have a foundation that will last.

    When you find the one that you are meant to be with you won't have any questions or doubts you will simply know.

    Good luck in whichever path you take! :flowerforyou:
  • Noz7
    Noz7 Posts: 59 Member
    Oh my goodness! What are you doing taking advice from people like us???
    Don't you know that most of us can't stay married? Why copy us?

    My advice, which I've taken myself, is to do pre-marital counselling... at a professional counsellor who charges a good amount.
    Also, ask yourself whether you expect your partner to make you happy.
    Yes?
    ...Fail... you are setting the relationship up to fail.

    So get over that idea, fast as you can.

    Negotiate with your partner to do certain activities, book a time well in advance.
    Manage his and your own expectations. Don't expect him to read your mind or make you a better person or whatever.
    In arguments, never say "you always" or "you never". Never. If you catch yourself, just stop talking and leave the situation.

    Be kind.
    Get the counsellor to help you.
    If you reach the end of the process and still feel like he has shortcomings you aren't prepared to put up with, which he can't 'fix' or moderate, then you can break up.

    PS. It took me years to 'know' for sure.
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