People are treating me differently... sad but true
SolidGoaled
Posts: 504 Member
After only a (almost) 30 lb weight loss, people seem friendlier, and more interested in me. It makes me sad. I have a couple people who seem jealous - that makes me very uncomfortable. All this wierdness is getting to me. I also purged my closet of some clothes that don't fit anymore - some of my "favorite" shirts and pants. Its all starting to feel too real. Don't get me wrong - it feels great - but still uncharted territory for me, and I feel scared - naked feeling or something. I still have 55 lbs to go - what if I don't make it? What if I do??? What if I do, then gain it all back like I have every other time I've ever lost anything? Just had to vent a little.
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You can do this!! The change and the extra attention is a little weird sometimes but make sure you stay grounded!!! You got this.. Just remember why you're doing it! To be healthy and for yourself. This time is different because you are different! Don't lose focus of that! :flowerforyou:0
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Those feelings are common. You will go through a mourning stage...mourning your old self. Thats a good thing as long as you don't allow yourself to get stuck in that mode. You will definitely find that through your journey you may lose some friends and you might gain some new ones. Just know some people can't deal with our change. Especially if they are overweight and have yet to do something about it. You just keep focus no matter what. Don't allow their problems with your change to become yours. They need to deal with themselves. You just keep moving forward.0
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Yeah, I notice this, too. I'm 100% introverted, so the attention makes me a little uncomfortable. Probably one reason I didn't mind gaining the weight in the first place.
I have a friend who has told me she's jealous... but when I try to talk to her about how I'm doing it and how it can work for her, she just rolls her eyes or dismisses me.0 -
It is sad, isn't it? I forget where I was one day, a bagel shop or something. It was busy and I was standing there waiting for someone to take my order. Not only did it take for ever for someone to notice me, they all but forgot to get my order together too. I've never felt so invisible before. It was awful. Kind of like I was so repulsive to look at, everyone just ignored me or something.
I don't want to be invisible anymore. You better believe it when I get to where I want to be weight-wise and I walk into a room, everyone will notice me.
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people that treat you negatively now are jealous and may not be good friends to be around right now. You are doing this for you. Granted, people are shallow pieces of crap at times, but its not about them, it is about you. You have gotten so far already. Congratulations
It will be so worth it. It will be easier to shop for clothes, you will feel better, happier, ... Keep your head up x 0 -
I want to tell you, you will make it. Dont let the newness of your situation change the journey you have been on.
We cant be accountable for peoples actions or reactions toward us. I know it is hard when we see people behaving differently towards us when we have been successful, but please remain strong.
I know I let that effect me negatively a couple years ago, when I dropped about 70lbs and then I gained it all back and then some. It was not worth letting peoples attitude affect my mindset and what I was driven to do at that time.
So please enjoy your successes, and embrace the new feeling and emotions that come with your weightloss.
Become that person you have always been on the inside, and enjoy your life.
Remember you are worth it!0 -
I know a roller coaster of emotions, we can make it and hold our head high knowing we worked hard to get there. I had a friend say to me "If you lose 110 pounds all the guys will want you" I pondered that for a moment and said to him, "if you don't like me fat don't bother with me when I'm thin". I think a persons value is determined by what's inside not the outside. I am a carefree , fun loving person. I have a good job, good morales, wonderful friends , and wonderful family. I don't need someone who will love me when I'm thin, Love me as I am no matter what I weigh. Just take the compliments with a thank you , and be proud you can get rid of clothes. You can get to your goal and with a new way of living healthy we can keep the weight off forever.0
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Congratulations on your 30 lbs, that is awesome! As far as jealousy from others is concerned that is their issue not yours, dont let them take the wind out of your sails! Allow yourself to feel good about all of your accomplishments!
It is sad that people seem more interested but unfortunately that is the world we live in. Keep up the good work & take it one day at a time.0 -
I lost a lot of weight about ten years ago and the way I got treated (especailly by sales people in dept. stores) was like night and day compared to the "fat" me. Even though I shopped then exactly as I do now (off the clearance racks) it was almost as though they rolled out the red carpet when I walked in the door. Sadly, now that I am back to "big" the opposite is true again.....*kitten*.0
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Don't feel like the Lone Ranger. You are not the first nor the last person to have friends treat them different when they start becoming successful. I call them "mean girls" -- ever pound you lose will make them feel bad about themselves. This is such a huge problem that I put a section on the subject in my upcoming book.
Try not to take it personally. It's their problem not yours. But here's what's going on. Your success is a mirror reflecting their own life. You are reflecting everything they want to be but are not willing to do what it takes to take control of their lives. They are unwilling to get uncomfortable to achieve a goal. Girl... press on! Don't let the negative nature of others keep you from your promise. I saw that you put a biblical quote so I feel comfortable saying, "If God is for you, then who dare be against you." Keep pressing on your journey.
On a personal note: If these people keep being not so happy with your success their season in your life might be at its end. You deserve to be around people who will support and love you always.
Congratulation on the closet!!!0 -
I completely agree with the above statements!! You have to do it for yourself and no one else! You will get to points where you are down others where you've never been happier its kinda like a rollercoaster at times, but you can get through it!! I myself have experienced both people being jealous and others being nicer than they ever have been. Sad part is its mostly family members. I love this site because so many people are so nice and encouraging! Just try to not to take ignore the people who are being negative and use it as motivation to work harder, this is what works best for me!! Never doubt yourself or give up either and you will get to your goal before you know it! Good luck, and you've done awesome thus far!!0
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i totally get it. I went to my usual coffee place this weekend. The same barista who always serves me served me again... except this time he was very chatty and flirty, it makes me uncomfortable also...0
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Keep it going! Proud of you for your weight loss. It is a huge step, and the purging of clothes does make it seem real. I have been going through the same too. Strange to try on 'old' clothes and they don't fit right (yea). I have my husband who supports me with my weight loss journey and he encourages me to do my workouts, yet I have my mom that thinks I am obsessed/crazy with my food choices, exercises, etc.
I say just keep it up, be proud of all your accomplishments!!!!0 -
I found that to be so true when I was down to 132 before the lap band failed... some women were giving back handed compliments ...men were just different...not rude or bad...maybe I just noticed more not sure...but I for reals had a boss who never spoke to me till I was thin....
But congratulations on your success! it's all for you!0 -
This doesn't go out to anyone specific....
It's easy to say that people are reacting negatively because they are jealous, but sometimes (and I have seen this myself many times) an attitude changes happens with the weight loss that isn't exactly positive. I have told the story before on here about a friend I had who was 300+ lbs when we met, and she was the nicest person you would ever want to meet, and she wasn't starving for relationships either. After the weight loss, she became quite snobbish toward others, and after a while everyone had finally had enough of it and stopped going around her. Her explanation was that she had become more confident in herself, but, there is a big difference between confidence and just having a nasty attitude.
I know I know.. it's easier to blame any negative reactions on everything/everyone outside of your self, but regardless, sometimes the problem is internal and not external.
To put it in plain Engrish, what happens is that when we see how others act toward us, and toward others and they fit an image in our mind of how we want to be it gets embedded within our subconscious. The result is that we often adopt those same attitudes that we witnessed and often experienced when we feel we have reached our goal. This doesn't just happen with weight loss, it happens with all kinds of things in life... How many of you have ever stopped in the middle of a sentence and thought to yourself, "wow I sound m like my parents." No we don't mean to do it most of the time do we?
It's kind of funny, being fat is socially unacceptable, and fat people are regarded with a certain level of disdain by society at large, but a large percentage of the population is over weight, and I have long noticed that even fat people treat the thin/fit pretty people better than we treat each other most of the time. Not talking about mfp, but out in the real world.0 -
:flowerforyou:
You are feeling kind of fragile at the moment and that is to be expected.
You are changing and it is a new experience to do it for REAL this time.
You can do it. You ARE doing it. You are making the changes and this time for the duration.
Remember this journey is YOURS.
Don't let anyone else ( thoughts, looks, or opinions) change the way you are starting to see yourself.
Remember you are worth it and remember your goals.
Best of luck - we are right there with you0 -
I know I know.. it's easier to blame any negative reactions on everything/everyone outside of your self, but regardless, sometimes the problem is internal and not external.
To put it in plain Engrish, what happens is that when we see how others act toward us, and toward others and they fit an image in our mind of how we want to be it gets embedded within our subconscious. The result is that we often adopt those same attitudes that we witnessed and often experienced when we feel we have reached our goal.
I agree that a lot of it is just perception but at the same time a lot of it isn't. People really do treat you differently when you are fat....even other fat people.
You raise an interesting point though, I have known several "former fatties" who did a 180 (for the worse) in terms of their personalities once they lost weight. Mainly people who had once been too shy to own their sexuality suddenly became overly promiscuous and started displaying attention-seeking behavior, cheating, and making bad choices.
I even Watched Heavy a few weeks ago and there was a very large women who relied on her husband for nearly everything then she lost 150 lbs and dumped his *kitten* because she said she "wanted more".
That's not to say that all or even most who lose a significant amount of weight will go to these extremes. I think it just goes to show that there really is a huge emotional/mental burden that remains even after the weight is gone.0 -
Yeah. Any change from what we're used to can make you uncomfortable at first. It's just a matter of sticking to it long enough for you to feel comfortable. Better to lose weight and feel this way than to gain weight, right?!? Keep it up!0
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I think you need to try some positive visualisations instead of imagining the worse case scenario.
What if by losing the weight you gain more confidence and are more assertive in your life?
What if by losing the weight your outside now reflects your inner beauty?
What if by losing weight you are now recognised at work as a valuable and needed contributor?
What if by losing weight you find yourself looking for other goals you never thought possible?
What if by losing weight you looked in the mirror and loved and admired the outcome?
See, we all have problems, difficulties, tragedies in our lives, I like to challenge people to see the silver lining and what positive possibilities which can open up. We need to concentrate on what we have control of, not other people's reactions or 'what if' scenarios, because what we worry about is rarely where our big nasty surprises come from.
GG0 -
I know I know.. it's easier to blame any negative reactions on everything/everyone outside of your self, but regardless, sometimes the problem is internal and not external.
To put it in plain Engrish, what happens is that when we see how others act toward us, and toward others and they fit an image in our mind of how we want to be it gets embedded within our subconscious. The result is that we often adopt those same attitudes that we witnessed and often experienced when we feel we have reached our goal.
I agree that a lot of it is just perception but at the same time a lot of it isn't. People really do treat you differently when you are fat....even other fat people.
You raise an interesting point though, I have known several "former fatties" who did a 180 (for the worse) in terms of their personalities once they lost weight. Mainly people who had once been too shy to own their sexuality suddenly became overly promiscuous and started displaying attention-seeking behavior, cheating, and making bad choices.
I even Watched Heavy a few weeks ago and there was a very large women who relied on her husband for nearly everything then she lost 150 lbs and dumped his *kitten* because she said she "wanted more".
That's not to say that all or even most who lose a significant amount of weight will go to these extremes. I think it just goes to show that there really is a huge emotional/mental burden that remains even after the weight is gone.
OP here - wow, this exchange really hit a nerve. I think for sure that weight loss will cause us to feel more confident and this added "confidence" can sometimes mutate into something that isn't healthy. I am so glad I read this because it really made me think. Maybe I am perceiving jealousy that doesn't exist - I have to admit, I've been probably acted a little annoying since I hit another 10 lb milestone (220). I've been driving my husband nuts asking him if he can tell yet (I know he can! Ha ha!)
I think my character could use a little looking at and a "new diet" of its own. Maybe this is a good time to get out some good selfn improvement books or something.0 -
First of all great job! You should take a bow for you hard work! Second, this is all about you and how you feel because this is your journey. Keep your confidence rolling and save your energy for people that support you!!
Congrats to you!0 -
After only a (almost) 30 lb weight loss, people seem friendlier, and more interested in me. It makes me sad. I have a couple people who seem jealous - that makes me very uncomfortable. All this wierdness is getting to me. I also purged my closet of some clothes that don't fit anymore - some of my "favorite" shirts and pants. Its all starting to feel too real. Don't get me wrong - it feels great - but still uncharted territory for me, and I feel scared - naked feeling or something. I still have 55 lbs to go - what if I don't make it? What if I do??? What if I do, then gain it all back like I have every other time I've ever lost anything? Just had to vent a little.
You know what? I totally understand what you're saying, having lost weight in the past and experiencing the same things. But first, the people who seem friendlier and more interested? They probably aren't any more friendly and interested than they ever were. If you are like me, I (subconsciously) behave ashamed of myself when I'm fat and unhealthy (even if it's just eating unhealthy foods for a day). But when I'm doing what I know is right for myself (and especially when I'm losing weight!), I hold my head up, I smile more, and generally I am more accessible to receive friendliness and interest from others.
And for anyone who behaves like a jealous twit...well, they aren't worth your time! Keep you head up and know that you CAN do this!0 -
this is sooo weird... you are totally right , moms in the playground that looked at me like I was dirt for the past 4 years are all over me like a rash.... and a very good friend ( who was smaller but is now bigger than me) is getting to be quite cruel and spends a lot of time saying at our age we should just accept ourselves for what we are and if people don't like it tough . I changed my lifestyle because if I carried on I would probably not have seen my son grow up so hey girlfriend..build a bridge and GET OVER IT !
I worry about my journey too because it's going to be a long one , when I reach my ideal weight ( and I don't actually know what that is yet ) maintenance will be a tricky business I'm sure.
Just be true to yourself and let the others keep up or go away !
SW 1st Sept 2010 198lbs
CW 12th April 2011 159lbs
Next Target 154lbs by 18th May 2011 - Vacation
Final destination unknown !0 -
I a way I understand where you're coming from. People (especially men) definitely have been way friendlier and are downright flirting with me, even with my husband standing next to me (and I haven't lost weight that drastically really, it's just one dress size), but rather than being annoyed/uncomfortable about it, it gives me a great boost, it's doing wonders for my confidence.
Sure, you could argue it's not "fair", they should have been friendly/flirty with me when I was bigger, but at the end of the day, I do look better now than I did a few months back, there's no denying.
When I went down that dress size (only a few weeks ago really) I was massively self-conscious about it, felt like everyone was looking at me, which is nonsense of course. And now I'm used to my new size and I feel just fine.I (subconsciously) behave ashamed of myself when I'm fat and unhealthy (even if it's just eating unhealthy foods for a day). But when I'm doing what I know is right for myself (and especially when I'm losing weight!), I hold my head up, I smile more, and generally I am more accessible to receive friendliness and interest from others.
I think you hit the nail on the head here, it works both ways0 -
You know what? I totally understand what you're saying, having lost weight in the past and experiencing the same things. But first, the people who seem friendlier and more interested? They probably aren't any more friendly and interested than they ever were. If you are like me, I (subconsciously) behave ashamed of myself when I'm fat and unhealthy (even if it's just eating unhealthy foods for a day). But when I'm doing what I know is right for myself (and especially when I'm losing weight!), I hold my head up, I smile more, and generally I am more accessible to receive friendliness and interest from others.
And for anyone who behaves like a jealous twit...well, they aren't worth your time! Keep you head up and know that you CAN do this!
I think this is a big part of it for me.... I originally lost 40 pounds and felt GREAT, so I looked people in the eye and smiled much more often than before - when I was heavier, I wanted to hide or be invisible, so people treated me like I was invisible.
I will say though that in department stores I definitely get treated differently than when I was heavier - clerks would ignore me before but now I step into a store and immediately get helped. Although maybe the bad economy has something to do with that?? :laugh:0 -
First of all, I think if you're on this site you're likely really CHANGING your lifestyle, which gives you a much better chance of not gaining it back. I, like many others, did gain it back. But I lost weight by eating less than half the daily calories I should have been getting, and it was thus just a temporary solution and something I couldn't have kept up. True, you probably can't go back to how you ate before, but with your lifestyle change and finding how much you enjoy being in better shape will likely ensure your maintaining of your new weight if you really want it to.
I too noticed when I lost weight before (going in a few months from a size 18-20 to a 10-12) that people reacted differently to me. Some girls were extremely excited for me and invited me out more, but perhaps this had something to do with being a little less shy because I was more sure of myself. Other people were kind of distant about it. Perhaps some people think of their "bigger" friends as inferior so they feel better about themselves, and when you lose weight, they lose that advantage and aren't so happy for you. Anyway, looking back, those people that were genuinely happy for me were much better friends in the long run. Some friends just didn't say anything but I think that's because weight is just a touchy topic anyway.
When you're used to seeing yourself bigger, looking in the mirror can feel odd. I had never seen myself so thin. Seeing pictures and my reflection was liberating but a little scary, and I wondered if I was changing who I was and if I was doing that, if it was always for the better. I think it was, but because of my bad methods of weight loss, I lost that. And now that I've gained the weight back, I've noticed some friends are a little more distance (mostly guys lol) but my true friends are still as close as ever.
But anyway..sorry for writing a book lol. Celebrate your success and keep going, but don't let fear of gaining it back destroy your progress!!0 -
After only a (almost) 30 lb weight loss, people seem friendlier, and more interested in me.
Have you heard of the Halo Effect? It describes a type of cognitive (psychological) bias where one characteristic of a person or one factor in a situation affects the evaluation of the person's other traits.
What this means in plain English is that if you are slender or good looking for example people will carry over those positive traits and apply them to other parts of your character even if there is no good evidence that they exist. So, slim people will be perceived as somehow "better" or "more intelligent" or "good" simply because of the perception of initial positve characteristics.
This works in reverse as well it seems. Overweight has a negative connation. Therefore this negative association is carried over and fat individuals are deemed to be somehow "lazy" or "unworthy" even though this perhaps couldn't be further from the truth.
Really, we should judge each other by the content of our characters and by who we truly are as people. However, in reality this doesn't happen as much as it should. I guess that is understandable. I think there just aren't enough hours in the day to have the time to assess everyone we come across properly. Therefore we have to rely on quick impressions and signals mainly.
Unfortunately, this increased attention and politeness is something you will simply have to get used to, even though it may strike you as false. It is just the way of the world.
Finally, whilst I can completely understand why some women in particular are longing to be noticed once they lose the weight but I can assure you it is not all its cracked up to be. Too much attention is just as bad as none at all. In fact it can be worse. I know from women I have known that beauty can be more of a curse than a blessing. There's a lot to be said to for being just ordinary and happy...0 -
This has been a recent shock for me, too. I've been overweight most of my life, so I never really knew what it felt like to be "checked out" all the time. But now that I've lost 80 lbs, it happens a lot, and it is very uncomfortable.
I was in Best Buy the other day for a grand total of 10 minutes, and during that time, FOUR different sales guys came over and started hitting on me. One of them was particularly obnoxious and proceeded to stand half an inch away from me the whole time he was talking to me. Even when I would take a step back, he would move closer. By the time I left the store, I truly felt nauseated. I don't like that sort of attention at all.
As for negative reactions from friends/family, for the most part, I've been very lucky. My friends, co-workers, and most of my family have been really happy for me and supportive of me. I do have one relative who I think is secretly very jealous, even though she's not fat at all. She is just used to being the one everyone notices when we go out, and now she doesn't get all of the attention, so she makes comments about me from time to time that are like backhanded compliments. I just let it go. Those are her issues. It's got nothing to do with me.0 -
Finally, whilst I can completely understand why some women in particular are longing to be noticed once they lose the weight but I can assure you it is not all its cracked up to be. Too much attention is just as bad as none at all. In fact it can be worse. I know from women I have known that beauty can be more of a curse than a blessing. There's a lot to be said to for being just ordinary and happy...
I want to hear more about this ^^^^^^^ Care to elaborate?0 -
All of these replies are so fascinating... I feel like I am entering into a very unknown phase of this weight loss journey - an interpersonal side of it that I've never had the chance to delve into (because by now, every single time I've lost weight, I'd start gaining it back by now) I'd always start some "diet" and lose 25 or so lbs, enjoy it for a week or two, then slowly it would find its way back and then some. Its never been for real. Something about this time seems more permanent and it scares the bejeezus out of me for some reason - that is what I need to figure out. I am starting to look different - really look different. And, I feel exposed or something - like I"ve been hiding behind a big curtain. Not to sound dramatic, but this is really how I am feeling. I have a lot of confused feelings right now. I really need to keep focusing on the weight loss because I can tell if I let it, this fear could get the best of me and ruin this.0
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