Back handed compliments from friends...why are some women so
Options
petithamu
Posts: 582 Member
So I'm venting...
Not a lot of people in my circle knows I belong to a weight loss community and have been trying to lose weight. Apart from the boyfriend and a very few really close friends, I don't exactly shout to the world that I've been working out and eating healthy for the past 4 months. I don't link MFP to Facebook either because I feel like I can share a lot more about my weight loss journey on MFPs than on Facebook, you know, like minded people and all.
There are two couples that my bf and I hang out with regularly. When I say regularly, I mean the 6 of us meet up about once a month, have a dinner party and whatnot. It's been a while since the 6 of us did this since we're all busy so today was the first time in about 3 months that we all were able to meet up in a pub.
One couple, I'm quite good friends with the boyfriend and an okay friend with the girlfriend. Never really had a problem with her or anything, she can be slightly intimidating and high strung from time to time, can also be competitive and whatnot but never really got to the point that it bothered me. Today, her comments really annoyed me.
At first she was really nice and said, 'wow, your shoulders look great! What have you been doing?' I said, a butt loads of shoulder raises thanks to someone called Jillian Michaels. She asked, in the gym? I said, nah, just home DVDs. Then I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was in the middle of saying something about me in the gym. Months ago, I met up with her in the gym and she was working out in the 'women only area' because she 'didn't want the guys gawking at her'. I said something like, 'Oh, I just gawk back. I mean, gym sucks already so what's wrong with a little bit of eye candy.' Obviously I was just having a conversation, not really mean anything of it. When I came back from the bathroom, I actually heard her said to my boyfriend, 'didn't you know that Tiff likes to look at men in the gym? I mean that's what she does you know. I don't do that, I prefer the women only part so I can focus.' (side note: She hasn't been to the gym since that time and that was in early Jan!) I sat down and said..um...what are you trying to say? Then she just brushed it off and said, oh nothing, just gym talk. So I let that one go.
Then she continued on something else. I have an eye infection so I've been forced to wear my geeky glasses for 2 weeks. I don't like them, they don't look great on me and I feel uncomfortable. She said, 'so you're wearing glasses now? You should wear them everyday. You look better with glasses on.' I said to her again...um...these are 10 years old, they cover half of my face...there is NO WAY IN HELL I look good in these.' She just shrugged. She then took out her bag of make up and started 'touching up'. I said, are you guys going somewhere after this, why you touching up? She said, 'I just like to look good for my boyfriend *enter kiss here from her to bf*.' WTH?!?
So then we move on to other topics. I mentioned something about a dress I saw in Sex and the City and that a similar dress was on sale on some site and I was gutted it was sold out. She then said, 'I don't like flashy stuff like that, that's not my style.' *Enter kiss from bf to her*.
I don't know why but I felt like everything she said to me today was some form of attack? I asked my bf about it and he said cuz she's jealous I've lost weight and I'm taking care of myself. Apparently when I was in the bathroom, she was trying really hard to tell my boyfriend that I only go to the gym to check out men and how did he feel about that!
Is this what happens when you lose weight? Your circle of female friends suddenly turn on their competitive mode and see you as a threat?! Is she just going to hate me now once I get to my goal weight?!
The horrible thing is she hasn't been the only one throwing these comments around. Another friend of mine, another Chinese girl, I don't really have any Chinese friends so she is a rare breed in my circle. She's 25, young, pretty and fun and I've always looked at her like a little sister. She saw my new profile pic and said, 'you've lost weight. Are you way skinny now? Are you trying to give me a run for my money?" Excuse me?!?
Okay, I'm just venting. I just don't get women. I don't have a lot of female friends and I grew up hanging out with boys so I'm just not used to all of these backhanded comments. My guy friends tell me when I've gained weight, they comment when I've lost weight, you don't get any of these *****y attitude from them, ever. This is just a very new territory to me...and I am really annoyed...
Okay..sorry...end rant....
Not a lot of people in my circle knows I belong to a weight loss community and have been trying to lose weight. Apart from the boyfriend and a very few really close friends, I don't exactly shout to the world that I've been working out and eating healthy for the past 4 months. I don't link MFP to Facebook either because I feel like I can share a lot more about my weight loss journey on MFPs than on Facebook, you know, like minded people and all.
There are two couples that my bf and I hang out with regularly. When I say regularly, I mean the 6 of us meet up about once a month, have a dinner party and whatnot. It's been a while since the 6 of us did this since we're all busy so today was the first time in about 3 months that we all were able to meet up in a pub.
One couple, I'm quite good friends with the boyfriend and an okay friend with the girlfriend. Never really had a problem with her or anything, she can be slightly intimidating and high strung from time to time, can also be competitive and whatnot but never really got to the point that it bothered me. Today, her comments really annoyed me.
At first she was really nice and said, 'wow, your shoulders look great! What have you been doing?' I said, a butt loads of shoulder raises thanks to someone called Jillian Michaels. She asked, in the gym? I said, nah, just home DVDs. Then I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was in the middle of saying something about me in the gym. Months ago, I met up with her in the gym and she was working out in the 'women only area' because she 'didn't want the guys gawking at her'. I said something like, 'Oh, I just gawk back. I mean, gym sucks already so what's wrong with a little bit of eye candy.' Obviously I was just having a conversation, not really mean anything of it. When I came back from the bathroom, I actually heard her said to my boyfriend, 'didn't you know that Tiff likes to look at men in the gym? I mean that's what she does you know. I don't do that, I prefer the women only part so I can focus.' (side note: She hasn't been to the gym since that time and that was in early Jan!) I sat down and said..um...what are you trying to say? Then she just brushed it off and said, oh nothing, just gym talk. So I let that one go.
Then she continued on something else. I have an eye infection so I've been forced to wear my geeky glasses for 2 weeks. I don't like them, they don't look great on me and I feel uncomfortable. She said, 'so you're wearing glasses now? You should wear them everyday. You look better with glasses on.' I said to her again...um...these are 10 years old, they cover half of my face...there is NO WAY IN HELL I look good in these.' She just shrugged. She then took out her bag of make up and started 'touching up'. I said, are you guys going somewhere after this, why you touching up? She said, 'I just like to look good for my boyfriend *enter kiss here from her to bf*.' WTH?!?
So then we move on to other topics. I mentioned something about a dress I saw in Sex and the City and that a similar dress was on sale on some site and I was gutted it was sold out. She then said, 'I don't like flashy stuff like that, that's not my style.' *Enter kiss from bf to her*.
I don't know why but I felt like everything she said to me today was some form of attack? I asked my bf about it and he said cuz she's jealous I've lost weight and I'm taking care of myself. Apparently when I was in the bathroom, she was trying really hard to tell my boyfriend that I only go to the gym to check out men and how did he feel about that!
Is this what happens when you lose weight? Your circle of female friends suddenly turn on their competitive mode and see you as a threat?! Is she just going to hate me now once I get to my goal weight?!
The horrible thing is she hasn't been the only one throwing these comments around. Another friend of mine, another Chinese girl, I don't really have any Chinese friends so she is a rare breed in my circle. She's 25, young, pretty and fun and I've always looked at her like a little sister. She saw my new profile pic and said, 'you've lost weight. Are you way skinny now? Are you trying to give me a run for my money?" Excuse me?!?
Okay, I'm just venting. I just don't get women. I don't have a lot of female friends and I grew up hanging out with boys so I'm just not used to all of these backhanded comments. My guy friends tell me when I've gained weight, they comment when I've lost weight, you don't get any of these *****y attitude from them, ever. This is just a very new territory to me...and I am really annoyed...
Okay..sorry...end rant....
0
Replies
-
I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?0
-
Sounds like my mother-in-law - jealous, has to come back on everything you say and put a negative spin on it.
Yes, IMO a lot of women can be like this. I choose not to have a lot of female friends, to be honest. I had one that claimed to support me but everytime I lost weight and she didn't (we were weight loss buddies) she'd start putting down what I do. Forget it. Not worth my time to be around such negative, hateful people.
I'd tell the other one point blank, I dont care if it was a joke, but I want to be healthy and this isn't a competition.0 -
I have that problem too. I get backlash from my friends who laugh that I am part of a weight loss community. (This is not my first.)
"You're not fat. Why are you on there?"
I do it for myself because it just makes it that much easier to live a healthier lifestyle.
But I love when they come to me for advice. I'll make them feel five inches tall when they do that.0 -
This is exactly why most of my friends are men.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this..it's definitely not fair.0 -
awe hun i dont know how to give you and answer but woman are catty/... im sure she is not confidant .. just know you know who you are... and she is just jealous and insecure and likes to be the center of attention herself... XOXOXOX
lori0 -
I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?
I thought about that as well and maybe I was after she pissed me off about the other comments so I just kinda got annoyed with everything else she said.
Like I said, I'm just venting...0 -
I so feel ya. Women can be such $%&%& :laugh:
Personally I get along much better with guys. I think it's because women define themselves a lot through the way they look and how others see them. So if they see another woman changing her look to the better (not only weight losing, sometimes all it takes is a new haircut), they feel threatened. You don't fit into the old picture anymore.
Personally I wouldn't even pay attention to it, except ... maybe you should see it as a motivation. You do great and therefore other women see you as a threat. They try to make your success smaller by saying such things, so they can feel a bit better about not trying to make changes for the better.
I don't think most women do it on purpose. It's just the way our brain is programmed.0 -
Some people feel threatened by others who are doing well and they prefer to see them fail because it makes them feel better about their own lives. There is an entire tabloid industry based on this concept.
Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Also, calling the passive-aggressive negative ones on it usually shames them into shutting up. Just know that they will still probably do it behind your back.
Lots of people just aren't nice, I'm afraid.0 -
I have that problem too. I get backlash from my friends who laugh that I am part of a weight loss community. (This is not my first.)
"You're not fat. Why are you on there?"
I do it for myself because it just makes it that much easier to live a healthier lifestyle.
But I love when they come to me for advice. I'll make them feel five inches tall when they do that.
Haha, awesome. The girl that said if I was giving her a run for her money, she came to me to ask me what I've been doing cuz she wants to lose 14lbs and when I said to her, exercise and eating clean, she then said, forget about it, I don't want to talk about it anymore, you make me feel bad. I just wanted to shout at her, 'then don't freaking ask me if you don't want an honest answer!' Grr...0 -
Pure jealousy... Woman are catty... we all get jealous when someone loses weight and we can't - or we feel someone is starting to look better. Some of us have enough cooth (sp?), however, to keep our comments to ourselves. Keep in mind, you asked her why she was "touching up." Truthfully, that is not really your concern. Personally, I would have taken it as a complement that she felt she had to freshen up to compete with my looks - or perhaps she's just shallow Just a thought.0
-
Wow sounds like these "girls" are not really your friends. Consider them acquaintances you tolerate for the sake of your real MEN friends. As for the gym/eye gal, she may not be flashy (the dress) but she's obviously HIGH MAINTENANCE with gawking at her face all the time. If a guy can't accept you for who you are NATURALLY then he's not worth having around. What a lot of women don't realize is that makeup is supposed to ENHANCE what God gave you not give you something you weren't born with.
Too bad there isn't a make up for behaviors!
You keep doing what you're doing and maybe consider changing you're get together pals if it really gets to you. If the guys aren't strong enough to step in and stop that kind of thing, it's not worth your time and effort to keep having these gatherings. You're worth so much more than that.0 -
Yes, it is a jealousy thing with women. It's like you always see that not so hot/fat chick in a group of friends. They all like her, but never feel threatened by her cuz she is the "fat friend". This friend always hears the "Oh my god...that guy is totally checking me out." Now say fat friend loses an *kitten* ton of weight (pun intended). The other girls will feel more threatened by her because attention is now drawn towards her...and all hell breaks loose if they see a guy staring at her!!!0
-
Yeah they're obviously about her own INSECURITIES and issues.I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?0 -
people like this have their own issues and feel the only way to feel better about themselves is to be a *itch and put everyone else down. Had those in my life a time or two as well. Shrug it off bc it is not about you, but her. She needs to deal with her own issues. Keep going you are doing great!!!0
-
She sounds so insecure. I can't think of any woman who would make comments like that unless she was. YOU know you're doing the right thing for yourself so don't worry about what anyone else says or does to try and make you feel bad just so they can feel good.
0 -
I don't believe in acting that way, do take heart that all women are not that way. Truthfully to me th first girl you mentioned doesn't sound like a real friend, someone that really cared about you would be happy that you are taking steps to become healthier. Also a friend wouldn't try to stir up trouble with your boyfriend.
The second girl just sounds maybe like a joke gone bad. maybe you should just mention to her that her comment made you feel bad.
Be proud of what you have accomplished and don't let anyone's negativity get you down.0 -
Pure jealousy... Woman are catty... we all get jealous when someone loses weight and we can't - or we feel someone is starting to look better. Some of us have enough cooth (sp?), however, to keep our comments to ourselves. Keep in mind, you asked her why she was "touching up." Truthfully, that is not really your concern. Personally, I would have taken it as a complement that she felt she had to freshen up to compete with my looks - or perhaps she's just shallow Just a thought.
Yeah, you're right, it really wasn't my concern. It just seemed really odd because I've known her for 3 years and never once has she taken out an entire make up collection at a table to start piling it on. When I asked her, she gave me this look like, 'I like to look good for my boyfriend, too' face then they proceeded to have a very um....'involved' kiss...the whole thing was just so odd!0 -
I've got to agree with everyone else's comments on here, I've experienced the catty comments from other females too and not just in relation to weight/looks.
The best way that I deal with these things are to remind myself that their nastiness is a bad reflection of them and their insecurities, and really nothing at all about me........... and in this particular situation I would remind yourself of the other positive to come out of this.....the opportunity to widen your circle of friends to include more boys!!! :happy:0 -
She sounds like she is quite jealous, but she needs to back up riiiiight now!
I am not a fan of people who compliment you, but turn it into a negative. Those are just little people though, who need to do something like making others feel bad about themselves, so that they can feel grrrrrrrreat about themselves, which I think is quite sick!
Its funny, women can be very catty, and I just do not get it. If someone is wearing something and I think it looks great, I let them know. I guess it all comes down to jealousy though, and it shouldnt!
Keep up the good work though! & try not to let this chica get to you, shes just a hater! 0 -
I understand the comments to your boyfriend being an issue (and justifiably so), but is it possible that you are being overly sensitive? Maybe her make-up-ing and comments about her style weren't about YOU?
Ditto. I think your guard was put up at her talking about your time at the gym so probably were a little over sensitive (understandably)
Let it go, she does sound like she's insecure, not just of you but in herself.
The other girl...yep, sounds like she might like having "bigger" friends, makes her feel better about herself...many people do this in one way or another. For some reason all my friends have been much shorter than me but also much more self assured, I guess i'm hoping some rubs off on me (not happened yet!)0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 392.1K Introduce Yourself
- 43.6K Getting Started
- 259.9K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.7K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.4K Fitness and Exercise
- 403 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.8K Motivation and Support
- 7.9K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.4K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.4K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions